Is my ex-girlfriend ready to give us another shot?

[deekay]

She told me via email and phone that she wanted to break up, the reasons being that

 

1) I hurt her more than enough in the past (didn't listen to her problems, made fun of her, and twice insulted her).

2) She doubts that we'll ever meet and stay together, as we're currently more than 5000 miles apart, though there's a good chance for reunification. (but I suspect she used this excuse as a reinforcement to #1)

 

She told me she became totally exhausted after dealing with my behavior and giving me so many chances.

 

Well, after she told me the reasons we hung up and didn't contact each other for 3 days. During that time I shut myself from the outsider world and thought about what she said. I felt bad Part of me had to call her and apologize, and another part of me was telling me that it's over and I should move on. I called her and left a 3 minute voice mail saying how sorry I am and wishing her a good future. Then a couple hours later she called back and I was surprised, couldn't believe she'd call back. Never in my past has an ex called me back -- they either all moved on or replied with a txt saying, "Screw you and your lies. Don't contact me ever again."

 

I answered the phone, half-expecting a scream of irritation and holding the Bible in my hand in case my ear goes deaf.

 

"Hey," I said.

 

"Hi..." she replied.

 

"Listen, I'm sorry for everything. And I feel really bad about what I said earlier.. I'm sorry."

 

"You feel bad?" she calmly replied. I could sense that she was sad/teary-eyed.

 

So we talked for 5 minutes due to the low battery on her phone.

 

I was left dumbfounded by the call for a minute, and then shrugged and continued on with my life.

 

I lost my phone the night after lol. I got a new one and mass-emailed my friends to text me. Amongst the list was also my girlfriend's email. She txted me and I replied and found out that she was in the hospital with IV.. i asked her if she wanted to talk but she said she was too sick to talk so I wished her a quick recovery and asked her to let me know if she's ready. She suggested tomorrow, and I replied okay your recovery comes first, call me up if you're done recovering. She called me the day after and we talked for 25 minutes.. it was mostly her asking about my life, what i did for thanksgiving, how my family's doing, what did I eat, all the other details etc., then she asked me whether she should apply to a graduate school in my country (USA) or stay at her home country for additional 2 years and I said, do whatever you think it's best for you and just left it at that, and she told me she's been applying for jobs and was eager.

 

Then after about 3 days she texted me, "they hired me!!" and I asked her when she's going to start, and she said, "probably next week, the meetings are tomorrow." I told her i was very happy for her, and then she replied, "thanks:) so... when is your thanksgiving vacation over?"

 

I just stopped at that because I didn't want my mind to be a mess. A part of me wants her back yet other part of me wants to move on. Thing is, I'm inclining more towards getting her back, but that's because she's been contacting me.

 

I just wanted to hear you guys' opinions whether she has the will of any degree to get back together with what I've provided.

[KatZee]

At no point in these conversations did she say she missed you, wanted to work it out with you... she's talking to you like a friend. Nothing about it is flirty or suggests she wants you back.

[Chi townD]

I think that you are headed into the nice transition of the "friend zone". Plus, where do you think this relationship is going? She lives in another country!

[deekay]

At no point in these conversations did she say she missed you, wanted to work it out with you... she's talking to you like a friend. Nothing about it is flirty or suggests she wants you back.

 

So the only way for someone to know that I hate them is to tell them "I hate you"? Or how about just ignoring them for all I care? She wouldn't flirt with anyone as she's not a natural flirt. There's no telling whether she wants me back, that's true, but her actions slash that feeling away and I'm just damn curious about it.

 

I think that you are headed into the nice transition of the "friend zone". Plus, where do you think this relationship is going? She lives in another country!

 

Thing is, we were never friends before we dated lol. So this is sort of an on-and-off relationship. We can never be friends.

 

And trust me, Chi townD. LDR isn't that hard to maintain especially 2012...

Edited November 28, 2012 by deekay

[LostOne1]

LDR are HARD to maintain. Man my ex and I have been together for 3 yrs. She went away fro just 2 months 4 hrs away from our city. Guess what that's how we broke up.. the distance killed it for us. Things happened on her side, which didn't allow me to be there for her. And same on my end.

 

The distance hurt us a lot...

[deekay]

LDR are HARD to maintain. Man my ex and I have been together for 3 yrs. She went away fro just 2 months 4 hrs away from our city. Guess what that's how we broke up.. the distance killed it for us. Things happened on her side, which didn't allow me to be there for her. And same on my end.

