BS .. I need to understand what im doing to you

[meandmyself]

Yes, I was. Because it is her thread. If her partner posted here, I would be happy to focus on him on his thread.

 

Understanding why someone is doing something they want to stop doing can help them to see how to go about addressing and resolving it. Stating the obvious and telling them to feel bad,, when they've already stated that hey know that intellectually but feel no guilt, seems ineffective and beside the point to me. If TOW wants to stop the A, telling her what she already knows is unlikely to help her stop it. Helping her to think about why she finds the A so compelling, so that she can address that, might show her a way in to change her behavior.

 

I'd rather support someone in helping to make the changes they're trying to make, than pointlessly bashing them hoping that eventually they'll submit.

 

Unfortunately I don't think anything will help her but when the truth hit the fences and she realized what kind of mess she has created... As others in this thread I think she is just getting her quote of pain because for any reason is what she craves.. but I don't think that because you tell her that she needs IC world will change for her... she knows that too... she is just focusing so much on herself and her personal enjoyment that anything that you (or I by the way) tell her will bring any change. If by the contrary she would realize that she is just acting selfish and for a change she decided to do something else, a good conversation with her husband would help her to initiate the separation with the OM.... Sometimes you need to make the bomb explode to be able to see if you can savage anything after the explosion...

[BetrayedH]

My wife and I had been together 18 years when I discovered her affair.

 

She destroyed my life. My children now come from a broken home. The OM was a willing accomplice.

 

It's been a year and a half and I am still trying to pick up the pieces. It's really impossible to put into words. You need to stop.

 

I'm not trying to be cruel but get your external validation from someone else. There are plenty of single guys that will tell you that you're beautiful so that you'll sleep with them.

[jnel921]

OW, I don't feel sorry for you. In my experience with 2 marriages and having to deal with 2 cheating husbands, one remorseful and one not, I have found that in speaking to the OW they clearly needed mental help.

 

Anyone who is willing to accept a man telling them from the get go that they should not have any expectations and that they clearly will not leave their current spouse, family or situations have serious issues.

 

One of the earlier posters had it it right. She wanted to be me. Yes you f****d my husband. At the end of the day he still came to our home, f****d me too, spent time with our family, took vacations, spent holidays, and laid our bed at night. We set goals and made plans. None of which factored in another woman.

 

How sad to have to align your life with someone who only wants what is in your panties. The man is 20 years older. You probably make him feel like he still has it. You have someone, the father of your children and you can't even respect him.

 

Life isn't all peaches and cream. When stuff happens you should work to make it better especially for your kids. You obviously don't care about how they perceive you.

 

You have already done some damage, if you are smart you will walk away and focus on the family god gave you. You need mental help. Not caring about someone else feelings when it is you that is causing the pain is a problem.

 

As a BS I expected my H to want and respect me and our vows. When he did this he knew he wanted me. The OW was surprised of his references of her and even said she felt that maybe he raped her because he didn't care about her. How ridiculous is she?

 

Keep your legs closed to MM. If you have daughters think about them. Would you expect them to behave this way too?

[woinlove]

Some of you may know my story from the OW posts. I am having an affair with MM he is 20 years older than me and has been married longer than i have been alive - but this does not phase me. I know his wife she is a lovely woman i even speak to her in the passing - this also does not phase me (of course i feel guilt but im so in love with him i cant seem to realise what i am doing) I have a long term partner also and at first i felt really guilty about betraying him but the more we argue (we are constantly arguing even at 4/5/6am in the morning) MM seems to be an escape for me, im addicted to him and the way he makes me feel. He has told me he would not leave his family and his wife but that he does love me (i am not going to debate this, i know he loves me or the idea of me anyway he does have strong feelings for me anyhow) these are becoming stronger as the months fly by i have seen the changes from him wanting to meet up once or twice a fortnight to wanting to see me 3 or 4 times a week.

