jlola Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 You always read stories of how the affair has affected the BS. The description of the pain seems unbearable. But is the pain magnified even more if the cheating spouse leaves for someone else? I would imagine if after discovering the affair, the cheating spouse tells you they are no longer in love with you, but with the other person and leaves to be with them, the heartbreak and betrayal is worse(if that is possible). I have seen this scenario play out with friends and family. I often wonder if the BS in this situation ever fully gets over being abandoned this way. At least most of the situations seem common for the OP is the one thrown under the bus when the affair is discovered. But to throw the spouse under the bus for OP seems like a whole other trauma.
Realist3 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Very good question. I have seen this a few times as well, and while I was not privy to the inner thoughts of the BS, it had to be devestating.
CantgetoveritNY Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 You always read stories of how the affair has affected the BS. The description of the pain seems unbearable. But is the pain magnified even more if the cheating spouse leaves for someone else? I would imagine if after discovering the affair, the cheating spouse tells you they are no longer in love with you, but with the other person and leaves to be with them, the heartbreak and betrayal is worse(if that is possible). I have seen this scenario play out with friends and family. I often wonder if the BS in this situation ever fully gets over being abandoned this way. At least most of the situations seem common for the OP is the one thrown under the bus when the affair is discovered. But to throw the spouse under the bus for OP seems like a whole other trauma. My situation is not 100% on the mark. I told what I knew about the A to the BS of the MM my wife was sleeping with. The MM then totally cut my wife off. It was his choice, not hers. NC now for 5 months. My wife says all the right things to me but I find evidence that if the MM were to come calling she would go to him. So she did not throw me under the buss but only b/c he threw her under the bus. And if I read other threads correctly it is just a matter of time till the MM resurfaces.
waterwoman Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Don't know. Not been there. But a bit confused as to why there seem to be so many questions on here about how much BS suffer from affairs. Seems a bit vicarious somehow..... Affairs hurt BS. Full stop. 2
worldgonewrong Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 "How does betrayed spouse feel if left for OP?" Original Poster? I'd be confused!
Author jlola Posted November 28, 2012 Author Posted November 28, 2012 "How does betrayed spouse feel if left for OP?" Original Poster? I'd be confused! Other person:)
beenburned Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 This happened to my D. Her H (who was her HS sweetheart), left her for his OW after only 1 year of marriage. At the time, she was devastated, as it was totally unexpected.(as she didn't know he had been cheating) She is fine now. He married his OW after the divorce was finalized. They had 2 kids soon after. After about 4 years of marriage, she left him for an OM. She also left both kids for him to raise. My D eventually got remarried and had a child. They had been married 9 years when she found out he had been cheating with 2 OW at the same time for 4 years. She immediately kicked him out and filed for divorce. Both OW dropped him when they found out how he had been lying to everyone. He moved out of state and now has a new GF that knows nothing about his history as a serial cheater. D and grandchild are doing fine and are happy!
