Dear Cheaters,...

[Tree_Salmon]

Yep. I know this. I actually said these words pretty much verbatim to my ex when he contacted me 5 weeks post break up. He texted me telling me to sell all the jewelry he bought me, that he didn't want me to get the wrong impression and think he was going to want me back.

 

To say I flew off the handle and tore him about 5 new a.ss holes is an understatement. My words were this, "At the end of the day, I can put my head down and night and know I am guilt free. I have never treated you the way you've treated me."

 

His response was, "That's great, good luck to you."

 

True piece of s.hit he is. I have no idea if those words are coming back to bite him in the a.ss. I don't care enough about him to find out what's going on in his life but I'd like to think Karma has my back, and what he has sown, he will one day reap.

 

This is true.

My ex can barely live with herself anymore from what I've seen.

And she IS a horrible person. Let's not give these people any credit.

A scumbag is a scumbag.

 

You make your own hell.

 

Being married doesn't make anyone any less a scumbag, either.

[KatZee]

This is true.

My ex can barely live with herself anymore from what I've seen.

And she IS a horrible person. Let's not give these people any credit.

A scumbag is a scumbag.

 

You make your own hell.

 

Being married doesn't make anyone any less a scumbag, either.

 

Yeah. My ex actually was sobbing saying he wanted to kill himself. I know some people like to toss that gem out there to make others feel sorry for them, but I'd like to think my ex wouldn't go that low because his mother did that to herself.

 

He was so phony. Always saying how this large group of his friends were nothing more than his drinking buddies and that he never opened up to anyone on a deeper level and no one really knew him the way I knew him.

 

He would say some nasty things about the girls in the group, but when they disrespected ME he would defend THEM?? I don't get it.

 

He would also go on to say how he didn't have anyone in his family to talk to, it was always his mom and she's no longer there and I was so similar to his mother that he just opened up to me. I'm no longer in his life, so despite any outward appearance he gives, I'm sure he's living his own personal hell every single day.

[Driver]

Cheaters are ordinary people who have made a mistake.

 

 

EVERYONE here on this thread is not really any different. And everyone can be a cheater.

 

Yes, you can. In fact, if you emphatically believe that you will not, then I think you may even be more susceptible;e than the person who admits to himself that he is capable of doing.

 

 

I am capable and because of it, I will put up boundaries to prevent it.

 

Cheaters cheat for many reasons including those listed above. It is not simply out of selfishness. It can be out of anger or frustration. It can be out of hopelessness and resentment. Or it can be out of curiosity.

 

But anyone put in a situation that doesn't seem to have an out can cheat. And anyone who allows himself to be tempted can fall.

 

While it is okay to ask why, expect many different answers. It is not usually about the person betrayed, but it could be about the environment that was created between the two people.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it, but it may be wise to get counseling. Move on and learn but don't feel guilty.

 

We all get put into positions that can lead to cheating. How we react and what we do to prevent it will determine if we fall.

 

I don't believe that their is a certain character that is more prone to cheating.

 

AMEN. I couldn't agree to this more. I literally never, ever, ever thought I would cheat on anyone. But I did, regrettably, once.

 

I agree that those who say that they would NEVER may be more susceptible to doing it. When my ex went away for seven months we hardly discussed the issue because we didn't think it would ever come up in our "perfect" relationship. But we were dead wrong.

 

When I came on this board months ago and talked about my guilt and disgust with myself, I was SLAMMED with criticism and rude remarks. But I think that...we all make mistakes, and we even make mistakes we never thought we would. The point is, I have learned from this mistake and I fully understand the pain I would cause in my partner and within myself if I ever did this again.

[Trixis4kidz]

I've looked through all these responses and no one has been able to say why cheaters cheat.

 

Cheaters for lack of a better word cheat simply because it's in their nature too. Some men or women simply aren't ingrained to be monogamous. Sometimes they attempt to justify it by saying, I'm not happy or I wasn't thinking or it just happened or any excuse. It just that, an excuse.

