boblet Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 ugh I need to rant somewhere!! well it's been 3 months since my BU. I did go 45 days NC, till my ex broke it for my birthday, and I messaged him back and asked how he was which he ignored.. after which I found out he actually forgot my bday (my best friend told him)... I think in a way it helped turn me off more from him, I really expected more after almost 2 years even though we're broken up.. it makes me so mad, this guy was my first serious bf... I don't think he's a bad person, I think we had great chemistry, but how could he cheat on me AND be the one to break up with me a year later? I know I deserve more, I can't help but be angry, I deserved at least a break and not a full on breakup... while I was out of the country... it makes me so mad, that I was already gone to him before I left the country, it was THE most heart breaking thing coming back to "No I'm too busy" after a month of counting down the days till I saw him. ugh. He has the nerve to cheat, leave me, ignore me, ignore me ON my birthday, FORGET my birthday... I ended up giving him a piece of my mind, he read it and ignored it, it almost feels so helpless, I wanted him to know just how unjust he went about the breakup but he doesn't even care... how is it fair? How are you guys so sure we'd love again? I honestly wonder, I want to hear any stories if any of you have? I'm just at a phase where I can't imagine investing my emotions into someone without wondering if they'd leave me feeling so abandoned and left behind.... yet, there's this huge hole in my heart knowing that he's not there and also knowing I don't have that comfort of loving someone. I will say the pain is a bit more bearable, but it's almost like a nagging mosquito buzzing around me all the time... sometimes I feel as though I have all these compulsions and things I try to do to fill this void, constantly checking my phone and being in contact with other people, FB, LS... don't get me wrong I am busy outside of those things, I don't sit at home feeling sorry for myself etc. but inside me, something does not feel right.
denxnis Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 How old are you if I may ask? My ex was cheating on me, emotionally, and after about a month I sensed something was wrong. Her behavior changed towards me and she started to see less and less of me. Eventually I broke up with her and what do you know, she hooks up with some guy 4 days later. I tried to argue with her, ask her how she justifies all this, then I went into the sad phase where I said we can make it work blah blah blah. Fast forward 1 month later and she still acts like she did nothing wrong. I can't explain to you how/why they act like this - some people are just cold at heart. Personally if I broke up with someone I would have the respect not to date anyone for a little while, or if they showed changed I would try to make things work; this especially if the relationship was so long. By the way I am 24 and I was in a 6 year relationship.
Author boblet Posted November 28, 2012 Author Posted November 28, 2012 23.... my ex is the same age. he was drunk and made out with someone and I saw, mind you, he knew I was at the party.... there really was no excuse for it and I really felt as though I invested too much of my emotions and time into him to break things off at that point, I really wanted to see where we could have gone, I do believe it was a mistake in some ways, but you know what, he undermined my worth that night.... and I feel as though he has done the same thing by breaking up with me though I knew I wasn't perfect.... it just makes me so mad I'm so tempted to rant at him, it almost seems cathartic to me but won't get me anywhere, so I'll rant to you guys instead lol. How long ago was your BU? I can't imagine how you feel after 6 years...you're still in the sadness phase you think? I don't even know if this anger will turn to sadness in a few days it's been a rollercoaster...
movingon12 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 For what it's worth, my story: husband, 7 years, cheated, treated me like crap, breakup, blah blah blah, you get the picture. Like you, I wondered if I would ever a) fall in love with anyone else and b) whether I would trust them even if I did love them. In fact, one of the reasons that I delayed leaving him was the fact that I was pretty much certain that if I left, I would be single forever (where we live 'foreign men' are highly sought after by local girls, but 'foreign women' are not considered relationship material due to incompatible western ideals). Anyway, so it looked liked it would be stay with cheating husband and be miserable *but married* or break up and be single, childless, alone forever... I decided I'd rather be single than with someone that treated me like that so I left and and got on my life. Not easy, but I did it. After 6 months, I'd found a job, apartment and friends and started going out. I would kiss guys in clubs, but that was as far as it went. I wanted the comfort, but I didn't think I'd ever want another relationship. I ended up having a really great life - drank too much but had lots of fun. After 3 years, I had this strange feeling: I wanted a boyfriend again! It was so weird, I could never have imagined I would want to do that again. But it was like - 'whats the worst that can happen?' I met a few guys and went on a few first/second dates but nothing ever seemed right. Then one night, I met a guy. I knew that night there was something different about him. He moved in 2 weeks later, we married 11 months after that. We're expecting our first baby in January. One day - not yet - but one day you'll start feeling like you want to meet someone again. One day - not yet - but one you'll meet someone who makes you think 'for you, I'll take the risk'.
