How a beterayed husband feels....

[frozensprouts]

There's a response in another thread on here about how a betrayed husband feels... I was wondering it's different than how a betrayed wife feels ( some of what he said reminded me of how I felt, and some sounded different)...

 

Is it really a different experience for men and women, and if so, is there any general "advice" that's better suited for a husband who's a betrayed spouse?

 

If you're a guy who's been a betrayed husband, how do you feel, and what was helpful to you and what wasn't in beginning to feel better again?

[NotCamelot]

I felt as if I was just told my wife had died. Sudden severe loss. Very real chest pains. Panic. Desparation. Suddenly felt very alone. Afraid.

 

There are not enough words to describe how hurt I was/am. It is nearly the same as a spouse or child dying.......but much worse. There is nothing equal on a pain level that I can think of. The thought of the one thing you cherished most being enjoyed by someone else........nothing compares.

 

The most helpful thing to me was my W going overboard to prove that it was over because she really loved me. She showed regret and remorse. She accepted ALL responsibility for the A. The fact that she made it all her fault helped me tremendously. She devoted ALL of her attention to me/us and started proving it on D-day.....it was slow at first, but it built quickly.

 

The worst thing ( wasn't helpful) was the "trickle truth". It would be much better if the cheater just told the spouse everything up front; all at one time. Revealing bits at a time causes the initial pain to last much longer.

[Snowflower]

From reading here on LS and my experience with BH IRL, is that men do process things after a betrayal very differently than women. For that reason, I tend to now stay away from the "cheating wife" threads.

 

It seems when I have tried to weigh in on those threads regarding BH/WW situations, my advice as a BW is largely disregarded and the men tend to group together for commiseration and advice. I'm not sure why because I can still identify with a lot of what a BH is feeling but somehow it is different I guess.

 

I do find that the initial feelings of betrayal are the same no matter who you are. However, how each gender processes the betrayal emotionally tends to differ. Men reach the anger stage much more quickly, IMO whereas us women tend to internalize the betrayal much longer. Anger turned inward perhaps initially?

[road]

Men tend not to care as much about the emotional feelings his WW had for the OM though can't stand that the WW let the OM touch and use her body, burr, shudder.

 

Then the trickle truth.

 

I have seen affairs end, BH and WW reconcile, stay married, enjoyed their family and grand kids but they never recovered.

 

There is a difference between reconciling and recovering. Reconciling is the affair was eneded and the BH and WW decided to not divorce but continue the marriage.

 

Recovered is that the affair ended and they healed.

 

When a BH is trickled truth he never gets the whole truth and is left trying to figure out what went on. What the BH does not know only leaves the BH runing every varaion of every senario through his mind that could have gone down in his WW affair.

 

The BH search for the truth never stops. Even 30 years later the BH still tries for the whole truth.

[96nole]

I think there is a lot of commonality for both the male BS and the female BS. Both feel the shock and pain of the lies, betrayal, disrespect, and dishonor. Each will feel the emotional, mental, and physical pain as a result of the cheating.

 

One of the differences for the men is it also hurts our ego. Some other guy has trespassed into our territory. Some other guy has been in our wife. Some other guy thinks he is better than we are. I think it gets down the male animal instinct. The civilized part of us gets shoved out of the way by the animal part. My first reaction was I wanted to kill that God damned son of a b*tch. You have no idea how much control it took for me not to go and rip him to pieces. I have no doubt in my mind I would have killed him.

 

For men, the physical is more hurtful than the emotional. The opposite seems to be true for women.

 

What was helpful the first time she cheated was that she seemed to be a truely remorseful wife. Unfortunately, I believed her lies. She said they only kissed, but I doubt that now.

 

The second time she cheated, there wasn't much that helped other than have close family and some really good friends help and listen. It did help that after the divorce was over, I moved out of the house and into my own apartment. I killed me at first to think that she was going to move the dirtbag into my house after I signed it back over to her. But the house was too much of a reminder of our failed marriage. It also helps that I just found out last week that after she moved the dirtbag in, he moved his mommy in with them. WOW, what a loser, he can't be without his mommy. :lmao:

 

Ultimately, it's time and zero contact that has helped. I've blocked her phone from calling or texting me. I blocked all of her known email addresses from mine. Luckily we don't have kids. That means there is absolutely no reason for me to have contact with that person ever again.

