SmithM Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Is it true that my husband's affair wasn't only sex because he would have cheated with another woman by now? Is it really that easy to find sex out there? My husband has been carrying out an emotional affair with a woman he used to work with for over 3 years. They have scheduled to get together more than once, but one of them always backs out. But even when he's the one stopping contact, it doesn't take long for him to go after her again - and he's always the one initiating contact. They only had sex a couple of times over 2 years ago. Recently he went back asking her to get back together for the 9 th time I could count from their emails. I know from over 500 emails I found that they have discussed their families, A LOT of sex talk - including phone calls -, she went to his office once and he tried to get her to touch him and she said no, he wants her to go back to work with him, he wanted to go to HER HOUSE and meet her there, because he couldn't wait to see her (she said no). Then he suggested they meet even at a parking lot wherever her appointment was, because he couldn't wait... she also said no. He has called her beautiful, talked about how perfect her make-up is, tells her she's cute when she makes jokes, told her that he j****d off thinking of her HUNDREDS of times, has sworn on the life of our children to make her believe one of his promises, she sent him a birthday gift.... countless things. Do all of these things mean that he thinks about leaving me for her? (And yes, I know I should be leaving him, and I will, I just need to understand his level of involvement with her because it helps me to prepare.)
CarrieT Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Why does his "level" of involvement help you prepare? Prepare for what? You have had multiple threads on this topic: You are married to a serial cheater and still want to justify his deceit. Why? What is it about him that you want to keep when you know he will probably cheat again? 1
MissBee Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Wow... I have no idea how you stomach any of this. I haven't read your other threads, but if you are indeed with a serial cheater, then he may never leave you, as you provide security and comfort and obviously take him back no matter what. But he clearly is addicted to the attention, sex and pursuit of other women. My dad is a serial cheater and has never left although he cheats always....that's his business, my mom is the one who is ridiculous for consistently taking him back. If your husband does this often, you shouldn't be worried about his "involvement" so much as wonder about your own and why you've allowed it.
underwater2010 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Yes it is easy to find. He found someone that would give him emotional and physical sex once in awhile. But if it wasn't her it would be someone else. My FWH was hitting up at least 3 women when the MOW took the bait. You should see how many OW/MOW throw themselves at MM. It is sickening. 2
j'adore Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Yes it is easy to find. He found someone that would give him emotional and physical sex once in awhile. But if it wasn't her it would be someone else. My FWH was hitting up at least 3 women when the MOW took the bait. You should see how many OW/MOW throw themselves at MM. It is sickening. What utter rubbish. There are easy people married or not. Some people just want sex and obviously it is easier depending on how attractive you are and how confident you are whatever your marital status. There are lots of bored married men on dating sites where it is easy to find a FB. MM throw themselves at women too. 1
cocorico Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Is it true that my husband's affair wasn't only sex because he would have cheated with another woman by now? Is it really that easy to find sex out there? For those who are attractive (physically and personality-wise), yes. Or for those who appeal to niche / fetish interest groups. Sex can be really easy to find, if sex is all you want. Good sex, or great sex, takes more effort to find, and for some people that requires an emotional component too. Given your H and this particular woman only (allegedly) had sex twice, but he can't let her go, it would suggest that either the sex was out-of-this-world mind blowing for him, way e best he ever had, or else it was something other than sex (intimacy, an emotional connection, love) that he was getting from her. If it was just sex, she'd have been like all his other women, gone and forgotten in a moment and he'd be with number next. This is not the first time you are hearing all this. What is it about these answers that you cannot accept or process, that you keep needing to ask the exact same question repeatedly? Are you hoping that eventually someone will tell you it's fine, she meant nothing, none of those many women meant anything, it's really you he wants and loves, just turn a blind eye and it will all work out fine....? If it really is immaterial to you how many women he has sex with, why don't you tell him that, tell him you're happy to open the M, or at least on his side, he can screw who he wants as long as he stays M to you.
