Do you just suck it up at some point?

[StormySeas]

So I'm about a month and a half removed from the last D-Day and almost three months removed from the initial D-Day when I learned that my H crossed all the lines during what I thought was just an EA in 2010 and had a full blown PA from Feb to April 2010. I actually feel quite confident that I now know the truth (or as much as I'll ever know) and have the timing down after a lot of detective work, a few D-Days, etc.

 

In some of my prior posts, I lamented the fact that I talked to a divorce lawyer and realized that divorce meant giving up our son for a minimum of 40% of the time. I saw that as the door shutting on divorce and the door swinging wide open on reconciliation. I realistically know that only time will tell if reconciliation can work, and that in a year, two years, five years, etc. I can make the decision that the affair was too much, I'm not over it, and have to re-open the divorce door for my sanity and well being.

 

So after that long-winded background, here's where I'd love some advice on to see if anyone has felt similarly...

 

Finding out that divorce really isn't an option because I'd see our son 40% less of the time (I have a demanding job so it's not like my remaining 60% is going to be with him) has totally impacted my behavior. It's like I'm the kid that found out that eating candy for dinner isn't an option, so now all I want is to only have candy for dinner. I mean I know reconcilation takes WORK from me and my H (who is really trying his butt off) and right now, I am just not putting in the work. At all. And it's getting worse.

 

I booted my H out of our house in September and I think that not having him around is making my "I get to eat candy for dinner" attitude so much worse. Maybe it's the realization that I can make being a single mother work quite successfully (thanks to our nanny's help, of course, or it would be impossible!). And that realization makes me then think "See? I can be the person that never has to compromise their longstanding belief that they would never ever ever stay with a cheater".

 

So at some point, given I think I'm really being pretty childish mentally here because if I keep acting like this even as my H bends over backwards to do anything and everything to try to make amends, what will happen? I feel like we'll be bound for divorce land. And divorce land means seeing our son 40% less and is only a land I want to live in if reconciliation isn't possible. But I'm not trying very hard at this reconciliation thing, and am much better at acting aloof about the whole thing.

 

I guess my question is -- how the heck do you go about "reconciling"? Is it really like I've read in some of my books on infidelity/reconcilation that at some point, the BS has to suck it up and start trying to do things like hold hands, etc. to move on? What ever gives the signal that he should move back into the house? I feel like I'm waiting for some sort of signal from the Gods that it's time to stop being consumed by the past to give the future a fighting chance. I know it's still early in my 2-5 year journey through all this, but I've never been a very patient person. I am more calculating...I need stages...etc. But I just don't know how to do any of this. I know that every person is incredibly different when faced with an affair in a marriage, but I'd just love to hear about what you reconcilers actually DID. What was your time line? Did you ever just have to suck "it" up? What was the "it"? Being in the same house, etc.?

 

I'm in IC and we're in MC, but I just feel like I could spend all day in IC/MC right now and wouldn't have answers to the q's above. You LS'ers seem to have some experience going through everything, so figured I'd write what I'm feeling and see what you think. As always, I appreciate your time reading my post and any time you spend posting a reply. Thanks.

[Decorative]

Honestly?

 

After reading your post? I don't think you want to reconcile.

 

And that is totally and absolutely okay.

 

Reconciliation is a hard road- and so is divorce. Both paths take strength. You have to decide what is best for you.

 

The best advice I can give you is to maybe take a step back and don't think in either direction for awhile, and see what happens when there is no pressure in yourself.

 

In my situation- I kicked my spouse out and took six months with him out of the house to be sure reconciliation was the right path for us.

 

Also? I am not a sucker upper. If that had been part of the equation? Reconciling would have been impossible. LOL

[pteromom]

If you move forward with divorce, is there a way to use your limited time with your son to you advantage? As in working longer hours on the days you don't have him, so that you can get off earlier and spend more time with him on the days you do have him? It might not be as bad as it sounds, if there is a way to make it work for you.

[StormySeas]

Decorative, what happened over that six months?

