BS .. I need to understand what im doing to you

[TheOW]

Some of you may know my story from the OW posts. I am having an affair with MM he is 20 years older than me and has been married longer than i have been alive - but this does not phase me. I know his wife she is a lovely woman i even speak to her in the passing - this also does not phase me (of course i feel guilt but im so in love with him i cant seem to realise what i am doing) I have a long term partner also and at first i felt really guilty about betraying him but the more we argue (we are constantly arguing even at 4/5/6am in the morning) MM seems to be an escape for me, im addicted to him and the way he makes me feel. He has told me he would not leave his family and his wife but that he does love me (i am not going to debate this, i know he loves me or the idea of me anyway he does have strong feelings for me anyhow) these are becoming stronger as the months fly by i have seen the changes from him wanting to meet up once or twice a fortnight to wanting to see me 3 or 4 times a week.

Lately everytime he texts i come on here and i try avoiding texting back - then when he gets home from work i get a beautiful and lovely text saying how he was thinking of me today and how beautiful i am and he cant wait to see me again, or how amazing i looked the last time he seen me. And i fall for it every god damn time !! I dont know what i am looking for on here we have set up a day to finish and by god i am determined to do this ... you may ask why not now ?? I am gutless and just cant seem to do it. There is alot more to this story that i havent mentioned but i need this man out my head i need to stop lusting/loving him and start realising the damage that will befall when (not if) this affair comes out. We live in a small community everyone knows us. But this still does not phase me. I need to feel guilt for BW which i am lacking so far because im so involved in myself and him.

[whichwayisup]

You need to start by worrying more about what you're doing to your own partner and go from there. How hurt and betrayed your spouse is going to feel and the pain/heartache damage you've done to him. Betrayed his love, respect, trust/faith in you.

 

If you want your A to be over, then confess to your partner. See HIS pain, the devastation, turning his life upside down.

 

As for your MM, he isn't ever looking to leave, he's totally happy having the A, having two women to meet his needs, just like you are getting something from him.

 

Imagine yourself having to look his wife in the eyes, seeing her pain. Facing his kids, owning up your part in this A.

 

Don't let your addiction to what you feel for him cloud your better judgement. Detach and go seek counseling so you can be sympathetic, empathetic to both your own partner and his wife, understand the damage and pain affairs cause innocent people.

[96nole]

Just keep reading the infidelity board. You'll see lots of damage. The emotional, mental, and physical toll it takes on a BS. The damage it can do to the families. The damage that may happen to the children, whether it's now or years down the road.

 

There is a couple of threads already about what it's like to be a betrayed spouse. Spend time reading those.

 

Then think about how you'll be perceived by others. I know you said it doesn't phase you, but do you really feel that way? Do you think the constant talk about you behind your back wouldn't get to you in some way? Knowing you won't be respected. Knowing other women will think nothing of you other than a whore. Knowing other men will be thinking, "hey for a good time, just call TheOW"

 

What are you and your partner fighting about at all hours of the night. I wonder how much of it is because you have the MM.

 

Ultimately, your MM said he won't leave his wife. That always puts you second. Are you worth only being second in someone's life? What's the damage it's doing to you?

[nofool4u]

People, she doesn't care about the damage that is happening NOW, only that which will happen if the affair is ever found out.

 

OW, if you are serious about getting MM out of your head, then start by realizing you are just a booty call. Ya ya, I know, he loves you:rolleyes:.

 

He keeps coming back because you are easily and readily available.

 

Tell you what, tell him that if he doesn't stop contacting you that you will tell his wife.

[Spark1111]

FBS here...so I will only speak to my switch.

 

My H told her we rarely to never had sex. We had sex at least twice a week during his almost 2 year affair, down from 3 or 4 times weekly, which I chalked up to job stress.

 

he was home and hosting every single holiday; he relished the planning and cooking of it while she sat home alone and he told her how much he missed her.

 

He lied so much to her, almost as much as he lied to me.

 

he took me away for romantic weekends telling her it was business related. He took her away for romantic weekends telling me it was business related.

 

He told her how beautiful she was and how much he missed her. I swear that is MM code speak for "I can't wait to get in your pants again."