BetrayedH Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Well, my wife didn't leave for her AP but she did divorce me. I never want to minimize how anyone else feels after an affair but I have to say that it certainly seems to me that it added another level of hurt that hasn't gone away. It was one thing to have my wife have an affair and then try to reconcile. When she filed for divorce, I truly felt completely discarded. When someone knows you intimately for almost 20 years, has an affair, and then decides you're not worth the effort of reconciling (even with two small children), it's about a brutal of a blow to the ego as I can imagine. I certainly take some of the blame for a failed reconciliation as I was broken beyond belief and made some seriously poor judgments but that doesn't help my ego either. It's quite something to never be welcome in the marital home ever again, to wait in your old driveway when you pick up your children, to have your own door shut in your face. That I was ultimately deemed unworthy of her faithfulness or a reconciliation after she was caught is really like the ultimate rejection. Going through the divorce made it seem like a very final judgment that I wasn't worth any effort. In fact, she made quite an effort to get away. Pretty tough to sit in your little two-bedroom apartment by yourself after that (lost my kids half the time so this happens with some frequency). It ain't fun. I'm smart enough and healed enough not to blame myself for this but I can tell you that after having survived being a BS, the last thing I needed was to be unceremoniously divorced by my WS. 7
beenburned Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 BH, Time will heal your wounds and pride! My D eventually realized that both of her XH's weren't the people she had thought they were. She deserved much better! It put everything in very clear focus that she needs to be much more diligent in choosing a new H. She and her child are doing better than ever. She set new goals for herself and the direction that she wanted her life to go in! She graduates from college in December with honors, and wants to go on for her Master's degree. Her employer helps pay for some of the college expenses. Make your time with your children the best it can be. They thrive on the love and attention of a devoted parent!(because they grow up very fast) 2
Mint Sauce Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 yes, she left me for him. what can I say. nothing I experienced hitherto compares to the acute pain of that event. I remember nights pacing through the living room because I couldn't even sit down. Lost ~10kg in a month. No sleep. but in a way, it was so traumatic, and so out-of-the-blue for everyone but the two of them, that I got massive support from everybody around me, including her family. I'm far from fully healed, but I'm sure that some day I will be. 1
cocorico Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 You always read stories of how the affair has affected the BS. The description of the pain seems unbearable. But is the pain magnified even more if the cheating spouse leaves for someone else? I would imagine if after discovering the affair, the cheating spouse tells you they are no longer in love with you, but with the other person and leaves to be with them, the heartbreak and betrayal is worse(if that is possible). I have seen this scenario play out with friends and family. I often wonder if the BS in this situation ever fully gets over being abandoned this way. At least most of the situations seem common for the OP is the one thrown under the bus when the affair is discovered. But to throw the spouse under the bus for OP seems like a whole other trauma. It is quite a common scenario IME. And on the bolded, IME it is often the case that the BS never fully gets over it. Certainly my mother is still extremely bitter about having been left by my father for his OW, although he waited until the kids were all grown, and although this all happened many decades ago. She has never had an R since then and has essentially become a recluse, hating men and the world. And I know colleagues who continue to work at the same organisation as their xWS and his new partner (fOW) who have similarly remained single and embittered, prone to spreading malicious gossip and becoming increasingly socially isolated. OTOH, a former colleague happily reM to a lovely woman he met some years after his WW dumped him for her fAP, and he's happier than ever. It's probably still too early to tell which option my H's xBW will choose, long term, but thus far she's shown no signs of wanting to move on.
seren Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 My first husband met and fell in love with someone else when he was on a 6 month business trip, we had been married 2 years and were very young, both 23. TBH, while I was hurt (understatement) that they went on to get married and have a family made it easier than had it all been for nothing. Within a year we were both on good speaking terms and some 30 odd years later I still get a Christmas card. Had H left I would have been devastated, but would have respected it if it was done at the beginning of him feeling he loved someone more than stringing it along for years and me knowing nothing. 1
knitwit Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 My FIL left my MIL nearly 20 years ago for his OW. My MIL was pissed and very hurt- it was a horrible, ugly divorce. Now, 20 years later, my FIL has married his OW and they are a great couple! They sure seem to be very happy and are lovely to be around. My MIL has not remarried, by her choice, and she is very happy. I think she is by far happier now than I ever recall her being back when they were married (but I was teenager then, so who knows.) She is a lot of fun as well. In the last couple of years, my FIL and his wife, and my MIL, have had increasing occasions to be in the same areas (e.g. my wedding to their son, the birth of their grandson, big family holiday parties thrown by my SIL). Interestingly, my FIL and his wife seem to be uncomfortable when in the presence of my MIL. My MIL, besides being somewhat amused by their discomfort, appears that she couldn't care less. My DH and his sister are of different opinions re: should they both be invited to the same gatherings, but regardless, we are all happy that they can all be in the same room without drama or any issues.
