damnedifido Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 Hi. I've posted a few times. I'm now thinking practicalities so I guess that's good. In short. I own my house. I pay the entire mortgage. I pay all the bills and there is no joint bank account. I have bought all large items of furniture. (You get the picture). It has been this way for 8 yrs. I also give my g/f a housekeeping allowance (as she works part time, though there are also historic reasons). There is no deed/declaration of trust. We are not married (after 10 yrs). No kids. Some of you may say she has been "kept". My original plan was to move out as this would save me the distress of taking the/my house from her immediately as well as me. I've been advised (not legally) against this as getting my house back could be tough if things turn nasty. Any shared experiences would be welcome? So. I'm left with having to ask her to leave. I'm happy to provide a (rented) place for her for a few months but eventually she has to become self-sufficient. Her (superficial) quality of life will undoubtedly diminish and it will be my own doing. Has anyone else had to throw out someone they still care for but just can't be with any more? How the hell did you do it? All advice welcome.
CarrieT Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 Don't pay her rent. Just give her a reasonable timeline (six to eight weeks?) to move on. She must have family of some sort that she can go to. Without a deadline, you could be roping into paying her rent for months or years. She is going to have to learn to take care of herself at some point and helping her with a new apartment is another form of enabling. Cut the strings ASAP to start the process. 1
cloudatlas Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 Personally. Damn. Good luck. Secondly, your offer of a rented place for her for a few months is amazing. That's just kind, and the best course of action. She's provided for, and you get your house to yourself. You guys get the space you've needed.
I'm nuts Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 I don't know where you live but the here where I live ( europe) the court wouldn't give a damn you've paid the lot, she has lived with you for 8 years, she is entitled to half. I'd check with a lawyer, I don't think it's as clear cut as you think it is, unless of course your law is different to here, even living together you have no right to throw them out and keep it all.
movingon12 Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 (edited) I assume you have actually broken up already but she hasn't moved out? How strange. If it would be easy for her to get a full time job, then I don't think it's necessary to pay her rent, and you should just start discussing the move with her as though it's not even up for debate. As in 'so, I was thinking, are you going to take the Monet in the living room when you move out? Personally I'm not that fond of it, but I do want to keep the Picasso in the bathroom - I love that one'. If you think it's going to be hard for her to go full time, then it would be incredibly kind if you agreed to pay rent for her while she gets back on her feet - but fix a time frame and get it in writing, signed by you both. Again, don't ask her to move out, just say you've been thinking it's going to be hard to find a nice place on a part time salary, so, if she wants you'd like to pay the rent on her new place for a while. Edit: not sure where you stand legally. Thinking about it, I had a friend who lived with his girlfriend, she paid all the rent because she was working and he was at school, but when they broke up, she got a lawyer and went after him for half the rent for all the time he'd lived with her. She won (he was 17!). Edited November 27, 2012 by movingon12
Author damnedifido Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 No. Not already broken up. But difficult to see how it isn't inevitable (see other posts) and now thinking about realities.
I'm nuts Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 She has lived with you for 8 years and has come to live with a certain standard of living, in the courts eyes you are as married, and they would expect her to live to that same standard of living if you split, in other words, .....be prepared to get screwed.
Author damnedifido Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 Rights for Unmarried Couples - UK Net Guide My name alone is on deeds. All mortgage payments have been mine. I'm taking further advice but it seems the law would be on my side.
I'm nuts Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 It looks like you might be lucky under UK law, but I'm pretty sure here even if you live together your partner is viewed as 'married' in the courts eyes, 8 years is a long time to suddenly be put out on the streets.
carhill Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 Any shared experiences would be welcome? Sure. My exW directly asked me for the keys back to the house I facilitated the purchase of and performed rehabilitation work on once the work was finished and all desired furnishings were moved in. 'I'd like my keys back now'. Yeah, we lived there while H and W. The lesson she taught me was never be afraid to hurt people's feelings. Lesson learned. Do what you want. If you want her gone, make her gone. No apologies, no regrets. Be assertive and clear. Good luck.
KatZee Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 She has lived with you for 8 years and has come to live with a certain standard of living' date=' in the courts eyes you are as married, and they would expect her to live to that same standard of living if you split, in other words, .....be prepared to get screwed.[/quote'] This is not correct. Common law marriage is mainly myth. It does not exist in the UK, and in the USA only 12 of the 50 states uphold common law "marriage" and even then there are certain circumstances to being considered a common law marriage, ie: filing same tax return, using same last name. Merely living with someone for an extended period of time does not give you any extra rights. The only one who's going to be screwed after all this is your gf STBXGF. You basically pampered her like a child and now want to toss her out in the rain. Not really that smart of you to enable her behavior, but what's done is done. Paying for rent is a nice gesture but again it's only enabling her to not do anything. This split is going to be a huge wake up call and she needs these skills in order to live in the real world.
I'm nuts Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 You're probably right, I don't know UK law or USA law, but as far as I was aware here if you cohabit with someone in the eyes of the court when it comes to separation it's not so easy to just throw them out. Also bear in mind in some countries once married they do not change surnames. Marriage is just a piece of paper.
KatZee Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 Marriage is just a piece of paper. This "piece of paper" is actually the thing that entitles the spouse to all these rights. If the married partner doesn't decide to change their surname, that's fine. They're still legally married. No paper, no dice. 1
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