Lately everytime he texts i come on here and i try avoiding texting back - then when he gets home from work i get a beautiful and lovely text saying how he was thinking of me today and how beautiful i am and he cant wait to see me again, or how amazing i looked the last time he seen me. And i fall for it every god damn time !! I dont know what i am looking for on here we have set up a day to finish and by god i am determined to do this ... you may ask why not now ?? I am gutless and just cant seem to do it. There is alot more to this story that i havent mentioned but i need this man out my head i need to stop lusting/loving him and start realising the damage that will befall when (not if) this affair comes out. We live in a small community everyone knows us. But this still does not phase me. I need to feel guilt for BW which i am lacking so far because im so involved in myself and him.

 

I didn't have a BH, but MM had a BW and I didn't feel empathy for what she was going through until well after I ended things with him (by that time he was divorced). For me to feel empathy for the BW, I literally had to grow and change as a person, and none of that comes easily or quickly. It can take years. There is no ah-ha moment, that suddenly makes you see how you treated others and yourself and decide you want to treat them and you better. Counselling may help with this. For me, I had to learn to love myself and others better and along with this came receiving more love, feeling more connected to others in general.

 

Someone mentioned the A filling an important need. Sometimes it may be that, but sometimes it is that one doesn't really know how to life happily with oneself, and it is not so much an important need as a filler for all the gaps one will always have in their life until they learn to live an authentic, happy life whether you have a partner or not.

 

Affairs can be strong distractions, fillers, with a lot of strong emotions, such as infatuation, and real attention grabbers, so one can ignore all the important gaps that are not be addressed. Having found true love, I happen to think true love brings more peace and satisfaction and doesn't come with the struggles you describe. However, what others call "love" may differ and may include a lot of drama and things I would associate more with infatuation, obsession or addiction.

[TheOW]

Just to clarify to a few people on here I didn't just "open my legs" and let him in didn't happen like that, we have been attracted to each other for a few years before anything happened there was always a strong pull between us whenever we spoke - but one night we were both out and both had an argument with Partenrs and we ended up kissing - wrong yes very wrong but I have never and neither had he felt needed like that moment. We didn't go further for 3 years until we were "out" again, again we kissed and swapped numbers - we didn't have sex for 8 weeks (wont change many people's opinions of me I know but I will tell like it is) even now it's been 4 weeks since we last had sex but we have still seen each other 4 times a week for an hour in the evening(yes I'm going to be hit with "he's not having sex with u because he is with his wife") honestly I thought this too and it sickened me but obviously not enough because I didn't walk away - then we got into a conversation one night and he said him and his wife hadn't been physical for a few years (lies lies lies that's what everyone is going to say) but I believe him.

 

Our relationship/affair what ever u want to call it isn't just about sex we confide in each other about our fears our life stories I know everything about him and he I. I know what he's thinking before he says it. Not only are we lovers/sexual partners we are friends too. We tried to finish it once and NC lasted a week this is when he told me he loved me but he wouldn't/couldn't leave his wife and family and he wanted me to move on. We tried and one day I was out and bumped into him I burst out crying we got into his car and drove for a while not speaking he had tears in his eyes, we stopped and just started to kiss (no sex no "touching me up") So there is some more to the story it's not just sex there is intense feelings there too maybe more so because I am the first woman and he is the first man we have ever noticed outside our own relationships.

 

So why am I trying to stop it if I think we are so in love ? I'm not stupid that's why I know what we feel for each other is real but I also know when this blows up there will be so much heartache especially for him and his wife, I know I'm heading for separation with my partner I've known for a long time before MM came along. We have to stop before we get caught and our worlds come crashing down around us regardless of how we feel for each other I need to get my head and heart out I need to start realising the full consequences of this

 

I know I am going to be hit with " ur so gullible, naive, young and stupid" for believing what he says but regardless of what you think he is telling the truth as before this isn't just "oh he's hot I want to bang him" scenario.