 

It's too simple to say that I don't want to reconcile, and I know that it's very easy to look at what I wrote and take that as the response. I didn't tell you anything about how much I love my H and how wonderful we are (were) together and all of that other information that is important to you having some semblance of our story. I figured my post was long enough. Suffice it to say that I love my H very very very much. Love is keeping me interested in reconciliation so my initial post wasn't fair as it was really just about time with our son. But I am an incredibly independent and self-sufficient person. It's one of the reasons my H had his affair in the first place. We had a colicky son, I was ready, willing, and able to be a parent (and love it), and did everything. I didn't need my H then, he didn't want to be a parent then, and the result was that combining that with his selfishness and entitlement issues, he had an A.

 

I have longstanding issues where if someone wants to hurt me or someone I love, I can just totally and easily cut them out of my life. Even thinking about reconciliation is a complete departure from how I handle anything in my life, but there's more to it than just our son. I picture 20 years from now, and all of my adventures have my H. But having him out of the house and really somewhat out of my life right now makes it that much harder to picture him with me 20 years from now. I think one of the big reasons is that I am so used to just cutting off anyone that ever hurt me so really don't know HOW to reconcile. I guess that's why I'm so curious how anyone that has reconciled ever did it -- like the actual process of it all...

 

Pteromom...work will slow down in the next 6 months or so, which will increase my flexibility, so yes, that could have an impact on helping me to make better use of that 60% time with our son. But I was really hoping that would help me make better use of the 100% time I could have with our son.

[Decorative]

Over that six months - he worked hard in IC. He worked hard to prove himself worthy of me attempting to reconcile with me. He detoxed from the affair ( it was a LTA- 3.5 years). He moved heaven and earth to show me that if I would let him back into my life as my husband, that he would make me happy I did.

 

It was good for me, personally- because it let me detach from the heat of my anger and the chaos of the situation. We had a false recovery- 9 months prior to that , so on the second DDay I was done done done done. I packed his stuff and wished him well. He didn't want that at all.

 

I wish I could give you a roadmap- but honestly - the time apart was what we both needed. And I knew I loved him, and I knew that we had a happy life beforehand ( our marriage was one of the marriages where the cheating had zero to do with our relationship- and he was an overbenefitted partner).

 

 

That six month period- if you ask him- was horrible and nervewracking for him. For me- it gave me time to center and think and get a grip on myself. It was the best possible choice I could have made for our particular situation.

 

And I knew it was time for him to come back and live with us when I could see the old guy back in his eyes. I could find him again.

[Decorative]

Also?

 

Never ever again say that you being an independent person is a reason your spouse had an affair. That is bullhockey. Don't use that as a reason . You do not control another human being's choice's. He made choices. Bad ones. And they test on his shoulders, not yours.

[Snowflower]

StormySeas, (I love that screen name by the way )

 

Every marriage and every reconciliation is very different; unlike most affairs which seem to follow the same script. So, you will be hard-pressed to find here on LS what will work for your situation.

 

I agree with Decorative's advice but that is just me.

 

From reading your posts, it seems you have proven to yourself that you can get on just fine without your husband in your life. The real issue is parenting time with your son and that seems to be the main reason why you have stayed in your marriage this far.

 

Is that really enough of a reason to stay married? If so, fine, but be honest with yourself and with your husband that you are staying married so that you do not have to lose time with your son. Plenty of people do this and there is no shame in it.

 

I think people who separate also find that the longer they are separated the easier and more natural it becomes to be unattached. How do you expect to work on your marriage when you are separated and are getting so comfortable being on your own?

 

IMO, if you stay separated from your H for much longer, you will end up divorced. Make sure this is the outcome you want. Otherwise, consider reconciling.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

SS,

 

You're in a bad situation. Your story is another case study for the damage trickle-truth and ongoing lying causes on top of the pain and hurt from a PA.

 

You, rightfully so, have serious trust issues. Your husband cheated on you and continued to lie about the extent of the affair. The fact the he lied during MC is a major blow to the rebuilding process. Isn't this why you initially went to a divorce lawyer?

 

Fast forward to now. You feel stuck, trapped in this marriage for the sake of your son.

