My girlfriend is being impossible to break up with!

[blueline]

I have tried to dump my live-in girlfriend of a year once now. It resulted in her exiting a moving vehicle and screaming and crying. She went on down on her knees in the middle of a city and completely begged me to stay with her. I told her that I shouldn't be with her anymore because she isn't aroused enough by me to enjoy sex with me anymore. I feel like she's having sex with me just to keep me happy. When we have sex, she looks like she is in pain, her nipples no longer become hard like they used to months ago, and she doesn't get aroused very easily anymore at all (only gets barely aroused from oral). As a result, the passion of the relationship entirely died but we became even closer as friends.

 

Yes, the only reason I want to dump her is because the sex is gone and that affects everything in a relationship believe it or not - your girlfriend will start to become bitter about not having the sex life she wants and start treating you like less of a man as a result. However, I'm her only friend in this town and she is my only friend. I absolutely love this woman as a person (our personalities are so damn similar). I wish she was capable of loving me as more than a friend again but the sex just plain indicates that she doesn't see me that way anymore (we have tried everything, the passion is just gone for her).

 

When we were breaking up the first time, I was trying to be as logical and reasonable as possible. I explained to her that she was hurting me and that she deserved a man that could make her happy in bed. She reacted so emotionally that I felt terrible. She had absolutely zero understanding of how being with someone just to have company during a stressful time in your life is a terrible thing to do.

 

I don't want to have the angry breakup with her. I want her to be understanding of this and most importantly just let me go. However, I'd still like to be friends with her later on. I feel like the only way I'm going to be able to leave her is by finding another place to live at (forget letting her find a roommate while I still live with her - she is helpless in that area) and moving my stuff out while she is visiting her family.

 

I CANNOT understand why she can't just find a new boyfriend - she is fairly cute and extremely interesting to talk to (what else do you need for guys??). Yes, neither of us will have anybody else in our lives, but that's better than being in a passionless relationship. I shouldn't feel guilty about this and she doesn't deserve anything from me. Keeping me in a relationship like this is extremely selfish, no? Other breakups in my life have been so much easier than this (the girl gets upset and I walk out of her apartment). I'm so freaking fed up with coming back to my apartment and seeing this girl look like she is totally sick of seeing me there yet clinging desperately. What is the point of that?

Edited November 27, 2012 by blueline

[mammasita]

Well, you do live together, therefore making this more difficult than just breaking up and walking out.

 

Is the place in your name? her name? both?

 

I understand your reason for wanting to break up, but have you tried anything to spice up your sex life?

[blueline]

Well, you do live together, therefore making this more difficult than just breaking up and walking out.

 

Is the place in your name? her name? both?

 

I understand your reason for wanting to break up, but have you tried anything to spice up your sex life?

 

What can you do to spice up your sex life? I love giving girls oral (seriously nothing turns me on more) and do lots of foreplay. I've been told that's what girls want besides the prerequisite looks they are attracted to (she was definitely very attracted by my appearance at one point - the sex was crazy and at least a few times a day).

 

The only thing that happened between the first 5-6 months of the relationship and now that could've negatively affected sex was that she got a chronic, recurrent yeast infection for 3 months. That's exactly when the sex started going downhill, and understandably, sex does indeed cause pain when you have a bad yeast infection. I avoided having sex with her during the yeast infection. I got a yeast infection, too, and I'm getting circumcised soon as a result.

 

Since I tried to dump her, the sex dwindled down to basically once or twice a week. She gives me oral sex to hold me over, but I just want her to want me. That's all a girlfriend needs to do for me.

 

The place is in both of our names. I have to give the landlord two months notice before leaving. I absolutely do not want to be in the apartment after that point, but then I have to pay for two rents simultaneously (my former and future apartment) because my girlfriend lost her attraction to me. I can't afford to do that (part time job, full time graduate student). If we were having consistent sex the three months before I moved in (we couldn't have due to her yeast infection) and she was this unaroused by me, I would've never moved in to begin with.