I

[meandmyself]

Just to clarify to a few people on here I didn't just "open my legs" and let him in didn't happen like that, we have been attracted to each other for a few years before anything happened there was always a strong pull between us whenever we spoke - but one night we were both out and both had an argument with Partenrs and we ended up kissing - wrong yes very wrong but I have never and neither had he felt needed like that moment. We didn't go further for 3 years until we were "out" again, again we kissed and swapped numbers - we didn't have sex for 8 weeks (wont change many people's opinions of me I know but I will tell like it is) even now it's been 4 weeks since we last had sex but we have still seen each other 4 times a week for an hour in the evening(yes I'm going to be hit with "he's not having sex with u because he is with his wife") honestly I thought this too and it sickened me but obviously not enough because I didn't walk away - then we got into a conversation one night and he said him and his wife hadn't been physical for a few years (lies lies lies that's what everyone is going to say) but I believe him.

 

Our relationship/affair what ever u want to call it isn't just about sex we confide in each other about our fears our life stories I know everything about him and he I. I know what he's thinking before he says it. Not only are we lovers/sexual partners we are friends too. We tried to finish it once and NC lasted a week this is when he told me he loved me but he wouldn't/couldn't leave his wife and family and he wanted me to move on. We tried and one day I was out and bumped into him I burst out crying we got into his car and drove for a while not speaking he had tears in his eyes, we stopped and just started to kiss (no sex no "touching me up") So there is some more to the story it's not just sex there is intense feelings there too maybe more so because I am the first woman and he is the first man we have ever noticed outside our own relationships.

 

So why am I trying to stop it if I think we are so in love ? I'm not stupid that's why I know what we feel for each other is real but I also know when this blows up there will be so much heartache especially for him and his wife, I know I'm heading for separation with my partner I've known for a long time before MM came along. We have to stop before we get caught and our worlds come crashing down around us regardless of how we feel for each other I need to get my head and heart out I need to start realising the full consequences of this

 

I know I am going to be hit with " ur so gullible, naive, young and stupid" for believing what he says but regardless of what you think he is telling the truth as before this isn't just "oh he's hot I want to bang him" scenario.

I

 

What are you 15?? Take some ownership for what you are doing, stop telling us how beautiful is what you got with the MM, looks like you need us to approve, well you won't get that here I promise you!

One day someone will find out about what happened and then you will see if the MM really loves you that much when he has to put everything to savage his marriage...

[Spark1111]

I don't think you're gullible, stupid or naive, but I do think you are addicted.

 

Limerance, especially when it can only be rewarded intermittently, produces chemicals similar to an addict in need of their next high.

 

they cry too when they get their fix, the joy is overwhelming.

 

It's not love, it's chemicals.

 

The only cure is No Contact. It's the detox. And either you will do it now or DDay and the cold harsh light of exposure will do it for you.

 

It will definitely do it for him when he sees the devastation of his wife and children, and not leaving his family may no longer be his choice anymore.

[TheOW]

What are you 15?? Take some ownership for what you are doing, stop telling us how beautiful is what you got with the MM, looks like you need us to approve, well you won't get that here I promise you!

One day someone will find out about what happened and then you will see if the MM really loves you that much when he has to put everything to savage his marriage...

 

 

 

No I don't expect anyone to approve at all but not all affairs are black and white as most people think - sometimes the feelings are genuine. Yes he will put everything into saving his marriage if we are caught but I want this to end now before he has to before we get too caught up in ourselves, because right now we are. I have no doubt in my mind how much he loves his wife she's been with him for 30 years gave birth and brought up his kids how dare he and I do this to her, it's not her fault she has done nothing. But that hasn't prevented this from happening ? Me and him are thinking about ourselves right now maybe we just haven't felt needed by our partners in a long time and we found it again in each other and now addicted to it. Harsh but true.

 

But I don't think we fully realise the full extend of the damage we are causing ourselves and our families. This is why I am on here and the more I read the more I realise how stupid and utterly selfish we truly are. Now I just need the balls to finish it and keep it that way - without bitterness

[Spark1111]

Well, I like the way your thinking is going, but I do have to disagree.