Author boblet Posted November 28, 2012 Author Posted November 28, 2012 Thanks for sharing your story movingon... and congratulations!! how long did it take you to actually get over him? When you were out enjoying life etc, did you still feel a void in your heart? Did you meet your new guy without looking for him? It's strange, I met my ex when I got emotionally exhausted of a guy before him, only until I was so completely fed up and moved on with my life and do my own thing, that's when I met my ex. I guess I don't mind being single, I just don't want it to feel unbearable, as though I'm missing something.
movingon12 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 At the beginning, when I went out, I was always half looking around to see if I might bump into him, I'd be wondering what he was doing, who he was with etc. It just gradually faded - some weeks I would be too busy getting drunk and having fun to even think about him, other weeks I'd deliberately go to bars that I thought he might be at just in case. There was no definite 'and now I'm fine' moment, there were slip ups and set backs, but generally the pain just slowly disappeared. For me I would say it took at a year before I really felt like I'd 'moved on'. But I'm still pissed off with him, even now I met my new husband without really looking - it was funny, that night I was tired and a bit sick and told my friends I wasn't going to go out. Then sat on my sofa and thought 'if I just sit here, my life will never change', so got dressed up and went out to join them. If I'd stayed home that night who knows how my life would have turned out.... I do think you can only be truly happy in a relationship when you're at a stage where you're happy to be alone. If you're desperately trying to replace someone, or you need someone else to make you happy, it doesn't work in the long run. So like you said you moved on and got your life together and you met someone. I think guys are good at sensing which women are going to be fun to be around, and which are going to be crying "but why did he leave me?!??!!!!??!??!?!" at 4am.
denxnis Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 (edited) 23.... my ex is the same age. he was drunk and made out with someone and I saw, mind you, he knew I was at the party.... there really was no excuse for it and I really felt as though I invested too much of my emotions and time into him to break things off at that point, I really wanted to see where we could have gone, I do believe it was a mistake in some ways, but you know what, he undermined my worth that night.... and I feel as though he has done the same thing by breaking up with me though I knew I wasn't perfect.... it just makes me so mad I'm so tempted to rant at him, it almost seems cathartic to me but won't get me anywhere, so I'll rant to you guys instead lol. How long ago was your BU? I can't imagine how you feel after 6 years...you're still in the sadness phase you think? I don't even know if this anger will turn to sadness in a few days it's been a rollercoaster... I broke up with her right before this Halloween, however I have regretfully kept in contact with her every so often and it feels like I keep hitting the reset button on the healing process. Right now I'm not sure whether or not we were both really in love with our exes or if we just feel used and self-conscious, or maybe it's just me. I have a strange request, any chance I could email you a picture of my ex and I so I can get a strangers opinion of whether or not she was too good for me?? Edited November 28, 2012 by denxnis
Author boblet Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Why would you wonder if someone was good enough for you? That kind of demeans your self worth no? Seems like I'm wavering between these stages of grief, I'm back to being sad today.... I miss him so much this is stupid ugh I'm so tired of this rollercoaster....
flitzanu Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 your ex didn't break NC, you broke NC by replying asking how he is. you're the one in NC, not your ex. sadly, these are the reasons you should NOT break NC when you're the one that's hurt. he's not "ignoring" you, he simply doesn't want to talk to you...which is of course perceived as "ignoring". strangers aren't required to speak to each other, and same with exes. there's no moral obligation for him to speak to you. but...it was crappy that he would text you about your bday. start your process again with NC, he obviously sounds like a jerk.
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