[Spark1111]

I have read all of the above that was so eloquently expressed here.

 

Men, whose utmost expression of love is in the physical act, have a much harder time getting past the mind movies of sexual intimacy. if they cannot, it seems they move quicker to divorce, and I agree, seem angrier about it all.

 

Women seem to be more devastated by the sharing of emotions and all the romance built into it.

 

Both sexes take a supreme hit to the ego, maybe for different reasons, after discovery of the affair.

[JamesM]

 

One of the differences for the men is it also hurts our ego. Some other guy has trespassed into our territory. Some other guy has been in our wife. Some other guy thinks he is better than we are.

 

I am not a betrayed husband, so I hesitate to add my 2c. But I will.

 

To me, this may be the biggest difference between a man and a woman. I would feel this too. The betrayal would hurt, the breaking of trust, would hurt, and the idea that I was replaced as her emotional friend would really hurt.

 

But the ego thing would really hit to the core. The idea that I could not sexually satisfy my wife, and some other guy could would hit my self-esteem hard. Not just that he was inside of her, but that he manipulated her so that she was sexually aroused and climaxed. The idea that I could not give her orgasms, but another guy could...this would cause me to doubt myself in many areas of life.

 

Weird that this would be the biggest hurt, but I think it would. She could do everything to prove that she loved me again and that I could trust her, but the fact that someone else was able to give her the sexual pleasure that I could not would never be forgotten.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

One of the differences for the men is it also hurts our ego. Some other guy has trespassed into our territory. Some other guy has been in our wife. Some other guy thinks he is better than we are. I think it gets down the male animal instinct. The civilized part of us gets shoved out of the way by the animal part. My first reaction was I wanted to kill that God damned son of a b*tch. You have no idea how much control it took for me not to go and rip him to pieces. I have no doubt in my mind I would have killed him.

 

For men, the physical is more hurtful than the emotional. The opposite seems to be true for women.

 

Hell yeah! For me ego and that territorial instinct was a huge hurdle. Another man came over to MY house and pleasured MY wife, sat on MY furniture, rode around in MY prized car. The physical part was enough to drive me over the edge. Many times I fantasized about going "Casino Royale" (James Bond movie torture scene) on the SOB. Luckily for me when I found out about the past affair, the AP lived far away. If we all still lived in the same area, that would've been extra hell for me. Knowing myself, I would've ended up in jail eventually; at least a restraining order.

 

As it was mentioned in the other thread, the thought of the OM saying, "Yeah, I had your wife. She's a nice piece of ass," grated me for a long long time. That cuts deep.

 

If it was strictly an EA, I would've been able to deal with it in a more rational state of mind. It took me years to get over the PA, I suspect that than I could've gotten over an EA in a much shorter time frame.

 

For true reconciliation, I had to get past the major blow to my ego. As my counselor said, EGO stands for "Easing God Out". That was exactly what I was doing.

 

From reading these threads, I feel that the sexual mind movies haunts men more than women.

 

PS - There's a section in the Five Love Languages that says if your prime love language is physical touch, then adultery strikes extra deep. This was my case.

Edited November 27, 2012 by Betrayed&Stayed
post script

[waterwoman]

From reading these threads, I feel that the sexual mind movies haunts men more than women.

 

 

Yep. I honestly couldn't have cared less if it had 'just' been sex. if he'd gone to a prostitute it would have been preferable. I'd have been a bit grossed out perhaps but not that hurt or betrayed. THe problem was the emotional connection. And he knew that. He loved her. Even now those words freeze my heart. 'She has a really good line in BJs' simply wouldn't have been as bad . Of course even if it had been 'just' sex that might well have developed into something more.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Hey Frozen Sprouts. I guess you saw my thing on the other thread. I will take the opportunity to cross post here. I hope that is acceptable on LS. I'm new. I will say how I feel and I love feedback since this is very new and raw to me.

 

I feel unbearable pain mostly. I also feel like, as a guy, I can't tell anyone I know about this. (I love that I can talk on LS. My wife actually found the site. Probably to find comfort from other cheaters.) I think that people outside LS will think of me as not good enough to keep her satisfied and stupid for wanting her back and ridiculous for pinning for the days when she was faithful. And especially other guys thinking how could I be with a woman that got naked with another guy. How could I put up with her after that. How could I even think about trying to work it out.

