BS .. I need to understand what im doing to you

[TheOW]

Do you know how many people kill themselves after finding out their partner was cheating on them?

If dismissing what other people tells you they are feeling makes you feel better about what you have done... it is up to you but please don't come here to tell US, the people who have been deceived what is what we are feeling and how other things are worse that what we are suffering... you don't have the right to do that... you don't know what we feel so don't you dare to tell us how it is better than anything else....

 

 

Dont you dare come on here and say what I had done was to the same level as a child molestor. I will not be compared to that regardless of what you think

[TheOW]

TOW

 

You are showing a lot of character. I am very proud of you!

 

Just remember that your lack of love for your H likely started when your heart fell for the OM.

 

In any event you are an amazing woman for having the courage to stop this madness.

 

Thanks Pierre - but truthfully my lack of love fell years ago for H but you could be right in saying this A has heightened it for me. I tried to walk away from H years ago but i felt really guilty for hurting his feelings and decided to try again for his sake. That is where I went wrong and that is most likely why i ended up having an A. I do love him but as the old cliche goes "im not in love with him" and i am doing nobody any favours especially my kids by staying in this relationship.

[TheOW]

Actually you can. I've been raped and I've been a BS...being victimized by one you love and trust has been, for me, much more difficult. It was the rape of my soul.

 

 

You have a valid point there but i will still not be compared to a child molester.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Dont you dare come on here and say what I had done was to the same level as a child molestor. I will not be compared to that regardless of what you think

 

Sorry that you can't take it but yes, a lot of people view what you did to be that bad. It is a fact. You can't change what people think of you.

[TheOW]

Sorry that you can't take it but yes, a lot of people view what you did to be that bad. It is a fact. You can't change what people think of you.

 

 

So ur child was molested and ur husband/wife had an affair .... And people would think that the affair was worse ?

 

Yeah ok then if you believe that then you are sick because that is what initially is being said here.

[meandmyself]

So ur child was molested and ur husband/wife had an affair .... And people would think that the affair was worse ?

 

Yeah ok then if you believe that then you are sick because that is what initially is being said here.

 

Now you are bringing it to another level... if my child would be molested (that would be the worse thing that could happen... as bad as he would be cheated on when he becomes on age to have a family) but that is because it is my child... It is not about me anymore...

When you put the things in proper perspective... I would have prefer to be molested as child than being cheated on.. period.. it is my feeling and what ever you say it is just your own opinion, as cangetoveritNY just said you can't change what other people think about you...

[karacan]

Love is a choice.

I dont agree with this statement. Like George Straight said. You can lead a heart to love but you cant make it fall.

[waterwoman]

theOW - FWIW I have never been raped but if I had I suspect that would feel worse, to me, than what OW and H. Sorry you're feeling so upset by the comparison - I think i would too

[Ninja'sHusband]

You have a valid point there but i will still not be compared to a child molester.

I view adulterers as every bit as dangerous as a child molester. They destroy entire families, sometimes 2 at a time. That's one of the worst things you can do to my child, breaking up our home. I view people that are capable of such actions as incredibly dangerous and I view people that aid them in keep the secrecy as enemies of the family institution. Affairs thrive on secrecy, like any other form of abuse. Not to mention putting the BS's life at risk with STDs or years of paying alimony if the M doesn't last.

 

I dont agree with this statement. Like George Straight said. You can lead a heart to love but you cant make it fall.

Love can be a choice. You can choose to overlook flaws, you can work with them in counseling, you can love them for God's sake, or for your children's sake. I really am growing to hate the idea of "soul mates" or "destined love". I think it's so dangerous when people finally wake up to reality in the middle of a long term marriage...people aren't perfect. You marry, make a commitment and make it work. Of course there are limits to what one should put up with...but if you are going to leave, do it the honest way. At least that way there's no sabotage and there's some chance of repair when the person being left realizes what's happening.

 

Dont you dare come on here and say what I had done was to the same level as a child molestor. I will not be compared to that regardless of what you think

Just back tracked and saw this. Wow, and you believe you know the pain of the betrayed? Didn't you come here with a question? Don't like the answer eh?

 

I once had a call with Steve Harley and he asked me a question. "Wouldn't you rather your wife have a nice quiet lunch with 1)the OM or 2) the man who raped your child" I couldn't answer. He said almost every BS chooses #2 or isn't sure. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes...

 

And yes, I was definitely suicidal for a brief period there. Thankfully I didn't do it. Some people do.

Edited December 3, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[TheOW]

It is likely you never truly loved this man at age 17.

 

As the old cliche says. You must love yourself before being able to love anyone else. What that really means is the you must learn how to be happy on your own.

