BetrayedH Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 (edited) Thank you to the guys who responded. Someone once posted here on LS that it is harder for a BH to get over a cheating wife than the other way around and that women tend to be more forgiving of a WH than men are of a WW. I don't know about that because as a woman, it was almost impossible for me to forgive my husband. It took a long time. I do think that the WW/BH situation has two immediate strikes against it that may make it more difficult to reconcile. I saw evidence of this here in a lot of the posts written by BH. One strike is the betrayal of the affair. But the other is that (most) women, by the time they cheat on their husbands, have already disconnected emotionally and maybe physically from their husbands. Most women, at least the ones who most men will marry, won't have physical contact with a man without feeling emotionally bonded to him first. So it is a double-whammy. First there is the actual betrayal (physical/emotional) by the wife but then she is too disconnected to try to reconcile. Hence, many BH get the trickle-truth and the continued lying. One stat that Spark throws out from time to time (maybe she'll chime in) is that some 90% of women will attempt to reconcile vs some 75% of men. Initially this leads me to believe that women are more forgiving. But I also wonder about these other gender dynamics. If women tend to be more checked out of a marriage prior to an affair and men are perhaps less likely to be as emotionally involved, perhaps this makes it a tad easier for a BW to reconcile than a BH. Combine this with a man's aversion to his wife being physical with another man and the chances of reconciliation seem even less. Snow may also be onto something about a woman instinctively knowing how offended a man is about a physical affair, leading to more gaslighting and TT. I can also relate to the post about feeling that I was made aware of the disaster in my marriage way too late to effectively do anything but watch my life burn down around me. Despite that our sex frequency had increased ten fold over the same period, my wife had been gone for years. Stupid me didn't know I was in competition with other men. Edited November 29, 2012 by BetrayedH
worldgonewrong Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I can also relate to the post about feeling that I was made aware of the disaster in my marriage way too late to effectively do anything but watch my life burn down around me. Despite that our sex frequency had increased ten fold over the same period, my wife had been gone for years. Stupid me didn't know I was in competition with other men. See, that's the thing I'll never get about some wayward wives: why would they amp up the sex with the BH during this time? (my STBX did the opposite, btw.)
BetrayedH Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 See, that's the thing I'll never get about some wayward wives: why would they amp up the sex with the BH during this time? (my STBX did the opposite, btw.) I think some of it was guilt. She didn't think I should be deprived while she was getting it elsewhere. In a bizarre way, it was also her attempt to "work on the marriage" equally while she was involved with her AP. Unfortunately, I just took the increased frequency (suddenly twice a week instead of more like once a month or less) as a sign that we were reconnecting (finally). Since we had struggled over frequency, this was her attempt to just go ahead and do it in hopes that it would restore an emotional connection. It didn't work, of course, because I had no idea I was supposed to be turning her into a submissive in the bedroom.
road Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I think some of it was guilt. She didn't think I should be deprived while she was getting it elsewhere. No nothing to do with guilt. WW usually have three responses concerning sex with her BH during an affair. WW cut off the BH so they are faithful to their OM. WW never change frequency because they don't want to raise suspicions at home with their BH. Your WW was in the third group. WW affair had her super horny. She could not do the OM enough. You were her sex toy to get her off when the OM was not available. 1
MAD Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 Wow a lot of good post.I'm in the middle of leaving my wife now she still denys it today.But I have a cell phone recording of her and 2 other guys doing her in my living room that she made.Crazy but so hurtfully true it has and is killing slowly everyday.I'm 42 consider myself handsome,smart,hard working man.The sun rose and set with her .She well someday come to terms with her shameless acts of cheating in the worst way.There is not a hr that passes that I don't think about it.I hate myself for not leaving a yr ago .I just want to stop the pain I feel deep with in myself.Why does life kick so hard ???I will never trust a woman again in the same manner that I did and I blame her for that.It is like a nightmare but no matter how soreal it feels it is REAL FR ME I MISS MY BABY BAD.
Author frozensprouts Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 no t sure if it's the same for men, but i know that when y husband was cheating, there were some who meant well, but couldn't understand why i didn't instantly stop loving him ( how can you love him after what he did...you're foolish if you don't- kind of thing)... i just couldn't shut my feelings off like that... is it like that for men too? the being made to feel like you're a fool if you continue to love your wayward spouse?