 

And the AP, thinking that he has had my wife. I'm disgusted. That there is another guy out there that saw her naked and screwed her. While I was married to her and thinking she loved me. I think maybe he is laughing at me now. "What a jerk, I've had your wife you idiot. She was great. Thanks for supporting her while I f'ed her. " That kind of thing.

 

I feel ashamed about all the people that know about this. The AP made sure to tell all his friends and co-workers. My wife is really pretty so he was proud of his conquest. I feel like so many people know and laugh at me behind my back. In reality I know none of them so this is my imagination. But I do know that a lot of people saw them together. That he introduced her to a lot of people saying they would get married. And I'm constantly worried that at some point I will be out with my wife and we run into one of them. Or the AP. I feel like moving far away and never looking back here. Hiding in shame so to speak.

 

I feel sick that I can't get the image of the two of them together in bed out of my mind. I've never seen that but I imagine. It really hurts.

 

I feel so hurt that she tricked me and told me to my face she loved me while she was doing this. But mostly I feel unbearable pain.

 

The few people that I have told are amazed about one thing. Me too. I don't seem to have much anger for my wife. I have huge anger for the guy. Dangerous anger for him. But my wife I feel sorry for. She was duped by a MM. Sure she hurt me but she is suffering now too. Humiliated worse than me really. She was dragged to the gutter and has to live with what she did. And live with the fact that a lot of people know what she did. I think we will probably get divorced. Like one OP said she checked out of this marriage long before she cheated. And as I said, and as my handle indicates, I can't get over it. I can't stand the thoughts that come to me whenever I see my wife.

 

One more thing I feel. I feel too dependent on her and the R. I know that is my problem. Her A brought that to light. When I found out I was instantly in total fear thinking, how could I go on without her! I still feel like that often. I feel total panic and deep depression. Like my life can never be good again. If we stay together I suffer the pain of knowing that she did this and that I put up with it. If we don't stay together I can't imagine how I will be ok. I know I need to be ok no matter what happens or I'm not a well person. I need to be ok with or without her or anyone or else I'm never going to be in a healthy long lasting R. I know that but I'm not there yet.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Yep. I honestly couldn't have cared less if it had 'just' been sex. if he'd gone to a prostitute it would have been preferable. I'd have been a bit grossed out perhaps but not that hurt or betrayed. THe problem was the emotional connection. And he knew that. He loved her. Even now those words freeze my heart. 'She has a really good line in BJs' simply wouldn't have been as bad . Of course even if it had been 'just' sex that might well have developed into something more.

 

 

I'm just he opposite. I knew my wife was having an EA with the guy. I just believed her it would never get physical. That was stupid, I know. Duck Soup please don crucify me for that again. But the EA did not bother me. Till it got physical.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I agree with much of what has been said already.

 

I wanted to add that I think a lot of differences for the BH's experience also hinge on the differences between WWs and WHs. I struggle to not be biased...and I've definitely read about some unremorseful WHs, some of them posters here even...bit it feels like there are lot of WW's who feel pretty justified in their behaviour because things tend to be emotionally based. I came here asking if my demands were reasonable and I got an overwhelming "YES!", and lots of examples were given of WSs who had done extreme things to make up for the A. Later I realized that every single one of those stories that had given me hope were about WHs...like the lady who had a sensei husband who sold his dojo and gave up karate after decades of practice, or men who quit jobs to prevent contact.

 

But of course there's never a rule, like Dig's WW seemed pretty remorseful and forthcoming, which really took me by surprise given the length of her affair...or <unnamed WH LS poster> who is a completely remorseless WH...

 

Then there's the pressure as a man to try to absorb everything and be the hero, though I think both sexes try to do this...but some men have this chivalry drive going that can drive us to complete self destruction =\

 

I have to admit watching some of the "DON'T GET MARRIED" videos that some of the more extreme male posters here posted a while back. I think as a result of watching those, Youtube suggested I watch this:

and the vlogger (a female) goes over the point I mention in my last paragraph, about men trying to "just try harder" instead of standing up for themselves. I know in real life I got a fair amount of pressure to do just that (not here on LS though! ) I think there are a number of us who do that and just suppress the anger even longer..though as a gender we tend to be more volatile when angry. I think that's a dangerous combination. I think nothing is more frustrated than having someone simply ignore you lie to you. It makes you blow your top even worse. I noticed my wife and I would take turns acting nuts..generally one of us would be calm while the other was going ape **** =D Anyway, I think this kinda thing is why things go so badly when trickle truth hits...like couches getting burned or worse ^^ The calm lies are so infuriating.

