sweetmo Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 I dated a guy for about a month in a worldwind romance when his father suddenly committed suicide, and a month later he broke things off with me. We continued to see each other during that second month, but he started withdrawing from me, understandably. I'd wished he'd turn toward me rather than pushing me away, but I had to respect how he was handling his own grief. I'm confused as to why he broke things off with me, it was sudden and there was only good between he & I; we really had a special connection. I just want to understand to help me get over my own grief of losing someone so wonderful. And, should I wait a while and contact him. He would say that family was coming in, and he had to take care of this or that and couldn't see me, but always with heartfelt "i miss you so much", etc, etc. During all of this he'd invited me to go to his best friend's wedding with him and plan a weekend trip away. So I really thought things were fine with us, but he was just understandably going through something hugely difficult, with the loss of his father. He & his father had a strained relationship; he is 36 (I'm 32) and the eldest son & next of kin so had to take care of all arrangements and go through his father's things, etc.. I never pressured him to see me and never asked why he didn't call, he had enough going on without pressure from me. Our new relationship was wonderful and we had instant chemistry and attraction. Although we lived 50 miles apart (and in Southern Calif thats a long way when you consider the traffic here), but he always said it was not a big deal, it was nothing to drive to see me, and said he'd hate to think he'd let 45 minutes stand in the way of him seeing someone he cares about. I went to his place less but had no problem going there. He usually said he'd rather come to my place. So he called me last week and said we needed to talk, and said really that we were geographically challenged and if it got to the point where we wanted to see each other every day that wouldn't really be realistic, and his job and his life is where he lives and he doesn't see that changing. I said that I am not as attached to where I live and my job is mobile, and that should we want to start seeing each other every day we should cross those bridges together when we get to them. He then said he just needed time, that he needs to figure things out. He thought this was for the best, that he may kick himself in a day or two weeks, but time would tell, and he'd rather be with me when he's wiped the slate clean. He said he can't be with anyone until he's worked through some things. Then made me promise not to wait for him (which struck me as odd for some reason). I asked if there was another girl from his past that's come back into the picture, and he said no, its nothing like that at all. I asked if it was b/c I was too independent, and he cut me off and said no, I was so sweet, I was perfect, it was so perfect, and maybe that's why he has to do this, so he can wipe the slate clean. He also said he hoped that he could feel like he could talk to me in the future, and of course I said he could call me at any time, six hours from now or six months. But I hoped it was sooner rather than later, and he said he'd probably give me some time, as he wouldn't want to open up old wounds. So I don't know what to think. All my friends are totally baffled by the sudden breakup, and none understand why if things were so great he would up and break it off like this. Is there anyone else whose gone through this? Are there any guys out there who have had there father suddenly pass away or commit suicide, who might be able to help me understand what he's going through? I also wonder still if there was someone else, but that he just wouldn't tell me to spare my feelings... I've discovered, now that this has happened, that I was truly falling in love with him, and am devastated very much, more than I think I should be for only a two month love affair. I'm consumed by thoughts of him and wondermant about how this could happen. I wonder if I should wait a few weeks and contact him to see how he is doing. I apologize for the lengthy post, but didn't want to leave anything out.
pitprincess Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 Do you know why his father took his life? Maybe its a long line of problems from the family?? I know that when someone passes out of my life I so wished all my friends would contact me.. Its just something inside of me. It sounds like whats happening may not be someone else but very well may be dealing with the loss of his father. Maybe someone else here can offer you some advice. I would be his friend and be there for him. I would as well make contact with him often to let him know you do care. I wish you the best of luck, God Bless
princessjulieanne Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 Sweetmo, sorry about what you and your friend are going through. I am not sure if it is the same thing since your boyfriend's father died from a suicide but I have just lost my mom a few weeks ago. I just did much the same thing your boyfriend did and stopped a new relationship I was in. Right now the emotions are all over the map and on one hand its nice to have someone near but on the other you want to be alone and deal with this tidal wave of emotions. Give him a bit of time, I'm guess dealing with a death is bad enough but imagine there is a lot of guilt dealing with a suicide as well even though he does not deserve it. God Bless.
Author sweetmo Posted August 9, 2004 Author Posted August 9, 2004 Thank you so much to pitprincess and princessjulieanne for your responses. I really appreciate the time you spent to read my post and give me your valuable feedback - it really helped alot. To answer princessjulieanne's question - I do not know specifically why his father committed suicide. He did leave a note and didn't address it to anyone specific, and basically said he ran out of money and was doing the 'act' in his old chair, so it wouldn't make a mess and could be thrown out afterwards. Very sad. His father & mother divorced 15 years ago and his mother remarried but the father never did. According to the son, his father was brilliant, yet very simple (non-materialistic), not ambitious, yet also very difficult to talk to and be around. He was the sort that had opinions about how you should do things, and if you didn't handle it the way he'd said you were a real idiot and then some. I think I will wait a bit longer and contact him as you suggested, just to let him know he can if he wants to, that I am here for him. I think pitprincess, you are right in thinking he has a lot of guilt, b/c he and his father had a strained relationship. They had a falling out four years ago, and haven't communicated much since, and now his father is gone, just like that. Whenever he spoke about his father it was both in admiration, and resentment, so he must be going through alot of emotion as you mentioned. I am so, so sorry for your loss of your mother. I know if it were me I would be absolutely devastated and inconsolable. It's got to be one of those wounds that never quite heals completely. I hope that you are okay... What would your reaction be if the guy you were seeing did call you or email you just to let you know he was thinking of you and hoped you were alright? I am thinking of doing something along those lines, but don't want to bother him. He did say he needed time to work through things afterall and I want to be respectful of that, yet also let him know I care.
princessjulieanne Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 My friend has actually contacted me a couple of times, nothing too heavy, just a hello I'm thinking of you. Its a 50/50 situation sweetmo to know he is there if I need him does console me but I can't handle any extra "pressure" at the moment. If you did contact him I would do it by email, keep it very short and very few and far between. This way you are giving him his time to work through his emotions but he knows he has a friend if he needs one. Relationships are a lot of work even the good ones and right now his plate is full just to deal with the loss of his father a father whom he had some difficulty with and who committed suicide. I think this is for real this time one of those situations where "its not you its him". Give him some time to grieve hopefully he will realize someday soon that you are a good support system but those first few weeks I find its a battle we want and need to fight alone. Take care of yourself!
Author sweetmo Posted August 9, 2004 Author Posted August 9, 2004 Pitprincess, that is exactly what I needed to know. Thank you so much! It is interesting how you said it is a 50/50 situation, b/c in our last conversation he explained it to me that way - that he's been doing so much thinking and is 50/50 about it. I'm going to read your reply anytime I am weak and want to contact him, as that would not be what he needs right now. I'll just send an email as you suggested and leave it at that for a while. (sigh), even though I am very sad and miss him terribly, I feel so much better just to have a little bit better understanding of what it is he is dealing with. Its one of those terrible losses that one can't truly understand unless it happens to them, all I can do is try to be as understanding as I can be and not be selfish in wanting to contact him to mend my own broken heart. And thank you again for taking the time to explain, when you have your own situation to work through.
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