MissBee Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 BH, Time will heal your wounds and pride! My D eventually realized that both of her XH's weren't the people she had thought they were. She deserved much better! It put everything in very clear focus that she needs to be much more diligent in choosing a new H. She and her child are doing better than ever. She set new goals for herself and the direction that she wanted her life to go in! She graduates from college in December with honors, and wants to go on for her Master's degree. Her employer helps pay for some of the college expenses. Make your time with your children the best it can be. They thrive on the love and attention of a devoted parent!(because they grow up very fast) Great post! My response was going to be similar. I'm certain it would be very hurtful and upsetting, as most unexpected, non-mutual break ups are, plus the added hurt of a betrayal; however, most people do eventually move on and time does heal your wounds. Often you come to realize that that situation was probably not in your best interest. But as with anything its effect depends on your outlook, mental state and the support system you have around you. 2
CantgetoveritNY Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Well, my wife didn't leave for her AP but she did divorce me. I never want to minimize how anyone else feels after an affair but I have to say that it certainly seems to me that it added another level of hurt that hasn't gone away. It was one thing to have my wife have an affair and then try to reconcile. When she filed for divorce, I truly felt completely discarded. When someone knows you intimately for almost 20 years, has an affair, and then decides you're not worth the effort of reconciling (even with two small children), it's about a brutal of a blow to the ego as I can imagine. I certainly take some of the blame for a failed reconciliation as I was broken beyond belief and made some seriously poor judgments but that doesn't help my ego either. It's quite something to never be welcome in the marital home ever again, to wait in your old driveway when you pick up your children, to have your own door shut in your face. That I was ultimately deemed unworthy of her faithfulness or a reconciliation after she was caught is really like the ultimate rejection. Going through the divorce made it seem like a very final judgment that I wasn't worth any effort. In fact, she made quite an effort to get away. Pretty tough to sit in your little two-bedroom apartment by yourself after that (lost my kids half the time so this happens with some frequency). It ain't fun. I'm smart enough and healed enough not to blame myself for this but I can tell you that after having survived being a BS, the last thing I needed was to be unceremoniously divorced by my WS. I've seen a lot of your posted and liked them. I never heard this part of your story. Makes me want to try to get over it if you know what I mean. Thanks. 1
Damia Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Unbelievable debilitating hurt. I lost 15 kg and barely functioned for 6 mths 2 years down the track it depends on the circumstances, some days I'm very bitter but most of the time I'm loving the freedom of being single. Just wishing that the settlement process was not so complicated so I can move on and up! xH is still with his AP,this again is a two edged sword. On one hand she is 19 years younger 31 and he is unable to have any more children.So I assume she is happy not to have a family?.(Neither of them are interested in a relationship with our children) This is on the plus side for me as blended families can be tricky and selfishly I don't have to "share" my children with another woman The negatives are they live in my family home and she reaps the benefits of the 20 years we have been in business,having arrived with nothing and contributing nothing! The saddest thing of all is my children have lost a father
Damia Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Just to add ,your confidence also takes a huge beating to begin with as the feelings of being unloved and unloveable are hard to shake. I'm very lucky ,I have an amazing support network that show me constantly I'm loveable. The confidence is taking a little longer and a bit more work 1
beenburned Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 MissBee, So true!!!! Spit, D's first H was her HS sweetheart. He came from a good Christian family and she dated him for many years before marrying him. There were no clues that he would fall in love with another woman and leave her. D's second H was a good family friend. We have known the entire family for most of our lives. They are also good Christian people. Her H started drinking heavily and bar hopping with co-workers/friends after their marriage. He is now a full blown alcoholic. The cheating started after he became an alcoholic. All the families involved were devasted, as they all loved my D very much. She still socializes with both sets of her former in-laws. No one has any tattoos, and all were good people who made very poor choices that have affected their lives very badly! It was all very sad and I have cried many tears over it all. But my D and grandchild are thriving and happy. D is stronger and more determined than ever to make her future a success!
woinlove Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 But as with anything its effect depends on your outlook, mental state and the support system you have around you. This is so true. It would be wonderful if everyone could move on to happiness after a period of grieving and dealing with the betrayal. But I think it is important to recognize that many who have difficulty moving on even years later may not have the support or mental health that others have. They may be in most need of kindness, not being looked down upon, as some posts suggest. 2
2sure Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Many good points here I have never considered. It always seemed to me that far more women left for AP than men, but I see here that may not be the case. I think that for the BS , a husband whose wife leaves him for AP...but she gets to stay in the house with his kids...that is a whole other knd of robbery and violation I had not considered. And while divorce happens all of the time with these same terms...being in the driveway of your old life, I can't imagine. I think also that Divorce happens for a reason and if a cheating spouse leaves you for AP...you were not being loved enough, it wasn't working. I too know APs that ultimately married and it seems to work, but the odds against that are high. Which, if your kids are involved...is just a real shame.