 

The ONLY reason why we even think now that it's such a bad thing to cheat is due to religious indoctrination's of behavioral expectations. Just like lying is so bad. It's a commandment for crying out loud, yet people casually lie all the time.

 

Kudos to the few people who can go an entire relationship and I mean something twenty years or more with the same person and NEVER stray. This is not the norm it's an exception and that is the difference.

 

It's also a product of what is available. In other words options. If you live in a major city and have a life, hobbies, activities, social events and such - chances are greater that a person will cheat, vs. someone that lives in a small town and is a recluse. In today's society of internet relationships, television programming, sexuality in movies, it's easier than ever to be distracted and stray.

 

Bottom line - it's rarely personal towards the other person why someone cheats - its just they way they are.

[JamesM]

So adding the financial obligation makes it "real love"?

C'mon man, don't sound so foolish.

 

I said nothing about financial obligations, did I?

 

I treated my six year relationship as if it was a marriage

 

Good for you.

 

No piece of paper or church is going to change my views on the person I'm with.

 

Maybe not. Taking the step of marriage does add a greater commitment to any relationship. No matter how you view marriage, leaving it is much harder than leaving a non-contractual relationship. And by taking the step of marriage, one does show a greater commitment to a person than one who refuses to take that step...for whatever reason.

 

I think this is why we have a 50% and rising divorce rate in this country.

People look at this sh*t like a business proposition.

 

We have a greater divorce rate because people do not view a marriage as a long term commitment. Too many people enter into marriage thinking that if it doesn't work out, we can start over with someone else...instead of treating it as a commitment until death do us part.

[JamesM]

People that say "I would never cheat" are essentially acting like they're better than everyone else?

 

Where did you come up with that load of horses.hit?

 

Where did you get it from? Did I say it?

 

The f.ucking problem here and why is this so difficult? If someone is in a relationship and is tempted to cheat, grow a damn set of balls, open your mouth and tell them there's a problem. That's the problem with the world today. Everyone's a coward and everyone thinks sneaking around behind someone's back and lying is the solution to problems.

 

Agree. Communication is a key to keeping a happy marriage.

 

 

Cheating is a cowards game. And no. I could never and would never and WILL NEVER cheat. If you interpret this as me being "better than you" perhaps you should take a look at yourself and try to understand why you feel this way?

 

It is a coward's game and it is an avoidance of the problem. It is not an assertive way to find a solution. Personally, I don't feel that I am better than you or you better than me based on your opinions.

 

As for cheating, I know that I will do everything to prevent it happening to me, and I will do everything I can to prevent my wife from being emotionally disconnected from me. Prevention, boundaries, communication and commitment are all a good part of keeping a marriage healthy.

 

I don't know if you read the link I provided, but it gives good insights in how to keep a relationship healthy before or after an affair.

 

I know that you have been pained greatly, and I apologize if anything I say offends you.

[flitzanu]

this just got boring when it became "my relationship is more mature than yours because you've never been married".

 

regardless, cheating is still cheating, and all being said is semantics and rhetoric.

 

everyone has the potential to do anything; that's an illogical argument to force potential on someone saying it is "true".

 

it's really pretty simple, you cheat or you don't. there's no unknown mystery about it.

[JamesM]

So the only thing keeping the unhappy marriage together is the contract?

Simply because its going to be "stickier" or more work to get out of it.

 

That's no reason to stay in anything.

 

 

NO, it isn't a reason, but yet it IS a reason. Knowing that it is harder to get out of gives a person a reason to try once again to revive the marriage.

 

I can see that you and I have differing opinions. Yours comes from your life of a six year long term relationship. Mine come from 22 years of marriage. We will never reach an understanding.

 

I know without a doubt that cheating is harmful to all parties involved. It ruins families and lives. I also know that many people who cheat are not somehow different than you and I. Perhaps I would hate all cheaters and think of them as scumbags if I had been betrayed by someone. I can understand why you would. Yet having seen both sides on here, I know that ordinary people cheat and live to regret it. They don't look back with satisfaction at what they done. Their adultery lives with them. They regret not only what it does to others and them, but they lose respect for themselves as well.

