mmmmeme Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Hey Guys, I am hoping for a male perspective on dating. I am a female who has begun seeing a friend of mine. We've known each other for about 8 months and have a TON of mutual friends (incl my ex). During the first 3 months of our friendship we both were in other relationships (his 3months she dumped him, mine 6 years I broke up with him). After each of our relationships ended, he began messaging me a few times a week, and always offering to help fix things or seeing if I wanted to have dog play dates. I always thought he was being friendly but my friends insisted he 'liked' me based off his niceness and generosity. Flash-forward to a friend vacation trip we both were on, by the second night after a few glasses of wine- I end up making the first move and making out with him. He reciprocated, and it was aaaawesome. As the trip progressed we ended up having quite the intense romance (though we kept it private in front of our friends). I was skeptical after the trip concluded that we would continue seeing each other (esp because I made the first move), but lo and behold he began messaging or texting me to hang out immediately after. He planned several awesome dates, introduced me to friends, held my hand in public, and sent awesome sweet messages throughout the days, in the mornings, via text, phone fb whatever. If I am interested, I generally mirror a man's advances with enthusiasm. So an I miss you text gets reciprocated in the same way with equal interest. He continued sweet texts while he was away for business, and making plans for when he returned. He always initiated the dates, though some he planned the event, others I did. Here we are now its only been about a month of actual dating: About a week and a half ago- he messaged me at 10pm on Saturday to meet up after work and 'hang out'. I already had a birthday party to attend, but extended the invitation to him. He showed up at nearly 2 in the morning, intoxicated-after he had spontaneously went to another party, where we basically hung out for a few, and then went home together. He had plans in the morning and had to leave. That left me a little irritated as it just felt like a hook up- which I really don't appreciate nor am I interested in. Since then he made a friendly offer to drive me to the airport ( I didnt ask, he knew I was leaving and asked if he could take me). But the ride was a bit cold and unromantic. No flirting, no touching, tiny bit of laughing (we joke always). I am not certain if it was my reaction from the earlier night feeling like a hook up, or if there is something generally going on. He hasn't asked me out since, text messages ceased, only a few fb messages asking how I am doing, how was my holiday, details about his life (small) etc. No plans to hang out again soon. My question: Is there a way to get a read on this? Has he lost interest? If I had been a bit 'cold' after the night i felt like a hook up could that have caused him to back off, or am I getting a correct feeling about it. Is it possible sometimes you fade out on texts don't make dates with girls you are interested in because you're busy- or is that an indicator of your feelings specifically toward the girl. Do you ever start out strong (daily texts, miss you's, inquiries etc) and fade into message every now and then if you are still interested? Should I let him come to me, or should I message him to indicate that I am still interested? Again, i have initiated a few bits of contact in the month (since its new), but typically I let him send a contact. ALso since we knew each other previously the relationship seemed to move incredibly fast in just one month, faster than I had ever moved with anyone. He last messaged me just under two days ago where we chatted for a bit, both of us extremely friendly (jokes and laughing, stories etc) but i had to cut it short for a friends dinner. No invitation to hang out, nothing sweet or I miss you, he hasn't contacted me since- I haven't him. One small point of note: The night he showed up late to the party he indicated right before he arrived that he was sorry he was late, he just didnt want to go to this birthday (his best friends exgirlfriend) He didnt realize it was her party until after he agreed to attend. I was alright with him showing up late, but I was probably visibly irritated when he took off first thing in the morning- though I didn't say it. Thoughts????? FYI I appreciate all honesty(even brutal) as long as its productive.
Treasa Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 I probably wouldn't have invited him to the party. It's good to do your own thing without having him join you. I also wouldn't indicate any interest to him now, since he's not indicating any to you. You were understandably right to feel a bit cold after feeling used, but even then, if he were really into you, he wouldn't let that be a deterrent. I'd say back off completely from any contact, maybe not reply to his half-hearted messages, and start seeing other guys.
Author mmmmeme Posted November 28, 2012 Author Posted November 28, 2012 K, so basically give up and move on? Total bummer, but I appreciate the input!
curlygirl40 Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I also wouldn't indicate any interest to him now, since he's not indicating any to you. You were understandably right to feel a bit cold after feeling used, but even then, if he were really into you, he wouldn't let that be a deterrent. Exactly this. In your original post you mentioned mirroring his actions. It's a smart move. And unfortunately that's what you need to do now also. He's not indicating as much interest as before, he hasn't asked to see you, etc. So you do the same and see how it plays out. If he texts, you text back. If he calls, you answer. If he asks you out, you say yes (if you want to). But I wouldn't pursue. I'm not saying play games and pretend you're not interested, but when someone takes their space you need to give it to them. If he was really crazy about you and afraid that he upset you by that late night visit, he would be scrambling to make it up to you. In my opinion. 1
Author mmmmeme Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 Thank you tons. Makes sense. I appreciate the response!
Failboy Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 In general, there is no merit in getting worked up over every tiny action you do. If a guy "likes" you, it is possible he will put up with a bunch of crap. If he doesn't, you can't really do too much about it. The only scenario I can think of when it comes to "when little things matter a ton" is when he kinda likes you, but thinks he might like someone else even more. In those cases you can wait it out until he gets rejected or finds out he likes you more than that other person. I might sound discomforting or cynical, but I don't mean it that way. What I am saying is that people in general have less influence on whether people are into them or not than they'd like to have. Not saying you can do whatever you want or anything to that radical degree. Just saying you shouldn't get worked up over every tiny supposedly mistake. I know I did that a lot in the past.. when reality probably simply was, that I had no real chance in the first place because she could get guys she liked better and knew it. 1
Lonely Ronin Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 As a guy, I would have two things in the back of my mind. Me having to initiate a bulk of the communication, is a big caution sign that says be careful, she might only be responsive because you are giving her attention, or because she is only kind of interested. After a couple of weeks of dating, I would expect a text or fb message every couple of days. The biggest thing for me would be am I the rebound? You just got out of a 6 year relationship. Personally i would not even attempt to date you for several months until i saw signs that you are 100% over your ex.
salparadise Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 (edited) If I were you, this from a guy's perspective, I'd make some effort to rekindle the easy going flirtatiousness the two of you had before. If he doesn't mirror your initiative then perhaps he's cooling off. If you seemed displeased with the hookup after the party he may take that as a sign that you are going cold on him. If you two were already dating and having sex, I see no reason you shouldn't feel just fine with what happened after the party. Not every interaction has to be a planned date with all the trimmings. Also, it's natural for the obsessive early courting behaviors to subside even if things are going well. And I agree with Ronin that you should take some of the initiative in the communication. We guys are looking for some balance in this regard. The days of us playing the role of pursuer and the woman acting all demure are from a different era. Edited November 29, 2012 by salparadise
Author mmmmeme Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 thanks again! Crap! guys say ball is in my court. Ladies say leave it alone? Here is the thing- I really like this guy. Despite being slightly awkward after the saturday date. I really genuinely appreciate him, and think we get along fabulous. We have a ton in common and our sex is off the charts. I am very laid back, and happy to give someone space if they want it, even more space if they are not feeling me(or feeling someone else), but I would also hate to just blow this off because either side thinks the other person isn't interested. I don't want to turn someone off by being needy/easy/etc- but I dont really mind if I swallow some pride and lay out my cards. Its just hard to interpret the situation, for me I guess. Last thing in case this means anything at all (doubtful) This entire week he has been all over my fb. despite not texting or calling, its a daily 'like' comment etc on everything I post. He has never done that before during our normal dating... and really im not posting anything particularly amazing.
Recommended Posts