My boyfriend is wonderful, but I'm completely sabotaging the relationship!

November 28, 2012

I feel like I'm completely sabotaging my relationship, and it's all my own fault. So sorry for the long read, I just wanted to lay it all bare!

I've posted about this before, but it's really hard for me to post my feelings and thoughts on something when they fluctuate so much, so I'll try to let it all out while I'm in this "state". Let me give some brief overview on the situation...

Now, let me tell you straight off the bat, my boyfriend is the sweetest and most amazing person I have ever met. He cares deeply for me, and treats me in ways no one ever has. He's had one previous long-term girlfriend, and they were together for 4 years, and they broke up over 2 years ago. I'm the first girl he's been with since her, and the second girl (besides her) he's ever slept with. The sex we have is AMAZING. I have also only had sex with one other person, but it was with someone who left me a week later. Which brings me to my worries and what is causing me to sabotage everything in this relationship...

I'm 19 years old, and my boyfriend is 22 years old. I've recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am, to put it simply, completely emotionally unstable.

Let me delve a little into my (rather minor) relationship history. My first relationship started when I was 17. I dated a guy, K, that I'd been good friends with for 2+ years. He was 22, and I was 17 when we dated. I was his first serious relationship, and before me he hadn't had any previous relationships. He loved me in ways similar to my current bf. He did the world for me, treated me amazingly well, etc etc. We dated for 1.5 years, and our breakup was ridiculously messy. I broke his heart into a million pieces. You know those stories you read on this forum about the immature girl who sticks with the guy to feel better about herself, drags him from end to end, breaks his heart constantly, asks for him back, and then dumps him again? Yeah, that was me.

Anyway, **** really hit the fan when two weeks after breaking up with my ex, I met another guy who I instantly fell for. This guy was 25 years old, and I was 18. Yes, I know, what in the world would a 25 year old want to do with an 18 year old besides easy sex? Well, he got exactly that - yes, I was a virgin, I hadn't even slept with my long term bf after 1.5 years, but I gave it up after 2 months with a new guy. I fell CRAZY for this guy, and in falling for this guy I realized how not into my ex I had been for a year+. Long story short, the guy was pretty manipulative and emotionally abusive, and a week after I gave it up, he kicked me to the curb to never talk to me again.

I thought I deserved that to happen to me. I didn't even bother trying to "lift myself up" and move on with my life - I just let despair rule over me, thinking it was my punishment and karma for how I broke my ex-boyfriend's heart. I hit a deep depression, and although I had a few "friends with benefits" (but never full-sex), it was all empty and nothing that fulfilled me in any way. I told myself I'd be single until I figured my **** out, because clearly I was way too depressed and I had no idea what I wanted, and who was I to impose myself on someone else in the state I was?

Then about two months ago I met my boyfriend. I don't know, something just HAPPENED with him. Even knowing I wasn't in the state to handle a proper relationship, I knew I'd regret it if I didn't give it a chance, especially with such a good guy, so I took the leap of faith and ended up with my now-boyfriend.

I thought the "honeymoon period" was supposed to be worry less and blissful, but it's been nothing like that for me!

Although I've recently started therapy, I'm having a hard time with it. I've gone through three therapists thus far, and I feel absolutely no "connection" with any of them. They don't GET me, and who will get me? I speak illogically, and I make no sense in what I think and what I feel. I worry over the dumbest and most trivial things. I started therapy because my parents urged me to, and initially I was positive towards it, but now I'm just starting to think I'm just immature and I have no issues, and it's all my fault and I should just deal with it like everyone else deals with their own issues, because I'm making a big deal out of nothing 99% of the time. I'm 19, ffs. This shouldn't be a big deal. Meanwhile, I'm sure most of the posters here are older, wiser and have much bigger problems than mine. I feel like I'm just "growing up" and this is part of my learning, and I should just let it run its course instead of trying to inhibit it. I feel I should "let go" of these worries, allow me to make the mistakes I'm trying to avoid myself from doing, and that getting hurt and ****ing up this relationship is something I can't avoid, and I should just let myself **** things up and hopefully "learn from it."

This causes me jumping around in my head and trying to find ways to deal with the misery. I know I said I wanted to take a chance with him, despite not being "fixed", but I'm finding it terrible. I've even found myself trying to find excuses to leave him. I can't cope, and I don't want him to know just how bad I'm doing. Yeah, he'd care, but what type of relationship is it if my feelings are being babysat by my boyfriend two months into it? He's not my parent. He's supposed to my boyfriend. My equal. And I feel so inadequate of him, because of how badly I struggle with my head and emotions, and how much he does not.

My current therapist is trying to help me out with my mental turmoil. He's recommended me a few books and has taught me new "techniques" on dealing with my depression. Mostly things like mindfulness and trying to lessen my worries. I am having an extremely hard time with this. He's trying to emphasize to me to "stay in the moment" and "not worry about the future or the past." I've bought all the books he's recommended, and I'm trying to read them and soak in what they're saying, but I just CAN'T apply or understand anything the text says to myself, no matter how hard I try. The techniques he gives me for homework are about trying to distract myself and not let myself sink into depression. Which is great, and I get why he'd recommend me to try this out, but I just feel they aren't helping me. While despair is going around like crazy in my head, how can I stare at this pretty cat in front of me when in my head there are all these problems that need attention and need to be solved? I feel like I MUST attend to these problems, I MUST give them attention, otherwise it's like I'm "escaping" them. Sometimes I try to fight this desire by just trying to push them out of my head with the thought-stop techniques, but most of the time thus far I end up giving in to their desire to be fed attention. If I ignore the fact these are ISSUES, how will I ever resolve them?

Another thing I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with are guilt are shame. I read the chapters on overcoming these two emotions, but I am so disattached, and feel nothing applies to me. I don't want to overcome guilt, because if I overcome guilt, I feel like I'm "letting myself off the hook" or "not learning." I feel as if I don't have the guilt constantly of what I've done wrong before in the past (ie: break my first ex's heart), I'll just make the same errors again.

I read the stories on here about people who get lead on by their SOs, and the comments later on calling their SO a bitch, and how she deserves to get heart broken, etc etc. Then I remember pretty much being the "bitch" before in the situation. Leading a guy on for over a year, leaving him, dating a jerk almost immediately after, and then getting MY heart broken. If I hurt someone else, who am I to try to alleviate my feelings of hurt? I deserved the hurt. I deserved the heart break. Who am I to forget and forgive myself, when I know the person is probably still hurting over me (from what I heard, my first ex still isn't 100% over me)?

I know it seems like I'm making no progress, and I'm just inflicting all this unnecessary pain on myself. I know I am. I am fully aware of this. I am aware I am going around in circles, and that nothing I am doing is helping. But I do want to get better. I want this relationship to work. I want to have proper relationships in my life.

I feel even worse when I think about the fact that I'm not the best girlfriend, best friend, best daughter or even the best person I can be to MYSELF. I want to push everyone away from me, not let them deal with my misery while I'm so down and out of touch with myself, until I can be a better person to all who deserve it. How am I supposed to love someone if I can't even properly love myself? But then I get scared of loving myself, because at least being overly self-critical to myself, my flaws are out for me to see clearly. Meanwhile, if I love myself too much, I won't be as willing to look inside, look at my flaws, and be willing to work on myself.

My boyfriend deserves the best girlfriend he can get, and he is not getting it from me. I am too wrapped up in myself to give him the full love he deserves. I am aware he deserves the best he can get, so I try to provide him with this nonetheless. I try to spend time with him various times throughout the week, and I try to do nice things for him. But sometimes I feel insincere in my actions, and that I'm just doing them because I "should" be doing them, and not because I WANT to. How can I tell when I do something out of the goodness of my own heart, and not because it is expected of me?

I sleep next to him while my thoughts are running and my mind is in constant turmoil. He sleeps peacefully next to me, while I'm unable to do the same.