 

In my reconciliation there wasn't a point of sucking it up. There were points where I was tired of being angry, and I had to let you of that anger. Not all at once, but in phases.

 

For me it is a matter of living in today, and not letting yesterday (affair) steal what we have now.

 

It's hard. For me it required a lot of reframing. It required a lot of work from both of us. There were many plateaus, relapses, false summits, tears of joy, tears of agony and brokenness, shouting, and everything else you can think of.

 

I look at it as a process, not a destination. On this side of reconciliation there is a payoff: a certain type of intimacy that did not exist prior to D-day. Prior to D-day we never exposed ourselves to each other like we have over the past years. It's been hell, but we did go through it together. We've seen each other at our lowest points. I've learned so much about myself and my wife as a result of addressing the complexities of post d-day. I've learned a lot about marriage, relationships, and life in general.

 

Best of luck

[CantgetoveritNY]

SS,

 

On this side of reconciliation there is a payoff: a certain type of intimacy that did not exist prior to D-day. Prior to D-day we never exposed ourselves to each other like we have over the past years. It's been hell, but we did go through it together. We've seen each other at our lowest points. I've learned so much about myself and my wife as a result of addressing the complexities of post d-day. I've learned a lot about marriage, relationships, and life in general.

 

I've seen a bit of that. I have hope for growth in myself from this even if my wife does not. And if she does too I could see us being in some way glad to have had the chance to grow. Not that I would ever rather the A didn't happen. But maybe some good could be drawn from it.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I agree with the last post but want to put it even simpler.

 

Distance kills relationships. If you want to reconcile, end the separation now. If your WH is doing backflips to make things up to you, GREAT! Now give him something for that or he may just despair and give up, which would be very easy to do while separated. Also being together again, you'll be able to better judge what is REALLY going on, not just what you think you see from a distance.

 

So yeah, if he has gone NC, is completely transparent, is showing you love and remorse, is telling the full truth(I'm not sure on this one...can you really trust him?) and you think you can and want to work this out, end the separation ASAP before you drift further apart.

[StormySeas]

I just really fight mentally with my head versus my heart. And my head and my heart sometimes agree and sometimes they disagree. I have a really hard time reconciling everything and keep looking outwardly (ie posting on LS) for guidance because I'm so confused.

 

Sunflower, my H and I will never just be roommates. Both of us want love. He thinks that love is with me and not anyone else, but if we're further down the road and I'm just in this M for our son, he will leave. That's not what he wants or needs. And it's not really what I want either. I don't want my son to be in a home without his Dad, but right now it feels like having my H back in our house just goes against everything that I've ever thought was "right" for a strong, independent woman like myself. I guess part of me feels like it's showing some kind of weakness...and part of it is giving him this signal that what he did wasn't okay, but isn't a dealbreaker. And boy did I always think this was the biggest dealbreaker other than abuse.

 

Maybe the whole issue with me is that I'm hiding behind this whole "oh man, have to reconcile to be with our son" thing because I don't want to admit that I really want to reconcile because I love the guy, understand how much he f'ed up, and can move on. I guess I feel like maybe I'm giving myself a mental run around where half of me says "you love him, he's great, he's working so hard, this was a short period in his life, it's over and done with and you know he has/is working super hard to make sure it never happens again" and the other half is "yeah, but he f'ed another chick! Someone in your "friend" circle! Totally unacceptable!!!"

[Decorative]

I agree in most cases that separation is a negative.

 

In my case, it saved us.

 

But I recognize that every situation is different, and I do not mean to suggest that what I did works for everyone .

 

I know that without the separation, in our relationship, we would no longer be married.

 

But everyone's mileage varies.

[StormySeas]

Ninja'sHusband, I will never know if I have the truth or not. I would be crucified on this board for saying that I know the details of three times that they had se* and that I think that can be true. Everyone would say "NO WAY! IMPOSSIBLE! LIAR!", but I believe him. Well, until I think about everyone shouting "NO WAY!" and then the doubts creep in. We've had so much trickle truth that it's hard to say for sure. I can promise you that I will never know more than I do now...he says he's bared his soul and told me everything, but he also knows that I could not handle one trickle truth more. Soooooooooo...there's the leap of faith aspect of all of this that at some point if reconcilation was to occur, then it really is just "I believe you." And please don't bring up the polygraph angle...that wouldn't give me comfort either. My H is an incredibly intelligent man that would have no problems figuring out how to beat the test. So no, polygraph isn't the big solver to my "do I have the truth" question.