Edited November 27, 2012 by blueline

[mammasita]

Has she considered talking to a counselor? I can definitely understand how a yeast infection lasting 3 months could kill her sex drive.

 

So aside from oral have you ever asked her what turns her on?

 

From what I'm reading I think this can be worked out. You love her, she loves you....you guys just need to reignite that spark......and to do that you need to talk.

[blueline]

Living with her post-breakup would be awful - both of us would be miserable simultaneously and she'd try to get back with me repeatedly. The last time she was dumped, she tried to kill herself two months after being dumped.

 

So yes, I royally screwed myself over by living with this girl. It was outrageously idiotic of me. Of course, 6 months into the relationship, I was a dumbass and thought this was going to be the girl for me. I didn't realize that good sex (i.e. mutual physical attraction) was so absolutely critical in relationships as most of my experience with women is in casual sex.

[CarrieT]

Stop having sex with her.

 

If you REALLY want to end the relationship, then you have to show her it is 100% completely over and that means no more intimacy. Otherwise you are throwing her breadcrumbs.

[blueline]

Has she considered talking to a counselor? I can definitely understand how a yeast infection lasting 3 months could kill her sex drive.

 

So aside from oral have you ever asked her what turns her on?

 

From what I'm reading I think this can be worked out. You love her, she loves you....you guys just need to reignite that spark......and to do that you need to talk.

 

Yeah, I have. She said she doesn't know. She really, really used to like sex. Then everything became painful for her during sex, so I thought the problem was me. In the beginning of this painful sex period, she tried to have sex with me daily and it just felt sore to her. She was really wet down there, but everything felt itchy and penetration was painful (even for me!). Even though the yeast has now been gone for nearly 3 months, she still feels as much pain as before during penetration and seems to resist my movement. I feel really, really rejected.

 

I told her it was probably vaginismus and that there are ways to treat it, but she didn't do anything proactive.

[Balzac]

Can she financially support the apt by herself?

Is this university housing as in landlord registers w uni?

Can you find a person to sublet?

 

Is your GF also a grad student?

[blueline]

Can she financially support the apt by herself?

Is this university housing as in landlord registers w uni?

Can you find a person to sublet?

 

Is your GF also a grad student?

 

Ah, I forgot about subleting. She has asperger's syndrome, so a new roommate would drive her nuts but that would be her problem.

 

This isn't university housing and we are both grad students.

 

GF's family is very comfortably upper middle class (4br/3bath beach house with elevator and a massive luxury home), they could afford it. It's too bad because they're great people but their daughter doesn't seem to like me in that way anymore despite still loving me as a person.

Edited November 27, 2012 by blueline

[mammasita]

Ah, I forgot about subleting. She has asperger's syndrome, so a new roommate would drive her nuts but that would be her problem.

 

This isn't university housing and we are both grad students.

 

GF's family is very comfortably upper middle class (4br/3bath beach house with elevator and a massive luxury home), they could afford it. It's too bad because they're great people but their daughter doesn't seem to like me in that way anymore despite still loving me as a person.

I don't know if I agree that she isn't attracted to you and doesnt like sex with you. Its a medical issue thats turned into a mental block because of her yeast infection.

 

I dont know if anyone asked this above, but why cant she move out? Maybe you have to get mean?

[Balzac]

In your situation I'd be searching for a shared apt at least short term

Room to rent or room in campus grad housing.

 

I do not see a peaceful, happy resolution to this relationship. Her parents know her history. You cannot fix this girl.

[blueline]

I don't know if I agree that she isn't attracted to you and doesnt like sex with you. Its a medical issue thats turned into a mental block because of her yeast infection.

 

I dont know if anyone asked this above, but why cant she move out? Maybe you have to get mean?

 

First part: Yeah, I think that has some validity to it, but she has had 3 months to do something about it (I told her she has vaginismus due to yeast!). All she does is cry during sex because she's upset that it hurts for her because she knows I get upset over not being able to make her feel good, then we have a huge fight, I tell her I can't take it anymore, and then I go to sleep. The next day, we pretend it didn't happen and we avoid having sex for a while.

