Is he using me or does he really like me? I don't know what he wants..its too fast..

[trustandlove]

I really need to get this off my chest and find someone to help me figure this out..

 

a little about me - I'm just turning into my twenties and have never had a boyfriend. I'm inexperienced with love and dating but I do know what I want from a guy.

 

Recently I met a guy for a really short time when I was at work and he told me to contact him regarding some business introductions. what I did not know was that he was attracted to me. A month later he called me and told me how he felt and that he wanted to ask me out on a date and not just be friends. Since I didn't know a thing about him when he called i thought it would be mean to turn down someone just like that, so i agreed to his request to go out with him.

We spoke on the phone a little more and I knew he was a lot older than me but I didn't know by how much. He didn't wanna tell me how old he was though because he thought it would sabotage my impression of him so I letted it go.

Our first date wasn't anything "traditional." He wanted me to go get something with him and help him out before he took me to dinner. He was genuinely friendly and caring during the whole time though and he was showing all signs to me that he was absolutely attracted because he couldn't stop smiling and telling me stories. He wouldn't stop looking at me either. He told me I could ask him anything so i made sure he wasn't married or anything. Turns out he married once before but was divoriced, and he doesn't have children. After dinner he told me he wasn't gonna take me to his home because he knew it was gonna scare me off so he wanted to show me his office and bring the stuff that he bought as well. We started talking and chatting until suddenly he wanted to move over to the couch and talk and then he proceeded to cuddle and hug me. I have no idea whether if i really like him but I knew I was at least attracted to him physically so I just went with the flow and letted it happen. Things started to heat up and we started kissing and making out (that was my first kiss) and then he took my top off. It was a really passionate make up session and I was okay with him doing that so I didn't say no. Then we started hugging a lot and he told me that he was really turned on so he might come. I didn't know too much about what was gonna happen so i just said okay.. After making out a little more he took his pants off and wanted me to give him a handjob. I was so caught up in the moment I thought it was alright too so i went with it. He didn't come that night cause it was time for me to go soon, but by the end of the night he told me he wanted us to be exclusive and he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I didn't realize what I was getting myself into or if I was really falling for him but I knew I was attracted so I said okay. I also knew that I didn't want him to tell me about his age later so I asked him and he said he really trust me more than he thought he would and told me he was 25 years older. I didn't think it was a problem and I was attracted to him. Then he gave me money and took me down to take a cab and he left. (Now I start to wonder even if he didn't have a car why he didn't bother to take me home on the same cab first.. or am i thinking too much?)

 

The next day when i woke up I was emotionally messed up and i didn't know what was going on with my mind. I was afraid that I was being too easy for him and that he might be taking advantage of me.. but I also saw how much he cared so i didn't know.. I mean guys don't ask to be exclusive on the first date do they? At some point I felt like I was used but at some point I just didn't. So I called him up that night and told him I wanted to speak to him and he got really frustrated and told me that I was hurting him because he really cares about me. I didn't even tell him what I wanted to say but he knew that I might want to change things around so he kept basing on the fact that we made promises to each other the first night and if things change it would be called lying to each other. He said he wasn't interested in that and if i didn't care about him then i should say goodbye to him. He also said that he probably isn't the right guy for me but I did really wanna see him.. That honestly hurt me a little because it sounded like he was so insisting on this fact and telling me to say goodbye. Then he realized I wasn't too comfortable with getting too physical with him (I was fine with making out but just not the HJ but he didn't really understood). He said that he wasn't willing to keep the physical intimacy out because he has needs... I do care about him but i felt that things were going too fast.. obviously he doesn't think so and so the talk went on for a little longer and I don't know what sort of solution we came up with but we met the next day.

 

I met him for lunch and he was gonna take me up to his place since he was waiting for a package to arrive (which i thought was okay at first because he told me he wasn't gonna do anything i didn't want but I didn't realize that was leading him on) So when i was there we started to make out and he wanted me to also take my bottoms off (insisting that we weren't gonna have sex but he wanted us to make out passionately) I told him I wasn't ready for all that yet and things were just going too fast for me and he thought we worked something out on the phone when I was confused where we were getting. He said i was breaking his heart but I honestly didn't know I was doing it. He wasn't happy with my decision but he respected it.. he also told me that by doing what I'm doing I'm pushing people away, which he isn't wrong because I have issues with trusting people... then later he told me since he didn't come the other day so he needed to come twice because he was having a lot of pain down there. I didn't wanna show him I didn't care so I helped him out. I was feeling alright by that time that I could help him out.. He said he was gonna be okay waiting for me to be ready if we keep doing what we're doing now.. so I asked him if he still thinks he isn't the guy for me and he said he thinks he is now since we were bonding.. I didnt reply. Afterwards he made me some food and even watched movies with me and cuddled so I wasn't too uncomfortable when I was there. I wanted to tell him that I want things to go slower though but I didn't know how to tell him with him always being so convincing so I didn't mention it. I did explain to him how my thoughts of an ideal relationship should start off building an emotional bond before going too physically but he didn't agree with me. He thinks physical bond and emotional bond are suppose to happen at the same time.. He said that no other guy out there would do that unless if they were just trying to take advantage of him and he was already being really respectful of me. I couldn't disagree with him on that, and all in all he is very caring and a nice guy but I started to feel that he had so much sexual needs that i am just not ready for. I can't figure out if I am really falling for him or if I'm just physically attracted to him.. and neither do I know if he's only sexually attracted to me and nothing more. I don't think I would wanna lose my virginity any sooner and I don't think he really gets it.. he probably thinks if i love him i wouldn't want him to suffer or something but that he would respect me until i'm ready. Later on he had to go to work so i he took me on a cab to the nearest public transport after grabbing a snack and said goodbye to me.