 

When DDay hit I threw him out and told him to go get his soulmate. It was absolutely the last thing he wanted and he began begging me back for months!

 

Doubt he ever told her that.

 

Look, are you getting good and angry yet? You should be!

 

Conduct a test. No sex of any kind for a month. Claim mysterious women's issues.

 

See what happens.

[Spark1111]

Just to add...after DDay, I told family and friends because I thought we were divorcing.

 

My children were sobbing and heartbroken. It has taken us years to overcome his lying to us, the man we trusted to love, provide and protect us above all others.

 

They worked together and this is not a huge community either. Many, many people treat both of them as pariahs now, as in how could you? How could you be so selfish as to not tell the truth? Why lie?

 

So, right now as you think of how much he loves you, how much do you love him?

 

because if you really loved him, why are you participating in the potential destruction of his reputation and your's; the devastation of his partner and family and your's too?

 

Because it make's you fell better and their is nothing more interesting to do right now??

[wthhappened]

The pain you are helping to inflict on the BS is worse then the death of a loved one. For me my husbands betrayal was worse then my fathers death. It was worse then then miscarriage I suffered 4 years ago. I would rather relive my dads death and my miscarriage everyday for the rest of my life then to have to suffer the pain of just one day of my husbands infidelity. That is what you are helping to contribute to by staying in this relationship. You are helping to contribute that much pain to someone. He took the vows but you're helping him to break them and in return break her world in pieces. I'm rebuilding right now but unlike death which has an end to it, I have to look at my husband and be triggered for the rest of my life. That means I will always carry some of the pain that the OW helped to cause until the day that I die. Even if I don't stay with my husband. The damage is done and can't be undone. It will be the same for her. She has invested herself into this marriage and relationship longer then you have been alive. WALK AWAY!!!

 

I don't know if the pain is the same for everyone but for me that is how it feels. The woman you're helping to betray might feel the same way. How can you not feel something towards her?

[Tainted love]

You talk about how he makes you feel, especially regarding your appearance. I guess MM must be like seeing yourself in the looking glass...who's the fairest of them all? But when you think about it, it sounds like something is missing in you and you need him to fill the gap - just like there's something missing in him and he's using you to feel the gap. That's not love...it's just a mutually beneficial ego boost.

 

Well done for coming on here instead of replying to him. He is getting braver in contact because he hasn't yet been found out. But the day he is (and it will happen) your looking glass will smash into smithereens. Don't let your fragility be filled by something false. End your current relationship, end your affair and find someone who fills the gaps in you. It's the bravest most courageous thing you can do.

[veryhappy]

There's a topic on the first page of the Infidelity forum about how the betrayed spouse feels.

[waterwoman]

5 months from Dday, reconciling, h doing all the right things, both of us addressing our issues, counselling etc blah f****ng blah... It's hard work but we love each other and we don't want our story to end. But you know what? Today I was hit by the most recent of many clouds of self-doubt. How useless, ugly, fat, inferior I must be for my H of 20 years to fall in love with someone else? And no matter how many times he reassures me, tells me how much he loves me, how beautiful and sexy I am, how much he regrets his affair, it STILL happened! And it can never be undone.

 

Does mm's wife deserve that? Does your partner?

[ComingInHot]

Everything you say about you & your MM's relationship is the way it is w/my husband on a daily and "nightly basis. The way we first locked eyes and the fire burned. The way we talked for hours on end getting to know each other. The way our bodies fit together like pieces of a puzzle that no other piece would fit.

Here is the difference for me:

My husband and I STILL talk endlessly. Our bodies not only fit together but are so intertwined w/each other that we are almost ONE now. The fire that burned so hot when our eyes locked has now become a raging inferno brighter than the sun. I am the ONLY one who has shared his tears of SINCERITY. He is my protector and MY best friend. We take the physical to an ethereal plane at least four times a week (that has never changed).

He is SO in love & committed to me that we had children.

NONE OF THIS CHANGED WHILE HE WAS BANGING A YOUNG WANNA BE ME FOR TEN MONTHS.