 

I really have wanted to believe it's vaginismus. I believe her when she says she loves me - she has sacrificed a great deal for me in the 1.5 yrs we've known each other (we were friends before dating). I nearly died from a flu (I would've died if she didn't force me to go the hospital) and was hospital ridden for a couple weeks and she pretty much slept by my side for that time even though the hospital was far away. She bought me a dog. She says she wants to have my kids when I finish my program in a year. She has been very good to me in all other aspects besides enjoying me sexually for the last 6 months.

 

I would have to get mean with her and I have a hard time doing it.

Edited November 27, 2012 by blueline

[Balzac]

Contemplate giving your two month notice. Be out if the shared apt ASAP

She'll no doubt be visiting her folks at the end of term break and can discuss her finances.

 

The worst case is you get a claim in small court for the two months of rental expense. That requires action and time.

 

How are you able to focus on your class/research with this drama?

She has to work out her own health issues.

 

Are you close with her family? Know her dad very well? Is he a professional?

[blueline]

Contemplate giving your two month notice. Be out if the shared apt ASAP

She'll no doubt be visiting her folks at the end of term break and can discuss her finances.

 

The worst case is you get a claim in small court for the two months of rental expense. That requires action and time.

 

How are you able to focus on your class/research with this drama?

She has to work out her own health issues.

 

Are you close with her family? Know her dad very well? Is he a professional?

 

Yeah, I'm pretty close with her family. I spent most of last week with them for thanksgiving (clearly, I am being patient with this girl if I'm willing to spend thanksgiving with her family). Both of her parents are very successful professionals. Her mom is aware of her mental illness but denies it even though it is obvious she has asperger's. I wouldn't have been so patient trying to date her if I didn't immediately recognize she had asperger's (I'm a behavior analyst - I get paid to treat autism) and knew exactly what to do to make her comfortable with me.

 

I have a HARD time concentrating on school work right now. I got on zoloft as a result.

[Balzac]

I'd think her folks underwrite or fully pay her expenses. If that's the case, two months+ of full lease payments should be no burden. Every family's benevolence during grad school varies.

 

I am laughing a bit at your professional focus, not at you. I could have almost guessed it.

 

I'm not seeing how you'll struggle through after end of year break.

You already know that or you wouldn't be here venting and seeking a strategy.

I feel your pain.

[CptSaveAho]

Just end the torture you are putting on yourself and her

 

End the relationship so you both can move forward... stop overationalizing what ifs posted by people... just do it

[blueline]

I'd think her folks underwrite or fully pay her expenses. If that's the case, two months+ of full lease payments should be no burden. Every family's benevolence during grad school varies.

 

I am laughing a bit at your professional focus, not at you. I could have almost guessed it.

 

I'm not seeing how you'll struggle through after end of year break.

You already know that or you wouldn't be here venting and seeking a strategy.

I feel your pain.

 

lol, because i diagnosed her with asperger's?

 

I'd think her folks underwrite or fully pay her expenses. If that's the case, two months+ of full lease payments should be no burden. Every family's benevolence during grad school varies.

 

I am laughing a bit at your professional focus, not at you. I could have almost guessed it.

 

I'm not seeing how you'll struggle through after end of year break.

You already know that or you wouldn't be here venting and seeking a strategy.

I feel your pain.

 

lol, because i diagnosed her with asperger's?

 

After the end of year break, I will not be in this relationship unless something changes or that things start moving in the direction of change. My male logic dictates that painful sex=end of relationship.

 

If she didn't have Asperger's Syndrome, she would've sought out another man by this point, but since she is so poorly attuned socially, she doesn't think she is capable of meeting one, so she clings to me. People just make her very, very uncomfortable (she's stated she hates people more times than I can count) and I can see how even a pretty girl (you'd never know she has a good figure because her clothes are all terrible and her hair is cut in such a way that she can cover her face when she is nervous) like her would fare very poorly in the dating world.