 

People who cheat are not a different class of people. It is not simply in their natures and not in others. They are not scumbags. They are simply people like you and I. They crossed a line and can never return. Many never cheat again.

 

Why do they cheat? Are their partners at fault for the affair? Is a bad relationship part of the reason? Or is it all a character flaw?

 

And honestly, every situation is different.

 

A man that seeks sexual variety with one night stands and escorts cannot blame his wife, can he? I don't think so.

 

A woman who seeks comfort in the arms of a kind and compassionate man to make her life more bearable when she returns home to her drunken and abusive husband....can she be blamed when she fears for her life if she leaves? Did the abusive husband drive her into the arms of another man?

 

A man whose wife has no interest in sex and yet holds the "you will lose your children if you leave me" ultimatum over his head feels stuck...and then finds relief when confiding in a female coworker. Is he only to blame when this escalates into an affair?

 

Is it always cowardly to stay and cheat when your life may be threatened if you leave? Does it make you a scumbag when you have been pushed to the limits by someone who controls you emotionally and physically?

 

Can we always simply say that "all cheaters are scumbags" and "it is in their natures?"

 

I think not.

[JamesM]

this just got boring when it became "my relationship is more mature than yours because you've never been married".

 

Don't remember anyone saying that.

 

regardless, cheating is still cheating, and all being said is semantics and rhetoric.

 

Very true. The question is WHY do people cheat.

 

everyone has the potential to do anything; that's an illogical argument to force potential on someone saying it is "true".

 

It is not illogical but very true. And knowing that everyone does have the potential should make us do what we can to prevent it...both for ourselves and our wife.

 

it's really pretty simple, you cheat or you don't. there's no unknown mystery about it.

 

Correct...but what drives people to cheat? Is it a flaw? Is it in their natures? Or is it because they were emotionally weak at the time and did something that they themselves said they would never do? Is it because of a bad relationship?

 

Or is it all of the above.

[flitzanu]

 

 

 

Correct...but what drives people to cheat? Is it a flaw? Is it in their natures? Or is it because they were emotionally weak at the time and did something that they themselves said they would never do? Is it because of a bad relationship?

 

Or is it all of the above.

 

it's a choice, simple as that. you choose to do it or you choose not to do it. blameshifting it onto anything else is basically saying we have no free will to make our own decisions, right?

[ReadMyThread]

Man, you guys are really confusing me on why a cheater cheats lol.

 

I just keep telling myself, "He is better than me. She wasn't happy with me and is now happy with him. He makes her happy but if he hurts her, I won't be there. I'll never be there for her anymore. She never loved me. She played me. That ****ing bitch. How could she do this to me? Someone she "loved". She loves him now and will be with him while I have nobody. I can't believe she did this. I love her but it's time to let her go completely."

 

Is this healthy?

[Simon Phoenix]

Who cares why cheaters cheat? I don't. Once they cheat they are gone. Simple as that. The reasons why they do it are insignificant.

[Tree_Salmon]

Who cares why cheaters cheat? I don't. Once they cheat they are gone. Simple as that. The reasons why they do it are insignificant.

 

Amen.

 

I'll drink to that

[movingon12]

So the only thing keeping the unhappy marriage together is the contract?

Simply because its going to be "stickier" or more work to get out of it.

 

That's no reason to stay in anything.

 

It's not, in itself, a reason to stay, no. But the point I was trying to make was that ending a long term relationship and ending a marriage are not the same. Just because you 'treat your girlfriend like she's your wife', does not mean it's the same as being married (don't get more wrong, I'm not suggesting that you love her less, but being 'husband and wife' is not the same as 'boyfriend and girlfriend'.)

 

If I'm unhappy and its not fixable i'll leave.

Marriage shouldn't be a ticking time bomb.

 

I read once that 50% of husbands cheat on their wives whilst their wives are pregnant. No doubt the husbands are stressed, worried about the baby, frustrated that they can't be intimate with their wives anymore,.... but I'm sure you're not suggesting that these men should get a divorce?