He recoils at the mention of the exOW. He has told how he wishes she were or would leave this planet. He wakes from nightmares of my pain that he AND her inflicted. He has even posted here what a monumental mistake she was. He continuously aplogizes for his poor behavior. He throws her under the bus not because of her being skanky enough to sleep w/him But because of how she behaved toward me after.

Lately, and this is my FAVORITE part, we don't even consider her at all.

So why do I even come here right? Because I want to help support the OW's out there that have a conscience and who have empathy and a soul to make better choices now and in the future as well as to support the BS's going through this to let them know they are not alone & regardless of the ending w/or w/out husband, love awaits!!!

[MissBee]

Some of you may know my story from the OW posts. I am having an affair with MM he is 20 years older than me and has been married longer than i have been alive - but this does not phase me. I know his wife she is a lovely woman i even speak to her in the passing - this also does not phase me (of course i feel guilt but im so in love with him i cant seem to realise what i am doing) I have a long term partner also and at first i felt really guilty about betraying him but the more we argue (we are constantly arguing even at 4/5/6am in the morning) MM seems to be an escape for me, im addicted to him and the way he makes me feel. He has told me he would not leave his family and his wife but that he does love me (i am not going to debate this, i know he loves me or the idea of me anyway he does have strong feelings for me anyhow) these are becoming stronger as the months fly by i have seen the changes from him wanting to meet up once or twice a fortnight to wanting to see me 3 or 4 times a week.

Lately everytime he texts i come on here and i try avoiding texting back - then when he gets home from work i get a beautiful and lovely text saying how he was thinking of me today and how beautiful i am and he cant wait to see me again, or how amazing i looked the last time he seen me. And i fall for it every god damn time !! I dont know what i am looking for on here we have set up a day to finish and by god i am determined to do this ... you may ask why not now ?? I am gutless and just cant seem to do it. There is alot more to this story that i havent mentioned but i need this man out my head i need to stop lusting/loving him and start realising the damage that will befall when (not if) this affair comes out. We live in a small community everyone knows us. But this still does not phase me. I need to feel guilt for BW which i am lacking so far because im so involved in myself and him.

 

Not sure how a BW here will help you with that.

 

If you know this woman and speak to her in passing and it doesn't cause guilt, not sure women or men who aren't her on an anonymous board will bring home the point to you further.

 

As you've said, if you're so addicted to him and how he makes you feel, clearly nothing will keep you from your addiction/affair until you hit rock bottom...i.e. everyone finding out, where you have no other choice.

 

If he's an escape for you and an addiction and you realize this, perhaps you should decide to work on yourself and see a therapist who can give you some tools to detach from the attention you need from him. Perhaps such a focus will give you less time to be in the A and to act according to your values. You obviously are in a vulnerable frame of mind and need to find ways to feel good about yourself without needing flattery from a MM.

 

You don't really need BS's to explain hurt to you. You're a human too....you must have a concept of what lying, deception, heartbreak etc are like. Have you not felt that before? All you need to do is to think of how you felt such feelings and how a BS may feel the same way.

Edited November 27, 2012 by MissBee

[TheOW]

We are not all heartless skanks - for me he came into my life like some beautiful god and swept me off my feet when I was going through (and still am) a rough patch with partner we have very young kids and the arguments are becoming worse. I know what I am doing but maybe I'm just too selfish to fully understand the consequences - all I know Is that he's my escape right now. But it hurts it really hurts when he lets me down I don't understand why our A is so intense (or maybe all of them are I don't know) I need to get away from him I need to start feeling more guilt - I have read through some posts and my heart breaks for the BS truly it does but when you think you are madly in love with someone married or not its just hard to get to grips that it can't/won't last you become too involved with your emotions to see things rationally!

[TheOW]

It actually sounds like the only reason you posted is to get responses from BSs so you could feed off their pain because the pain you're causing in your own life just isn't enough for you.

 

 

No I am posting on here because I am trying to get out of it I am trying to get over him - If I wanted to cause pain I wouldn't bother looking at these forums I would be at his door telling his wife what we are upto ! I am on here trying to get my stupid head out off fantasyland and back into reality before I screw up a lot of people's lives forever.

