whichwayisup Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 It's done, I'm done, we are over :-) Told him tonight to his face I cant do this anymore - he was shocked to say the least and understood why I cant continue like this but he will always be there for me blah blah blah .... And I walked away Now the texting spree has started "he loves me, doesnt want me out his life, etc etc" the reply ... "If you love me that much tell your wife about me" I dont expect a reply - number will be changed tomorrow I am a broken sobbing mess right now but i know i will get over it - his wife will not so thats why its stopping now !! He's keeping you for selfish reasons. No way can a friendship continue or even happen, it's pointless. Glad you ended it. It hurts but you did the right thing.. For yourself. 1
nofool4u Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 How does one know when it's love and not lust either ? Easy, when it comes to cheaters and those that help them cheat, its about lust. They only think its love...until that relationship gets old too.
Spark1111 Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Easy, when it comes to cheaters and those that help them cheat, its about lust. They only think its love...until that relationship gets old too. Or too difficult,like a REAL relationship!
nofool4u Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Or too difficult,like a REAL relationship! Thats why relationships, like marriage, aren't for the weak, the selfish, or the insecure. Those that can't handle forsaking all others, should stay single. 9
Author TheOW Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 Thats why relationships, like marriage, aren't for the weak, the selfish, or the insecure. Those that can't handle forsaking all others, should stay single. Thats utter crap! sometimes people become more vulnerable at times in their lives for numerous reasons and this is when they can succumb to many different things, in my case it was an A with a MM (i was lost, felt unloved, overworked, and just wanted to feel needed once more - he gave me this and yes i lapped it up same as he did) I am not selfish, insecure and certainly not weak but A's can happen to anyone at anytime regardless of what you all say.
ThatJustHappened Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 Thats utter crap! sometimes people become more vulnerable at times in their lives for numerous reasons and this is when they can succumb to many different things, in my case it was an A with a MM (i was lost, felt unloved, overworked, and just wanted to feel needed once more - he gave me this and yes i lapped it up same as he did) I am not selfish, insecure and certainly not weak but A's can happen to anyone at anytime regardless of what you all say. The difference between weakness and vulnerability is action. A vulnerable person seeks help, a weak person gives in. 2
woinlove Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 Thats utter crap! sometimes people become more vulnerable at times in their lives for numerous reasons and this is when they can succumb to many different things, in my case it was an A with a MM (i was lost, felt unloved, overworked, and just wanted to feel needed once more - he gave me this and yes i lapped it up same as he did) I am not selfish, insecure and certainly not weak but A's can happen to anyone at anytime regardless of what you all say. I would never let an intimate relationship just "happen" to me. I have actively chosen my intimate relationships, including as an OW. Different people make different choices. But I don't think anyone needs fear some relationship simply happening to them. And isn't feeling unloved feeling insecure? I've been very happily single at times and never felt unloved. I had myself and friends. One doesn't need a romantic relationship at all stages of one's adult life. As to not being selfish, I'm not sure how one can choose to have an affair without being selfish. I certainly was selfish when I made that choice. Had I been more empathetic toward and focussed on others, I think I would have made a different choice. 6
Author TheOW Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 Well I disagree - yes I made a selfish decision to get myself caught up in an A but one act of selfishness does not make me entirely a selfish person on the whole. I would like say my A was a mistake but truthfully I don't regret it, I can't regret getting to know him - I am in some way relieved it's over I can finally control the emotion turmoil inside me and get on with my life (he is still texting trying to see me but as before I sent the same simple message as before "tell ur wife about us then" now I'm getting all the excuses to which I have not replied). And no I will never become an OW ever again I have learned from this and I will never put myself in that situation again. As for my own relationship I have discussed with partner and we have agreed to seperate after the holidays he knows I wasn't happy for years and he also isn't happy with me either. Upwards and onwards :-)
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Look the problem is the attitude you're expressing seems pretty typical of many OW's. You completely romanticize your affair as this wonderful/tragic thing and really it's nothing special at all based on the way you describe it--it sounds exactly like every other affair that is posted about. At some point when you grow up and get more mature you might start to think more logically instead of just with your hormones and emotions. At that point you might start to think about the possible negative consequences of your behavior, and concern yourself enough about those consequences to stop doing it. Unfortunately some people never grow up and never learn. They have to keep making the same mistakes over and over. Even the way you presented yourself in this thread is one of completely over the top melodrama. You actually sound like a 15 year old girl with a crush on someone. I wish I wish I wish you could be inside of your "lover's" head when you are on your knees blowing him or he is banging the sh*t out of you. He's laughing to himself thinking about how he smooth-talked another dumb wh*re into being his latest cum bucket. That's your true love for you. Wow. Like poetry. No one knows how to cut to the chase like DuckSoup. 1
aed Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I read allot about your affaire with OM and his relationship. But how do you think your affaire will help your own marriage, and helped your own sexual relationship with your husband? Cutting things of like this is stil the easy way out!