 

The distance hurt us a lot...

 

That's only because she had no platonic love for you. Other words, her love for you wasn't strong enough. Sorry.

 

Any other people want to contribute to my thread? Please do if you have even the slightest bit of insight and reasoning.

[KatZee]

You were dumped, it's over.

 

I know you're struggling to find diamonds in a pile of s.hit right now but honestly I see nothing more than a girl trying to be your friend.

 

If she regretted her decision, believe me she'd have no issues being like- can we try to make it work? I see a person who obviously cares/d about you and still wants you in her life in some capacity. That doesn't mean she wants you back as a boyfriend.

 

Stop trying to interpret every little thing she says and does because you'll go crazy. Her actions don't scream "I want you back!" all she did was give you a phone call. Honestly how much effort does that take? Practically none.

 

You're the dumpee so unless she's regretting her decision leave her alone, or else you'll be on this forum a year from now still not over her and still asking if she's going to give you another chance.

[na49]

Sadly I had something similar to happen to me. My ex called me up after we broke up and talked to me like she used to when we were together. I was there for her like I was when we were together. The problem was that we weren't together, I was telling myself that "this was it" and that she'd take me back when in reality she wasn't. If you think she wants you back, she'd tell you that she wants you back. She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want you to go away forever just in case she needs a little ego boost or someone to talk to.

[Chi townD]

 

And trust me, Chi townD. LDR isn't that hard to maintain especially 2012...

 

 

Well, I'm old school. I like to touch a girl. They're soft and they smell good. I like when a girl whispers in my ear and I feel her breath on my neck. Shivers up the spine!

 

I like when a girl flashes you bedroom eyes, I can ACTUALLY do something about it! She flashes bedroom eyes on Skype....you're in for a long night of masterbation!

 

That's what I don't get about young folks now a days. They'll post that they met online. Maybe seen each other two or three times in person. And they consider that dating. That's not dating! That's a pen pal!!

[deekay]

You were dumped, it's over.

 

I know you're struggling to find diamonds in a pile of s.hit right now but honestly I see nothing more than a girl trying to be your friend.

 

If she regretted her decision, believe me she'd have no issues being like- can we try to make it work? I see a person who obviously cares/d about you and still wants you in her life in some capacity. That doesn't mean she wants you back as a boyfriend.

 

Stop trying to interpret every little thing she says and does because you'll go crazy. Her actions don't scream "I want you back!" all she did was give you a phone call. Honestly how much effort does that take? Practically none.

 

You're the dumpee so unless she's regretting her decision leave her alone, or else you'll be on this forum a year from now still not over her and still asking if she's going to give you another chance.

 

So even if she texts me I should leave her alone? Please be more direct and clear with your answers.

 

Well, I'm old school. I like to touch a girl. They're soft and they smell good. I like when a girl whispers in my ear and I feel her breath on my neck. Shivers up the spine!

 

I like when a girl flashes you bedroom eyes, I can ACTUALLY do something about it! She flashes bedroom eyes on Skype....you're in for a long night of masterbation!

 

That's what I don't get about young folks now a days. They'll post that they met online. Maybe seen each other two or three times in person. And they consider that dating. That's not dating! That's a pen pal!!

 

Yeah you're better off with LDR as no woman would like to deal with your constant shouting...

 

BTW, even after we broke up she became upset and mad when I had to reject her phone call, saying things like "I was considering getting back together with you, but you did it again.. when I wanted to talk to you, you said you're 'too busy.'"

Edited November 29, 2012 by deekay

[cavalier99]

That's only because she had no platonic love for you. Other words, her love for you wasn't strong enough. Sorry.

 

Any other people want to contribute to my thread? Please do if you have even the slightest bit of insight and reasoning.

 

I love your writing. Your killin me. Now as far as the relationship. I have no clue

because you 2 seem like very strange birds to me..no offense. So who knows...Although I think the distance might hurt some.

[movingon12]

You were dumped, it's over.

 

I know you're struggling to find diamonds in a pile of s.hit right now but honestly I see nothing more than a girl trying to be your friend.

If she regretted her decision, believe me she'd have no issues being like- can we try to make it work? I see a person who obviously cares/d about you and still wants you in her life in some capacity. That doesn't mean she wants you back as a boyfriend.