 

Of course, I should restate, there's no rule. Men are calm liars too, many WHs ignore everything and do all the same crap. Hmm, yeah my point here was men tend to be more explosive, and when we "just try harder" and try to be the knight in shining armor..things blow up that much worse when we finally reach our limit of seeing our WWs lie and generally ignore the our feelings with their actions. I'm glad my WW and I are separated now...my anger still burns me up all the time. I hate it.

 

Interesting tidbit, in the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", it says that research found that men need like 20 minutes to cool down after an upset when women can calm themselves much faster.

[TheCollector]

Thank you SOOO much for this thread!!! There IS a difference in how men and women handleit. Our ego and self esteem play a big role. I think women feel like "was I not pretty enough?" Or "was I not sexy enough?". I think men think "was I not satisfying her sexually?" . It is very important to men to do a "good job" sexually. The mind movies of her having an orgasm by some other man destroys us!

 

NotoveritNY I have a lot of similarities with you.

 

Ninjas husband I really enjoyed your last post as well

[Woggle]

I think for the most part it is the same but for men what often adds insult to injury is when he still ends up looking the bad guy and her like the victim. My ex cheating on me was bad enough but to have her friends ganging up on me and acting she was rebelling against some oppressor just really pissed me off. I am sure I am not the only one who has experienced this.

[Pyro]

I think for the most part it is the same but for men what often adds insult to injury is when he still ends up looking the bad guy and her like the victim. My ex cheating on me was bad enough but to have her friends ganging up on me and acting she was rebelling against some oppressor just really pissed me off. I am sure I am not the only one who has experienced this.

 

In other words her friends sided with her. That is pretty common in any break-up. I'm sure that her version of the story differed from yours.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Men tend not to care as much about the emotional feelings his WW had for the OM though can't stand that the WW let the OM touch and use her body, burr, shudder.

 

Then the trickle truth.

 

I have seen affairs end, BH and WW reconcile, stay married, enjoyed their family and grand kids but they never recovered.

 

There is a difference between reconciling and recovering. Reconciling is the affair was eneded and the BH and WW decided to not divorce but continue the marriage.

 

Recovered is that the affair ended and they healed.

 

When a BH is trickled truth he never gets the whole truth and is left trying to figure out what went on. What the BH does not know only leaves the BH runing every varaion of every senario through his mind that could have gone down in his WW affair.

 

The BH search for the truth never stops. Even 30 years later the BH still tries for the whole truth.

 

Wow. This sounds like a nightmare. But one that could come true. Maybe it is good I can't get over it even though right now I think I want to.

[meandmyself]

Hey Frozen Sprouts. I guess you saw my thing on the other thread. I will take the opportunity to cross post here. I hope that is acceptable on LS. I'm new. I will say how I feel and I love feedback since this is very new and raw to me.

 

I feel unbearable pain mostly. I also feel like, as a guy, I can't tell anyone I know about this. (I love that I can talk on LS. My wife actually found the site. Probably to find comfort from other cheaters.) I think that people outside LS will think of me as not good enough to keep her satisfied and stupid for wanting her back and ridiculous for pinning for the days when she was faithful. And especially other guys thinking how could I be with a woman that got naked with another guy. How could I put up with her after that. How could I even think about trying to work it out.

 

And the AP, thinking that he has had my wife. I'm disgusted. That there is another guy out there that saw her naked and screwed her. While I was married to her and thinking she loved me. I think maybe he is laughing at me now. "What a jerk, I've had your wife you idiot. She was great. Thanks for supporting her while I f'ed her. " That kind of thing.