[Furious]

It's been almost a year and half since my d-day.

 

I think of it as an attempt at reconciliation, taking it one day at a time. I can't box myself into more than that. This relieves the pressure on me, it gives me breathing room.

 

My efforts are sincere and so are my husbands, reconciliation is a very delicate balance of emotion and conscious effort. We talk, we cry, laugh, we try, we make mistakes, we take two steps forward and some days two steps back.

I trust that only time will tell.

 

 

I don't know if this helps, but it works for me.

[Snowflower]

I just really fight mentally with my head versus my heart. And my head and my heart sometimes agree and sometimes they disagree. I have a really hard time reconciling everything and keep looking outwardly (ie posting on LS) for guidance because I'm so confused.

 

I totally understand the "head says one thing, heart says another." I too have fought that internal battle for a long time.

Sunflower, my H and I will never just be roommates. Both of us want love. He thinks that love is with me and not anyone else, but if we're further down the road and I'm just in this M for our son, he will leave. That's not what he wants or needs. And it's not really what I want either. I don't want my son to be in a home without his Dad, but right now it feels like having my H back in our house just goes against everything that I've ever thought was "right" for a strong, independent woman like myself. I guess part of me feels like it's showing some kind of weakness...and part of it is giving him this signal that what he did wasn't okay, but isn't a dealbreaker. And boy did I always think this was the biggest dealbreaker other than abuse.

 

I understand better where you're coming from now. Especially so with your head vs. heart dilemma. All I can say is give yourself time. It isn't easy.

 

Maybe the whole issue with me is that I'm hiding behind this whole "oh man, have to reconcile to be with our son" thing because I don't want to admit that I really want to reconcile because I love the guy, understand how much he f'ed up, and can move on. I guess I feel like maybe I'm giving myself a mental run around where half of me says "you love him, he's great, he's working so hard, this was a short period in his life, it's over and done with and you know he has/is working super hard to make sure it never happens again" and the other half is "yeah, but he f'ed another chick! Someone in your "friend" circle! Totally unacceptable!!!"

 

I know, I know. I understand completely. I spent a long time battling myself with much the same thing as you describe above.

 

For me, it has been a very slow process and one which I still do not know the outcome/my final decision. My H and I have had a very difficult reconciliation.

 

I do stand by my words that the separation needs to end somehow if you want any chance of reconciling. I don't know how you do this or when but it needs to be soon. Like the other poster mentioned, your husband will eventually despair and give up and/or you will become so distant/disconnected that reconciliation will be impossible. And I do believe that in some ways you want to reconcile with him, based on what you post.

 

IMO, you need to do what you can to keep that chance of reconciliation alive until you know for sure one way or another.

 

I know, it is difficult. I've been there. I'm still there.

[Decorative]

You have gotten so much good advice. You have to take a step back, a breath, and think about what would make you feel better, and what would bring you peace.

 

My spouse and I are coming up on three years post final DDay. Our relationship is far more intimate and connected now, as we have almost quite literally walked through fire to be together, and come out together, still wanting each other.

 

But every path to get there is unique. And you have to find what works for you. All betrayal sucks donkey butt. It's a terrible wound. It's the worst emotional blow that has ever happened to me, and we have lost a child. It's that horrific.

 

But there can be beauty and love and hope in the ashes. And something even better can come from it.

 

You sound like me, to a degree. Logical and organized, and I bet you have a penchant for making lists and deriving great satisfaction from checking them off.

 

One of the hardest lessons this part of my life taught me is that there's no list for this. No recipe that works for everyone. No a+b=c that you can follow.

 

There are certain aspects that have to come to the forefront- transparency, honesty, commitment to seeking the why, and examination of what you want for the future. But how you get those things is going to be personality dependent.

