ManWithNoName Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 I am grateful to have discovered this forum while trying to seek advice about my relationship. This is my first post here. I would appreciate any help/advice that you may have to offer. Here is my situation. So me and my SO have been dating for over two years now. The relationship began during high school but then when it came time for college we went to different schools, resulting in a long distance relationship. Its been about a year and a half doing the whole long distance thing. The problems started in January of this year when I found out that she went on a trip to see another friend with two other guys. She did not tell me about this incident. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was unpacking and I asked unpacking for what and then she told me. Trust was broken then. She had spent the weekend and a car ride alone with two single guys and hid it from me. I broke up with her. Time passes and we get this behind us but still continue to argue. A few months later I see a picture of her at one of the guys she went on the trip with so I asked her about it and after questioning her I found out that she had been lying for months that she had been going to his apartment. She said she didn't tell me because I "freak out" when she hangs out with him and that he's only a friend and so on. Well she ends up turning the whole situation on me that it was my fault and stuff. She ended up promising that she would never lie to me again. Well then this August when the new school year started one of her old crushes started going to her school. Well at about the same time the guy she had first been lying to me about came out the closet so I felt a little relieved and felt better about them hanging out. So she would tell me she's hanging out with the gay guy so a little later I ask what she's doing and find out she alone with her old crush and she claimed that she sent me a message telling me that. Later found out she was lying. Then the following week or so she goes out clubbing with her old crush, another guy, and two female friends and ends up blacking out and not remembering most of the night. But she didn't tell me she was going out and when I asked her if she did she said no, but she later admitted she did. I have never lied to her and I think its so pathetic to lie to someone especially if you're in a serious relationship. She said she wouldn't like it if I lied to her but yet she feels no remorse that she lied to me. If I had female friends and did what she did to me she would go crazy, but yet she thinks its okay if she does it. I just don't know anymore. I get so jealous and I do get angry when she's alone with guys (excluding the gay one) and goes to the club. I feel that a club isn't a place for a female who is supposed to be in a relationship. I also feel that being alone with a guy shouldn't happen either. I love her so much and its hard to toss away over two years. This is both of our first relationships. I don't have the dating experience to know what to do. I want to make things work but I feel like I'm putting more into this relationship than I'm getting back. I'm being truthful and faithful and this is what I get in return? I've been feeling distant lately and just not sure what to think or do about this relationship. I don't want to break things up and miss out on a future with her but at the same time don't want to continue getting hurt and maybe miss a better opportunity that is out there all while juggling this being my first relationship and my first love. Sorry for the long story, but anyone who is willing to take the time to give any piece of advice I will greatly appreciate it. Thank you.
dasein Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Welcome to the forum. Sorry you are experiencing this. These lies will likely get worse over time. People who lie to their SO and do the kinds of things she does are stating that they don't respect their SO or the relationship. Also, just because a guy recently supposedly came out, doesn't mean much. Sex can still go on between women and gay men, especially before and after coming out, have seen it among gay friends and women who become attracted to them. I had a GF with many gay friends in the past, and it became apparent that she was both physically and emotionally involved with one of them in retrospect. Moreover how do you know about him coming out of the closet? If from her, why couldn't she lie about this too? And she is unrepentant about the lying? but promises not to do it again, then does? Sorry to say, you are better off without a liar in your life. Marriage or even spending more time with someone like this would bring you misery. Life is too short. Good luck.
sabre80 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 "I blacked out and don't remember most of the night." Translation I am establishing an (albeit poor one) excuse of being really drunk. That way when you find out I had sex with other guy(s), I can blame it on the alcohol. She is establishing a pattern of lying to you. Regardless of fidelity, she is not a worthy person.
Treasa Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 She sounds like a liar, but you sound a little controlling. I don't think there's anything wrong with going to clubs even if you're in a relationship, for example. It's all about how you act at the club. Given how much she's lied, though, you'll probably always have trouble believing her.
pbjbear Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 There is nothing wrong with going clubs...but there is nothing wrong with you preferring to be with a girl that doesnt do this. Sounds like you arent compatible that way. You are young- rest assured youll find a woman who doesnt go clubbing and who wont lie. You may not want to hear that, I remember what i was like with the first man I got involved with around your age and I didnt want to hear about other men, but you have better options out there for you. College is a great time to meet people.
newmoon Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 lying to your partner is a really bad sign and indicative of disrespect for the relationship and the other person. it sounds like perhaps she isn't maturing like you are and that your desire for a faithful/honest relationship isn't matching her party/club college lifestyle. perhaps this is just a case of the two of you growing apart rather than together. if you truly care for her you can tell her that her lies/behavior is bothersome and that you'd like to see some changes going forward. and, if that doesn't happen... it'll be time for you to move on. don't build a future with a liar :-)
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