No Contact or Just let it be?

[justin8]

It was my first relationship. Started in June, ended in September. We live in same college campus, practically stayed with each other for 24 hours (which I've realized now, was very bad choice). Lost touch with most of our friends. And even after she said she wants to breakup, I stayed on with her, partly in hopes that she'll change her mind and partly because she didn't have any company.

 

She used to cry a lot, as she was lonely, so I found it difficult to leave her like that even when she broke up with me. I stayed with her and helped in studies and took care of her when she was ill. In the process, I lost touch almost all my friends and social circle. One day I tried NC after telling her clearly that this isn't going to work - I can't stay with her if there's no hope of us getting together, and started NC, which she broke after 11 days. During that period, I just kept myself to my room, with very less socialization. NC was on and off for a while. And by now, I think I don't feel for her as strongly. She contacts me every now and then, when she needs something or when she's frustrated.

 

Now she's got a nice group of friends, and I am lonely. It's fast paced life here at campus - nobody has got time for others. Our lives have more or less separate ways now. But I just don't know how to deal with this loneliness - I've always had a big group of friends who cared for me, and here I am, spending days practically alone. I even spent my birthday practically alone, and she gave me gifts. That's why I've maintained contact with her and heed to her requests when she needs me. I know I am getting used up, but she is the only "real" social bond I have in this campus now.

 

I apologize if I sound confused or unclear. I just need to know how to go about settling things and get my life together. People have suggested rebound, so that my attention is shifted from her, but I am just not sure about it. Practically everybody in the campus knows that I was in a relationship with her, and I don't want to come off as someone who hops from one gf to another.

Edited November 28, 2012 by justin8

[justin8]

thanks for sharing your similar experience Will ... hearing about a similar experience of someone is comforting, in sense that it's not just me who made such childish mistakes, which seem so obviously wrong now.

 

Actually it's not that I treated my friends badly or ignored them for gf, it's just that they got busy with other things as I directed my attention towards this girl.

 

I know I'll eventually make a large group of friends again, that's not the issue. Its just that I am not sure whether to keep talking to my ex *at this moment*. She is a nice person, and I'd like to be friends with her (not for getting back or something). But I am getting a feeling that this contact every other day brings out "weak/vulnerable me". I even shared this "limited social life" thing with her, even though I didn't want to initially.

 

I've one more query regarding the nature of our relationship, I'll post it separately. So that I am sure I don't repeat mistakes again.

[na49]

Justin I'm in the EXACT same situation as you. My girlfriend and I both are on the same college campus. We were seen together before and people knew we were together. She's the one with the rebound as she cheated on me and had another guy lined up apparently. Well long story short, she broke up with me before I found out, then I later found out and I was a mess. Looking back on it she limited me without her even realizing it. It was my fault for allowing that to happen. I spent so much attention to her and tried keeping her happy that I missed out on the chance to meet people when school first started. I was so comfortable knowing that as long as I had her I would be okay that it kept me from being as social as I would've liked.

 

I've changed since then and have talked with those who I didn't earlier. Starting to make the friends that I couldn't (by my own doing) earlier. I'm not the most social person, but I've found others who are like me. Not caring is one of the best pieces of advice I can give you. I have a tendency to over think things and not do them, but I am more successful and fun to be around when I just do things and not really care what others may think. Everyone else is just as nervous as you are, and they don't really care either in the end.

 

My ex did something similar where she'd only call me if she had a problem. I'm not sure how you feel about it, but I don't like that she does that. Considering she was the one to get rid of me, she shouldn't just pull me out of the trash every now and then because she knows I'm always around to talk to. If staying in contact with your ex is okay with you then more power to you. Personally I found that I couldn't do it, at least not yet. (we broke up almost two months ago) For some dumb reason I found that I had feelings for her and having her there as just a friend caused me more pain then ever. I had to deal with the idea of her being there but not being there. It was too much for me, but like I said if you don't have feelings for her anymore then being friends shouldn't be a problem.

 

I'd go strict NC if I were you. I've had almost a month of NC and have found that it helped me a lot. No stalking on facebook, no checking twitter, no nothing. I am having less and less interest in what is going on in her life because I realize that nothing I find out will make me feel better. If she is miserable, I don't want to know. If she is loving life more than when she was with me, I don't want to know. I plan on blocking her number so that she can't call or text me when she is bored and no one else will pay attention to her. I've found in all of this that I need to focus on myself because in the end you are the only person you can control. Don't wait around for her, she's gone. It's all on you now.