 

I feel ashamed about all the people that know about this. The AP made sure to tell all his friends and co-workers. My wife is really pretty so he was proud of his conquest. I feel like so many people know and laugh at me behind my back. In reality I know none of them so this is my imagination. But I do know that a lot of people saw them together. That he introduced her to a lot of people saying they would get married. And I'm constantly worried that at some point I will be out with my wife and we run into one of them. Or the AP. I feel like moving far away and never looking back here. Hiding in shame so to speak.

 

I feel sick that I can't get the image of the two of them together in bed out of my mind. I've never seen that but I imagine. It really hurts.

 

I feel so hurt that she tricked me and told me to my face she loved me while she was doing this. But mostly I feel unbearable pain.

 

The few people that I have told are amazed about one thing. Me too. I don't seem to have much anger for my wife. I have huge anger for the guy. Dangerous anger for him. But my wife I feel sorry for. She was duped by a MM. Sure she hurt me but she is suffering now too. Humiliated worse than me really. She was dragged to the gutter and has to live with what she did. And live with the fact that a lot of people know what she did. I think we will probably get divorced. Like one OP said she checked out of this marriage long before she cheated. And as I said, and as my handle indicates, I can't get over it. I can't stand the thoughts that come to me whenever I see my wife.

 

One more thing I feel. I feel too dependent on her and the R. I know that is my problem. Her A brought that to light. When I found out I was instantly in total fear thinking, how could I go on without her! I still feel like that often. I feel total panic and deep depression. Like my life can never be good again. If we stay together I suffer the pain of knowing that she did this and that I put up with it. If we don't stay together I can't imagine how I will be ok. I know I need to be ok no matter what happens or I'm not a well person. I need to be ok with or without her or anyone or else I'm never going to be in a healthy long lasting R. I know that but I'm not there yet.

 

I feel your pain man, I totally can understand most of your points.. but I don't agree when you put your wife as a victim and the OM being the evil manipulative monster... I am sorry if this is the way you are working this out to be less painful but is not reality and you need to understand that the one that had a commitment towards you was your wife not the OM, the one that humiliated you allowed that man into her was your wife and not the OM. You can hate him as much as you want because you think he took something that is yours... But the truth is that he didn't take anything, he was willingly given this treasure by your wife...

 

I also feel ashamed to know how many people knew about my wife and the OM and believe me I hate the OM but in my case is different because I also hate my ex-wife and my hate to the OM is not because he slept with her but because he enjoys humiliating me every time he sees me reminding me what he did... That is a totally different history anyway...

 

To the point, I think I agree with most of what you say but I don't agree when you are placing your wife as a victim when she is the major betrayer here... at the end of the day the OM didn't owe you anything...while your wife owed you at least the respect and commitment that she denied you when she gave herself to other man.

[Snowflower]

Thank you to the guys who responded.

 

Someone once posted here on LS that it is harder for a BH to get over a cheating wife than the other way around and that women tend to be more forgiving of a WH than men are of a WW. I don't know about that because as a woman, it was almost impossible for me to forgive my husband. It took a long time.

 

I do think that the WW/BH situation has two immediate strikes against it that may make it more difficult to reconcile. I saw evidence of this here in a lot of the posts written by BH. One strike is the betrayal of the affair. But the other is that (most) women, by the time they cheat on their husbands, have already disconnected emotionally and maybe physically from their husbands. Most women, at least the ones who most men will marry, won't have physical contact with a man without feeling emotionally bonded to him first.

 

So it is a double-whammy. First there is the actual betrayal (physical/emotional) by the wife but then she is too disconnected to try to reconcile. Hence, many BH get the trickle-truth and the continued lying.

[Spark1111]

Thank you to the guys who responded.

 

Someone once posted here on LS that it is harder for a BH to get over a cheating wife than the other way around and that women tend to be more forgiving of a WH than men are of a WW. I don't know about that because as a woman, it was almost impossible for me to forgive my husband. It took a long time.

 

I do think that the WW/BH situation has two immediate strikes against it that may make it more difficult to reconcile. I saw evidence of this here in a lot of the posts written by BH. One strike is the betrayal of the affair. But the other is that (most) women, by the time they cheat on their husbands, have already disconnected emotionally and maybe physically from their husbands. Most women, at least the ones who most men will marry, won't have physical contact with a man without feeling emotionally bonded to him first

 

So it is a double-whammy. First there is the actual betrayal (physical/emotional) by the wife but then she is too disconnected to try to reconcile. Hence, many BH get the trickle-truth and the continued lying.