TheCollector Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 no t sure if it's the same for men, but i know that when y husband was cheating, there were some who meant well, but couldn't understand why i didn't instantly stop loving him ( how can you love him after what he did...you're foolish if you don't- kind of thing)... i just couldn't shut my feelings off like that... is it like that for men too? the being made to feel like you're a fool if you continue to love your wayward spouse? GET OUTTA MY HEAD!!! Yes men feel this just as much as women. I feel it now.but like you said I can't just turn it off.
road Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 Wow a lot of good post.I'm in the middle of leaving my wife now she still denys it today.But I have a cell phone recording of her and 2 other guys doing her in my living room that she made. Have you made WW watch that video? No way she can deny what happened then.
2.50 a gallon Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 Prior to marriage I had a very active dating life, some might call me a player. The Ex though a dozen years younger than me was determined to tame the bad boy. It took her about 3 years before I finally agreed to marry her. At about the sametime she received her college degree and accepted a great job offer that meant we had to move out of state At her new place of employment, she found a number of the male workers were into an EST like cult. It was thru them that we were able to find a nice apartment close to work. From day one I was fighting an army of OM's, everything I did or said was turned around on me, which in turn resulted in us having lots of fights. D-Day was our 6 month wedding anniversary, when I came by her work to surprise her with lunch. I was the one surprised as I caught her kissing a pretty boy guard. I had long ago learned to use my anger as a tool, such as in sports or work, with an "I'm going to show them" attitude. On this day my anger was out of control. I was red hot, and had there not been a chain link fence that protected them, I probably would have spent a lot of time in the slammer. Instead, I called her every name in the book and some I made up one the spot at the top of my lungs, embarrassing her in front of her co-worker and also telling her it was unsafe for her to come home that night Being new to the area and no other place to go she went home with the OM and moved in with him. For me it was total disaster, I had never been hurt so bad in my life. This was made all the worse when out next door neighbor held a BBQ for her, the OM and her OM co-workers while his wife was out of town. They succeeded in getting her drunk enough for her to perform a stip for them. For a week I was at the bottom of a black hole, wondering if I could ever smile of be happy again. And worst of all even though I was an experienced player, doubting my man hood. Then the next door neighbors wife, found a pair of panties that my Ex and drunkenly left behind, and putting two and two together, the two of us began a revenge affair, making her husband listen through our common bedroom wall. The few times we got together I was at the top of my game. Especially him pounding on the wall wanting us to be quiet. A couple of weeks later, with the neighbors wife off again for the weekend to take care of her ailing mother, the next door neighbor again threw another BBQ for her and the OM's. She and he arrived early so she could come over to visit with our cats, actually to rub more salt in the wound. As she was leaving she threw something in our garbage can and spotted an empty champagne bottle, and immediately ran to our bedroom and knew that I had not slept alone the previous night. This brought a total 180 from her, she went out side and yelled at the top of lungs what a loser the OM was in bed, and tried to get me to have sex with her and take her back. The thought of touching her turned my stomach, and even though I still loved her there was no way I could ever take her back. All of this happend 30 years ago, I have long forgotten most of the details. But just recently remembered that about a month after we separated, I met a single gal, and about a month later we tried to have sex. She was very sexy , but try as I might I could not perform. I couldn't get the images of my Ex kissing the OM and what they did later out of my head. That really bothered me, I had never suffered from impotance before, and why could I really out do myself with one of the OM's wifes, who was not near as good looking as my new GF. Then a week or two later, while out at a bar with some of my co-workers and their spouses, I was dancing with one of the wifes, and upon returning to the table we were at over heard two of the wifes husbands say something to the affect that they weren't sure if I was a man or a woman, being as I liked to dance and had long hair. That really ticked me off, then turning my anger into a tool, I made up my mind to screw their wives. It took three weeks for the first and and a couple of weeks later I scored with the second. And again I was able to really out do myself. That is when I slipped over to the dark side and began seducing married women. Angry sex turned me on, while normal sex did hardly anything for me. It was about six months later before I could once again have normal sex with a single woman.
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 no t sure if it's the same for men, but i know that when y husband was cheating, there were some who meant well, but couldn't understand why i didn't instantly stop loving him ( how can you love him after what he did...you're foolish if you don't- kind of thing)... i just couldn't shut my feelings off like that... is it like that for men too? the being made to feel like you're a fool if you continue to love your wayward spouse? Yes! I also feel like the OM is laughing at me. And I don't even feel it as entirely an external thing. My own inner voice taunts me as well.
road Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Yes! I also feel like the OM is laughing at me. And I don't even feel it as entirely an external thing. My own inner voice taunts me as well. Also the OM can not even be giving you a second thought. Remember he did not care that your WW was married so why would he think about her BH. All he thought about was getting laid. Got laid. Now he is occupied looking for a WW to lay.
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