 

Sex drives will fade, wives become preoccupied with children, husbands that once looked liked underwear models develop beer bellies and bald patches, spur of the moment, romantic getaways are impossible once kids are in the picture, you no longer stay awake all night talking about nothing and holding hands, the mystery goes - after 20 years you know your spouse better than they know themselves, you go through financial problems, unemployment, deaths in the family, serious illnesses....

 

All of these things will make you unhappy, possibly for years, and none of these things are 'fixable' - though some will get better and worse over time.

 

When you marry you make a commitment to stay with that person to the end. It's not a case of 'if I'm not happy I'll leave'. When you're married you don't leave, even when you are unhappy. You accept that there will be unhappy times and you do what you can to live through them. If you're saying 'If I'm not happy, I'll leave' - you're not treating your girlfriend as though she's your wife. You're treating her as though she's your girlfriend.

 

For some people, the only way they can live through the unhappy times is to get happiness from somewhere or someone else.

 

Should they cheat? No. But does it happen. A LOT? Yes. Is it, in itself, a reason to end a marriage? No. It's no worse than developing a gambling habit, becoming an alcoholic, quitting your well paid 9-5 job to become a dolphin trainer. These are all things that people do to survive the bad patches of a marriage.

 

Marrying someone means agreeing to forgive them no matter what they do (up to a point of course). Promising that you will never leave them, until you die. Literally.

[JamesM]

 

Marrying someone means agreeing to forgive them no matter what they do (up to a point of course). Promising that you will never leave them, until you die. Literally.

 

Good post with many excellent points.

 

Cheating does not necessarily equal divorce. Whether that happens is up to the couple or each person. Many cannot continue on, but many do...and have a better marriage.

 

"...up to a point of course." And you are the one to decide where that point is? Just - wow.

 

I don't think movingon is deciding who or when someone should stay or leave. I think it is about whether cheating means the end of a marriage. Up to a point can mean many things such as physical abuse or similar behavior. Cheating certainly can end a marriage and does and should, but this doesn't mean that it always must.

 

Read the link abut beyond the affair that I posted above. It not only addresses how to prevent affairs, but it also explains how to reconcile after affairs. There is no doubt that both spouses must be dedicated to making the marriage work. And both need to realize what caused the affair or contributed to the affair.

 

Cheating is caused by many events, choices and reasons, but as was said...it is still cheating. However, to reconcile and move on together, why it happened even if it is only the fault of the one who made the choice, is important for both parties. And if the two divorce, it is good to know what happened and why, so that each can move on in life and get into healthy relationships.

[Electric]

Its not that an easy question to answer I'd say... i am married for 4 years and being together with my H for 6! We had our ups and downs. We married when being 19. I always judged people who cheat. But I never put myself of their place. Until the time I started realising that this spark between me and my husband has gone. I would brag about my appearance- I will say I kind of woman who gets modelling jobs, with a lot of men turning their heads around when I pass. Obviously in my mind- I expected that to last from my husband as well. But we all know people get used to each other.. and this passion can't last. But I crave that affection and this attention from men. It might be sick- i don't know. I am only 23, and I feel like my sex life has ended.

 

I would rather not tell the story I am involved in. But all I can say is that my mind is completely fogged. Its all wrong. I know that. But now I do understand what motivates those who cheat. Unfortunately. I don't wanna lie, but I don't wanna break anyones hart by leaving... I am lost. I feel really ashamed of my actions, but the damn thing is that my mind tells me: 4get about it, and do what you want. Its like a pure evil inside me, who is even happy to accept the fact that cheater are horrible people, betrayals, just to pursue the obsession. And I am weak to stop it. I am realizing that I don't deserve my husband. But I also know that i'll break his heart if I leave. I don't know what to do. He should've left me long time ago, knowing that I am an attention freak...

[movingon12]

"...up to a point of course." And you are the one to decide where that point is? Just - wow.

 

Are you suggesting that someone else should decide for me which sins I should forgive in my own marriage? That is a very strange approach to take. I'm sure many violent husbands would expect their wives to tolerate being beaten - does that mean that the wives should forgive them?

[Viper1]

There's a lot of wisdom there.