 

 

And that Pierre is what i intend to do

[CarboniteCammy]

I feel like when I read these posts that for the OW, quitting the affair is like quitting smoking: you just have to WANT to do it.

 

You know you're hurting yourself in the long run. You know you're hurting other people. But, the addiction is so strong that all you want is right here right now and that becomes the reality.

 

When you're ready to quit, then you will.

 

How many smokers know they'll get cancer if they continue? Everyone of them.

 

You don't NEED other people to tell you how much damage your actions cause. You already know that.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I view adulterers as every bit as dangerous as a child molester. They destroy entire families, sometimes 2 at a time. That's one of the worst things you can do to my child, breaking up our home.

 

Didn't you come here with a question? Don't like the answer eh?

 

 

How very true. Be careful what you ask for. The truth is not always easy or pleasant to know.

 

I suspect the OP wanted to hear that what she did was not all that bad as long as she was sorry about it. It does help. But it does not change the fact it was a really bad thing.

[KathyM]

I think it helps to read what the BS may be experiencing. It helps to build empathy. I think, a lot of times in affairs, the OW blocks out or disassociates her thinking from the consequences of her actions to the BS and the BS's family, because that makes it easier to continue the affair if the OW blocks out her empathy for the BS. This is an empathy-building thread, where the OP is trying to garner strength to stay away from a MM by developing empathy for the BS. I think that makes sense as a way to understand the consequences of your actions. That's why there are some treatment groups of criminals that involve bringing in victims to explain the effect a similar crime had on them. It helps the perpetrators to develop empathy with the victim. Most of the time, people who do things like rape women don't have empathy for them and they think of their victim as an object and non human. That thinking allows them to continue without remorse. Providing them with testimonies from victims of a similar crime helps them to develop empathy and see the consequences of their actions on others, and it is often quite effective in deterring future criminal behavior. This thread is similar in the way that it helps the OW to empathize, who may have mentally blocked out the consequences of her actions in order to continue the affair.

[meandmyself]

I think it helps to read what the BS may be experiencing. It helps to build empathy. I think, a lot of times in affairs, the OW blocks out or disassociates her thinking from the consequences of her actions to the BS and the BS's family, because that makes it easier to continue the affair if the OW blocks out her empathy for the BS. This is an empathy-building thread, where the OP is trying to garner strength to stay away from a MM by developing empathy for the BS. I think that makes sense as a way to understand the consequences of your actions. That's why there are some treatment groups of criminals that involve bringing in victims to explain the effect a similar crime had on them. It helps the perpetrators to develop empathy with the victim. Most of the time, people who do things like rape women don't have empathy for them and they think of their victim as an object and non human. That thinking allows them to continue without remorse. Providing them with testimonies from victims of a similar crime helps them to develop empathy and see the consequences of their actions on others, and it is often quite effective in deterring future criminal behavior. This thread is similar in the way that it helps the OW to empathize, who may have mentally blocked out the consequences of her actions in order to continue the affair.

 

I agree but I guess the criminals don't question the feelings of the victims when those are talking... that is exactly what the OP is doing here... She ask how do we feel and when we tell her she doesn't like the outcome and backfire to us... That is not exactly developing empathy...

[TheOW]

And again for the record myself and MM are no longer, number has been changed, email address deleted only contact we will have will be a "hi" while walking past each other.

 

To those of you who are comparing me to a child molester i think you need a long hard look at yourselves I think that is an absolutely disgusting thing to say to someone who asked for help. I will not comment any further on your extremist views.

[Ninja'sHusband]

And again for the record myself and MM are no longer, number has been changed, email address deleted only contact we will have will be a "hi" while walking past each other.

 

To those of you who are comparing me to a child molester i think you need a long hard look at yourselves I think that is an absolutely disgusting thing to say to someone who asked for help. I will not comment any further on your extremist views.

I'll give you this, the INTENT of a child molester is MUCH worse and much harder to understand...but the effects? Breaking up whole families, spreading diseases, financial ruin... adultery is an incredibly disgusting thing to DO to a GROUP of people.

 

The effects are lifelong. It's not just my immediate family either...I grieve for the relationship with my former inlaws. What a frickin disgusting mess. I think adultery is comparable if not worse easily.