 

The night came and since i was by myself my thoughts were becoming so much clearer about what happened. I didn't regret giving him HJs but I was worried if he was simply using me or manipulating me without realizing. He always wants to see me sooner and texts or calls to tell me he misses me but I don't know if he really means it. He said he would never ever lie to me but with him being so rushed with me I just don't know how I'm really feeling. I obviously can't say I am completely smitten with him because there's still so much I don't know about him. But I do know that I do wanna get to know him better, which is why I have no idea how I'm supposed to handle this situation. Is he the right guy for me?

I can't stop wondering if I take the physical attraction down to a minimal level would he still like me regardless through the emotional bond, and that's what I feel we're lacking now. I can't risk pouring my heart out for him and being physical with him and then maybe realize after that there's a dark secret or something new that I don't know. I'm not that kind of girl who would just be okay with physical because an emotional bond is so important to me. I don't know how to tell him I wanna at least go on a few dates without taking my clothes off(making out would be fine). I need to know him better first. and I'm scared he doesn't see eye to eye with me on it and I might just lose out on a great guy. Is he so used to dating this way with every girl he knows that he thinks this is how he's gonna find a serious relationship? he told me he's looking for something serious and so am i.. but he doesn't seem to be doing it the right way.. or are all guys just like that? Yes I might be changing things up a little.. but it's only for the better... and he seems to be so afraid of being flexible and changing and worried that he's not gonna be able to find release. I have a feeling that if i want him around for sometime.. and I keep doing what I've already been doing with him before.. it's not gonna last long because I'm gonna be emotionally ****ed up when i'm alone... i feel like I would be ripped apart and i can't handle that.. how do I tell him without getting into a fight? I thought about giving him a ten minute speech so i can give him every piece of my mind and let him understand the way i feel... but guys don't really like to listen do they?

How do I find out if he just wants me physically or if he's both mentally and physically attracted to me? What AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? do you think he would change his mind and work it out with him if I give him a piece of my mind? or what the hell should i do?

If he is hoping to look for a good person in his life and only like my for my physical side and nothing more than I have to leave because I can't handle things like that... I have to be emotionally compatible before i can really enjoy and be passionate about what I do physically.

 

I'm so sorry for this long thread but i really need help, I have no idea what I'm gonna do. my heart has been beating so fast the past few days i don't know if it's a bad omen or if Im falling for him..

 

 

Update: So I called him and asked if he was okay with taking things slow without being so physically intimate for a few more dates and he asked me if i didn't wanna be his boyfriend. Then I explained that I can't answer it because it's only been two dates and it's too fast. He then told me that it wasn't fast at all and that I should go ahead and date a few more guys and i'll end up coming back to him and apologizing because I'm being too naive. so AM I too naive? or is he just a guy who's been through so much he doesn't know how to be romantic anymore?

Edited November 27, 2012 by trustandlove

[clia]

Oh, honey. Reading your post seriously broke my heart. You sound incredibly naive and inexperienced. This OLD man is not only taking advantage of you, but is treating you so disrespectfully.

 

Most men who are in their right mind do not ask you to be their girlfriend on the first date.

 

Men who love you will never pressure you to take your clothes off if you are not ready--nor will they pressure you for handjobs or sex if you arent ready.

 

Men who love you see that you get home safely and don't just dump you in a cab or at public transit.

 

This man is using you for sex (or handjobs) and is doing it by making you feel like you are wrong for not being ready. You are not wrong here! It's perfectly normal to want to get to know someone before you take off your clothes with them.

 

Do yourself a favor and never speak to this man again. He is the lowest of the low. He's also way too old for you. He has no respect for you. He is using you. I promise you will meet someone else you are attracted to! Most importantly, you deserve better!

[trustandlove]

Hello Cila,

 

Thank you so much for your advice. I've stopped seeing him and have not spoken to him for awhile now. You're right, he did not make me feel like I was appreciated at all, but i was stuck in a situation where I sort of turn blinded and was not able to analyze through what he was really saying.

 

Months have past since I have done any of the hand jobs and making out. I was fine about the making out, but somehow occasionally I would remember about doing all the hand jobs for him and feel so guilty for ever trying to do anything sexual like that. I have never engaged or agree with him to do anything vaginal, anal or oral. All I did was give him hand jobs and take my top off and make out. Somehow going past "below the belt" has made me feel very dirty, and maybe insincere to a nice guy/husband that I hope to meet in the future. Am I just over worrying?

 

Also, I have always made it clear to myself that during that time I have never taken my pants off at all, but somehow I'm very afraid of having lost my virginity or get pregnant.

Do you have any advice?

 

I knew I had my boundaries to keeping my virginity for this one special person but I letted the hand job happen which is why i feel so guilty after. I didn't like having to find out about that boundary by going through this experience and it's still making me very uncomfortable and slightly dirty.

Edited May 4, 2013 by trustandlove