[Decorative]

We are not all heartless skanks - for me he came into my life like some beautiful god and swept me off my feet when I was going through (and still am) a rough patch with partner we have very young kids and the arguments are becoming worse. I know what I am doing but maybe I'm just too selfish to fully understand the consequences - all I know Is that he's my escape right now. But it hurts it really hurts when he lets me down I don't understand why our A is so intense (or maybe all of them are I don't know) I need to get away from him I need to start feeling more guilt - I have read through some posts and my heart breaks for the BS truly it does but when you think you are madly in love with someone married or not its just hard to get to grips that it can't/won't last you become too involved with your emotions to see things rationally!

 

Beautiful gods don't make you an accomplice to lying and harm to another human being.

 

He is telling you by his behavior what you are worth to him. And it's not honorable .

 

Think long and hard.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I don't understand why our A is so intense (or maybe all of them are I don't know)

 

A's are intense because they are not based in reality. You get all of the fun and excitement while the wife is home keeping the household going (and your SO doing the same). Maybe if you had to clean up after him, drive the kids around, and wash the skid marks out of his dirty underwear then he might not seem like such a "beautiful god". You don't have to put up the mundane tasks of every day life and marriage. If you actually lived with him, maybe you two would be the ones up till 5 AM screaming at each other.

 

While you two are on your trysts, his idiosyncrasies are cute and adorable. Once you live with someone day-in day-out, those idiosyncrasies cease to be so cute and lovable.

 

Your love is CHEAP because there is no commitment. The relationship is destined to stay in the early erotic/attraction stages of love; which isn't love but lust. Due to the nature of the relationship it will never develop into TRUE love that transcends sexual chemistry. TRUE love comes at a price. The wife at home has been investing in the REAL relationship for all of these years.

 

MM has made it clear that you are a booty call. And yet you continue to be his side dish. What price is being paid by the wife and your SO for this affair? Keep reading the stories on this forum and ask yourself if it is worth it? Is your reputation worth it? Do you have any sense of self-worth at stake?

[seren]

We are not all heartless skanks - for me he came into my life like some beautiful god and swept me off my feet when I was going through (and still am) a rough patch with partner we have very young kids and the arguments are becoming worse. I know what I am doing but maybe I'm just too selfish to fully understand the consequences - all I know Is that he's my escape right now. But it hurts it really hurts when he lets me down I don't understand why our A is so intense (or maybe all of them are I don't know) I need to get away from him I need to start feeling more guilt - I have read through some posts and my heart breaks for the BS truly it does but when you think you are madly in love with someone married or not its just hard to get to grips that it can't/won't last you become too involved with your emotions to see things rationally!

 

 

I don't like the word skanks, but heartless? yes you and he are being heartless in regard to the feelings of both the BS and your partner, that you know her well enough to speak to makes it even more heartless IMHO. You say he is your escape, no he is a distraction from your situations, which, if it is that bad, that you are compormising your personal values, leave. No doubt you are an escape and distraction for him too, TBH, I would never settle for being a distraction for anybody. I have no doubt his wife is madly in love with him and for him to gaslight, or indeed anyone to gaslight and carry on an A, you can bet they are telling their partner they are madly in love, with them.

 

A beautiful god sweeping into your life, no, he is a man who is going home to his home, his wife and his family after seeing you, your role is that of enabler and toward your partner, that of a person who is prepared to lie, cheat and gaslight to have an escape.

 

As an XBS, my thoughts are that if it is that bad for you both, then give an ultimatum and tell him you will not see him until he is NC with his wife and do the same for your partner.

My feelings toward the OW are total indifference, I can never understand someone who willingly and knowingly shares the person they love with another, nor would I or could I believe a word they said as I would know they were saying and sleeping with someone else. I don't understand being willing to be a secret to the person I love and frankly would have absolutely no respect for someone who expected me to.

 

BS feel pain because the person they love and trust with all that they have betrays the love and trust. TBH, for a lot of BS the AP is not given much importance, simply because on D Day, and most on here will have been through one, we see the WS drop the AP like a hot brick and work their butts off to save the marriage. If you want to end it, why do you need to feed off the pain of BS who post here? There is enough pain practically bleeding from most of the posts on here. Try telling his wife and see it first hand or your partner. Trouble with God's (exceptions permitted) is that they are fantasy, much like a lot of A's I suspect.