 

Dr. Frank Pittman says when it comes to infidelity, men will admit to what happened below the waist but have a much harder time expressing what motivations or emotions were involved.

 

Women are the opposite. They know every emotion, detail of feeling that led and sustained the affair, but choose not to share, divulge, or admit to what went on below the waist.

 

it cheapens their feelings.

 

Women, because they justify their actions based on their romantic feelings, are much harder to treat post-affair, IHO.

[road]

Thank you to the guys who responded.

 

Someone once posted here on LS that it is harder for a BH to get over a cheating wife than the other way around and that women tend to be more forgiving of a WH than men are of a WW. I don't know about that because as a woman, it was almost impossible for me to forgive my husband. It took a long time.

 

 

It is not harder for the BH or the BW to get over being cheated on. As individuals some get over easier or if you prefer harder then other BS's.

 

However the BW hurt mostly of how her WH emotionally bonded with his OW.

 

Where the BH hurts most because of what the WW physically gave to her OM.

 

I don't think there is not any BH that would be happy that all his WW did was sit next to the OM in a movie and say ILY and hold hands and or sat across a restaurant table holding the OM hands, staring into the OM eyes and she saying to him ILY.

 

To the BH talk is cheap and actions speak louder then words.

 

To the BW what was said, the relationship with the OW, more important then the sex with the OW.

[96nole]

Thank you to the guys who responded.

 

Someone once posted here on LS that it is harder for a BH to get over a cheating wife than the other way around and that women tend to be more forgiving of a WH than men are of a WW. I don't know about that because as a woman, it was almost impossible for me to forgive my husband. It took a long time.

 

I do think that the WW/BH situation has two immediate strikes against it that may make it more difficult to reconcile. I saw evidence of this here in a lot of the posts written by BH. One strike is the betrayal of the affair. But the other is that (most) women, by the time they cheat on their husbands, have already disconnected emotionally and maybe physically from their husbands. Most women, at least the ones who most men will marry, won't have physical contact with a man without feeling emotionally bonded to him first.

 

So it is a double-whammy. First there is the actual betrayal (physical/emotional) by the wife but then she is too disconnected to try to reconcile. Hence, many BH get the trickle-truth and the continued lying.

 

I agree very much with this.

 

One of the things my ex threw at me was "there is no connection, there isn't any spark". It took several months for me to realize that SHE is the one that broke the connection. SHE is the one that snuffed the spark. She broke it and snuffed it long before I had any idea. I had no chance at that point.

 

That's something that burned in me for a while also. The fact that I had no chance. Things were blowing up around me before I knew it. And by the time I found out, it was way too late. There was nothing I could do. All I could do was watch it burn in front of my eyes.

[CantgetoveritNY]

But the truth is that he didn't take anything, he was willingly given this treasure by your wife...

 

at the end of the day the OM didn't owe you anything...while your wife owed you at least the respect and commitment that she denied you when she gave herself to other man.

 

Hard to argue with that. Thanks for the reply.

 

I still feel sorry for her that she made this choice that ended up burning us both. I hate to see her suffer so much even though it was her that made me suffer.

[CantgetoveritNY]

So it is a double-whammy. First there is the actual betrayal (physical/emotional) by the wife but then she is too disconnected to try to reconcile. Hence, many BH get the trickle-truth and the continued lying.

 

 

Yes, I can see this. I feel like my wife may want to rebuild our marriage, for various reasons, but none having to do with being in love with me now. Before she could bring herself to sleep with the OM she had to get to a point where she convinced herself that I was evil incarnate. So now I'm no longer the devil to her but I' also not her soul mate.

[frozensprouts]

thanks for all the answers...

 

if anyone would like to share...

 

if you feel that you've begun to move on past the betrayal ( whether you stayed together or not) what do you feel was helpful to you and what wasn't?

[CantgetoveritNY]

thanks for all the answers...

 

if anyone would like to share...

 

if you feel that you've begun to move on past the betrayal ( whether you stayed together or not) what do you feel was helpful to you and what wasn't?

 

Maybe you should start a new thread. I think those that come to this one and that comment are mostly in the can't get over it stage or the never got over it destination.