 

All affairs, about 97 percent, are exactly the same in the brain chemicals produced and the intensity of emotions those chemicals cause.

 

Your partners are insignificant.

 

In fact, if you and your MM were together every day without secrecy and limitations, the intensity of those feelings would subside in 6 months to 2 years.

 

That's biology 101.

[meandmyself]

No I don't expect anyone to approve at all but not all affairs are black and white as most people think - sometimes the feelings are genuine. Yes he will put everything into saving his marriage if we are caught but I want this to end now before he has to before we get too caught up in ourselves, because right now we are. I have no doubt in my mind how much he loves his wife she's been with him for 30 years gave birth and brought up his kids how dare he and I do this to her, it's not her fault she has done nothing. But that hasn't prevented this from happening ? Me and him are thinking about ourselves right now maybe we just haven't felt needed by our partners in a long time and we found it again in each other and now addicted to it. Harsh but true.

 

But I don't think we fully realise the full extend of the damage we are causing ourselves and our families. This is why I am on here and the more I read the more I realise how stupid and utterly selfish we truly are. Now I just need the balls to finish it and keep it that way - without bitterness

 

If that is really what you feel, then go home and talk to your husband... tell him the truth and ask for his forgiveness and help... If you don't tell him what you have done you are holding him hostage with that lie and all your relationship with him will be a lie, besides if he finds out by himself rather by you telling him the chances that you can rebuild your marriage are much smaller... It is up to you but the only way of coming clean of all this situation is by getting your husband aware of what is happening, he doesn't deserve to live a lie just because you decide to hide it from him.

[scatterd]

OW

Do you think the reason you and your husband argue so much could be because of your cheating. You may think has no clue but I bet he feels it. Would you notice if your husband starting acting different? This is draining your marriage. Take a good look at you husband and memorize his face. I bet he is not happy either. Right now your husband cares enough to argue with you but one day when he discovers the cheating you will no longer know him. He will look at you with disgust, shame, hurt. The look in his eyes will change also. Is this OM really worth losing that you may come out of this with nothing. The OM may also through you under the bus and make it look like you was the one that came on to him. You are getting your needs met from OM at this time but what about your future. I hope you can end this

before the inevitable happens.

[TheOW]

Well, I like the way your thinking is going, but I do have to disagree.

 

All affairs, about 97 percent, are exactly the same in the brain chemicals produced and the intensity of emotions those chemicals cause.

 

Your partners are insignificant.

 

In fact, if you and your MM were together every day without secrecy and limitations, the intensity of those feelings would subside in 6 months to 2 years.

 

That's biology 101.

 

Yes I would agree with this also but my point was that its not all about sex for us it's emotion and comfort also: it is like falling in love/lust/chemicals whatever all over again and it's addictive.

 

He isn't lying to me as much as people on here will say he is he hasn't given me false promises - and I didn't just fall for him because he tells me I'm a beautiful etc etc.

 

I've already said in another post I don't think me and him would work out long term anyway (as much as I tell myself otherwise) he's 20 years older there's much in life I still have to do he will more or less in a few years time be unable to keep up! I Know this but it still isn't sinking in right now.

 

Regarding my partner we were finished for a long time before MM came along I don't want to hurt him definitely not - this is another chapter in my life that will soon have to come to an end. And I do not wish it to finish because this A has been exposed nor do I want to rush into finishing it because of the A either.

 

Yes I am back peddling and contradicting myself a lot here, I'm just confused but at least I'm acknowledging what I am doing and asking for advice on ways to end this before I get too lost in the A and start thinking unthinkable thoughts.

[scatterd]

Regarding my partner we were finished for a long time before MM came along I don't want to hurt him definitely not - this is another chapter in my life that will soon have to come to an end.

 

Why have you not divorced him instead of waisting yours

and his time arguing. It seems that if you were finished

you would want it over. What is keeping you with your husband now.

[worldgonewrong]

It's not love, it's chemicals.