woinlove Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Smith, I don't think you can know for sure. I know your H says she doesn't mean anything to him, but his words can't be trusted. I do suspect your H is broken in some way, and not capable right now of building an intimate, honest M, with anyone. I don't think that is possible with someone behaving the way he is. He would really need to change and, while some do, many don't. He doesn't show any indication of changing. I have a hard time believing what he has with this woman is real love, because the real love I have experienced and witnessed does not come with people who behave so poorly. However, he could think he is in love and lying about that, or he might think he is simply using her. She could become his next wife, and if so, it doesn't sound very good for her. I think what is important is that you make sure you have a happy life, and since it doesn't seem your H is ready to change and may never be, I think divorce will be your path to greater happiness. While it is natural to want to understand how things really are with the people in your life, in this case, you may never know and your H may not even know as he may sometimes act out of compulsion and not be able to articulate why. Still, it seems you know enough to know you deserve better.
Spark1111 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Smith, sometimes it is as simple as wanting what you cannot have that makes it oh so desirable. Or, it could be the thrill of the hunt that is the aphrodisiac. There are lots of people in those camps emotionally. For others it is the thrill of the forbidden that excites them so. or, some men truly suffer from Madonna Whore complex. They marry a woman and turn her into mommy but then seek excitement with their perceived sexual bad girl. bad girls aren't marriage material in their minds. I think the issues are his issues, and unless he willingly seeks intense counseling, he and you will never know why he chose to do those things while married. The Internet has made it much easier to find a NSA sex partner, but generally, no, I do not feel there are scads of women out there for MM. He needs to find one either lonely or vulnerable enough to feel special by his attention, or one that just does not value his marriage to you enough to care. Which one did he find at work?
underwater2010 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 What utter rubbish. There are easy people married or not. Some people just want sex and obviously it is easier depending on how attractive you are and how confident you are whatever your marital status. There are lots of bored married men on dating sites where it is easy to find a FB. MM throw themselves at women too. I am only making a statement based on what I have found. Yes there a plenty of MM on dating websites, but there are plenty of OW/MOW willing to fill a role in the affair. Both sets MM/OM/OW/MOW are make me sick. I have always been a firm believer that if someone is taken either by marriage or dating, then they are off limits. A cheater would never stand the chance to have an affair, if there were not so many willing participants out there. 2
Spark1111 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 the level of addiction evidenced by all those sexual emails and attempts to get with her bespeaks of an obsession fueled by Limerance chemicals. Did she once say stop texting, emailing me? Obviously, her ego was being boosted by the chase. It excited her too to have all that attention even if she lost interest in consummating the act. he should be fired for his behavior. Does her spouse or SO know?
Spark1111 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 What utter rubbish. There are easy people married or not. Some people just want sex and obviously it is easier depending on how attractive you are and how confident you are whatever your marital status. There are lots of bored married men on dating sites where it is easy to find a FB. MM throw themselves at women too. Well on a dating site looking for FWBs would be mutual no? to get the ultimate ego boost of having someone fall in love with you, adore you, and pine away for you when they are home with their wives, is not found on a FWBs site. You need to target the lonely, the vulnerable, the insecure to find THAT woman.i