I don't want him to "fix" me, or even SEE him as someone to fix me. But I feel so bad overall.

I've been honest with him. I sat him down the other day and told him (without going into complete detail like so) that I'm Borderline, and that I struggle with my emotions. I told him I'm trying to work through it, but right now, I feel like I'm making no progress and I'm frustrated at this. And I especially made clear that I was constantly going back and forth with wanting to be with him and not wanting to be with him, and that this was absolute torture to me, because the last thing I want to do to him is hurt him in any way. I said that while I was fully aware this was all my doing and I was sabotaging everything on my own, I was still having a hard time trying to find something to make it stop or help me stop thinking that way. But that I was trying, I really was trying. Struggling, but god damn I really am trying. He was very understanding of this, more than I thought he'd be.

I actually got a bit mad, because when I got very serious and mentioned if it got too much for me to handle, I might potentially break up with him and go back to my original plan of working on myself (I told him when we first got together that I wasn't 100% ready for a relationship). You know his reaction to this was? He said he didn't mind, and that if I did, even if he wouldn't like it, he'd still care enough about me to give me the time and space I needed, and would most likely wait for me until I got myself sorted out.

I know this is the sweetest thing anyone can possibly say, but I raged inside. Wait for me? Why would he do this? How am I to know if I still wanted to be in a relationship with him if I DID ask for a break? So soon into the relationship, too? Why would he do this? How am I to know if I still want to be in a relationship with him if I DID ask for a break? How can be so sure of this so soon into the relationship? The better of a boyfriend he is to me, the more I feel as if I'm less deserving of him, because the better of a person that he is to me, the more he deserves, and the less I can provide him of what he deserves.

I constantly fear if I stay with him, I'm going to break his heart. The more he tells me he cares for me, the more fearful I get. I feel better when someone doesn't care for me as much, because then I feel like I'll have no potential to hurt them then. When he tells me certain things about him, I find myself constantly judging him or finding flaws in him that aren't even there. "He's weak. He's not confident. He doesn't actually sincerely care for me. He's just here for attention from a girl." I KNOW this to not be true, but if only my head would accept this too. I think back to my mistakes hurting someone before, and just can not let go of the thought of possibly repeating them with him, and hurting HIM, someone who deserves nothing but happiness in his life. I feel like I'm just that type of person, who can't appreciate people. I feel like the people that love me, and God forbid, fall in love with me, are just setting themselves up for heartbreak. I will break all their hearts. They are wasting their efforts on me.

Why, I feel as if my "best friend" dissapeared today, I'd get totally okay without them and wouldn't miss them. If anything, I'd reach out to them out of obligation to the "best friend duty" than anything else.

I'm so sorry for the long post, I'm just trying to get my head sorted out... Thanks to everyone who read this and can provide any feedback to help me figure myself out...

Edited November 28, 2012 by realchange93

November 28, 2012

Honestly, if you truly have BPD I would try and stay away from men altogether. Its a disorder characterized by manipulating people and you end up hurting others. I would focus your energy on getting help and treatment. However, few girls your age are capable of not dating so Id recommend dating a guy but not committing to him.

I am quite jealous of you by the way. I would love to have a boyfriend that would "do everything in the world for me" like you describe. I am much older than you and have dated a ton and have yet to find a man like that and it saddens me you are ruining the few good men left out there with your behavior.

November 28, 2012

Honestly, if you truly have BPD I would try and stay away from men altogether. Its a disorder characterized by manipulating people and you end up hurting others. I would focus your energy on getting help and treatment. However, few girls your age are capable of not dating so Id recommend dating a guy but not committing to him.

I am quite jealous of you by the way. I would love to have a boyfriend that would "do everything in the world for me" like you describe. I am much older than you and have dated a ton and have yet to find a man like that and it saddens me you are ruining the few good men left out there with your behavior.

I have met many people that have been diagnosed with BPD since I started treatment, and let me tell you the stigma surrounding it is very uninformed and very ignorant... Yes, there are the manipulative ones, my dad is also BPD (which I did not discover until very recently when we had a heart-to-heart). But most of the people like me I have met are some of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever met. Some BPD ARE narcissists, but not all of us, so please do not prematurely judge and think we are all "manipulative" and only "hurt others." I have hurt people, you have hurt people, and please do not think a diagnosis on this disorder automatically makes everyone with it "manipulative and hurtful." I'm still the same person I was before I got diagnosed.

It's this stigma that had me in despair when I got diagnosed with it. I thought I should DEFINITELY stay away from everyone then, and it's the closest I've ever come to contemplating suicide. But honestly speaking, I'm still the same person with the same problems and the same emotions I had before this diagnosis was made on me. I'm currently trying to get enrolled into a DBT group (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy), and this is a therapy that is focused on emotional regulation which is the core thing behind Borderline Personality Disorder. Being BPD isn't incurable, many people who undergo treatment for it stop showing symptoms as time passes and the treatment carries on.

Also keep in mind I'm only 19, so I'd say I've got my "disorder" by the reigns pretty early on before it causes ruckus and hurts more people than it should - like my father, at 50, who's the type of person you'd label as "manipulative and hurtful" with the amount of things he's ****ed up in his life, but guess what? even he changed. And he's a great father and husband now.

On the note of my boyfriend... I am a bit hurt you'd say I'm "ruining him", when it's quite the opposite of what I'm trying to do and the LAST THING I ever want to do to him...

November 28, 2012

Sorry I offended you. But you stated many times in different ways you cannot give your boyfriend what he needs even though he does alot for you. That kind of relationship is not healthy or good for him.

This doesnt define your worth as a person or make you bad. Mental illness does not define a person and many can overcome it. But you have to admit- is it fair to the guy youre seeing? If this were the opposite and a man was here posting "im unstable and cannot give everything my gf needs to her, but shes so awesome" Id be saying the same thing. Dont ever kill yourself over mental illness nothing is worth suicide. But emotional regulation is a core part of a healthy relationship. Some out there can deal with others with mental illness thats more severe but its very very hard

I would say in general, mental health issues make dating difficult. I had a bout with one when I was younger and now being older and wiser and looking back, it makes more sense to focus on yourself when youre like this. I also have been on the other side and dated a man with severe depression...I gave and gave and he gave nothing back. Its hard not to give up on someone who does this to you

By the way, perhaps you should look around here. There are several good guys here that have dated women that acted this way towards them and they post bitter despair hateful things about women and I cant say I blame them

Edited November 28, 2012 by pbjbear

November 28, 2012

Sorry I offended you. But you stated many times in different ways you cannot give your boyfriend what he needs even though he does alot for you. That kind of relationship is not healthy or good for him.

This doesnt define your worth as a person or make you bad. Mental illness does not define a person and many can overcome it. But you have to admit- is it fair to the guy youre seeing? If this were the opposite and a man was here posting "im unstable and cannot give everything my gf needs to her, but shes so awesome" Id be saying the same thing. Dont ever kill yourself over mental illness nothing is worth suicide. But emotional regulation is a core part of a healthy relationship.

I would say in general, mental health issues make dating difficult. I had a bout with one when I was younger and now being older and wiser and looking back, it makes more sense to focus on yourself when youre like this.

I understand 100% why you would say this, I feel this a lot of the time, that it is unfair for him. This is why I have tried communicating this with him. But like I mentioned, he is very understanding, and is willing to give me the space and time. Hell, I even offered to break up, and warned him I might be left to this option if I feel it gets too overwhelming for me, and he said he'd wait for me!! Makes me so mad, because I can't be the girlfriend he deserves, but I'm trying my damn hardest to be.

I know mental illnesses make dating difficult, I am living it lol. And of course it makes more "logical" sense to focus on yourself, and like I said, this was my original plan. But he came along, I felt a connection with him I hadn't with anyone else, and although I knew I wasn't 100% ready, I couldn't just let him pass like that... Guys like that don't come along every day.