BetrayedH Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Was she always this selfish and you just didn't pick up on it earlier in the relationship? I think that's probably somewhat accurate. I have always been somewhat of an empath and a very self-sacrificing one. She comes from a very selfish family. I think I was a bit of an inspiration to her about how to live differently. I was the first man that she ever became connected to and she married me. During the marriage, she was more focused on material things than I but i am rather extreme when it comes to "things." I just don't need them. So I didn't really see her as selfish and was happy for her to have what she wanted for us as a family, for the kids, and for herself. Not to say that I was a slouch. We both had professional jobs and I always made slightly more than her. I was just never really a driven person for more. We had two good jobs, a nice new home, 2 great kids, 2 new cars, 2 cats. Other than being sex-starved and a bit frazzled by responsibilities, I thought we were fine. I suppose I was fairly complacent and we were very child-centric. I think she wanted more. In typical WW fashion, she grew bored and wanted to be challenged and I'm sure she wanted a more motivated man, a more patriarchal household (like her family). Honestly though, I just didn't see this coming. I wish she had shared more and that I had had more foresight about needing to keep focused on the marital relationship. Intead, I focused on being consistently responsible. It wasn't enough for her and I didn't inow it because she never said anything until after I discovered the affair. Then it was very hard for me to carry the burden of making fundamental changes. At first, I did well as changing to what she wanted but then the anger phase set in and I couldn't release my resentment over what she had done. 1
96nole Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I think that's probably somewhat accurate. I have always been somewhat of an empath and a very self-sacrificing one. She comes from a very selfish family. I think I was a bit of an inspiration to her about how to live differently. I was the first man that she ever became connected to and she married me. During the marriage, she was more focused on material things than I but i am rather extreme when it comes to "things." I just don't need them. So I didn't really see her as selfish and was happy for her to have what she wanted for us as a family, for the kids, and for herself. Not to say that I was a slouch. We both had professional jobs and I always made slightly more than her. I was just never really a driven person for more. We had two good jobs, a nice new home, 2 great kids, 2 new cars, 2 cats. Other than being sex-starved and a bit frazzled by responsibilities, I thought we were fine. I suppose I was fairly complacent and we were very child-centric. I think she wanted more. In typical WW fashion, she grew bored and wanted to be challenged and I'm sure she wanted a more motivated man, a more patriarchal household (like her family). Honestly though, I just didn't see this coming. I wish she had shared more and that I had had more foresight about needing to keep focused on the marital relationship. Intead, I focused on being consistently responsible. It wasn't enough for her and I didn't inow it because she never said anything until after I discovered the affair. Then it was very hard for me to carry the burden of making fundamental changes. At first, I did well as changing to what she wanted but then the anger phase set in and I couldn't release my resentment over what she had done. Take out the children and the story could be mine. Isn't it amazing how we made major changes for the WW's, as if it was expected that we make the changes for them. Fat load of good that did. 1
beenburned Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 2sure, You brought up a good point about who gets the house! It would be excruciating to watch a cheating spouse not only get the house, but move their affair partner in with them! My D was very fortunate in that she owned her home and land before she ever married anybody. Since it was all in her name only, it was considered separate property during both of her divorces. 1
96nole Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 2sure, You brought up a good point about who gets the house! It would be excruciating to watch a cheating spouse not only get the house, but move their affair partner in with them! My D was very fortunate in that she owned her home and land before she ever married anybody. Since it was all in her name only, it was considered separate property during both of her divorces. Yep. In my case, the cheating spouse got the house, moved the dirtbag in, then they also moved dirtbags mommy in. And from what I understand, the house dirtbag and his mommy were living in is now empty and some of the windows are boarded up. At first I was pissed off about some loser dirtbag being in the house. But now, I'm kind of laughing at it. I mean really?!?!? His mommy?!?!?
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