derrdic3 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 hey all, been going out with a girl about a month and a half now, things appeared to be going very well and due to certain circumstances (id rather not get into right now because i could write a few pages explaining the situation) i see things falling apart and theres really nothing i can do to stop it. I thought i played everything right, treated her great, just the right sense of teasing, never smothering, never had an argument, mutual attraction, everything just "clicked". Ive accepted the fact that she may be seeing other people but my question is... why? Her ex's were *******s (strike 1 against me i know) and she told me time and time again im a great guy and no one has ever treated her this well, id go to the ends of the earth for this girl. but the calls/texts are slowly starting to diminish, harder to get a hold of, i know she still has her online dating profile up and is active on it and i could go on. Do i need to change my strategy? not be so eager to please, slowly work up the "nice" factor as time goes on? i put in a lot of effort into the girls i date to make them happy and in the end 100% of the time i get trampled on with a "sorry, your a great guy but...." style talk. maybe its the type of girl im attracted to? im trying to find a pattern but just dont see it. I dont feel like i should change who I am but something is obviously not working. any advice would be awesome
I'm nuts Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 i know she still has her online dating profile up and is active on it and i could go on. Get away as fast as you can man, don't throw your pearls before swine, this girl is going to chatting to all sorts of blokes, sending them her picture, they will calling her up etc, NOW is the time to walk away. Been there, done that
movingon12 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 It depends whether your version of 'being too good' is coming across as obsessively creepy / going too fast / smothering / too old fashioned etc etc. If it's any of those, then yes, there's a problem. But don't believe the nonsense about being mean to keep them interested. That might work with certain types of girls, but those relationships generally are not happy healthy ones, and clearly that's not your style. 'Never had an argument' is not necessarily a good thing. You can't expect to always agree with someone: friends, colleagues, families or partners. Arguments will happen, and as long as you can communicate effectively, they're healthy. If you're not arguing it either means that one/both of you is too willing to back down or one/both of you is keeping everything inside rather than admitting there's a problem. The fact that you haven't had an argument about the fact that she's dating other people is weird. Maybe you're being too weak rather than too good? If I dated a guy that seemed to have no self-respect at all, and would let me do whatever I wanted, regardless of how much it hurt him, I couldn't date him. You can't love someone you don't respect, and you can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves etc etc etc
moveONorStay Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 You can definitely be "too good" to someone. Relationships of any kind are a 2 way street so both parties must offer something to the relationship or it won't work. That said, as moving on states...if you smother or are "too much" you could easily scare someone away by coming on too strong.
Author derrdic3 Posted November 28, 2012 Author Posted November 28, 2012 definately dont think its a smothering thing, i gave her a ton of space. im not the type of guy that needs to know what shes doing at all times, if i didnt get a call/text back id wait a day and try again. never more then 2 texts without a response. something movingon12 said stuck out to me, i am the type of person to ignore arguments. i grew up in a very volatile household and hated it so i do alot to try and defuse situations before they turn into arguments.. every time i brought up something i disagreed with she would just apologize profusely and seem like we would move on. but at the same time i feel like since we only have been dating a short time (month and a half'ish) i didnt want to become "that guy" and bombard her with questions about her dating profile because i am not quite sure where we are in the relationship. didnt want to rush things and just let them develop naturally so i didnt come off as clingy (which im not but its a reasonable question at this point right?) all is not lost though, but by just the way shes acting and lack of communication the last few days/week i just definitely dont have a good feeling.. ive been in this situation before and 100% of the time it doesnt end well. we have plans to hangout this weekend but thats mostly to help her move into a new place. idk if i should bring all this up or just let it be, specially the dating profile thing
movingon12 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Well if you haven't had The Talk yet, I guess she's not technically doing anything wrong, but...if you want to be exclusive you do need to talk to her about it and see if she wants the same thing. As for being too good - what is it that you think you do that might be considered "too nice"? Like I said, arguing is natural and healthy as long as it's done with respect, and doesn't just become a slinging match of verbal abuse until someone gives up. I was a bit confused about what you wrote though, you're saying if *you* mention something that she's said/done that you don't agree with, *she* apologises and you both move on. She never stands up for herself? Whilst I agree that you don't want to be pushy etc early in a relationship - at the same time, you need to be true to who you are. There's no point hiding how you feel/think/behave because you think it will scare her off. At some point you need to see the 'real person', and if you're behaving differently than you would if she was your girlfriend, then it's going to be very confusing for her if you start acting differently later on. Just be yourself, let her judge you on who you are. Text her back when you want to text her back, rather than waiting for what you think is the right amount of time. If she does something you're not happy about, call her on it. Either you're right for each other, or you're not, but if you're not being completely yourself, you won't know.
cavalier99 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 (edited) She is out with other guys or just flirting? STOP being nice guy. Pull way back and grow a pair and she might notice. Be ready to walk and KNOW that u can and stop trying so hard. If that doesn't work i vote for f-king other girls immediately Edited November 28, 2012 by cavalier99
Viper1 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 No, you can't be too "good" to a girl --if you define "good" by being considerate, well-mannered, and affectionate. On the other hand, if you defined "good" by believing you are playing by a set of rules "just the amount of teasing," etc; it suggests to me you've probably bought into somebody else's "rules of the game" that's robbed you of YOUR individuality. For instance, where did you get the idea that 1) teasing was a necessary strategy to be used with every girl and 2) there was a prescribed amount of t that was just right? My guess, is you've at leasted flirted with some of this PUA crap and that is deadly. Every woman is different and requires a different approach. Has it occurred to you that it might make a girl uncomfortable to get the sense "you would go to the ends of the earth for her." I'm guessing also, you're in your teens or early 20's. I would be a little put off if a girl basically said that to me. Wouldn't it apply--after you've only known someone for a month and a half--that you deified somebody you don't know much about. That suggests you don't have any boundaries when you've fallen for a girl and if you don't have boundaries, you can't be assertive, which indicates you're afraid of saying "no" to a girl, and if a girl gets a whiff of that she'll probably see you as someone who is too needy. So, yeah, you are missing a pattern: if you never have an argument it means the two of you never experience conflict--or you stave off an argument by being the nice guy who won't risk a girl's anger by levelling with her.
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