November 28, 2012

By the way, perhaps you should look around here. There are several good guys here that have dated women that acted this way towards them and they post bitter despair hateful things about women and I cant say I blame them

Sounds like you are telling me that I'm just doomed and should not even try, because I'll end up damaging my boyfriend beyond repair...

November 28, 2012

Sounds like you are telling me that I'm just doomed and should not even try, because I'll end up damaging my boyfriend beyond repair...

It would be wise not to date at all perhaps..

That's not to say that you can't date in the future. But like you say, you are not in a good place right now and even you are afraid of hurting him.

November 28, 2012

I had a long-term relationship with a woman who had BPD. She was very intelligent and educated, completely aware of the condition and informed me as well...at the time I didn't know what it was or thought it was a big deal. I'm also a knowledgeable guy, with a good deal of relationship experience and great deal of common sense/problem solver type.

It didn't do us much good in our relationship, it became really destructive, and she'd lose control and lash out emotionally and sabotage the relationship all of the time. Erratic mood swings, she'd just wake up pissed some day and stay that way the whole day...other times she was ok as long as she was doing something addictive.

The relationship mainly survived due to a heavy amount of sex...the sex was great of course, because we were both intense, passionate people. But then she'd flip out, she'd yell at me, we'd fight because I'm no pushover and was an @ss myself, and then we'd have angry rage sex and do it all over again...well until that stopped working.

The fighting got worse and more intense...she was always looking to push the limits of what I'd put up with. I knew she was trying to trigger a reaction out of me but I'd see it coming and give her the opposite, which just pissed her off even more and meant she'd try something even crazier.

It got really really bad, and eventually I left. I tried to be there, caring, understanding, to help her deal with her issues but I was young like your BF and had never met anyone with BPD or Bipolar disorder. After that experience though I have a whole other perspective, I used to think it was just odd and people were "crazy" when they reacted emotionally and erratically and looking back she should have been on medication...well she did she just of course "felt like she didn't need it anymore" so she stopped taking it, plus she never did find a therapist that understood her well and she gave up on it.

My advice to you is that you're too young to have a relationship at this time, with your issues not under control. You're going to confuse a lot of guys and like my ex...who dated a "nice" guy before me, she dragged him through the dirt and poor guy was in love with her and didn't even realize what was happening (sounds like your current guy), and then she met me, who was a cocky, confident, jerk that didn't like to be controlled, knew how to push her buttons and had a love for the drama, intensity, emotion and passion himself, especially when it lead to great sex. But when we weren't having sex we were fighting, so we always used sex as a crutch in the relationship because everything felt perfect and right during that small time, but then it just felt really hurtful and bad to have so much drama outside of that.

There was a lot more to it than I've mentioned in this post, the difference between your relationship now and mine was I was the one always trying to leave, so she never had to leave me...she played that game with her ex though. But as far as many other things you've mentioned there are similarities, of course my theory from talking to other people with BPD as well as they always have some other elements associated with it, like insecurity, abandonment issues and that can vary...but mostly on the exterior they came off as nice, friendly sweet, loving and caring people, which my ex was...she wasn't a bad person at all, one of the best women I've been with, she had a lot to offer...I thought I could beat out BPD, but I could't...I did tons of research, tried different strategies of communication and ways to fix our relationship...In the end I was so numb and battered by everything that it took me a whole year or so just to reset back to "normal" mode, because she affected my life so much that I became a different person in that relationship, it was like being in a war for me with emotions.

She's doing a lot better now, she's much older you than you though and it took her many years. I think after our relationship she really worked on herself after rebounding and failing again, finally got herself together and put herself in an environment where she could control things and feel safe, because she was great in everything but relationships.

You have to learn your triggers and issues, right now they'll take over you and you'll cause a lot of problems in relationships. I think you should date, or have a FWB, but it's too risky to get into a serious relationship right now.

I think your issues will become overwhelming, then you'll get stuck and consumed by your elevated emotions in that relationship (which is exactly what you want whether you realize that or not) and then you'll light it on fire and watch it burn to the ground.

November 28, 2012

I had a long-term relationship with a woman who had BPD. She was very intelligent and educated, completely aware of the condition and informed me as well...at the time I didn't know what it was or thought it was a big deal. I'm also a knowledgeable guy, with a good deal of relationship experience and great deal of common sense/problem solver type.

It didn't do us much good in our relationship, it became really destructive, and she'd lose control and lash out emotionally and sabotage the relationship all of the time. Erratic mood swings, she'd just wake up pissed some day and stay that way the whole day...other times she was ok as long as she was doing something addictive.

The relationship mainly survived due to a heavy amount of sex...the sex was great of course, because we were both intense, passionate people. But then she'd flip out, she'd yell at me, we'd fight because I'm no pushover and was an @ss myself, and then we'd have angry rage sex and do it all over again...well until that stopped working.

The fighting got worse and more intense...she was always looking to push the limits of what I'd put up with. I knew she was trying to trigger a reaction out of me but I'd see it coming and give her the opposite, which just pissed her off even more and meant she'd try something even crazier.

It got really really bad, and eventually I left. I tried to be there, caring, understanding, to help her deal with her issues but I was young like your BF and had never met anyone with BPD or Bipolar disorder. After that experience though I have a whole other perspective, I used to think it was just odd and people were "crazy" when they reacted emotionally and erratically and looking back she should have been on medication...well she did she just of course "felt like she didn't need it anymore" so she stopped taking it, plus she never did find a therapist that understood her well and she gave up on it.

My advice to you is that you're too young to have a relationship at this time, with your issues not under control. You're going to confuse a lot of guys and like my ex...who dated a "nice" guy before me, she dragged him through the dirt and poor guy was in love with her and didn't even realize what was happening (sounds like your current guy), and then she met me, who was a cocky, confident, jerk that didn't like to be controlled, knew how to push her buttons and had a love for the drama, intensity, emotion and passion himself, especially when it lead to great sex. But when we weren't having sex we were fighting, so we always used sex as a crutch in the relationship because everything felt perfect and right during that small time, but then it just felt really hurtful and bad to have so much drama outside of that.

There was a lot more to it than I've mentioned in this post, the difference between your relationship now and mine was I was the one always trying to leave, so she never had to leave me...she played that game with her ex though. But as far as many other things you've mentioned there are similarities, of course my theory from talking to other people with BPD as well as they always have some other elements associated with it, like insecurity, abandonment issues and that can vary...but mostly on the exterior they came off as nice, friendly sweet, loving and caring people, which my ex was...she wasn't a bad person at all, one of the best women I've been with, she had a lot to offer...I thought I could beat out BPD, but I could't...I did tons of research, tried different strategies of communication and ways to fix our relationship...In the end I was so numb and battered by everything that it took me a whole year or so just to reset back to "normal" mode, because she affected my life so much that I became a different person in that relationship, it was like being in a war for me with emotions.

She's doing a lot better now, she's much older you than you though and it took her many years. I think after our relationship she really worked on herself after rebounding and failing again, finally got herself together and put herself in an environment where she could control things and feel safe, because she was great in everything but relationships.

You have to learn your triggers and issues, right now they'll take over you and you'll cause a lot of problems in relationships. I think you should date, or have a FWB, but it's too risky to get into a serious relationship right now.

I think your issues will become overwhelming, then you'll get stuck and consumed by your elevated emotions in that relationship (which is exactly what you want whether you realize that or not) and then you'll light it on fire and watch it burn to the ground.

Thank you for your post. The one thing I will disagree with, though, is comparing me to dragging a guy "through the dirt" and saying that's what my current bf sounds like... he is not a complete idiot or pushover. I'm not 100% recovered, but I am very aware of when I do potentially hurtful things, and he is too. I could never have the heart to "drag someone through the dirt", I really do care too much about how my actions and behaviours can affect the others around me... And there's no way this would ever happen to him (and to be honest, I don't see him as the type of person to be pushover enough to let me do that to him - yes, he's super into me, but he's been hurt before and understands that emotions aren't everything).