Author SmithM Posted November 28, 2012 Author Posted November 28, 2012 (edited) We have had a D day. He knows that I know. I stopped posting here because I haven't left yet and didn't want to be criticized. He says she was just sex and the 4 years shouldn't count as such because their contact was intermittent. He also had just sex with two others I've found out about, but it was nothing like it was with this woman. The affair didn't start until after she left their company. But in some of the emails, she mentions his behavior towards her at work, listing things he used to say, like she was so sweet and innocent, and a good girl, unlike other girls at work. At one point, she writes that when she was pregnant he told her she set the standards for every woman he knew, "pregnant or not".* That's when my heart sank. He was still pursuing her and she was pregnant?! Then he goes into how blindsided he was once the affair started and she was such a sexual person. He wrote more than once about how surprised he was. And she did end it in an email, citing her husband being an incredible man and how she loved my husband but she wanted to be a mother to her child who has integrity.* My point is that he seemed totally mesmerized in their emails by how sexual she is and how she's still such a good girl who had never cheated before, he was her first. God only knows what else she told him in phone conversations, meetings, etc. Even on d- day, he never three her under the bus. Apparently she told her husband after one of their 9 break-ups, he stayed with her. My animosity is more towards him than her at the moment. It's his feelings I care about now, she took herself out of the picture a few weeks before I found out. I don't want to be with a man who is hiding his love for someone else. But then again, he could be honest about her being just sex, then my marriage could have a chance. But I don't know what to think. He could go after her again if he's in love. Edited November 28, 2012 by SmithM
Realist3 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 It was a love relationship, not just sex. Does he talk to you the way he talked to her in those emails? I'm sure what you are trying to salvage at this point. Either you are okay with his daliences or you are not. From this side of the screen you seem to deperately want to stay, and that is okay, but if you do make that decision you are going to have to accept that he was or still is in love with someone else as well. 1
Summer Breeze Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 OP I'm going to go a little against the general consensus here. Not all OW are weak minded things that are so needy they're bowled over by a cute MM with a fabulous smile. There are a lot who develop a R with them and it carries on and evolves and develops. Love happens and sometimes it works out and most times it doesn't. Sex is really easy to find in this day and age. It's so easy there's really not much reason for a MM to develop an R with an OW. ONS would be the simple way around it all. No one to get involved and not nearly the worry about exposure I would think. Do I think he loved her? Yes I do. Do I think he didn't love you? No I don't. I do think people can love more than 1 person at a time. I don't hold any stock in the whole limerance and 3rd date syndrome in longterm As. That's my opinion and I'm sure there's a whole calvary of people who will come in and counter my thoughts. I don't care really. I know what I've experienced and what I've seen from other people and in years in forums. My DMM's xW told me she'd never allow him to D because she would rather keep him miserable than let him come to me. I couldn't do something like that myself but I understood why she was saying it. And 4 years after I ended it he's now divorced her and we're seeing where we can go, if we can go, from here. If your H loves her and truly wants her then he'll seek her out and there's nothing you can do about it except separate yourself from the situation. So you look into your heart. You try as hard as you can to be objective about how he's acting and what he's saying. You do the hard work on what you want and what you're willing to go through again if it's bad. Then on what you want and how wonderful it can be if it all goes well. You have to trust one of you. Either you trust him to take care of you and you stay, or you trust you to take care of you and you leave. I hope you find your decision and it brings you peace. Hopefully you'll be a fBS in a few years and posting to all the people walking through the doors of LS for the first time. 2
Realist3 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 As to the original question, yes, finding sex is easy. Someone above mentioned looks and personality, and I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I have numerous married and single women hit on me on a regular basis.