[beenburned]

My anger and not being able to accept this as part of our history, almost destroyed us. H bent over backward for years to prove he was a changed man.

 

One night he started crying and saying he couldn't take it anymore. Either I had to forgive him or he wanted a divorce.

 

This was our turning point where we BOTH gave our all to make our marriage successful.

 

If you love your H and think he is a changed man, I would give him the chance to prove himself. Don't let your wounded pride make you lose the man if you truly love him.

[StormySeas]

Betrayed&Stayed, I missed your post earlier, and just read it. Thank you. What you write has a lot of merit, and honestly, we have a lot of love for each other and our family unit that if I could just stay in the moment, we would be okay. Obviously while I'm trying to stay in the moment I'm carrying a Titanic boat load worth of baggage so it doesn't take long for the doubts to trickle in, or the memories, or the sadness.

 

After writing and reading this thread, I called my H and asked him to come and have dinner with us tonight and stay over in the guest room. He bawled and said thank you. I hung up and it was like a weight had been lifted, even though it's just me making a very small gesture. I'll just take that weightlifting as today's sign from the Gods that I made the right decision for me. For today.

 

Thank you all so much for your thoughts today. Much much appreciated on my end.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I agree in most cases that separation is a negative.

 

In my case, it saved us.

 

But I recognize that every situation is different, and I do not mean to suggest that what I did works for everyone .

 

I know that without the separation, in our relationship, we would no longer be married.

 

But everyone's mileage varies.

I'm not saying she shouldn't have separated, it may well save her M as well. Sometimes I think I should have gone hardcore right off the bat, but it's so hard to know what to do when you don't know the full truth...

 

What I was saying was at this point, the separation is probably only going to hurt things. Her WH gets it (hopefully), he's been fully woken up to how serious this is and is desperately fighting for what he has now lost. If she hadn't have dumped him, he may never have gotten to that point...sad as that is.

[Decorative]

I'm not saying she shouldn't have separated, it may well save her M as well. Sometimes I think I should have gone hardcore right off the bat, but it's so hard to know what to do when you don't know the full truth...

 

What I was saying was at this point, the separation is probably only going to hurt things. Her WH gets it (hopefully), he's been fully woken up to how serious this is and is desperately fighting for what he has now lost. If she hadn't have dumped him, he may never have gotten to that point...sad as that is.

 

Oh- I meant to be supporting your view. I agree that a separation at this point may not be in her best interest, and I was acknowledge that my hardcore stance was not ideal for everyone.

[Snowflower]

Betrayed&Stayed, I missed your post earlier, and just read it. Thank you. What you write has a lot of merit, and honestly, we have a lot of love for each other and our family unit that if I could just stay in the moment, we would be okay. Obviously while I'm trying to stay in the moment I'm carrying a Titanic boat load worth of baggage so it doesn't take long for the doubts to trickle in, or the memories, or the sadness.

 

After writing and reading this thread, I called my H and asked him to come and have dinner with us tonight and stay over in the guest room. He bawled and said thank you. I hung up and it was like a weight had been lifted, even though it's just me making a very small gesture. I'll just take that weightlifting as today's sign from the Gods that I made the right decision for me. For today.

 

Thank you all so much for your thoughts today. Much much appreciated on my end.

 

I'm so glad that you found something that helped you here. Good luck with everything and if you feel up to it, let us know what happens.

[waterwoman]

Good luck stormyseas x

[beenburned]

I followed my instincts on d-day, and briefly left FWH until I calmed down and could think more rationally. Only when he proved he was serious about changing did I come back.

 

I agree that this action on my part quickly woke FWH up to facing the reality of what his life was going to be like without me or the kids.

 

It also made him realize the seriousness of his actions and thoughts about cheating. He was very young and immature and truly believed what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me!

 

All 3 of his brief flings were about sexual variety and reclaiming the fun of acting like a single man again(while being married). All of the OW wanted to be FWB, as they all were the aggressors in pursuing him.

 

I think once you know that you want to try and reconcile, you need to be living together as a married couple. (in order to give it 100%)