November 28, 2012

I'm a bit dissapointed in the replies in this thread... yes, people, I already covered the fact that yes, I realize I'm not 100% in the state for a relationship... however, I made the decision to carry on and try my hardest nonetheless. If anything, being with my boyfriend right now gives me more motivation and drive to keep trying.

Less replies about how I should walk away would be nice. I don't want to give up that easily, and neither does my boyfriend...

November 28, 2012

I'm a bit dissapointed in the replies in this thread... yes, people, I already covered the fact that yes, I realize I'm not 100% in the state for a relationship... however, I made the decision to carry on and try my hardest nonetheless. If anything, being with my boyfriend right now gives me more motivation and drive to keep trying.

Less replies about how I should walk away would be nice. I don't want to give up that easily, and neither does my boyfriend...

Well one of the signs of BPD is that you need to be in a relationship to have a sense of self. So of course you're going to want to stay in that relationshp. Otherwise the emptiness eats you.

I don't think advice ever helps with BPD anyway. Every improvement you might make will have to be of your own doing.

November 28, 2012

Thank you for your post. The one thing I will disagree with, though, is comparing me to dragging a guy "through the dirt" and saying that's what my current bf sounds like... he is not a complete idiot or pushover. I'm not 100% recovered, but I am very aware of when I do potentially hurtful things, and he is too. I could never have the heart to "drag someone through the dirt", I really do care too much about how my actions and behaviours can affect the others around me... And there's no way this would ever happen to him (and to be honest, I don't see him as the type of person to be pushover enough to let me do that to him - yes, he's super into me, but he's been hurt before and understands that emotions aren't everything).

Well to be fair that is my perspective and wording of it, I'm not sure he felt that way either because they still were stayed in contact after the relationship. She was completely sabotaging the relationship time and time again, I'm not sure if he ever realized why or what his perspective on it was, but I think he was confused, he tried for a while to make it work as it was on and off again for the long-term. She said she was just a b!tch to me him a lot and she doesn't know why he put up with it.

You do seem aware and accepting as well, at least from what I can tell, but it's always the things that you don't know that really blindside you and aren't expecting. For her she tried to stop it but she couldn't and it just became progressively worse, also the emotions between us were much more intense because I was an intense guy myself, so I also perpetuated the issues...because we both fought back and forth for control. While the other relationship for her seemed more supportive and like she was in control. We really fell into the emotional state far and fast, with her ex it was more under control she said emotionally, it wasn't as overwhelming.

Just realize that you're only 19, most of it is going to be figured out the hard way. I thought I knew what I was doing in my early 20's, and so did she, we were both intelligent and talked about things to death, we a lot of strong communication as I'm a communicative and expressive guy and she was a bit more difficult to open up but she did, I always felt like she was playing "games" but realized she wasn't in control. But we just didn't have the experience and the knowledge that just came with time and experience, growing up and understanding ourselves, I don't blame either of us, I don't think we could have done any better at our age.

The other problem is this throws off the dynamic in a relationship so much that by the time you work through all these issues how much have you realistically assessed with your relationship because it's been all about you and your problems? that leads the relationship seeming like it would be perfect without them...which is also unrealistic, that's just a skewed perception as well.

I'll tell you one thing for sure though, you're going to surprise yourself if you think you know exactly what to expect, don't set yourself up to be surprised, don't be overconfident and think you have too much control, that's when you get the rug swept from out under you.

You're only 19, solutions can idealized much and seem too simple and the challenges seem like just speed bumps. And before you know it, you're in a place you didn't even notice you were in emotionally and in the relationship, you get this blindness in relationships that prevent your from seeing everything.

I'm a bit dissapointed in the replies in this thread... yes, people, I already covered the fact that yes, I realize I'm not 100% in the state for a relationship... however, I made the decision to carry on and try my hardest nonetheless. If anything, being with my boyfriend right now gives me more motivation and drive to keep trying.

Less replies about how I should walk away would be nice. I don't want to give up that easily, and neither does my boyfriend...

You'll see...AlexDP is right about the emptiness.

Edited November 28, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

November 28, 2012

I was in a four + year relationship with a girl, who I thought had body(she certainly had other mental illnesses...) I would make such an effort to express my care to her, do for her, it nearly drove me insane...dealing with her lack of care(rather emotionless) She would daily do things to torment me...ended up she cheated. Just void of care and very selfish...But that is her, she had no control.

I think you should work on gaining control, but if you feel like you are gonna hurt someone then let them go(I mean if you utterly feel like you will emotionally hurt your lover...) you seem to care, given your post length: I am no expert...just dealt with a girl I was for certain had body(other illnesses...) ended up being hell due to her lack of control...but if you have control enough just strive and see.

November 28, 2012

OP, there is a lot of information posted on BPD by a poster called 'Downtown', he can be found mainly in the Coping, Break Up or Abuse section. You can search for his threads by his username. His ex wife has BPD, I also had a relationship with a BPD sufferer just like Ninja.

I'd add that in my opinion you are too young to be diagnosed as a lot of teenagers display the emotional instability/lack of regulation that characterises BPD. I know diagnoses is made from 18 onwards but I think it should be left to about 21 as a rough guide. Please bear in mind that you may not have it, it could be just a natural development you are growing through.

November 28, 2012

OP, there is a lot of information posted on BPD by a poster called 'Downtown', he can be found mainly in the Coping, Break Up or Abuse section. You can search for his threads by his username. His ex wife has BPD, I also had a relationship with a BPD sufferer just like Ninja.

I'd add that in my opinion you are too young to be diagnosed as a lot of teenagers display the emotional instability/lack of regulation that characterises BPD. I know diagnoses is made from 18 onwards but I think it should be left to about 21 as a rough guide. Please bear in mind that you may not have it, it could be just a natural development you are growing through.

The label doesn't matter. The emptiness, the insecurity, the behaviour.. They matter. Whether or not it is BPD is largely irrelevant. In any case it means that she is not capable of having a healthy relationship right now.

November 28, 2012

Thank you for your post. The one thing I will disagree with, though, is comparing me to dragging a guy "through the dirt" and saying that's what my current bf sounds like... he is not a complete idiot or pushover. I'm not 100% recovered, but I am very aware of when I do potentially hurtful things, and he is too. I could never have the heart to "drag someone through the dirt", I really do care too much about how my actions and behaviours can affect the others around me... And there's no way this would ever happen to him (and to be honest, I don't see him as the type of person to be pushover enough to let me do that to him - yes, he's super into me, but he's been hurt before and understands that emotions aren't everything).

If he wants to be understanding and continue, then by all means keep seeing him. But unless you get help you should keep in the back of your mind he has a high possibility of getting sick of it and leaving.

Im not saying you are damaging your boyfriend beyond repair. What I said was to shed light about how dating someone with mental health issues can damage the person.

After I got out of the relationship with the guy with severe depression, for the next 6 months I was convinced most guys were moody, irrational and unappreciative. It had a negative effect on me and I had good intentions going in. I was understanding and supportive, didnt get mad when he went on antidepressents and it affected his sex drive, gave him everything and he only had bits and pieces of giving back to me. It is hard to not have stuff like this cloud your judgment when you really like a person and they lash out at you constantly.

November 28, 2012

I feel like I'm completely sabotaging my relationship, and it's all my own fault. So sorry for the long read, I just wanted to lay it all bare!

I've posted about this before, but it's really hard for me to post my feelings and thoughts on something when they fluctuate so much, so I'll try to let it all out while I'm in this "state". Let me give some brief overview on the situation...