 

Just as a few hundred years ago, the knowledge we had about the universe was primitive. Advances in neurochemistry, genetics, neurophysiology, and cognitive psychology have begun to allow us to see that sexual attraction is far more complex and a dicier business than we could have ever imagined.

 

Get this:

 

Researchers have known that men put out two primary sexual hormones: testesterone and andesterone.

 

Women, it seems, fall into three categories: they don't have the olfactory receptors to pick up the scent of andesterone as a pheramone; they do have it and perceive it as an intoxicating scent (almost like vanilla), or they have

the receptors that make andesterone smell like urine.

 

I'm not kidding.

 

We've been lead to believe it was all physiological and behavioral: if a woman liked the way a man looked and acted (and if he had the intangibles which would suggest he was a good mate--i.e., father, provider, etc) he made the cut as a potential marital partner.

 

Not so quick.

 

You could look like Brad Pitt, have the morals of the Dali Lama, the money of Bill Gates, the intelligence of Steven Hawking, you could approach her, and she could still blow you off.

 

Why?

 

Because, she got a faint whiff of something that smelled like an alley off of 42nd street that homeless people used as a Rent-A-John.

 

That is so liberating. When I would get tagged by a woman I'd always slink away thinking I wasn't tall enough, good looking enough, or a budding Casanova.

 

Now, I can rationalize and say, "No worries. I AM irresistably sexy. I just smell like urine to her and there's nothing I can do about it."

 

I wonder if that explains the "blindside-breakup". A guy is fastidious, well-groomed, and the scent of Ralph Lauren cologne hangs about him like you're hiking through a magnificent pine forest in the Alps.

 

One day he's running late from the gym, realizes he left his Polo cologne home, meets his woman for dinner, they snuggle up on the coach later, and she suddenly backs off and says she has to get up early. The next day she tells him it's over. Her best friend says, "It wasn't up to me to tell you but the guy always smelled like a litter box to me."

 

Sexuality is such a mysterious thing!

[mishy]

There's a lot of wisdom there.

 

Just as a few hundred years ago, the knowledge we had about the universe was primitive. Advances in neurochemistry, genetics, neurophysiology, and cognitive psychology have begun to allow us to see that sexual attraction is far more complex and a dicier business than we could have ever imagined.

 

Get this:

 

Researchers have known that men put out two primary sexual hormones: testesterone and andesterone.

 

Women, it seems, fall into three categories: they don't have the olfactory receptors to pick up the scent of andesterone as a pheramone; they do have it and perceive it as an intoxicating scent (almost like vanilla), or they have

the receptors that make andesterone smell like urine.

 

I'm not kidding.

 

We've been lead to believe it was all physiological and behavioral: if a woman liked the way a man looked and acted (and if he had the intangibles which would suggest he was a good mate--i.e., father, provider, etc) he made the cut as a potential marital partner.

 

Not so quick.

 

You could look like Brad Pitt, have the morals of the Dali Lama, the money of Bill Gates, the intelligence of Steven Hawking, you could approach her, and she could still blow you off.

 

Why?

 

Because, she got a faint whiff of something that smelled like an alley off of 42nd street that homeless people used as a Rent-A-John.

 

That is so liberating. When I would get tagged by a woman I'd always slink away thinking I wasn't tall enough, good looking enough, or a budding Casanova.

 

Now, I can rationalize and say, "No worries. I AM irresistably sexy. I just smell like urine to her and there's nothing I can do about it."

 

I wonder if that explains the "blindside-breakup". A guy is fastidious, well-groomed, and the scent of Ralph Lauren cologne hangs about him like you're hiking through a magnificent pine forest in the Alps.

 

One day he's running late from the gym, realizes he left his Polo cologne home, meets his woman for dinner, they snuggle up on the coach later, and she suddenly backs off and says she has to get up early. The next day she tells him it's over. Her best friend says, "It wasn't up to me to tell you but the guy always smelled like a litter box to me."

 

Sexuality is such a mysterious thing!

 

 

i met this guy years ago and now i know what that smell was!!! Since then i have met a couple wjop have smelled teh same. Its a sickly smell and makes you want to run