Author TheOW Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 It doesn't change a thing I was not sexually attracted to my partner for years and I refuse to continue to string him along any further - it will be difficult with our kids but it's what has to be done you can't make yourself for all in love with someone you just don't love anymore! Me and partner were together since I was 17 and the relationship has just run its course. I need out he needs to move on.
BetrayedH Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 It doesn't change a thing I was not sexually attracted to my partner for years and I refuse to continue to string him along any further - it will be difficult with our kids but it's what has to be done you can't make yourself for all in love with someone you just don't love anymore! Me and partner were together since I was 17 and the relationship has just run its course. I need out he needs to move on. Love is a choice.
2sure Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Before I remarried, I was OW. Never had a bad experience, no ddays, really nice guys , made my life easier. So, I wouldn't say I had regret initially. After I remarried, my h turned out to be a serial cheater. Broke my heart. I never could blame an OW in any way because usually they didn't know for sure he was married...and I knew they could be anyone. Some might say I got what I deserved...I know I did. But that still isn't what changed me. It was the realization that I had directly effected strangers lives by being a participant in an affair with their husband. Prior to being in love and creating a family with my x...I didn't realize how intricate and delicate and important marriages and families sometimes are...as a unit, they can be as vulnerable at times, as we can as individuals. Who the hell did I think I was, to throw myself anonymously and under cover into that mix? That's regret. It changed me. I wouldn't be who I was without the experiences I have had...bit I regret not having navigated a way to get here without sacrificing my integrity. 11
woinlove Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Before I remarried, I was OW. Never had a bad experience, no ddays, really nice guys , made my life easier. So, I wouldn't say I had regret initially. After I remarried, my h turned out to be a serial cheater. Broke my heart. I never could blame an OW in any way because usually they didn't know for sure he was married...and I knew they could be anyone. Some might say I got what I deserved...I know I did. But that still isn't what changed me. It was the realization that I had directly effected strangers lives by being a participant in an affair with their husband. Prior to being in love and creating a family with my x...I didn't realize how intricate and delicate and important marriages and families sometimes are...as a unit, they can be as vulnerable at times, as we can as individuals. Who the hell did I think I was, to throw myself anonymously and under cover into that mix? That's regret. It changed me. I wouldn't be who I was without the experiences I have had...bit I regret not having navigated a way to get here without sacrificing my integrity. A powerful post. Becoming a mother changed me too, made me feel more connected to people in general, and deepened my capacity to love. 2
meandmyself Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 (edited) Well I disagree - yes I made a selfish decision to get myself caught up in an A but one act of selfishness does not make me entirely a selfish person on the whole. I would like say my A was a mistake but truthfully I don't regret it, I can't regret getting to know him - I am in some way relieved it's over I can finally control the emotion turmoil inside me and get on with my life (he is still texting trying to see me but as before I sent the same simple message as before "tell ur wife about us then" now I'm getting all the excuses to which I have not replied). And no I will never become an OW ever again I have learned from this and I will never put myself in that situation again. As for my own relationship I have discussed with partner and we have agreed to seperate after the holidays he knows I wasn't happy for years and he also isn't happy with me either. Upwards and onwards :-) One selfish decision don't make you a selfish person, but you made that decision every time you went back to the MM.... so not just one... Edited December 2, 2012 by meandmyself 3
Wanderer25 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Well I disagree - yes I made a selfish decision to get myself caught up in an A but one act of selfishness does not make me entirely a selfish person on the whole. I would like say my A was a mistake but truthfully I don't regret it, I can't regret getting to know him - I am in some way relieved it's over I can finally control the emotion turmoil inside me and get on with my life (he is still texting trying to see me but as before I sent the same simple message as before "tell ur wife about us then" now I'm getting all the excuses to which I have not replied). And no I will never become an OW ever again I have learned from this and I will never put myself in that situation again. As for my own relationship I have discussed with partner and we have agreed to seperate after the holidays he knows I wasn't happy for years and he also isn't happy with me either. Upwards and onwards :-) You get drunk and drive.. Then you kill someone. Ok, it does not define you right ? After all, it was one mistake although it was a whole human being that was killed. Right ? You are currently doing the equivalent of drinking and driving regularly. One mistake does not define you. Is this how you defend your affair ? Say your husband trashed you black and blue for a few months after finding out about your affair on a semi regular basis, would you call him an abuser ? Or does ths one mistake not define him ? One rape does not define the rapist ? One murder does not define a murderer ? One assault does not define a pedophile ? You are not having a momentary failing. You are indulging in planned deception. Ever heard of people killing themselves after their spouses cheat ? Your damage is like that of a termite..You are eating away his belief and innate ability to trust people from the inside. It still looks good on the outside, But it is only time everything comes crashing down destroying him in the process. But you never cared anyway. one more thing..Does your MM lavish you with expensive gifts ? 1