Now, let me tell you straight off the bat, my boyfriend is the sweetest and most amazing person I have ever met. He cares deeply for me, and treats me in ways no one ever has. He's had one previous long-term girlfriend, and they were together for 4 years, and they broke up over 2 years ago. I'm the first girl he's been with since her, and the second girl (besides her) he's ever slept with. The sex we have is AMAZING. I have also only had sex with one other person, but it was with someone who left me a week later. Which brings me to my worries and what is causing me to sabotage everything in this relationship...

He does sound like a wonderful, caring, loving man, which seems to be more and more rare in this day.

I'm 19 years old, and my boyfriend is 22 years old. I've recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am, to put it simply, completely emotionally unstable.

Don't worry. My sister and Dad are bipolar. They both have had very difficult times with their emotions, but they both are doing fine now, which makes me and all who love them very happy!!! However, both are taking medicine that helps them. My sister also has greatly benefited from counseling, as well as the people who love her constantly showing her they care for her and her happiness.

Let me delve a little into my (rather minor) relationship history. My first relationship started when I was 17. I dated a guy, K, that I'd been good friends with for 2+ years. He was 22, and I was 17 when we dated. I was his first serious relationship, and before me he hadn't had any previous relationships. He loved me in ways similar to my current bf. He did the world for me, treated me amazingly well, etc etc. We dated for 1.5 years, and our breakup was ridiculously messy. I broke his heart into a million pieces. You know those stories you read on this forum about the immature girl who sticks with the guy to feel better about herself, drags him from end to end, breaks his heart constantly, asks for him back, and then dumps him again? Yeah, that was me.

Why did you break up with him? Were y'all having problems with communicating and anger management?

Anyway, **** really hit the fan when two weeks after breaking up with my ex, I met another guy who I instantly fell for. This guy was 25 years old, and I was 18. Yes, I know, what in the world would a 25 year old want to do with an 18 year old besides easy sex? Well, he got exactly that - yes, I was a virgin, I hadn't even slept with my long term bf after 1.5 years, but I gave it up after 2 months with a new guy. I fell CRAZY for this guy, and in falling for this guy I realized how not into my ex I had been for a year+. Long story short, the guy was pretty manipulative and emotionally abusive, and a week after I gave it up, he kicked me to the curb to never talk to me again.

I'm sorry about that. There are many jerks in the world, sad to say.

I thought I deserved that to happen to me. I didn't even bother trying to "lift myself up" and move on with my life - I just let despair rule over me, thinking it was my punishment and karma for how I broke my ex-boyfriend's heart. I hit a deep depression, and although I had a few "friends with benefits" (but never full-sex), it was all empty and nothing that fulfilled me in any way. I told myself I'd be single until I figured my **** out, because clearly I was way too depressed and I had no idea what I wanted, and who was I to impose myself on someone else in the state I was?

Depression seems to hurt people more. I hope you didn't stay in the depths of despair for long.

Then about two months ago I met my boyfriend. I don't know, something just HAPPENED with him. Even knowing I wasn't in the state to handle a proper relationship, I knew I'd regret it if I didn't give it a chance, especially with such a good guy, so I took the leap of faith and ended up with my now-boyfriend.

I thought the "honeymoon period" was supposed to be worry less and blissful, but it's been nothing like that for me!

Although I've recently started therapy, I'm having a hard time with it. I've gone through three therapists thus far, and I feel absolutely no "connection" with any of them. They don't GET me, and who will get me? I speak illogically, and I make no sense in what I think and what I feel. I worry over the dumbest and most trivial things. I started therapy because my parents urged me to, and initially I was positive towards it, but now I'm just starting to think I'm just immature and I have no issues, and it's all my fault and I should just deal with it like everyone else deals with their own issues, because I'm making a big deal out of nothing 99% of the time. I'm 19, ffs. This shouldn't be a big deal. Meanwhile, I'm sure most of the posters here are older, wiser and have much bigger problems than mine. I feel like I'm just "growing up" and this is part of my learning, and I should just let it run its course instead of trying to inhibit it. I feel I should "let go" of these worries, allow me to make the mistakes I'm trying to avoid myself from doing, and that getting hurt and ****ing up this relationship is something I can't avoid, and I should just let myself **** things up and hopefully "learn from it."

Do you have calming exercises you can do? Do you like yoga? Do you like just listening to music that you enjoy and resting a bit? I think that would help. It's natural to have thoughts and fears fighting in your brain, but it's important to learn how to control your thoughts and how to focus on the positive, instead of all the negatives that can swarm and attack one's happiness and peace.

This causes me jumping around in my head and trying to find ways to deal with the misery. I know I said I wanted to take a chance with him, despite not being "fixed", but I'm finding it terrible. I've even found myself trying to find excuses to leave him. I can't cope, and I don't want him to know just how bad I'm doing. Yeah, he'd care, but what type of relationship is it if my feelings are being babysat by my boyfriend two months into it? He's not my parent. He's supposed to my boyfriend. My equal. And I feel so inadequate of him, because of how badly I struggle with my head and emotions, and how much he does not.

Ok, this is one of the biggest issues. Sadly, many women go through this- thinking they are not worthy of love, especially if they have made mistakes in the past. That is a downright mean lie. If you think you are inadequate of a wonderful man loving you, that's a lie. The past is the past. You need to forgive yourself for the past, recognize it's water under the bridge, and enjoy the present. Focus on the positives about yourself and grow. Improve what you would like to improve about yourself. Having a good attitude helps one improve and enjoy life, whereas wallowing in the pit of despair and thinking you don't deserve happiness just hurts you and people who love you. I bet your boyfriend wants you to be happy, not sad and miserable. I bet your parents want you to be happy, not sad and miserable. Please decide to focus on the positives and to let the past be the past. Enjoy the beauty of every moment, k?

My current therapist is trying to help me out with my mental turmoil. He's recommended me a few books and has taught me new "techniques" on dealing with my depression. Mostly things like mindfulness and trying to lessen my worries. I am having an extremely hard time with this. He's trying to emphasize to me to "stay in the moment" and "not worry about the future or the past." I've bought all the books he's recommended, and I'm trying to read them and soak in what they're saying, but I just CAN'T apply or understand anything the text says to myself, no matter how hard I try. The techniques he gives me for homework are about trying to distract myself and not let myself sink into depression. Which is great, and I get why he'd recommend me to try this out, but I just feel they aren't helping me.

Are you truly giving them a shot? Doubting techniques don't help one succeed. For example, my hubby and I go to the gym. I have weights I have to lift in order to tone my muscles. It can be painful, which I like to complain about and send thoroughly agonizing expressions to my hubby so he knows how I feel about these weights. However, I don't doubt that those weights and the pain I go through in lifting them is going to give me a more toned body. I know that they will help, and I see the results in my body. That's the same with techniques for relaxation and enjoying the moment. If you doubt them, your mind is not going to be as prepared to benefit from them because you're not going to want to try them.

While despair is going around like crazy in my head, how can I stare at this pretty cat in front of me when in my head there are all these problems that need attention and need to be solved?

It's a mental exercise to decide to focus on the "pretty cat." I love animals, and yeah to me focusing on the beauty of animals, as well as flowers, is great and helps me enjoy the moment. Some people do that naturally, and some have to learn it. You can focus on the pretty cat if you decide to analyze the cat with a positive perspective.

You can decide to ask yourself questions about the cat like,

"What is my favorite thing about cats?"

"What can cats do that are difficult/impossible for me to do?"

"What is a movie I have seen that has a cat in it?

Now, what I think is that you don't feel the need to ask yourself anything or enjoy beauty, but that's where the issue lies. Once you are able to concentrate on enjoying the beauty around you, that will help you solve your problems that you feel are much more important.

I feel like I MUST attend to these problems, I MUST give them attention, otherwise it's like I'm "escaping" them.

Problems tend to get smaller when a person enjoys humor and beauty in order to "tackle" them. So, when you have grown in enjoying humor and beauty around you, that can help you with the problems you face in your brain.