Spark1111 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Oh I forgot' date=' money is another one [/quote'] maybe the biggest one. hard to recall how many have an affair with an out of work addict who lives with mom. Affairs cost time and MONEY.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 It was a love relationship, not just sex. That's something that most OW/OM tell themselves, may or may not be true in this case. Does he talk to you the way he talked to her in those emails? Since her WS lied to the OP, why would you think he'd be truthful to the OW? The flowery sentiments she found in his emails to her wouldn't be the first creative prose penned by a man looking to unzip a woman's pants. You're projecting and over-thinking many parts of this... Mr. Lucky 1
Realist3 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 That's something that most OW/OM tell themselves, may or may not be true in this case. Since her WS lied to the OP, why would you think he'd be truthful to the OW? The flowery sentiments she found in his emails to her wouldn't be the first creative prose penned by a man looking to unzip a woman's pants. You're projecting and over-thinking many parts of this... Mr. Lucky Over 4 years? I could see that in the beginning, but not long lasting. 1
Spark1111 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 We have had a D day. He knows that I know. I stopped posting here because I haven't left yet and didn't want to be criticized. He says she was just sex and the 4 years shouldn't count as such because their contact was intermittent. He also had just sex with two others I've found out about, but it was nothing like it was with this woman. The affair didn't start until after she left their company. But in some of the emails, she mentions his behavior towards her at work, listing things he used to say, like she was so sweet and innocent, and a good girl, unlike other girls at work. At one point, she writes that when she was pregnant he told her she set the standards for every woman he knew, "pregnant or not".* That's when my heart sank. He was still pursuing her and she was pregnant?! Then he goes into how blindsided he was once the affair started and she was such a sexual person. He wrote more than once about how surprised he was. And she did end it in an email, citing her husband being an incredible man and how she loved my husband but she wanted to be a mother to her child who has integrity.* My point is that he seemed totally mesmerized in their emails by how sexual she is and how she's still such a good girl who had never cheated before, he was her first. God only knows what else she told him in phone conversations, meetings, etc. Even on d- day, he never three her under the bus. Apparently she told her husband after one of their 9 break-ups, he stayed with her. My animosity is more towards him than her at the moment. It's his feelings I care about now, she took herself out of the picture a few weeks before I found out. I don't want to be with a man who is hiding his love for someone else. But then again, he could be honest about her being just sex, then my marriage could have a chance. But I don't know what to think. He could go after her again if he's in love. Interesting Smith that the claim of her H knowing and forgiving her could very well be bogus, even if she referred to it in an email. it's an easy lie to throw the MM off the pursuit or the BS from contacting her spouse. MY H said he cared deeply for his OW but did not love her. Their texts were so flattering and over the top dramatics I felt like I was in the midst of Romeo and Juliet. I told him to go get her and that was the last thing he wanted. Four years later, he doesn't recognize the person either he or she was during the affair. lots of projection there. The bottom line is only you can determine where your truth lies. And that's the hardest journey there is. 1
Realist3 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 (edited) maybe the biggest one. hard to recall how many have an affair with an out of work addict who lives with mom. Affairs cost time and MONEY. I think it has to do with balance. Sure, for a person with money attracting a person of lesser means would be easier than a freshman at Peacenik. For me it was a situation of very similar (identical)socio-economic status. Edited November 28, 2012 by Realist3
carhill Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Is it really that easy for a married man to find sex out there? IMO, gauging by the number of women who approached me sexually while married, yeah it probably is. Is it true that my husband's affair wasn't only sex because he would have cheated with another woman by now? Emotional affairs can become sexual or remain in the realm of non-sexual intimacy and fantasy. Everyone is different. Is it really that easy to find sex out there? My anecdote is that it was pretty available while married; less so while single/divorced. That said, I don't actively look for it (sex), rather relationships, so don't pursue all sexual avenues available. Do all of these things mean that he thinks about leaving me for her? IMO, unless he's filed for divorce, it's very unlikely he's leaving you for her, especially if this EA has been going on for a long time. What remains is for you to make choices which are in the best interest of your personal and family health. My sympathies.
j'adore Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 maybe the biggest one. hard to recall how many have an affair with an out of work addict who lives with mom. Affairs cost time and MONEY. Rubbish - walks in the park, free, meeting by the sea free, meeting at OW house free, love is free 1
Spark1111 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 That's something that most OW/OM tell themselves, may or may not be true in this case. Since her WS lied to the OP, why would you think he'd be truthful to the OW? The flowery sentiments she found in his emails to her wouldn't be the first creative prose penned by a man looking to unzip a woman's pants. You're projecting and over-thinking many parts of this... Mr. Lucky Lots of truth here, Mr. Lucky! men are besotted by women who desire them all the time sexually and that is what makes the affair dynamic so enticing for so many. Smith, judge a man by his actions if you want to know who he truly loves. He professes, provides and protects.l
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