 

Stop trying to interpret every little thing she says and does because you'll go crazy. Her actions don't scream "I want you back!" all she did was give you a phone call. Honestly how much effort does that take? Practically none.

 

You're the dumpee so unless she's regretting her decision leave her alone, or else you'll be on this forum a year from now still not over her and still asking if she's going to give you another chance.

 

So even if she texts me I should leave her alone? Please be more direct and clear with your answers.

 

 

That looks pretty direct and clear to me...

[cavalier99]

I think id need to vote with katzee and movinon12 on this one. Unless she moves to where you are 5000 miles away and explicitly say she wants you back I don't see the point in any more contact. Prognosis is very poor for this one.

 

Just my opinion and probably 99 percent of posters here on this forum. You might get a different take on the second chances forum..but not necessarily a more realistic view of reality.

[deekay]

If what you all saying is true then why did she--the girl who told me stop calling her "my girl" and other stuff--didn't say anything when I called her to say "I miss and love you my sweet little cub" and we even talked about our past and she even thought of coming to visit? I strongly believe she's testing me whether I really still dig her or not. Trust me, ladies and gents, in the past she has tried to make me jealous by hugging my friends. She even asked me after hugging my friend, "jelly?"

 

Can't figure things out, you guys are telling me she wants to stay as friends and move on, but here I am just having talked with her on the phone, talking about the things we did in the past and her being used to me sending sweet things to her, and usually she would tell me to stop but this time I don't know. I still think it's gonna work out. Comments are appreciated, positive or negative, don't really care.

[movingon12]

I doubt there's much that can be said that hasn't already been said.

 

When a dumper wants to reconcile, they say it. They send long apologetic emails trying to explain the reason why they initially wanted to break up and why they've realised it was a mistake. They beg for forgiveness and promise to do anything if the dumpee will agree to try again. They say sorry so many times you get sick of hearing it. They send dozens of emails. It doesn't matter how many times you say no, they keep asking.

 

Your ex girlfriend isn't doing any of these things. She's just being friendly. That's all, She probably misses you, it doesn't mean she wants to be your girlfriend.

[deekay]

I doubt there's much that can be said that hasn't already been said.

 

When a dumper wants to reconcile, they say it. They send long apologetic emails trying to explain the reason why they initially wanted to break up and why they've realised it was a mistake. They beg for forgiveness and promise to do anything if the dumpee will agree to try again. They say sorry so many times you get sick of hearing it. They send dozens of emails. It doesn't matter how many times you say no, they keep asking.

 

Your ex girlfriend isn't doing any of these things. She's just being friendly. That's all, She probably misses you, it doesn't mean she wants to be your girlfriend.

 

Lol, when a dumper wants to reconcile with an ex-jerk, they don't beg for their forgiveness. They instead take slow steps to see if the dumpee has indeed changed for good. These are some signs that she's becoming more used to starting over again. Why would anyone just want the a-hole back? It's gonna take some time, obviously.

 

And she's not clingy like that--her main priority is her education and career, having graduated from the top university (equivalent to Harvard) at her country with a 3.94 gpa and has a perfect score in GRE having studied it for only 3 months.

 

I don't even know why we're arguing about this when I wanted to hear from people who know there's a solution to get her back and share their knowledge on it.. i love her a lot, tell me something to get her back.

[movingon12]

If you want people to make you feel better, then I think you need to move to the '2nd chances' thread instead - it's clear that the people on this thread don't think there is a solution.

 

*She* dumped you. The ball is in her court. In fact the ball and both rackets are in her court. There only thing you can do is go NC and pray that she misses you so much that she would rather be your girlfriend than have no relationship with you at all.

 

But as I said, if you want people to tell you she'll come back, you're in the wrong place.

 

Though I'm not really clear what relationship you have with her if she's 5000 miles away. I presume you have lived near each other and dated in the past and this is a temporary separation?

Edited November 30, 2012 by movingon12

[deekay]

If you want people to make you feel better, then I think you need to move to the '2nd chances' thread instead - it's clear that the people on this thread don't think there is a solution.

 

*She* dumped you. The ball is in her court. In fact the ball and both rackets are in her court. There only thing you can do is go NC and pray that she misses you so much that she would rather be your girlfriend than have no relationship with you at all.

 

But as I said, if you want people to tell you she'll come back, you're in the wrong place.