 

The first time I met her and my classmates, this guy said, "Oh God, I NEVER want to work with her - she is so bizarre." The first time she hung out with the girls in the program, she freely shared with them, as she does with anybody new, that her mom forced her to get a rhinoplasty and cosmetic jaw surgery. She also told them that she comes from money (lol) and then went on a tirade about cats and neuroscience (two things I love) without really engaging in reciprocal conversation. The girls then started teasing her behind her back viciously and I kinda just fell for her immediately. They all left the restaurant early and it was just me and her talking for five hours about behaviorism, literature, and animals. I found it bizarre how she ended up in applied behavior analysis because it was immediately apparent she had autism, but she was a lot of fun and I felt very attracted to her awkward energeticness, so I tried to kiss her. Even though I could tell she was very attracted to me, she recoiled and started saying "sorry sorry I'm awkward I'm so awkward" repeatedly.

 

I didn't try anything more with her for 5 months, but we spent pretty much every weekend for the last two months hanging out together. She'd smoke pot at my place, crash on my couch sometimes, and we'd play video games and talk about life. There was nothing remotely sexual about it and I was dating another girl off and on throughout it. One night after that other girl dumped me to date a stupendously wealthy guy, so I was feeling like crap. My future GF came over and very shyly told me she was really attracted to me from the beginning. She said she didn't trust guys and thought I was going to hurt her like her last boyfriend did, and that people make her physically uncomfortable to touch until she really knows them. We went from absolute avoidance of physical contact to sex within a couple minutes. Some women scream during sex, yes, but they don't scream at the same volume like they are on a rollercoaster or as if they saw the ghost of Hitler - she did. It began as soon as I entered her and I was startled. I liked my new girlfriend and was definitely on the way to falling in love. While my friends all thought the other girl was so cool and hot, I thought my new girlfriend was oddly attractive and much more on my wavelength conversationally.

 

Once we started dating and my classmates found out, I was labeled as a freak, a weirdo, and a really patient guy they felt bad for. Ironically, they all work in my field. My mom, a researcher in autism, yelled at me for dating her and told me I was going to destroy my future if we have kids because autism runs in my family, too. A professor that hated me in my program all of the sudden displayed a kind of sympathy for me. So much for psychologists being sensitive and sympathetic towards people with autism.

 

 

 

I just can't imagine marrying a girl that cries from pain during sex, though. And yeah, I can see this leading to marriage if I don't leave. Her mom was asking if I we were thinking of getting married last week and I said "yeah, it's a possibility." I can try to be sensitive and work vaginismus and asperger's into this, but at the end of the day, a girl that isn't attracted to you will generally stay not attracted to you. Do I want to have a horrible, sexless relationship where I am becoming more and more agitated by my girlfriend not being into me everyday? Nah.

Edited November 27, 2012 by blueline

[Balzac]

That pretty much spells it out.

Your only real issue is housing.

[blueline]

That pretty much spells it out.

Your only real issue is housing.

 

Yeah, basically.

 

It's going to be such a pain in the ass getting away from someone with a mental disability. She is dependent on me for everything from depositing her paychecks to socializing to turning in homework on time. I guess I won't have to reprimand someone for farting or belching in public again. That's good.

 

Her life is gonna fall apart, her mom can't come and save her now that she is 3 hours away from home. She might have an IQ of 140, but she's a 25 year old child in so many independent living skills aspects. Her mom totally unintentionally screwed up her life by sneaking her into an applied behavior analysis MS program. She keeps talking about life being only reproduction and death. After I tried dumping her, she says she wants to die and breaks down into tears for no reason, which is not something that happened a year ago. I'll go to work at 10:30am on Sunday and she'll be nearly catatonic in the same position on the couch. She also swerved her car into the opposite lane a few times when I tried dumping her and I had to physically remove her arms from the wheel so we didn't hit oncoming traffic.

