kelzeykaye Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 So, I have been single for about a year and a half now and it's been good for me. I've always been one to give in when a love interest wants to make a relationship more serious, but I've been true to my heart and not let myself get into something I wasn't ready for. The past few months I've had flings with a few different guys and I can't figure out what is going on with me. At first, everything is perfect. They are interesting, fun, sexy, all around I enjoy spending time with them. I have a policy of authenticity with my dating partners so I'm not one to hold back my emotions or feelings. If I'm seeing you you kind of get all of me thrown at you, whether you like it or not. Typically my style gets 2 reactions: total rejection "you're too crazy for me," OR they end up getting super attached. Now, I'm all about attachment and connection when I'm ready for it. And with the guys I've been seeing lately, they seem to just get way too attached way too early and I can't help it but it scares me away. I have been called a heartbreaker most of my life because of this. I almost feel like I can't fall in love with a guy unless he doesn't want me =/ As soon as they confess big feelings, I pull back, and I can't help it. I don't know what to do. One of these guys (who got super attached, then upset when I wouldn't commit to a relationship) told me "People are delicate. You should remember that when you treat someone like they're really special, it is really painful to be told that you're not. That Kelsey is just moving on. You keep looking for that new thing (which will never stay new), but it's leaving a trail of dead bodies." I feel terrible for this. It is never my intention to hurt anyone, but I feel like it's inevitable. I can't seem to be able to fall in love (just infatuation), and the way that I treat them makes them fall head over heels for me and it breaks their hearts when I don't feel the same. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of hurting people, but I don't think that I should have to be less of my open and caring self in order to avoid that. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I can't compromise my own happiness to comfort others. Is there a way of still being myself and making sure they don't get too attached??? If I think they are getting attached should I just end it?? How can I fall in love again, not just infatuation that fades away after a few months??? Any feedback at all would be wonderful, really. I feel confused on lots of levels. Thanks for reading, if nothing else.
freetolove Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 i actually know where you're coming from, i spent a lot of time talking to people who are actually in relationships, when you dig deep enough, what they end up telling me is that you make sacrificed and compromises. you seem young (under 35) and i'm guessing relatively attractive (from your photo) so you have a lot of options. I'm in a similar boat. young and decent looking with many options. I'm holding out on someone who i can really connect with. when i don't feel happy or authentic, i feel like i hate my life. many people say when you find the one you just click. All I can think about when I settle is, I'm probably going to cheat or I'll be miserable forever, neither option sounds good so I keep dating in hopes to find the right one. Another friend told me that I'll eventually get tired and just settled. which might be true. I'm just not there yet.
jakoye Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 And with the guys I've been seeing lately, they seem to just get way too attached way too early and I can't help it but it scares me away. I have been called a heartbreaker most of my life because of this. I almost feel like I can't fall in love with a guy unless he doesn't want me =/ As soon as they confess big feelings, I pull back, and I can't help it. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do either, but I suffer from the same ailment. I find it easy to get girls to like me, but then when they do, I get turned off, especially if they go overboard. I can't explain why... it's just a feeling I get to, Monty Python-style, "Run away!!!". Logically, I'm at the point in my life where I want a serious relationship and, eventually, a family, but my choices belie that. I am constantly rejecting perfectly good candidates. I keep telling myself that it's because I don't feel any "spark", and that is true, but the last person I had "spark" with was a raging, selfish alcoholic, so obviously "spark" don't mean much. It's a conundrum, for sure.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I think it's your responsibility to slow down in the initial stages of a relationship, especially if you KNOW your pattern and that you really don't have an intention, at this time, of settling down into a serious relationship. I do get a sense of ego gratification through your post; a kind of boastfulness about being a "heartbreaker" and that people fall for you a lot. I don't really believe you when you say that you don't know what you're doing when you do it. Kind of like a player-ish vibe. If you're really being honest here, why don't you just tell guys upfront that you are not looking for anything serious, as well as imposing a few boundaries upon yourself regarding things like frequency of contact & dates, etc?
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