 

At the risk of playing devil's advocate, how does one know when it's clearly love and not chemicals?

[TheOW]

At the risk of playing devil's advocate, how does one know when it's clearly love and not chemicals?

 

 

How does one know when it's love and not lust either ?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

At the risk of playing devil's advocate, how does one know when it's clearly love and not chemicals?

 

There is no clear definitive answer to this question. But in regards to OP a few good starting points are:

 

1 - Bring the relationship into the light of day. Sneaking around and secret rendezvous add to the chemical high. Remove the taboo factor and see if the R survives.

 

2 - Make the relationship their primary relationship, not secondary. Currently both APs are in other primary relationships. (MM made this very clear.) Affairs by definition are secondary relationships. Add commitment to the R and see if it survives.

 

3 - Spend more time together rather than snippets of face time (or booty time) which won't happen because the A is a secondary relationship, and has to be kept hidden.

 

4 - Introduce some respect into the relationship. The MM is using OP for sex and to stroke his wrinkled ego. If the OP was his peer (same age), would MM be so interested in this relationship? I think not! Remove the sex (or hope for sex) and see if the MM sticks around. Men will go to great lengths to appease a beautiful woman if sex is attainable. Many men would endure multiple non-sexual interactions if it translates into pootang down the road.

 

As I mentioned before, this relationship is not based in reality.

[TheOW]

4 - Introduce some respect into the relationship. The MM is using OP for sex and to stroke his wrinkled ego. If the OP was his peer (same age), would MM be so interested in this relationship? I think not! Remove the sex (or hope for sex) and see if the MM sticks around. Men will go to great lengths to appease a beautiful woman if sex is attainable. Many men would endure multiple non-sexual interactions if it translates into pootang down the road.

 

As mentioned before it isnt just about sex we can go weeks/months without it and that is while still seeing each other 4 x weekly

[woinlove]

Just to clarify to a few people on here I didn't just "open my legs" and let him in didn't happen like that, we have been attracted to each other for a few years before anything happened there was always a strong pull between us whenever we spoke - but one night we were both out and both had an argument with Partenrs and we ended up kissing - wrong yes very wrong but I have never and neither had he felt needed like that moment. We didn't go further for 3 years until we were "out" again, again we kissed and swapped numbers - we didn't have sex for 8 weeks (wont change many people's opinions of me I know but I will tell like it is) even now it's been 4 weeks since we last had sex but we have still seen each other 4 times a week for an hour in the evening(yes I'm going to be hit with "he's not having sex with u because he is with his wife") honestly I thought this too and it sickened me but obviously not enough because I didn't walk away - then we got into a conversation one night and he said him and his wife hadn't been physical for a few years (lies lies lies that's what everyone is going to say) but I believe him.

 

Our relationship/affair what ever u want to call it isn't just about sex we confide in each other about our fears our life stories I know everything about him and he I. I know what he's thinking before he says it. Not only are we lovers/sexual partners we are friends too. We tried to finish it once and NC lasted a week this is when he told me he loved me but he wouldn't/couldn't leave his wife and family and he wanted me to move on. We tried and one day I was out and bumped into him I burst out crying we got into his car and drove for a while not speaking he had tears in his eyes, we stopped and just started to kiss (no sex no "touching me up") So there is some more to the story it's not just sex there is intense feelings there too maybe more so because I am the first woman and he is the first man we have ever noticed outside our own relationships.

 

So why am I trying to stop it if I think we are so in love ? I'm not stupid that's why I know what we feel for each other is real but I also know when this blows up there will be so much heartache especially for him and his wife, I know I'm heading for separation with my partner I've known for a long time before MM came along. We have to stop before we get caught and our worlds come crashing down around us regardless of how we feel for each other I need to get my head and heart out I need to start realising the full consequences of this

 

I know I am going to be hit with " ur so gullible, naive, young and stupid" for believing what he says but regardless of what you think he is telling the truth as before this isn't just "oh he's hot I want to bang him" scenario.