Sometimes I try to fight this desire by just trying to push them out of my head with the thought-stop techniques, but most of the time thus far I end up giving in to their desire to be fed attention. If I ignore the fact these are ISSUES, how will I ever resolve them?

Much of resolving issues includes the blatant decision to focus on positivity. Many problems are actually the cause of negativity, not positivity.

Another thing I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with are guilt are shame. I read the chapters on overcoming these two emotions, but I am so disattached, and feel nothing applies to me. I don't want to overcome guilt, because if I overcome guilt, I feel like I'm "letting myself off the hook" or "not learning." I feel as if I don't have the guilt constantly of what I've done wrong before in the past (ie: break my first ex's heart), I'll just make the same errors again.

If you don't forgive yourself, eventually you're going to hurt your boyfriend. You need to forgive yourself because that helps you truly love.

I read the stories on here about people who get lead on by their SOs, and the comments later on calling their SO a bitch, and how she deserves to get heart broken, etc etc. Then I remember pretty much being the "bitch" before in the situation. Leading a guy on for over a year, leaving him, dating a jerk almost immediately after, and then getting MY heart broken. If I hurt someone else, who am I to try to alleviate my feelings of hurt? I deserved the hurt. I deserved the heart break. Who am I to forget and forgive myself, when I know the person is probably still hurting over me (from what I heard, my first ex still isn't 100% over me)?

The past is the past. We can't keep holding on to negative issues in the past because that will poison our present and future. Please let the past go. This will help you be a wonderful girlfriend and will also help you enjoy life. Life is too short to spend in bitterness and mental anguish over one's own mistakes or other people's mistakes. Please forgive yourself and strive to train your mind to think positively. It will help you enjoy life and understand that you are worthy. Everyone makes mistakes. You and I both have made mistakes. However, we are both worthy of love and have the ability to give love.

I know it seems like I'm making no progress, and I'm just inflicting all this unnecessary pain on myself. I know I am. I am fully aware of this. I am aware I am going around in circles, and that nothing I am doing is helping. But I do want to get better. I want this relationship to work. I want to have proper relationships in my life.

I feel even worse when I think about the fact that I'm not the best girlfriend, best friend, best daughter or even the best person I can be to MYSELF. I want to push everyone away from me, not let them deal with my misery while I'm so down and out of touch with myself, until I can be a better person to all who deserve it. How am I supposed to love someone if I can't even properly love myself? But then I get scared of loving myself, because at least being overly self-critical to myself, my flaws are out for me to see clearly. Meanwhile, if I love myself too much, I won't be as willing to look inside, look at my flaws, and be willing to work on myself.

A part of working on oneself and learning from one's mistakes is to forgive and to let go of the past, and to concentrate on the present and future and the positives that you want to grow.

My boyfriend deserves the best girlfriend he can get, and he is not getting it from me. I am too wrapped up in myself to give him the full love he deserves. I am aware he deserves the best he can get, so I try to provide him with this nonetheless. I try to spend time with him various times throughout the week, and I try to do nice things for him. But sometimes I feel insincere in my actions, and that I'm just doing them because I "should" be doing them, and not because I WANT to. How can I tell when I do something out of the goodness of my own heart, and not because it is expected of me?

You can tell if something comes from your heart by deciding, "This is from my heart." Decisions are what we do all the time. For example, I know I want to wear what I chose to wear for that day, and yes it's from my heart. I decided it. When you do something nice for anyone because you decide to do it, it is from your heart. Now, if someone told you, "Make your bed." and you do it not because you want to but because you were told to do so, then that action is not from your heart. You're only obeying the order. However, if someone doesn't tell you "Make your bed." yet you make your bed because you want to and nobody told you to, then that decision to make your bed is from your heart.

I sleep next to him while my thoughts are running and my mind is in constant turmoil. He sleeps peacefully next to me, while I'm unable to do the same.

I personally think you are torturing yourself because you feel you deserve it. What is it going to take to show you that torturing yourself is actually hurting you and him? Please recognize that torturing yourself is destructive, like burning yourself on purpose. Please stop hurting yourself and please start deciding to forgive yourself, let the past go, and enjoy life.

I don't want him to "fix" me, or even SEE him as someone to fix me. But I feel so bad overall.

Nobody can fix you. It's you who can decide to heal.

I've been honest with him. I sat him down the other day and told him (without going into complete detail like so) that I'm Borderline, and that I struggle with my emotions. I told him I'm trying to work through it, but right now, I feel like I'm making no progress and I'm frustrated at this. And I especially made clear that I was constantly going back and forth with wanting to be with him and not wanting to be with him, and that this was absolute torture to me, because the last thing I want to do to him is hurt him in any way. I said that while I was fully aware this was all my doing and I was sabotaging everything on my own, I was still having a hard time trying to find something to make it stop or help me stop thinking that way. But that I was trying, I really was trying. Struggling, but god damn I really am trying. He was very understanding of this, more than I thought he'd be.

I actually got a bit mad, because when I got very serious and mentioned if it got too much for me to handle, I might potentially break up with him and go back to my original plan of working on myself (I told him when we first got together that I wasn't 100% ready for a relationship). You know his reaction to this was? He said he didn't mind, and that if I did, even if he wouldn't like it, he'd still care enough about me to give me the time and space I needed, and would most likely wait for me until I got myself sorted out.

I know this is the sweetest thing anyone can possibly say, but I raged inside. Wait for me? Why would he do this?

Men wait for women they love, same as women wait for men they love. For example, a woman who truly loves a man will wait for him, even if he's in the army and goes away for years. If she truly loves him and knows he is still alive, she will wait. I think your boyfriend sees you as going through something and is willing to wait for you because he cares/loves you.

How am I to know if I still wanted to be in a relationship with him if I DID ask for a break? So soon into the relationship, too? Why would he do this? How am I to know if I still want to be in a relationship with him if I DID ask for a break? How can be so sure of this so soon into the relationship? The better of a boyfriend he is to me, the more I feel as if I'm less deserving of him, because the better of a person that he is to me, the more he deserves, and the less I can provide him of what he deserves.

This is more of the torture you have become an expert in inflicting on yourself. Please, let the past go. Please, forgive yourself. Don't cut yourself anymore. Heal, please.

I constantly fear if I stay with him, I'm going to break his heart.

Love involves risk. Love involves vulnerability. I'm sure he understands that. You could get your heart broken too. Love is an equal opportunity risk.

The more he tells me he cares for me, the more fearful I get. I feel better when someone doesn't care for me as much, because then I feel like I'll have no potential to hurt them then. When he tells me certain things about him, I find myself constantly judging him or finding flaws in him that aren't even there. "He's weak. He's not confident. He doesn't actually sincerely care for me. He's just here for attention from a girl." I KNOW this to not be true, but if only my head would accept this too. I think back to my mistakes hurting someone before, and just can not let go of the thought of possibly repeating them with him, and hurting HIM, someone who deserves nothing but happiness in his life. I feel like I'm just that type of person, who can't appreciate people. I feel like the people that love me, and God forbid, fall in love with me, are just setting themselves up for heartbreak. I will break all their hearts. They are wasting their efforts on me.

Why, I feel as if my "best friend" dissapeared today, I'd get totally okay without them and wouldn't miss them. If anything, I'd reach out to them out of obligation to the "best friend duty" than anything else.

I'm so sorry for the long post, I'm just trying to get my head sorted out... Thanks to everyone who read this and can provide any feedback to help me figure myself out...

I think you are trying to figure out who you are, really. However, people are what they decide to be. In my opinion, a good idea would be to write down who you (not anyone else but you) want you to be. What are your goals for life?

For example, the following is who I want to be and who I decide (not anybody else but me) do be:

A lady who loves God, my husband, family, friends, and those in need, who loves animals, flowers, the earth, who is learning how to cook, who enjoys having fun, working out, and learning about different things, who is growing in her career, who wants to help other people, ...

