lovelydayz Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Me and my husband dated for 5 years prior to marriage and it was total bliss. We met in college and have been married for 4 years. Since we've been married it's been drama from day one. After we married we moved back to our hometown where my husband took a job that broke him down bad mentally. He tried to find another one but the economy prevented that and he got rejected many many times. Ultimately he started drinking a lot to the point that he was getting drunk on a daily basis. I told him to quit his job but he refused because he didn't want to be unemployed. So we were fighting a lot about the drinking and his job. One night things escalated and he actually hit me a few times. I called the police and they made him leave the house. I was actually shocked he wasn't arrested. I left him for about a week, stayed at my parents and planned to leave for good. However, he swayed me to come back, he was crying and very remorseful about what happened. A few months later he got drunk and injured himself so the police arrested him. I was pregnant at the time of the second incident so it was a lot of drama. Both our families ended up getting involved because and things turned ugly between my husband and father. So we moved away after that because my husband felt embarrassed. We did counseling and he stopped drinking completely. We got new jobs in a high cost of living city where even though I make good money we struggle because my DH cannot seem to break 30k, even though he has a degree and a master's from a very good school. Recently he was laid off from his job and now he is walking around all mopey, depressed, and angry. And he shocked me with a credit card bill that he wracked up to about $5k without my knowledge. I feel like a dark cloud is following my husband. I feel like our short marriage of 4 years has been complete issue after issue. However everyone is telling me to stick it out, that the first years of marriage are hard, but will get better. I want to leave because I'm so unhappy. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Mr. Lucky Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 One night things escalated and he actually hit me a few times. I called the police and they made him leave the house. I was actually shocked he wasn't arrested. I was pregnant at the time of the second incident so it was a lot of drama. No where in your post do you seem to accept that the choices that you and your husband have made led you to this point. You suffer more from self-inflicted wounds than you do from some metaphorical "black cloud" of bad luck. His drinking, your staying with him after the abuse, your pregnancy, his credit card spending - all of the drama you describe is voluntary. You haven't been struck by lightning but are simply living a life of your own design. Step one would be understanding and working to fix your own part in all this. Then it sounds like you have some choices to make. If your husband understands the you're going to work on bettering your life then it will be his choice as to whether he comes along or stays behind... Mr. Lucky 1
Trixis4kidz Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 The keyword in your statement - "I want to leave because I'm so unhappy." Now do you think all of a sudden things are going to do a 180? Nothings going to change here because you have expectations of him and he of you. Neither one of you are meeting them, leading to abuse, depression, arguments, and overall not getting along. Unfortunately it sounds like your relationship has ran its course. Its not the first time, and you're not the only one that has had a similar situation. Start out with a separation, see how that goes and allow both of you to get affairs in order. It doesn't look like there is much to hold onto. Why be miserable for another few years, let alone the rest of your life? 1
newmoon Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 am i wrong in thinking that over 5 years of dating you wouldn't have seen potential signs of abuse/drinking from your now-husband? do people just overnight become this way? it's a serious question... i would think they'd display some signs of anger/inability to deal with problems beforehand and not just become violent. in any case, all of the 'problems' you have mentioned are a result of your husband/self and nothing that has been dramatically influenced by outside circumstances. it all sounds like it's within your power to change what is happening. perhaps you just need to reframe your thoughts and not look at your life as depressing, with a dark cloud following. think optimistically and turn things around. if you want to leave then, as another post suggested, try a separation for a few months and not just a week or two - see if the time away from your husband impacts your life in a more positive way
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 It sounds like an awful situation. What you describe are not examples of the first few years of a marriage being "hard." Things like this just don't magically "get better" because of time. Your husband is probably an alcoholic and that disease remains with a person whether they are drinking or not. He needs to be working on himself and fully committed to doing so for the sake of the marriage AND SO DO YOU.