I

 

You started this thread on the infidelity forum asking BS's to explain what the A did to them, but your latest posts seem quite removed from this topic and perhaps more appropriate for the OW/OM forum. On one hand, I realize you are responding to specific ideas put forward, but I'm wondering what it is you want from BS or even from those of us who might have come to recognize our impact on the BS. Can you clarify what you are looking for?

 

Is it more that you want BS to understand YOU rather than wanting to understand BS as your thread first suggested?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

As mentioned before it isnt just about sex we can go weeks/months without it and that is while still seeing each other 4 x weekly

 

As I said, many men would go on for weeks with lunches and dinners if there is hope of sex with a 20 yr junior at the end of the month. I'm not saying he isn't enjoying the non-sexual meetings. I'm saying that the sex hanging at the end of the stick is very motivating for a man.

 

What are you feelings about commitment? Do you have a fear of commitment?

 

I ask because you're not married to your SO. The MM told you that he is committed to his wife and family (albeit in a very dysfunctional way), and yet that doesn't deter you from this affair. Could the fact that there is no chance of commitment be part of the attraction?

Edited November 28, 2012 by Betrayed&Stayed

[TheOW]

It's done, I'm done, we are over :-) Told him tonight to his face I cant do this anymore - he was shocked to say the least and understood why I cant continue like this but he will always be there for me blah blah blah ....

 

And I walked away

 

Now the texting spree has started "he loves me, doesnt want me out his life, etc etc" the reply ... "If you love me that much tell your wife about me"

 

I dont expect a reply - number will be changed tomorrow

 

I am a broken sobbing mess right now but i know i will get over it - his wife will not so thats why its stopping now !!

[Betrayed&Stayed]

"If you love me that much tell your wife about me"

 

Bravo! Well played.

[96nole]

It's done, I'm done, we are over :-) Told him tonight to his face I cant do this anymore - he was shocked to say the least and understood why I cant continue like this but he will always be there for me blah blah blah ....

 

And I walked away

 

Now the texting spree has started "he loves me, doesnt want me out his life, etc etc" the reply ... "If you love me that much tell your wife about me"

 

I dont expect a reply - number will be changed tomorrow

 

I am a broken sobbing mess right now but i know i will get over it - his wife will not so thats why its stopping now !!

 

Excellent! That was your first step toward better things. He will be back. He will play to your emotions. He'll "be there" when you are at your weakest. Stay strong. Stand you ground.

[Spark1111]

How does one know when it's love and not lust

 

Stop setting, texting, emailing, stroking his ego, or having sex with him.

 

Pretty simple.

 

Like Grandma always said, the man who truly loves you WAITS for you.

[BetrayedH]

It's done, I'm done, we are over :-) Told him tonight to his face I cant do this anymore - he was shocked to say the least and understood why I cant continue like this but he will always be there for me blah blah blah ....

 

And I walked away

 

Now the texting spree has started "he loves me, doesnt want me out his life, etc etc" the reply ... "If you love me that much tell your wife about me"

 

I dont expect a reply - number will be changed tomorrow

 

I am a broken sobbing mess right now but i know i will get over it - his wife will not so thats why its stopping now !!

 

Yay!

 

If you haven't done it already, I recommend starting a thread on the OW forum about maintaining no contact. Listen to the fOW. Read their posts over and iver again. This is a vulnerable time for you. It takes a lot to get thru the withdrawl. Most other women fall off the wagon a few times. Each time sets you back. Each time you resist makes it a little easier for you to do that again in the future. If you fall off the wagon, get right back on it.

 

You can do this. Keep making decisions with your head instead of your emotions. Keep kicking this MM to the curb until he respects at least one of you. If he wants you, he can confess to his wife and leave her for you. Anything short of that is disrepectful to you. Having you both is only respectful to himself. Ignore his words. It's his actions that speak for him.

[Tenacity]

Like Grandma always said, the man who truly loves you WAITS for you.

 

Grandma was right. Some advice never stops being true.