Author TheOW Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 You get drunk and drive.. Then you kill someone. Ok, it does not define you right ? After all, it was one mistake although it was a whole human being that was killed. Right ? You are currently doing the equivalent of drinking and driving regularly. One mistake does not define you. Is this how you defend your affair ? Say your husband trashed you black and blue for a few months after finding out about your affair on a semi regular basis, would you call him an abuser ? Or does ths one mistake not define him ? One rape does not define the rapist ? One murder does not define a murderer ? One assault does not define a pedophile ? You are not having a momentary failing. You are indulging in planned deception. Ever heard of people killing themselves after their spouses cheat ? Your damage is like that of a termite..You are eating away his belief and innate ability to trust people from the inside. It still looks good on the outside, But it is only time everything comes crashing down destroying him in the process. But you never cared anyway. one more thing..Does your MM lavish you with expensive gifts ? You cannot compare an A with the actions of a rapist or child molester no matter what point u are trying to put accross - If i never cared I wouldnt of been on forums in the first place nor would i have finished the A. No he never did lavish me with gifts of any kind and i wouldnt have taken them either if he did
meandmyself Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 You cannot compare an A with the actions of a rapist or child molester no matter what point u are trying to put accross - If i never cared I wouldnt of been on forums in the first place nor would i have finished the A. No he never did lavish me with gifts of any kind and i wouldnt have taken them either if he did Honestly... I would have preferred to be raped that to be cheated on... 2 1
Author TheOW Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Honestly... I would have preferred to be raped that to be cheated on... Go put that point accross to people who have been raped then 1
meandmyself Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Go put that point accross to people who have been raped then Well you are trying to put the opposite accross to people who have been cheated... I know how one part feels, so I can emit a judgment about what would be my preference... other people may differ... 1
ComingInHot Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Actually, I was raped AND my husband cheated. Both had the same affect however I was able to move on from the rape much sooner. The memory of both still haunt me to this day but the affair more often...* 2
meandmyself Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Actually, I was raped AND my husband cheated. Both had the same affect however I was able to move on from the rape much sooner. The memory of both still haunt me to this day but the affair more often...* I guess that when both of the acts are terrible .... in the rape usually is a completer stranger the one that is hurting you while in an affair the one who is hurting you is someone you love and trust... I am no one to say what is better or what is worse, and I don't think it is the point of this thread... I just said that for ME I would have preferred to be raped than to be cheated on... 2
Author TheOW Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Did you change that number? Number is changed -email address deleted! Its breaking my heart but im a stubborn little witch and will not give in, I was vulnerable when this A started but in reality it has made me a stronger person today. I can see clearly where I (both of us) were sucked in - unfortunately he cannot and still thinks he "loves" me, maybe he does I dont know but I certainly do love him. And because i love him i am letting him go - he knows what he has to do. I am moving forward.
Author TheOW Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Part of your opening post.... You said you needed to know. Wanderer gave you glimpse into how many of us feel and you discounted that. No we aren't the BS in your situation and she might feel entirely different...but for many of us who have experienced some of the things that were listed by Wanderer...cheating was on the same level. It destroyed a part of us (maybe a certain amount of innocence)that we will never get back. To betrayed by someone you know and trust is a hell of a lot worse than being messed up by a stranger. I have experienced death of a child, a parent, close friends and relatives. Some to illness others to murder. Childhood molestation, abuse (received and given) as have many others. Some don't find infidelity to be of the same level or worse...others do. Do not ask a question that you might not like the answers to. Do not discount the feelings of others and tell them that there is no comparison because for some there is. If you want to know how his BS feels..ask her? That is the best way to get your answer without dismissing the experiences of others. I will dissmiss where i see fit, as you clerarly stated this is my post. I cannot see (again my opinion) where an A can be compared to child molestation or murder and nothing anyone says on here will change my mind on that. I know someone who was abused as a child and she would rather be cheated on 10 fold by her husband than experience that pain, humiliation and torment that she received as a child. Do not compare an A to this again - you can move forward or you can get divorced either way in time you will heal - my friend 20 years later still wakes up screaming during the night.
meandmyself Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I will dissmiss where i see fit, as you clerarly stated this is my post. I cannot see (again my opinion) where an A can be compared to child molestation or murder and nothing anyone says on here will change my mind on that. I know someone who was abused as a child and she would rather be cheated on 10 fold by her husband than experience that pain, humiliation and torment that she received as a child. Do not compare an A to this again - you can move forward or you can get divorced either way in time you will heal - my friend 20 years later still wakes up screaming during the night. Do you know how many people kill themselves after finding out their partner was cheating on them? If dismissing what other people tells you they are feeling makes you feel better about what you have done... it is up to you but please don't come here to tell US, the people who have been deceived what is what we are feeling and how other things are worse that what we are suffering... you don't have the right to do that... you don't know what we feel so don't you dare to tell us how it is better than anything else.... 2
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