[scatterd]

Try to put your self in his wife and husband shoes. Their had to be a time when you was in love with your husband and enjoyed being with him. How would you feel if he had cheated on you. Think about him showing dis interest in you, and every time you asked what was going on you was given a line or told you was crazy because he was not doing anything. Think about you children crying for their Dad and acting whinny. Mean while you are having a hard time dealing your self. How about knowing he is cheating and not being able to prove it because you are at home with the children and have no money be cause he is spending it on another person. Your the one doing his laundry ,cooking, cleaning , and so on. But he giving his attention and time to another woman. It does not feel good. Would you want to dress up and look petty and get all the attention? Thats pretty easy when you are not the one working to build a life for him and your family.This is only a little of what happens when being cheated on. It hurts and makes you feel less of woman.It takes your confidence, trust and happiness away. Yes he is the one doing this to you but the OW is helping him by cheating with him. If you can not feel for her this way . Think about your MM finding another OW. Does that hurt? I am glad you have made your mind up to end this. I hope you have learned from it. A cheater does not have to be caught to hurt the family's. They are hurting others through the whole process. Just imagine the hurt when the affair is discovered.

[aed]

@ OP

 

and are you going to tell your HB?

[meandmyself]

@ OP

 

and are you going to tell your HB?

 

Good question!

[karacan]

Love can be a choice. You can choose to overlook flaws, you can work with them in counseling, you can love them for God's sake, or for your children's sake. I really am growing to hate the idea of "soul mates" or "destined love". I think it's so dangerous when people finally wake up to reality in the middle of a long term marriage...people aren't perfect. You marry, make a commitment and make it work. Of course there are limits to what one should put up with...but if you are going to leave, do it the honest way. At least that way there's no sabotage and there's some chance of repair when the person being left realizes what's happening.

 

I agree that you can over look someones flaws and choose to stay with someone for God or the children or for many reasons but that doesn't mean you love them. Honestly if you didn't over look others flaws then we wouldn't like anyone. Just as the guy who had a crush on me couldn't make me reciprocate his feelings. I even tried dating him but just didn't feel anything toward him and he was a great guy. Maybe you will feel this isn't the same but I do so I used it as an example. You can be with the best person in the world 24/7 but that doesn't mean you will love them. You can choose who you date or associate with but you cant choose who you fall in love with. Some people have what you look for and some dont. Fact of life. Sure, you can choose to like someone and you can even choose to tolerate or work with someone but none of those things equate love.

[meandmyself]

I agree that you can over look someones flaws and choose to stay with someone for God or the children or for many reasons but that doesn't mean you love them. Honestly if you didn't over look others flaws then we wouldn't like anyone. Just as the guy who had a crush on me couldn't make me reciprocate his feelings. I even tried dating him but just didn't feel anything toward him and he was a great guy. Maybe you will feel this isn't the same but I do so I used it as an example. You can be with the best person in the world 24/7 but that doesn't mean you will love them. You can choose who you date or associate with but you cant choose who you fall in love with. Some people have what you look for and some dont. Fact of life. Sure, you can choose to like someone and you can even choose to tolerate or work with someone but none of those things equate love.

 

Agree... that doesn't change the fact that if you don't love your partner anymore you still owe him/her the respect to tell them and to leave them to live freely their lives without the deception of cheating...

[eleanorrigby]

I will dissmiss where i see fit, as you clerarly stated this is my post. I cannot see (again my opinion) where an A can be compared to child molestation or murder and nothing anyone says on here will change my mind on that. I know someone who was abused as a child and she would rather be cheated on 10 fold by her husband than experience that pain, humiliation and torment that she received as a child. Do not compare an A to this again - you can move forward or you can get divorced either way in time you will heal - my friend 20 years later still wakes up screaming during the night.

 

Well alrighty then. Guess this conversation is over.

[nofool4u]

Thats utter crap!

 

Really? Those that can't handle forsaking all others shouldn't stay single?

 

Really?

 

 

sometimes people become more vulnerable at times in their lives for numerous reasons and this is when they can succumb to many different things, in my case it was an A with a MM (i was lost, felt unloved, overworked, and just wanted to feel needed once more - he gave me this and yes i lapped it up same as he did) I am not selfish, insecure and certainly not weak but A's can happen to anyone at anytime regardless of what you all say.

 

Selfish? Yes, you were in order to get involved with someone elses husband.

 

Insecure? Maybe not.

 

Weak? Yes, you were. You just said you lapped up all the BS this MM fed you. Someone strong doesn't fall for that.

 

But the main point is that people that can't or won't forsake all others have absolutely NO business getting married or committing to someone. That is irrefutable.

[nofool4u]

The difference between weakness and vulnerability is action. A vulnerable person seeks help, a weak person gives in.

 

Exactly. Needed a bump

[nofool4u]

I do love him but as the old cliche goes "im not in love with him" and i am doing nobody any favours especially my kids by staying in this relationship.

 

Now THERE are some wise words