[justin8]

" I'd go strict NC if I were you. I've had almost a month of NC and have found that it helped me a lot. No stalking on facebook, no checking twitter, no nothing. I am having less and less interest in what is going on in her life because I realize that nothing I find out will make me feel better. If she is miserable, I don't want to know. If she is loving life more than when she was with me, I don't want to know. I plan on blocking her number so that she can't call or text me when she is bored and no one else will pay attention to her. I've found in all of this that I need to focus on myself because in the end you are the only person you can control. Don't wait around for her, she's gone. It's all on you now. "

 

Thanks a lot na49 ... I get a feeling that although I knew I shouldn't be in touch with her, I just couldn't let go for some reason. Your these words have hopefully sealed the deal for me. They've given me a new perspective to look at the situation.

 

Irrespective of how nice a person she is (with others), she would do me no good as she's aware I am vulnerable around her. This relationship has taught me thing - even the very best of people will intentionally/unintentionally take advantage of you, if you serve yourself on the platter

 

I said I don't have feelings for her anymore, as in retrospect, I realized I gave up way too much for this girl, and she reciprocated in zilch. I wasn't into her at first - she was the one making all the moves, and to my surprise, she made the first move to get in bed too. I liked her, but knew there was no future. But still, I committed myself fully to her, believing the girl loved me. Things apparently turned out to be different when I started making myself available and caring for her. We were sleeping together for more than 6 weeks and suddenly, she starts objecting when I called her my girlfriend (even while she was sexually involved with me, and the whole campus knows we're together). I was taken aback - just couldn't get what happened to me. A week back she was crying for me, and now tells me this. Well, it was all playing "relationship-fixer" after that. I should've left her at that point itself. Would've spared a lot of emotional trouble, and social/material loss.

 

What are your opinions on this? Was it a healthy relationship to begin with Or was she using me as her "boy-toy" all along?

[justin8]

And yes one more detail - even now, when spends time with me, she is slightly provocative, but backs out when I respond, blames everything on me. Then next day, even though she was angry the other day, she contacts me and acts as if nothing happened - this has happened more than a couple of times. Is she interested in me or just playing with me - as she knows I am too much of a nice guy to behave badly with her.

[na49]

It's actually scary how similar our situations are. Although my ex never denounced being my girlfriend, I was too much of a nice guy. She may not want you back, but she doesn't want to lose having you there as a backup plan and someone to cry to when no one else will listen. Now it's up to you if that's okay. I hate to say it, but it sounds like you were more of a "boy toy". Go NC and don't look back!

[justin8]

thanks na49 and will1988:) ..NC it is then. God bless you both

[Simon Phoenix]

Not in college, but my situation was somewhat similar. I moved to a new town and shortly after started seeing my ex (sister-in-law of my best friend). Instead of meeting people and hanging out with old friends (most of whom were a hassle to see after the move) I spent the first few months basically hanging out with my ex and working. Even one of my best friends became option No. 2 to her, half because of distance (he lives 30-40 minutes away) and half because I was smitten with her. She had plenty of local friends, but would spend time with me over all of them.

 

When it died a few months later, I definitely was a lone wolf for a bit because I hadn't tried to meet anyone in my new town, which made the break hurt more because I had nothing to replace it. Tried some random hookups but that didn't work. Meanwhile, she had plenty of social options. But I've gone out and met some people who I can hang out with and my need to think about her and try to get a hold of her has gone down considerably. Have been NC for a little over two months now (actually had to look it up because I had lost track) and things are good. She hasn't tried to contact me at all, though I've been hinted that she misses me and wants to be friends. I'm not necessarily against it, but there's no way in hell I'm going to initiate such a thing. If she wants it, she'll have to come get it.

[justin8]

So after around 3 days of neither of us contacting each other, she texts me. Making small talk, nothing concrete, and it was evident that after stirring things, she wanted me to make an effort to continue to conversation. I didn't. This feels even better than NC , seeing that her attempts to extract some sort of affirmation from me, and my indifferent attitude