Mrlonelyone Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 (edited) In short a young woman I've been talking to wrote me a FB message saying that they are serious about us but that I should leave them alone on FB. That FB is just a silly social networking website. That the volume of my communication on FB is overwhelming. (Reviewing the history, since we last were together in person I'd sent like three messages, seven counting a wall posting that one of her friends conversated with me on). I said sure, I'm sorry if I crowded your online space, so long as we are still ok in real life. They said yes "we are cool. I promise!" We have firm plans to meet again in person in about a month. They also haven't limited or restricted my access in any way. We also have other ways of communicating ie. skype. I'm looking for a sanity check: I'm thinking that her asking to be left alone on FB isn't breaking up or wanting no contact at all ever. Given the context and that we mutually disregard facebook. I'm unsure if the above is a really sane way to think since FB is so darn important to people now. Edited November 27, 2012 by Mrlonelyone
carhill Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 Sounds like she may be sensitive to how her 'public' image is perceived, relevant to you. I don't use FB but have used social media in the past and have seen such perspectives from people. However, the phrase 'leave me alone', most likely proffered in the cold vacuum of a text or e-mail, likely would be perceived by myself as a canary. That's a poor and inappropriate communication of boundaries, IMO, if this is a mutually beneficial and ostensibly loving relationship to progress.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 Sounds like she may be sensitive to how her 'public' image is perceived, relevant to you. I don't use FB but have used social media in the past and have seen such perspectives from people. Ah. Yes, that is one possibility. For many reasons our relationship, whatever we call it, wouldn't be orthodox. However, the phrase 'leave me alone', most likely proffered in the cold vacuum of a text or e-mail, likely would be perceived by myself as a canary. That's a poor and inappropriate communication of boundaries, IMO, if this is a mutually beneficial and ostensibly loving relationship to progress. Yes, the cold vaccum. No body language no tone of voice to go by. We relied heavily on that. FB was awkward feeling, mehaps it's for the best if we reconnect in person or perhaps on skype...with video.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 Here's the step I took. First I considered breaking all ties, blocking them...telling them to not even look at me in person. Then I cooled down. I wrote to them, in the future they should let me know what their boundaries are before feeling overwhelemed. (by a whopping four or five messages in about two weeks time).
Carenth Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Basically until my partner and I met in person we never interacted in public on facebook we were friends on it but never spoke publically to each other on it. She would of been the last person you would of guessed I was in a relationship with based on my interactions on facebook, a lot of my not so close friends were quite shocked when we became public thinking "who the hell is this? where did she come from." We communicated through skype and other mediums. Partly because I guess your facebook page is linked to everyone you know and in some ways is a reflection of your social self, even if you think facebook is stupid. For us it was more about the first meeting and making sure there is that connection in person as we had online. Few things are little more embarrassing than informing your friends and social circle "hey this is my boyfriend/girlfriend!" then have it implode on your first meeting because you don't click in person. We now have photos of each other on facebook and talk communicate a little in public on there but for the most part will still use skype as our main platform of communication. Honestly I really do hate facebook in a lot of ways I think it puts a lot of strain on relationships for no reason. 1
Author Mrlonelyone Posted November 28, 2012 Author Posted November 28, 2012 So true. If she and I work things out when we meet again, and we have to deal with another separation of this duration, Skype will be relied upon.
PepperPotts Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Mrlonelyone.. pardon the intrusion, but why would your relationship be unorthodox? I understand keeping things quiet until they're certain. My boyfriend and I did that and we were in person. But there's a difference to me between not making your relationship public and not being open Facebook friends. And "leave me alone" seems very harsh... So I feel like I'm missing something here.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted November 28, 2012 Author Posted November 28, 2012 (edited) Unorthodox. Their white, I'm not white. They are ten years younger. I am transgendered but hey, they occasionally dress up as a cartoon character...but lets be real what I do would be considered a bigger deal for some reason. You know unorthodox. Lots of people could have a problem with us even being friendly let alone anything at all more than that. Oh and we did meet in person and got to know eachother in person for a few months. The long distance thing has been for a couple weeks over a break between terms that still has six more weeks to go. It's not like I've been declaring love on one hand or sending lude pictures on the other. I've just been the same level of friendly and a little flirty that I've always been. Edited November 28, 2012 by Mrlonelyone
PepperPotts Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Well as long as everybody's legal, I'm still confused. I'm assuming by "dresses up like a cartoon character" you mean she's otaku. Hmmm. Then the next question I would have is whether you believe she's good at communicating or not. If she is, then "leave me alone" is exactly what it sounds like, and she's not ready for a relationship as complicated as yours would be. If she's not, give her the benefit of the doubt. But seriously, "leave me alone" is too harsh. The hardest thing about LDR is working out communication... hang in there, MLO!
Author Mrlonelyone Posted November 28, 2012 Author Posted November 28, 2012 Well as long as everybody's legal, I'm still confused. I'm assuming by "dresses up like a cartoon character" you mean she's otaku. Ah it is refreshing to find someone, not on an Anime forum who knows those words. Such is a part of why I clicked with the person in question. Hmmm. Then the next question I would have is whether you believe she's good at communicating or not. If she is, then "leave me alone" is exactly what it sounds like, and she's not ready for a relationship as complicated as yours would be. If she's not, give her the benefit of the doubt. I'll have to think about that. Given the overall context of the message I've taken it to mean she feels she needs some space. Now that I think about it, this might not have even been about me. Instead it was about others not leaving messages. But seriously, "leave me alone" is too harsh. The hardest thing about LDR is working out communication... hang in there, MLO! Thanks.
justwhoiam Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Why do you keep saying "they"? Are you talking about a woman or a couple or what?
Author Mrlonelyone Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 Why do you keep saying "they"? Are you talking about a woman or a couple or what? They are a woman. The word 'they' is a gender neutral pronoun which can be used for a man, woman, for more than one person, or someone who's gender isn't really binary. Gender-neutral pronoun - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
justwhoiam Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 They are a woman. The word 'they' is a gender neutral pronoun which can be used for a man, woman, for more than one person, or someone who's gender isn't really binary. Gender-neutral pronoun - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia It's ok when you don't want to disclose their gender, but if you say it's a woman, using "they" really sounds out of place, incorrect and quite confusing. Anyway, no one in love would want to be left alone, IMO. I guess she wants to clearly separate her sexual life from her public image/social life, like the two are not going to meet anywhere. My two cents on this.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 It's ok when you don't want to disclose their gender, but if you say it's a woman, using "they" really sounds out of place, incorrect and quite confusing. Anyway, no one in love would want to be left alone, IMO. I guess she wants to clearly separate her sexual life from her public image/social life, like the two are not going to meet anywhere. My two cents on this. Quite true. Then there is a very strange qualification "on Facebook". It may well be as ya'll have said. She is concerned with what someone or the other may think of her and I. At any rate, we worked it out. She felt I was claiming too much of her online "space". A minor conflict over the boundaries within, not the ending of, our relationship (whatever it should he called).
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