skylarblue Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 With all the emails, I'd think it would be easy to decipher your H's involvement. Did he say he loved her or expressed that he wished he could be in a relationship with her instead of you? Did they ever discussed him leaving you for her? You said it's been an emotional affair for 3 years so it's obviously not just about sex. It's easy for anyone to find a sex partner. It may be hard if you're an unattractive person looking for an attractive mate but in general just getting laid isn't difficult. Although I don't think it's just about sex in your situation, I do think it is possible. It's typical to choose the path of least resistance, and if a man (in general) finds himself in a once in a lifetime situation partically if it's sex fueled (either mentally or physically) he's going to hold on to that instead of starting from square one especially if it's his first affair. A bird in hand beats 2 in the bush. I've been there as an OW who was in a sex only A for years. I had written that I wonder why she'd avoided or rejected intimate advances from your H, but as I was about to post I saw your post about her ending it and the reasons why. Also, reading that he had previous affairs make things somewhat different in there is more than one issue to deal with here. I don't know what answers you are looking for. It seems you have a pretty good idea of what's going on. Also, how many times can she be just sex and your M still have a chance? 5, 10...? It already been 3 supposedly. I'm not bashing you, but the saving of your M hardly lies on whether it was just sex or not. That seems to be a lesser issue you in the scheme of things. I wish you luck with your situation and hope this forum is helpful to you.
Ninja'sHusband Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 If your H loves her and truly wants her then he'll seek her out and there's nothing you can do about it except separate yourself from the situation. So you look into your heart. Just because someone has "feelings" for someone or feels an attraction doesn't mean they have to act on it. Things like commitment, boundaries, family, self control, and basic morality lead some people to amend their ways and heal a family nearly ripped apart by irresponsible infidelity. Ideally they avoid infidelity in the first place. Things don't "just happen". Things "happen" because wayward spouses don't observe boundaries and stupidly put themselves on the dangerous slippery slope. 2
skylarblue Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 maybe the biggest one. hard to recall how many have an affair with an out of work addict who lives with mom. Affairs cost time and MONEY. Somebody must have told you wrong. Lol. I've known lots contradictions to all 3. Personally, my A costed MM neither time or money for years. All depends on what the APs are looking for.
Realist3 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Somebody must have told you wrong. Lol. I've known lots contradictions to all 3. Personally, my A costed MM neither time or money for years. All depends on what the APs are looking for. I agree. It need not cost a thing.
stillafool Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 "Is it really that easy for a married man to find sex out there?" Yes you better believe it is. There is always some skank waiting to screw your man. Seriously though, it's hard to tell if your husband really loves this particular affair partner or not by what you've posted. You know him better than us and I think you know in your heart how he feels. You should wonder why he doesn't love you. If he did he wouldn't continue to have multiple affairs on you. He probably admires this particular girl because she is very different than the others he has had affairs with. I personally think you should stop trying to figure out how he feels about this girl (since this is not his first affair) because what difference does it make to your situation? He is a cheater and will cheat on you again. The only way to stop your pain with this guy is to file for divorce immediately and start your healing process. He will continue to cheat on you because you put up with it.
GorillaTheater Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 I agree. It need not cost a thing. If you're going to have a side dish, better that it be a cheap side dish.
Realist3 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 If you're going to have a side dish, better that it be a cheap side dish. That is putting a bit too simply. In my situation she already had everything, there was no need. In a person that might be in a situation ove a lower income looking for "stuff" may not be their motivation. Lots if people with little or no means have affairs. I just think the basic premise that it "costs" a lot is very untrue. 1
Summer Breeze Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 maybe the biggest one. hard to recall how many have an affair with an out of work addict who lives with mom. Affairs cost time and MONEY. Actually there are an awful lot of OW and I can think of a few BS who have talked about being with/or spouse being with an AP who had little or nothing. I know I never cost DMM anything other than what gifts he chose to buy me. When we went away I paid my own way. The thing about money and OW/OM is that if they say, as I did, that they paid their own way someone will come back and say 'guess they didn't think that much of you' or 'oh a cheap dish on the side'. If we say they paid for everything then the OW/OM is a gold digger and going to be sued to death for everything that he spent on her. It's a no win whichever way an OW/OM posts it in here. 2
Summer Breeze Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 If you're going to have a side dish, better that it be a cheap side dish. My previous post -- case in point.
Summer Breeze Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Just because someone has "feelings" for someone or feels an attraction doesn't mean they have to act on it. Things like commitment' date=' boundaries, family, self control, and basic morality lead some people to amend their ways and heal a family nearly ripped apart by irresponsible infidelity. Ideally they avoid infidelity in the first place. Things don't "just happen". Things "happen" because wayward spouses don't observe boundaries and stupidly put themselves on the dangerous slippery slope.[/quote'] I do agree with you NH. I was probably talking more in context with my whole post. Of course I can't say defnitively what he'll do but what I was so poorly stating was that if he wants to be with his OW then he will be and it's more about what he does rather than what she does, unless she leaves him and then knows for sure it's nothing to do with her any longer. She can control only herself and not her H or the OW. Thanks for calling me on that.
j'adore Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Originally Posted by SmithM I don't want to be with a man who is hiding his love for someone else. But then again, he could be honest about her being just sex, then my marriage could have a chance. But I don't know what to think. He could go after her again if he's in love. No it is not just sex and you know it...... but he could still stay with you, if that is what you want,... he sounds like he is not leaving. But do you want that, do you want a man who loves another woman. A ghost of a husband. she may not want him permanently though you may have him by default?
woinlove Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 I do agree with you NH. I was probably talking more in context with my whole post. Of course I can't say defnitively what he'll do but what I was so poorly stating was that if he wants to be with his OW then he will be and it's more about what he does rather than what she does, unless she leaves him and then knows for sure it's nothing to do with her any longer. She can control only herself and not her H or the OW. Thanks for calling me on that. Agree. And what he has been doing is trying to keep both the OW and his M which is a very difficult situation for SmithM. I think carhill sums it up well, SmithM, you need to look out for yourself and make choices to make yourself happy. I IMO, unless he's filed for divorce, it's very unlikely he's leaving you for her, especially if this EA has been going on for a long time. What remains is for you to make choices which are in the best interest of your personal and family health. My sympathies.
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