 

Though I'm not really clear what relationship you have with her if she's 5000 miles away. I presume you have lived near each other and dated in the past and this is a temporary separation?

 

YES! We have practically lived together for half a year and it was the greatest relationship ever for both her and me. I've dated 4 in the past and she 2 and this is definitely the best relationship. She was the first to make me believe that we are marriage material, no kidding.

[itsmyfault]

If you want people to make you feel better, then I think you need to move to the '2nd chances' thread instead - it's clear that the people on this thread don't think there is a solution.

 

*She* dumped you. The ball is in her court. In fact the ball and both rackets are in her court. There only thing you can do is go NC and pray that she misses you so much that she would rather be your girlfriend than have no relationship with you at all.

 

But as I said, if you want people to tell you she'll come back, you're in the wrong place.

 

Though I'm not really clear what relationship you have with her if she's 5000 miles away. I presume you have lived near each other and dated in the past and this is a temporary separation?

 

^^^^^

 

This is all correct, The best way to make her miss you is to ignore her. It's the only way.

 

From being on this forum i've learned a lot about how the mind works.

 

If you get dumped, Go NC straight away and heal quickly

If you do the dumping, Go NC and don't look back. If your meant to be you will meet up again.

[deekay]

I loved her and I couldn't hold the feelings inside me so I texted her that I always think about her, I love her and I miss her, and that I don't want to lose her like this. I thought about this and decided that I have to either be in a relationship with her again or permanently cut contact with her to move on. So she called me and I told her I love her and revealed my thoughts to her about cutting contact or giving us another shot. There was silence for 10 minutes and I know she had trouble answering. She teared up and revealed that she still has feelings for me, and I asked her what she wants but she replied that she doesn't know what she wants in life. I know I'm selfish to put her in an awkward position full of pressure, but I had to do it for the sake of both of us. I told her I wish I were there to hold her and tell her everything's going to be okay. I asked her if she would want to keep a promise that we wouldn't see anyone else until we meet in person. Her answers were very vague, and it seemed that she didn't want to cut contact forever. Instead, she offered an alternative -- cut contact until she gets into a grad school near me. Then she was saying things that I couldn't hear as she was crying, and my phone died and called her again after recharging, but told me she didn't feel like talking anymore. What should I do? Should I txt her something?

[movingon12]

I'm not trying to be harsh, because I can see you're obviously cut up about this, but if you text her what are you going to say that you haven't said already?

 

You've said everything you can say, you've made your point clearly, and she doesn't know what she wants. No amount of texts from you are going to make her know what she wants. As I already said, if you go NC, completely NC, it may make her realise that you are what she wants. But if you stay in her life like this, she's never going to have an opportunity to realise that.

 

I really, really, can't see how 'not being together but not being with anyone else' could possibly work. One of you, and lets be honest, it will probably be her, will meet someone, and one thing will lead to another, even if she has promised. She clearly isn't certain about a future with you, and she's not going to jeopardise a future with someone else, to keep a promise to you.

 

I don't know how realistic the 'grad school near you option' is. If she's American, I guess it's feasible; but if she's not, I would have thought that it will be quite tricky given student visa issues and the expense involved (though clearly that depends on her nationality and financial situation).

 

Don't make someone a priority in your life, when you are only an option in theirs.

[deekay]

I'm not trying to be harsh, because I can see you're obviously cut up about this, but if you text her what are you going to say that you haven't said already?

 

You've said everything you can say, you've made your point clearly, and she doesn't know what she wants. No amount of texts from you are going to make her know what she wants. As I already said, if you go NC, completely NC, it may make her realise that you are what she wants. But if you stay in her life like this, she's never going to have an opportunity to realise that.

 

I really, really, can't see how 'not being together but not being with anyone else' could possibly work. One of you, and lets be honest, it will probably be her, will meet someone, and one thing will lead to another, even if she has promised. She clearly isn't certain about a future with you, and she's not going to jeopardise a future with someone else, to keep a promise to you.

 

I don't know how realistic the 'grad school near you option' is. If she's American, I guess it's feasible; but if she's not, I would have thought that it will be quite tricky given student visa issues and the expense involved (though clearly that depends on her nationality and financial situation).

 

Don't make someone a priority in your life, when you are only an option in theirs.

 

Please, don't cover up the truth with pity. You can be as brutally as honest as possible.

