pink_sugar Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 (edited) Due to my husband being unable to budget his inherited savings, we're pretty much forced to move. There has been a huge lack of communication regarding finances...he won't tell me how much he has or how much he needs me to put in for rent. He won't sit down with me and make a budget...he says how can we budget when we make so little money? And then later he assumes since he spent all his savings, both our paychecks can pay for rent...not unless we starve, we have too many other monthly bills. When I say we need to find another solution as for a living situation...he just says "I don't know." It's bad enough he waited until it got to this point...I told him he needs to find a second job asap or do whatever he can to bring in income...hasn't happened. When I ask him how could he have let his savings dwindle down to nothing and not tell me, he says "I don't know." It's tearing me apart, but I don't want to live like this forever because I can never count on him to manage his money or have stable employment. I don't know what to do, but my resentment is building each day. I love him a lot and he says it would be devastating to him as well if things don't work out, but if he is unable to think of solutions or manage a budget, I don't see how we can continue. Edited November 28, 2012 by pink_sugar
carhill Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 So, if you moved out today, outline the improvements/challenges you'd face as consequences for that choice. Then, do the same for not moving out. Compare. Remember, you have no expectation that your H will ever change. Accept the real as authentic. Be sure to reflect upon the entirety of the ramifications of such choices. Your focus on the monetary aspect is important. There are a lot of other ramifications of separation. Look at the totality. Good luck. 1
passingbreeze Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Move out immediately. You must have a relative or friend who will let you crash until this is resolved? Resolve it by the two of you meeting with a counselor or a minister. Someone who is not involved personally with the situation. Try to remember that you are at fault too. Don't blame your husband totally. Because you are married, you should have been aware of how much money there was and what it was being spent on. 1
Author pink_sugar Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 You have a good point. However, he kept his savings in a personal account and sometimes would make impusive decisions without my approval or without discussing it with me first. My therapist thinks he may have ADD or ADHD and if so, should be evaluated to rule out those possibilities. I was also thinking about a marriage counselor....this is crushing to me, but big changes need to be made if we do decide to stay married.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 If I were him, I would be so uncomfortable with you airing out your laundry on a site where you are both members. 3
Author pink_sugar Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 If I were him, I would be so uncomfortable with you airing out your laundry on a site where you are both members. Sorry, I am not intentionally trying to do anything, but I think we both need mutual advice.
2sunny Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 You have a good point. However, he kept his savings in a personal account and sometimes would make impusive decisions without my approval or without discussing it with me first. My therapist thinks he may have ADD or ADHD and if so, should be evaluated to rule out those possibilities. I was also thinking about a marriage counselor....this is crushing to me, but big changes need to be made if we do decide to stay married. When did being irresponsible and stupid decisions about spending turn into ADD and ADHD? It didn't! He's irresponsible and will likely be your concern until you divorce him. He's showing with his inaction that he's not willing to change. The decision is up to you.
Balzac Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Was some amount of his inherited money always assigned for rent? It's odd that sum wasn't put into a household acct. Financial personalities are what they are. It's how you create a plan for household expenses but tight budgets can fray nerves. It's tragic that you are forced to move. I'm sorry.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 You said "we" are forced to move, but you're talking about a "forced separation." What is it?
passingbreeze Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I doubt very much that he has ADHD or any other such condition. That is just an excuse that you're making for him. If you are seeing a therapist, you must have money to pay for such an extravagance? They do not come cheap! Even though the inheritance money is/was in a separate account, I find it hard to believe that you had no idea how much was there, and what it was being spent on? Maybe you couldn't take money out yourself, but you must have known how much was there? Didn't you ever ask? Did he lie to you? When are you moving out? Soon I hope. That is the only thing that will resolve this problem. You move out, and he will be left to handle the problem. He'll figure it out soon enough. If not, then you are better off without him, and he is better off without you. From what I have read on these boards, you are a very unhappy wife, and have been for a long time.
threebyfate Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 There's a parent/child dynamic going on. It's time to walk away from the Wendy role and let Peter Pan learn his own lessons. 1
Author pink_sugar Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 Was some amount of his inherited money always assigned for rent? Yes, it has been there for living expenses and whenever he has had access to the full sum without a moderator, it seems to disappear quickly. I doubt very much that he has ADHD or any other such condition. That is just an excuse that you're making for him. If you are seeing a therapist, you must have money to pay for such an extravagance? They do not come cheap! Even though the inheritance money is/was in a separate account, I find it hard to believe that you had no idea how much was there, and what it was being spent on? Maybe you couldn't take money out yourself, but you must have known how much was there? Didn't you ever ask? Did he lie to you? I'm not saying he has it, but it could be possible due to other symptoms unrelated to finances, such as short attention span, disorganization, not doing household chores unless prompted, impulsivity and etc. I pay a small co-payment for the therapist and he gets basic medical insurance from his job that covers the rest. I've asked how much many times he's had and his response was "not much", he wouldn't give me an exact answer and he could easily spend it without my knowing. When I've explained my fears of being homeless, he would insist "we won't be homeless", which was a lie because he knows I'd get freaked out, which I did.
2sunny Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 So you are giving evidence that he is irresponsible and childish - and isn't alarmed for your future... What do you plan to do about it in order to move forward?
Balzac Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I'm not sure what contracts exist for your housing. What I do know is that eviction requires time after non payment. In most cases tenants are held to the full expense of the lease. Have you considered that remaining in your housing, negotiating w your landlord, allowing the process of eviction to may out...any enlargement of time is in your favor. Do you know the rules of eviction in your city?
passingbreeze Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Pink Sugar: I wish you would respond and tell us what happened? My guess is that you didn't leave him and that you never will? He still has money coming in every month from his inheritance, right? You mentioned a "moderator", which makes me think that there is a lot of money left, but that it is portioned out on a monthly basis, and that this month he "blew it" and took out too much? But next month and thereafter there will be enough to live on? Correct me if I'm wrong?
liquid_amber Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Pink Sugar: I wish you would respond and tell us what happened? My guess is that you didn't leave him and that you never will? He still has money coming in every month from his inheritance, right? You mentioned a "moderator", which makes me think that there is a lot of money left, but that it is portioned out on a monthly basis, and that this month he "blew it" and took out too much? But next month and thereafter there will be enough to live on? Correct me if I'm wrong? i agree. i've also been following your posts for a while now, and it would be really nice if you could let us know how it turned out. you've posted several threads that make it sound like you're extremely unhappy, and people give you advice, but you never give us an update. i know your husband is on this board and is probably reading this thread. i assume everything is okay now?
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