 

I guess I'll just warn mom in advance and turn off my phone for a few days when the semester is over. She talks about dying so god damn much now and she legitimately tried to kill herself when her last boyfriend dumped her two months after the breakup. I think she's gonna need to spend sometime in a hospital.

Edited November 27, 2012 by blueline

[Balzac]

In patient is always the preferred and her family can self pay. As you know inpatient now is very brief stays.

 

All of your assessment is spot on and predictable. You cannot over function for her and save yourself. You know this.

 

Is her dad not in the loop? Her mom knows, she's been relying on your over functioning to keep her denial. You and I both know what a 72 hour hold is.

Maybe her family would rather hear it from you. Hard to say.

 

I feel your pain.

[stillafool]

Take CarrieT's advice and STOP having sex with her if you want to break up. Is there a reason why you can't just move out?

[Balzac]

"Ijust can't imagine marrying a girl that cries from pain during sex, though. And yeah, I can see this leading to marriage if I don't leave. Her mom was asking if I we were thinking of getting married last week and I said "yeah, it's a possibility." I can try to be sensitive and work vaginismus and asperger's into this, but at the end of the day, a girl that isn't attracted to you will generally stay not attracted to you. Do I want to have a horrible, sexless relationship where I am becoming more and more agitated by my girlfriend not being into me everyday? Nah."

 

In all honesty, after reading your story, putting the focus on vaginismus seems off target. There is so much else that prohibits her from normal participation in an adult, romantic, intimate relationship. Loss of the sex was the final deal breaker.

 

Surely you must have been questioning your desire and willingness to parent her. Your willingness to engage in a nearly one sided romance. You've awakened to the reality of the topic of marriage and now you need to remove yourself. That's logical and understandable. You must now find it within yourself to stay out of her logical consequences. When you walk away, her need for you must be transferred to her parents & professional counselors. How will you replace the time and effort care taking required? That's very much your task now. It's not going to be easy. She's in your dept IIRC.

Edited November 28, 2012 by Balzac
You need support for yourself. This issue is huge.

[blueline]

"Ijust can't imagine marrying a girl that cries from pain during sex, though. And yeah, I can see this leading to marriage if I don't leave. Her mom was asking if I we were thinking of getting married last week and I said "yeah, it's a possibility." I can try to be sensitive and work vaginismus and asperger's into this, but at the end of the day, a girl that isn't attracted to you will generally stay not attracted to you. Do I want to have a horrible, sexless relationship where I am becoming more and more agitated by my girlfriend not being into me everyday? Nah."

 

In all honesty, after reading your story, putting the focus on vaginismus seems off target. There is so much else that prohibits her from normal participation in an adult, romantic, intimate relationship. Loss of the sex was the final deal breaker.

 

Surely you must have been questioning your desire and willingness to parent her. Your willingness to engage in a nearly one sided romance. You've awakened to the reality of the topic of marriage and now you need to remove yourself. That's logical and understandable. You must now find it within yourself to stay out of her logical consequences. When you walk away, her need for you must be transferred to her parents & professional counselors. How will you replace the time and effort care taking required? That's very much your task now. It's not going to be easy. She's in your dept IIRC.

 

Wow, you get it.

 

I talked with her about the possibility of things not working out yesterday and she said she would probably drop out of her program if I did leave her. I think dropping out is going to happen, anyway. Someone with autism will not be trusted to treat people with autism no matter how knowledgeable they are - that's just how parents and clinicians work. I would be shocked if she got her internship approved by a professor that suggested she try a different field and refused to approve an internship this semester.

 

Furthermore, she was saying she hates meeting new people and hates it when her client verbally insults her. From that alone, I can tell it isn't going to work out for her (all of my clients past and present have either verbally or physically attacked me at some point or another) and she is realizing she needs to find different work. She might just end up dropping out at the end of the semester and move back to her home state where she actually does have a decent sized group of friends (mostly science graduate students that have hints of asperger's themselves) that accept her. I will know very soon if she wants to continue - her job is causing her so much depression that I don't think she can psychologically handle it anymore.