 

Some AP on here tell the BS or give the WS ultimatum's, I can relate to that and feel they have got it right. For those that hang on and on for years, I don't understand at all and think the WS must be thanking their lucky stars for such understanding, devoted AP's and such trusting BS. As an XBS, that is how I feel + everything Coming on Hot said.

[frozensprouts]

think of it this way...

imagine your kids are grown and in what they feel is a happy relationship...now just imagine they call you one day crying and tell you their spouse has been having an affair...how do you think they would feel? how would you feel?

 

really think about that...because that is the kind of pain YOU are helping to bring to at least two other people...

 

you seem to get a big boost to your self esteem by bring with this other guy...but how does the affair make you feel about yourself as a person? do you feel good about yourself and what you're doing?

[whichwayisup]

We are not all heartless skanks - for me he came into my life like some beautiful god and swept me off my feet when I was going through (and still am) a rough patch with partner we have very young kids and the arguments are becoming worse. I know what I am doing but maybe I'm just too selfish to fully understand the consequences - all I know Is that he's my escape right now. But it hurts it really hurts when he lets me down I don't understand why our A is so intense (or maybe all of them are I don't know) I need to get away from him I need to start feeling more guilt - I have read through some posts and my heart breaks for the BS truly it does but when you think you are madly in love with someone married or not its just hard to get to grips that it can't/won't last you become too involved with your emotions to see things rationally!

 

Do seek counseling to make you really understand the consquences and fallout of your choices. You're dealing with REAL people, flesh and blood, breathing humans who WILL suffer because of your and MM's choices by having that affair. You WILL rip your partner's heart out. And your kids too. Breaking up that family unit as one, that stability your kids know and expect will be gone!

 

Big deal, so you and your spouse argue. What couple doesn't? Even more so when there are kids involved. Parenting is tough, life can be shi.t sometimes, but having an affair to escape your reality isn't helping you long term, it's a quick band aid that just makes you feel good in the heat of the moment. IT doesn't help your marriage, your family or your feelings/connection to your husband, to make your marriage better at all. It makes it harder and worse as I'm sure you've detached on so many levels from the father of your young children. Family bonding isn't happening anymore.

[KathyM]

Perhaps you don't care about the pain you are inflicting on your lover's wife and children, but what about your children? I assume you love and care about them. What would they think of their mother who is so calously destroying their family and the family of this other man? Do you care at all what your children think about you? What role model you will be showing them? How your behavior will affect them for the rest of their lives? Apparently you don't care about the pain you are causing your own husband either, but I would think that, as a mother, you would care about the consequences your actions would have for your children. Perhaps you don't really care about them either, and only care about some temporary infatuation with this temporary dude. Perhaps you've been hurt at some point in your past and that is why you seem to want to cause pain to others. But your children don't deserve the pain you would be causing them. The OM's children don't deserve this pain either. You need to start thinking of someone other than yourself and your temporary thrills, and start thinking about how your behavior is going to impact your children.

[meandmyself]

We are not all heartless skanks - for me he came into my life like some beautiful god and swept me off my feet when I was going through (and still am) a rough patch with partner we have very young kids and the arguments are becoming worse. I know what I am doing but maybe I'm just too selfish to fully understand the consequences - all I know Is that he's my escape right now. But it hurts it really hurts when he lets me down I don't understand why our A is so intense (or maybe all of them are I don't know) I need to get away from him I need to start feeling more guilt - I have read through some posts and my heart breaks for the BS truly it does but when you think you are madly in love with someone married or not its just hard to get to grips that it can't/won't last you become too involved with your emotions to see things rationally!

 

I guess it all comes to selfishness... you obviously care much more about what you feel that about what the other people (Your husband and the wife of the MM you are having an A with) may feel if they would find out about what you do.

So you want to understand what you are doing to the BS? Well I will tell you that most of us felt that the person we loved the most in our life died the dday... Just imagine the person you most love dying just infront of your eyes... Well that is the most close image I can give you about that feeling... Many of us would also tell you that we would have prefer to die before finding out this was happening and the person you thought was your angel became a monster in your eyes.... It is so painful you almost would like to hurt yourself to avoid the internal pain... Is this picture clear enough?