So, I am - a Christian, a loving wife, daughter, sister, cousin, friend, helper, caregiver, steward, cook, student, worker, a blessing. Now, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes everyday. However, with a positive outlook, I am growing and learning from my mistakes. I don't dwell on them. Rather, I dwell on what is positive because that is what helps me grow and be who I want to be.

Now, I encourage you to write down who you want to be, and decide that this is what you are, working toward that goal. Please forgive yourself of the past. I have. I have forgiven myself for the mistakes I have made in my past, and that is what has helped me be who I am today.

Please, don't torture yourself anymore. Don't emotionally cut yourself with the emotional knife of thinking you are not worthy of love. Please, forgive yourself, let the past go, like water that runs under the bridge. Decide who you want to be, focus on the positive, train your brain to be positive, and live life in abundance!!! HUGS!!!

November 28, 2012

Wow, your post describes most of what I feel when I am in a relationship. I suspect I have mild BPD, altough I never stuck enough with therapy to get diagnosed. I tried a number of therapists and none got me, so I stopped.

I am great and stable in all other areas of my life: work, school, friendship, even casual dating. I can't handle close romantic relationships. I also used to lie in bed, while my ex slept peacefully and had conflicting thoughts of ending it/not ending it. I dumped my ex number of times and asked him back. He ended up being the one walking away at the end. I lost my focus in everything else in my life during the relationship, as conflicting emotions were too overwhelming to handle. They ruled my life. I tested how much he loved me constantly. I pushed him more and more. I liked it when he begged me and cried not to leave him. In my mind, this was a sign that he really cared. Mind you, he was no angel either but I have to own up to my part. I was aware of my issues 100% and all the time. Still didn't help though as I was unable to control my emotional impulses at all.

Unfortunately, I also think that you can't handle your relationship with the current state of mind. I have done a lot of research into BPD and the most effective form of therapy is group DBT. Try to get into it ASAP. It's perhaps your only shot in saving this relationship. Don't worry too much if you don't. There will be many other guys (even if you don't feel like it now).

I am currently staying away from serious relationships. I need my romantic fix though, so I date number of men and have flings and FWBs. I never get too deep with anyone though. I need to fix my issues first - I am also on a waiting list to get into group DBT. I don't have a formal BPD diagnosis so I am not a priority in getting treatment. I imagine it's much easier for you with the diagnosis.

Are you aware what triggered your BPD? I had a traumatic incident during my teen years that I feel is the culprit.

November 28, 2012

The first thing the OP and others need to remember is that so called "personality disorders" are nothing but a way that psychoanalyst think about a compelx set of emotions and behaviors. They vote on them and define them in a little book called the DSM every so often. In fact they are getting rid of them in the latest version of the DSM, the DSM V.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201112/borderline-personality-disorder-big-changes-in-the-dsm-5

So don't take the label to heart.

Many people on this thread would benefit from reading things like this.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201110/what-borderlines-and-narcissists-fear-most-part

In brief Borderline personality and Narciscistic personality are kind of a pairing that occurs naturally. The classic trope is a BPD woman who gets involved with an NPD man. The BPD is attracted to how sure the NPD is of himself. His overwhelming narcicism allows him to try and control the BPD while not caring about them that much. While the BPD alternately idolizes and then devalues the NPD. Thus for a time they both get just what they think they want.

However it is a dysfunctional pairing. Neither person gets real love and affection. The BPD gets her need for external control met the NPD gets his need for a pathological amount of praise met.

I have read about this much because I am sure I've been involved with both kinds of person at some point. It has been said in the past that being transgendered comes with traits that are like BPD or NPD in some ways.

November 28, 2012

If he wants to be understanding and continue, then by all means keep seeing him. But unless you get help you should keep in the back of your mind he has a high possibility of getting sick of it and leaving.

Im not saying you are damaging your boyfriend beyond repair. What I said was to shed light about how dating someone with mental health issues can damage the person.

After I got out of the relationship with the guy with severe depression, for the next 6 months I was convinced most guys were moody, irrational and unappreciative. It had a negative effect on me and I had good intentions going in. I was understanding and supportive, didnt get mad when he went on antidepressents and it affected his sex drive, gave him everything and he only had bits and pieces of giving back to me. It is hard to not have stuff like this cloud your judgment when you really like a person and they lash out at you constantly.

How can you ask me to get help when I already MENTIONED like 200 times I'm already in therapy AND I'm attempting to get into DBT? (so yes Eternal Sunshine, I'm on my way there)

BetheButterfly, thank you very much for your post, it gives a lot of insight into what I am feeling. I will definitely be reading it over and over again. You are very right in the forgiveness aspect, it's just I find it very hard to forgive myself. am I supposed to "work through" my negative thoughts or am I supposed to just ignore them? This is where I have trouble applying the techniques my therapist has been trying to help me with.

As to everyone else... thanks for labeling me and saying I'd fail JUST on the Borderline label. This is just another piece of proof on how people are quick to judge a person and situation on a mental illness and its stigma than on the person theselves. To those same people let me ask a question... If you read my post COMPLETELY IGNORING THE BORDERLINE DIAGNOSIS, how would you have replied to me?

November 28, 2012

The first thing the OP and others need to remember is that so called "personality disorders" are nothing but a way that psychoanalyst think about a compelx set of emotions and behaviors. They vote on them and define them in a little book called the DSM every so often. In fact they are getting rid of them in the latest version of the DSM, the DSM V.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201112/borderline-personality-disorder-big-changes-in-the-dsm-5

So don't take the label to heart.

Many people on this thread would benefit from reading things like this.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201110/what-borderlines-and-narcissists-fear-most-part

In brief Borderline personality and Narciscistic personality are kind of a pairing that occurs naturally. The classic trope is a BPD woman who gets involved with an NPD man. The BPD is attracted to how sure the NPD is of himself. His overwhelming narcicism allows him to try and control the BPD while not caring about them that much. While the BPD alternately idolizes and then devalues the NPD. Thus for a time they both get just what they think they want.

However it is a dysfunctional pairing. Neither person gets real love and affection. The BPD gets her need for external control met the NPD gets his need for a pathological amount of praise met.

I have read about this much because I am sure I've been involved with both kinds of person at some point. It has been said in the past that being transgendered comes with traits that are like BPD or NPD in some ways.

Interesting. Ive always heard dependent personality disorder and narcissistic go together.

OP- sorry I told you you are narcissistic. I just realized Histronic Personality Disorder is what is known for that. I was thinking of this disorder...not BPD. Got them confused. Apologies. And I know youre getting help. What I mean is when getting help, sometimes I feel it is better to focus on that instead of dating.

Honestly, the reason I replied this way was not because of your diagnosis but because you kept saying "I cant give my partner what he needs and I feel bad for it" It doesnt matter to me what the underlying reason is in these situations or if a gay, lesbian, straight, extroverted, introverted, open minded, narrow minded, male, female person says this. If you feel you cannot give your partner what is fair and what they deserve then it is sometimes best to part ways. However I did not do this when I was younger...I did say *looking back* it might have been best for me to do that.

If it makes you feel any better I do understand your pain of stigma and a label. I dont have BPD but I do have another label which has led me to lie to several men about it because very few are understanding and prejudge me. I wish I lived in a world where I didnt have to hide this, but in order to protect myself I do.

Edited November 28, 2012 by pbjbear

November 28, 2012

If you want to message me privately feel free to do so

November 29, 2012

BetheButterfly, thank you very much for your post, it gives a lot of insight into what I am feeling. I will definitely be reading it over and over again. You are very right in the forgiveness aspect, it's just I find it very hard to forgive myself. .