 

I wanted to send something to remind her I love her so I wrote, "everythings gonna turn out to be ok i promise you. let me know when you feel better. i madly love you"

 

I think she already realizes that she really wants to be with me, but the distance and uncertainty of how the future will unfold are getting in our way. This is what bothers her the most. She's been thinking about me every second as she admitted but really wants to stay in touch in case we end up together.

 

NC sounds like that'll kill her, to be honest. Obviously she wants to keep in touch with me, and I had to repeat the word "forever" many times when I told her we'll have to cut contact forever.

 

Why can't you see how 'not being together but not being with anyone else' could possibly work? If it's gonna be for a couple years then yeah I can see where you're coming from. But I failed to mention that the next time I can possibly see her is in 3 months

[movingon12]

Please, don't cover up the truth with pity. You can be as brutally as honest as possible.

 

I wanted to send something to remind her I love her so I wrote, "everythings gonna turn out to be ok i promise you. let me know when you feel better. i madly love you"

 

I think she already realizes that she really wants to be with me, but the distance and uncertainty of how the future will unfold are getting in our way. This is what bothers her the most. She's been thinking about me every second as she admitted but really wants to stay in touch in case we end up together.

 

NC sounds like that'll kill her, to be honest. Obviously she wants to keep in touch with me, and I had to repeat the word "forever" many times when I told her we'll have to cut contact forever.

 

Why can't you see how 'not being together but not being with anyone else' could possibly work? If it's gonna be for a couple years then yeah I can see where you're coming from. But I failed to mention that the next time I can possibly see her is in 3 months

 

Girls don't break up with guys they want to have a future with. Everyone's future is uncertain. But when people want to make it work, they make it work. My first husband left his home, job and family to move to my country to be with me. In her case, it sounds like she would rather give up than try to make it work.

 

Maybe, one day, one of you will be willing to make the sacrifice and moveso you can be together. And maybe if you do that things will work out.

 

But until something changes, everything's going to stay the same. You'll keep sending her messages telling her you love her and she'll keep being vague and uncertain.

[deekay]

Girls don't break up with guys they want to have a future with. Everyone's future is uncertain. But when people want to make it work, they make it work. My first husband left his home, job and family to move to my country to be with me. In her case, it sounds like she would rather give up than try to make it work.

 

Maybe, one day, one of you will be willing to make the sacrifice and moveso you can be together. And maybe if you do that things will work out.

 

But until something changes, everything's going to stay the same. You'll keep sending her messages telling her you love her and she'll keep being vague and uncertain.

 

She wants to make it work, too, but you also have to realize that there might be obstacles that'll block our ways. And, being the girl who tends to see many different possibilities, she doesn't want us to end up living our separate ways and end up being hurt. I really want to convince her that things can work out and that's what I'm asking about to see if you can provide some advice on how to reassure her if I'm not there for her physically. Do you get my drift?

 

And should was it wrong for me to give her an ultimatum out of the blue?

 

edit: and why did she think that it's best for me to find another girl because she felt that she was dragging my life down?

Edited December 3, 2012 by deekay

[movingon12]

She wants to make it work, too, but you also have to realize that there might be obstacles that'll block our ways. And, being the girl who tends to see many different possibilities, she doesn't want us to end up living our separate ways and end up being hurt. I really want to convince her that things can work out and that's what I'm asking about to see if you can provide some advice on how to reassure her if I'm not there for her physically. Do you get my drift?

 

And should was it wrong for me to give her an ultimatum out of the blue?

 

There are almost always obstacles of some sort - but if you're determined

you find a way.

 

Nobody wants be hurt - but when people feel strongly enough about their partner, they will take the risk.

 

You can't reassure her that it will work out. Most relationships don't work out. And even more LDR don't work out. Reality is against you here.

 

You had 6 great months together. But that's really not that long in the scheme of things. Now you're in different countries and she dumped you because of your behaviour and because she doesn't see a future together.

 

Unless you can change whatever behaviour she has objected to AND prove to her you have a future together (which would mean actually arranging to move to her country, as she doesn't seem able to move to yours), there's nothing you can say to her that's going to make her change her mind.

 

Words are just words, if you want her to feel differently you need to take action.

 

Let her go.

 

Edit: she told you find another girl, because she doesn't see a future with you and she wants you to be happy and she wants you to leave her alone and move on.