Author lovelydayz Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 am i wrong in thinking that over 5 years of dating you wouldn't have seen potential signs of abuse/drinking from your now-husband? do people just overnight become this way? it's a serious question... i would think they'd display some signs of anger/inability to deal with problems beforehand and not just become violent. in any case, all of the 'problems' you have mentioned are a result of your husband/self and nothing that has been dramatically influenced by outside circumstances. it all sounds like it's within your power to change what is happening. perhaps you just need to reframe your thoughts and not look at your life as depressing, with a dark cloud following. think optimistically and turn things around. if you want to leave then, as another post suggested, try a separation for a few months and not just a week or two - see if the time away from your husband impacts your life in a more positive way When we dated our life was bliss. We fought on occasion but we mostly had a great dating life. Even he admits our marriage has been terrible compared to when we dated. We graduated during the start of the recession so I do believe that has contributed a lot to it. All of the constant job switching, him being miserable at his jobs, and now being laid off from a job has caused a lot of issues. His family all seem normal. They are definitely social drinkers, whereas my parents do not drink at all.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 When we dated our life was bliss. We fought on occasion but we mostly had a great dating life. Even he admits our marriage has been terrible compared to when we dated. We graduated during the start of the recession so I do believe that has contributed a lot to it. All of the constant job switching, him being miserable at his jobs, and now being laid off from a job has caused a lot of issues. It's his lack of coping skills and maturity that have caused the issues. Your dating life was probably "bliss" because it was fun without the adult responsibilities. Your husband is a child and it seems that you've taken on the role of the classic enabler. Maybe try attending some Al-anon meetings.
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 When we dated our life was bliss. We fought on occasion but we mostly had a great dating life. Even he admits our marriage has been terrible compared to when we dated. We graduated during the start of the recession so I do believe that has contributed a lot to it. All of the constant job switching, him being miserable at his jobs, and now being laid off from a job has caused a lot of issues. His family all seem normal. They are definitely social drinkers, whereas my parents do not drink at all. An alcoholic seems to drum up drama no matter where they go. Unless he stops drinking completely and does all his step work (which involves plenty of time and selfless energy helping OTHERS) - he's just a dry drunk (angry)! If it were me - I'd distance myself from him - and separate his debt from yours - he's likely to continue spending. What did he spend 5k on that he didn't tell you about? That alone isn't an honest man! He's sneaky! He's crappy to you! He lies! And he's abusive! Sheez, typing all that and adding in a man who doesn't provide you some peace of mind - I'd divorce him!
aussietigerwolf Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 The abuse will only get worse and if you have a kid, not only will they see everything but will most likely become a target too.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Something to keep in mind OP, is that just because he's abusing alcohol doesn't mean he's an alcoholic. Alcoholism is recognized as a disease.. but his poor choices and inability to cope were there before he ever picked up a bottle. Some people will use anything as an excuse for their behavior, including saying that they have an alcohol or drug "problem" and while that doesn't mean that their alcohol or drug use isn't a PROBLEM, it does mean that they are just using it as yet another excuse to not take responsibility. See what I mean? (Disclaimer: I am not saying that alcoholism is not a disease, I'm just saying that not everyone that abuses alcohol is an alcoholic.) The disease model for alcoholism includes a lot of criteria along with the abuse of alcohol. The reason that I believe (from my limited info) that this man is an alcoholic is because of the other traits he exhibits, among them the poor choices, inability to cope, and immaturity. Yes, they were there before he picked up a bottle - predisposing him to alcoholism. Add the booze, and voila. Take away the booze, and fail to work on the underlying problems - you have a dry drunk. The guy hasn't been using alcohol as an excuse. He's probably using everything as an excuse (economy, stressful job, etc). Excuses for getting his life together, for how he deals with his anger, and an excuse to drink. I don't think I can really know from the small amount of posts the OP made about her husband, but what IS here points to a pretty textbook relationship between a poorly functioning alcoholic and a classic enabler.
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