Sometimes it's hard to forgive oneself. It took me a long time to forgive myself for divorcing my first husband. However, thankfully he is happy with another lady (who is wonderful and I am happy for them), and I am happy with my husband and trust our love lasts the test of time! One thing I have learned about love though; you have to feed love, to help it grow strong.

am I supposed to "work through" my negative thoughts or am I supposed to just ignore them? This is where I have trouble applying the techniques my therapist has been trying to help me with

Personally, I don't see it as "working through" or ignoring them. I see it as simply acknowledging them, deciding that's not what I want to think about, and focusing on thinking about something positive!

For example, I'm not fond of some weight exercises that I do at the gym. Now, I could focus on the thoughts "Oh the pain! I don't like pain! I want to stop this cause it hurts!" but those thoughts makes me want to stop doing the exercise, to give up. Stopping the exercise would mean not working the muscle, which would mean not having a toned body.

If I thought "Ignore the pain ignore the pain!" that actually is antiproductive because I'm then focusing on the pain and doing what I am telling myself not to do lol! It's like when a person says, "Don't think about the color red." Immediately I think of red! So, that just doesn't work in helping me tone my muscles!

What helps is when I acknowledge the thought "Oh the pain", reject the thought "Ignore the pain!" and instead ask myself, "Why am I doing this?" My answer is a positive one. "I am toning my muscle, to look beautiful and gorgeous for my husband! He is so loving and look at him! Look at that body! Look at those muscles! Wow!!!"

Then, I start humming a song I like, concentrating on how many reps I need to do, and I completely zone out the pain because my brain is busy thinking about the positives.

So, when a negative thought comes into your brain, like you are not worthy, I think it's ok to acknowledge: "Ok, this is a negative thought." Then, ask yourself for a positive. If it's a negative thought about yourself, ask yourself, "What do I like to do?" Answer in a positive way. Then, concentrate on what is beautiful, funny, and you like - like a song or something that touched your heart and made you smile.

It takes time and practice to start focusing on the positive about you and about life. It's worth it, because it helps both you and the people around you to greatly enjoy life and bless each other!!!

Hugs and remember, YOU CAN DO IT!!! You are an awesome lady. Nobody is perfect; everybody can learn from their mistakes, focus on the positive, and enjoy life!

As to everyone else... thanks for labeling me and saying I'd fail JUST on the Borderline label. This is just another piece of proof on how people are quick to judge a person and situation on a mental illness and its stigma than on the person themselves.

Sadly, many people are judged due to mental illnesses. That used to really bother my sister too, who is a wonderful, highly intelligent, and beautiful lady, as well as loving wife and Mom. However, she chooses to focus on the people who love her and know her, instead of people who don't really care about her.

November 29, 2012

Sometimes it's hard to forgive oneself. It took me a long time to forgive myself for divorcing my first husband. However, thankfully he is happy with another lady (who is wonderful and I am happy for them), and I am happy with my husband and trust our love lasts the test of time! One thing I have learned about love though; you have to feed love, to help it grow strong.

Personally, I don't see it as "working through" or ignoring them. I see it as simply acknowledging them, deciding that's not what I want to think about, and focusing on thinking about something positive!

For example, I'm not fond of some weight exercises that I do at the gym. Now, I could focus on the thoughts "Oh the pain! I don't like pain! I want to stop this cause it hurts!" but those thoughts makes me want to stop doing the exercise, to give up. Stopping the exercise would mean not working the muscle, which would mean not having a toned body.

If I thought "Ignore the pain ignore the pain!" that actually is antiproductive because I'm then focusing on the pain and doing what I am telling myself not to do lol! It's like when a person says, "Don't think about the color red." Immediately I think of red! So, that just doesn't work in helping me tone my muscles!

What helps is when I acknowledge the thought "Oh the pain", reject the thought "Ignore the pain!" and instead ask myself, "Why am I doing this?" My answer is a positive one. "I am toning my muscle, to look beautiful and gorgeous for my husband! He is so loving and look at him! Look at that body! Look at those muscles! Wow!!!"

Then, I start humming a song I like, concentrating on how many reps I need to do, and I completely zone out the pain because my brain is busy thinking about the positives.

So, when a negative thought comes into your brain, like you are not worthy, I think it's ok to acknowledge: "Ok, this is a negative thought." Then, ask yourself for a positive. If it's a negative thought about yourself, ask yourself, "What do I like to do?" Answer in a positive way. Then, concentrate on what is beautiful, funny, and you like - like a song or something that touched your heart and made you smile.

It takes time and practice to start focusing on the positive about you and about life. It's worth it, because it helps both you and the people around you to greatly enjoy life and bless each other!!!

Hugs and remember, YOU CAN DO IT!!! You are an awesome lady. Nobody is perfect; everybody can learn from their mistakes, focus on the positive, and enjoy life!

Sadly, many people are judged due to mental illnesses. That used to really bother my sister too, who is a wonderful, highly intelligent, and beautiful lady, as well as loving wife and Mom. However, she chooses to focus on the people who love her and know her, instead of people who don't really care about her.

Thank you very much for your posts, they are very helpful towards me. You speak the exact same my therapist and my book speak to me. I believe you are right in that I need to practice accepting my thoughts and not letting them overwhelm me or feed them as much attention as I do. I'm naturally having trouble with this at the moment, and obviously at the moment my attempts are failing, and I end up giving in to my natural instinct of feeding them attention, and then bringing myself down. Your post actually just helped bring me back up from one of those "moments", as I was currently finding myself in one of those "slumps."

I am glad to hear your sister is able to lead a happy life even with all the prejudice sorrounding her and her mental illness.

To all the people in this thread, while I appreciate the advice, I believe I know myself and my personality, and while I'm sure your claims have credibility to yourself and your own personal experience, I don't sense it in me. I find it wrong to judge me like people you have dated or known in the past JUST because they were also Borderline. Not all Borderlines are the same, and to assume this is ignorant. I have met many Borderlines since my diagnosis, and they are all very different with very different issues. The diagnosis for mental illnesses does not mean that getting diagnosed with one "groups you" with the rest, or that you have all the symptoms that are listed - ie: fear of abandonment. Just because it is a symptom does NOT mean every single one diagnosed with BPD has this fear, and even if they do, it does not necessarily mean it is as big of a factor as others.

So to assume I have a fear of abandonment based just on my borderline diagnosis, and to use the "you're young and don't know what you're talking about" card on me is ignorant on its own, and a bit condescending. I don't think it's fair to judge me, and tell me "YOU'LL SEE" without knowing me, and prejudging me as so. Cause that's exactly what it is: judging me.

Anyway, thanks to everyone, especially to BetheButterfly who I felt was the only one who hit dead-on what I was feeling. Thank you very much, and I am very glad my boyfriend is supportive of me and understands me and is willing to help me through this

November 29, 2012

Not a shrink, and not disputing the diagnosis you have received other than for LS discussion purposes. I agree with Emilia's post, and you don't seem BPD. I could list several reasons for that, but will spare the thread. There are lots of therapists out there who make a living diagnosing children and young people with things that require long term treatment. It's their business to do so, and there is an obvious conflict of interest there. You will meet lots of "diagnosed" people in support groups and waiting rooms who are mostly normal, just confused about this or that. It's like chiropractors who never meet a potential client who has nothing wrong with their body, long term treatment is almost always required somehow. This is in no way meant as advice to stop your treatment or working on yourself and your life issues.

Would focus less on your relationship as a BPD and more on it as a young woman who is learning about relationships. I think you have a pretty good head on your shoulders, evidenced by your seeking advice, and from the outward concern you post for your BF as opposed to making the world "all about you," and are just having the normal doubts and issues that normal people have in their relationships. Good luck.

EDIT: Guilt over things we do in early relationships is entirely normal, even some dwelling on it. Try to leave the past in the past and move forward as someone who has learned from past mistakes and bad acts. No one is perfect, and learning from mistakes is all the world can expect from us.

Edited November 29, 2012 by dasein

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