 

I hope you have enjoyed your little adventure very much because you probably crushed 2 people life's for ever just for that stupid romantic moments...

[cocorico]

I dont know what i am looking for on here we have set up a day to finish and by god i am determined to do this ... you may ask why not now ?? I am gutless and just cant seem to do it. There is alot more to this story that i havent mentioned but i need this man out my head i need to stop lusting/loving him and start realising the damage that will befall when (not if) this affair comes out. We live in a small community everyone knows us. But this still does not phase me. I need to feel guilt for BW which i am lacking so far because im so involved in myself and him.

 

He is meeting some important need you have. And while he continues to do that, nothing will dilute your attraction to him. Hearing about the pain of the BS won't penetrate, it will remain abstract to you as long as that driving compulsion of yours remains so strong. Setting a date to end the A wont help either - if you can't walk away now, you won't be able to on some random day just because you circled it on a calendar. You would simply be relying on his self-control, which, chances are, is as fallible as yours or he'd have ended it sooner too. So the only way this could end, on the current trajectory, is through discovery.

 

Or, you could seek counselling, find out what the strong need is that you are looking to him to meet, and find out how you can meet that in a less risky way. Once the need is met, he will become superfluous and the attraction will cease.

[meandmyself]

He is meeting some important need you have. And while he continues to do that, nothing will dilute your attraction to him. Hearing about the pain of the BS won't penetrate, it will remain abstract to you as long as that driving compulsion of yours remains so strong. Setting a date to end the A wont help either - if you can't walk away now, you won't be able to on some random day just because you circled it on a calendar. You would simply be relying on his self-control, which, chances are, is as fallible as yours or he'd have ended it sooner too. So the only way this could end, on the current trajectory, is through discovery.

 

Or, you could seek counselling, find out what the strong need is that you are looking to him to meet, and find out how you can meet that in a less risky way. Once the need is met, he will become superfluous and the attraction will cease.

 

Again we are focusing in what SHE needs... it is all about her... what about her husband? and the wife of the MM she is seeing? What about her kids? We ALL have needs but we are one step above the animals to be able to control those needs/instincts ... The difference between a good person and a bad person is that when this needs can be fulfilled the good person would think as well about the other people and if it can damage someone else they would no do it... the bad person will just take the easy way and fulfill his/her enjoyment no matter what or who gets hurt...

 

As I said before cheating is all about selfishness, in all the cases the cheater just take any excuse (arguments in marriage, lack of sexual life, etc..) to get justification and fulfill their selfish needs. Every history is different but it has the same result... someone found a reason to take the selfish step of cheating in their partner (emotional, physical, doesn't matter)... they regret it or not, they confess it or not, they get forgiven or not, it is always the exact same history... a history of selfishness, of putting yourself first and above of everyone else around you...

[cocorico]

Again we are focusing in what SHE needs... it is all about her... .

 

Yes, I was. Because it is her thread. If her partner posted here, I would be happy to focus on him on his thread.

 

Understanding why someone is doing something they want to stop doing can help them to see how to go about addressing and resolving it. Stating the obvious and telling them to feel bad,, when they've already stated that hey know that intellectually but feel no guilt, seems ineffective and beside the point to me. If TOW wants to stop the A, telling her what she already knows is unlikely to help her stop it. Helping her to think about why she finds the A so compelling, so that she can address that, might show her a way in to change her behaviour.

 

I'd rather support someone in helping to make the changes they're trying to make, than pointlessly bashing them hoping that eventually they'll submit.

[waterwoman]

I don't think you are heartless. I dont know anyone who is entirely heartless. We all weigh our desires against those of others all the time, and come to different decisions at different times. I have never been in an affair but I came close once and I do remember the intensity of the feelings around that. And let's be honest, if I had been entirely unselfish maybe I would have let H work through his affair with OW when I found out about it. But I'm not, I'm human. So are you.

 

I can tell you how much H's affair hurt me. Well I did tell you. I can tell you it's wrong and cruel. But I don't know if it will help you end it. Perhaps coco is right, disclosure will take the matter out of your hands. It will cause massive damage to all of you, but if you need help with your decision, you'll definitely get that. Good luck x