Stupid mistake

[th90]

Arghhh I'm so angry at myself now because I made a mistake. I logged onto my exbf's facebook account to see what he's upto. Why on earth didn't he change his password yet? And guess what? I found nothing. Nothing that tells me he has someone else. Nothing that tells me whether he's happy. Nothing that tells me whether he's over me. Now I have a potential to be found "hacking" because the we are in different places. Fb records them. He will find out I last logged into his fb today (which is 3 weeks post BU)

 

Anyway, just a rant. I wish I could have better self-control to resist the temptation to do that again.

 

Urghhhh!!

[itsmyfault]

People have set backs, this is just one of many you will have, Well only if you let yourself.

 

Don't dwell on it to much.

 

Tbh, Facebook is a pretty fake way of displaying a relationship. It's easy to pretend your happy even if you aren't.

 

Tell yourself this.

 

He is happy

He doesn't miss me

He has someone else

 

If he didn't feel all of the above, he'd still be with you... wouldn't he?

 

I hope it doesn't sound too horrible. but you don't want to ask him these things, If you just make your own mind up about how he feel there is no complex in your mind.

[not-a-drive-by]

I guess the upside is that you didn't find out anything. Don't know why, but I have a huge urge today to take a peek at his FB. I haven't done it yet. Only thing preventing me is me being afraid of seeing him in a relationship .

 

If you find yourself logging into his account again, just remember it's illegal...

[itsmyfault]

Look on his facebook ^^^^^^^

 

If he is in a relationship its going to hurt like hell, but at the end of the day it will make you stronger.

 

The more you find out early on the sooner its outta your system.

 

Well thats what I think anyway.

[movingon12]

^^^^^^^Don't look on his facebook!

 

If he *is* in a relationship you'll want to keep checking to see if he still is, and if he isn't you'll want to keep checking to see if it's changed.

 

And if it doesn't say, you still won't know.

 

Either way it's a slippery slope to fb stalking madness. Stay away!

 

Is it technically illegal if they gave you the password?

[th90]

People have set backs, this is just one of many you will have, Well only if you let yourself.

 

Don't dwell on it to much.

 

Tbh, Facebook is a pretty fake way of displaying a relationship. It's easy to pretend your happy even if you aren't.

 

Tell yourself this.

 

He is happy

He doesn't miss me

He has someone else

 

If he didn't feel all of the above, he'd still be with you... wouldn't he?

 

I hope it doesn't sound too horrible. but you don't want to ask him these things, If you just make your own mind up about how he feel there is no complex in your mind.

 

Thanks! It's just hard. I keep analyzing what went wrong today. Points he has someone else vs points he doesn't have someone else. Yup, that summarized my day.

[th90]

I guess the upside is that you didn't find out anything. Don't know why, but I have a huge urge today to take a peek at his FB. I haven't done it yet. Only thing preventing me is me being afraid of seeing him in a relationship .

 

If you find yourself logging into his account again, just remember it's illegal...

 

Please don't do it. I regretted a whole lot right after I logged out of his fb. I may not have found anything but it doesn't mean anything as well. He could be spending his time with his new love right now for all I know.

 

It retards my progress. I wish I was strong enough to prevent myself from checking on him. It really feels horrible when we indirectly get into "contact" with things they do. Don't do it.

[th90]

^^^^^^^Don't look on his facebook!

 

If he *is* in a relationship you'll want to keep checking to see if he still is, and if he isn't you'll want to keep checking to see if it's changed.

 

And if it doesn't say, you still won't know.

 

Either way it's a slippery slope to fb stalking madness. Stay away!

 

Is it technically illegal if they gave you the password?

 

It's quite legal as long as they are aware we have access. Why wouldn't they just change the password? To give you hope? So you could at least check on them if you want to (since we all agree on NC) ?

[mammasita]

Block him!

[cavalier99]

I have the login to my EX's face book. Havent checked it since a week after the break up. She doesn't use it much.

 

I did however have the loging to all her other accounts also (she knew i had them and would login if she needed me when she was at work ecetera) Phone, bank, mail account ecetera. This is how i caught her going behind my back. I checked these just days into the BU post breakup (after telling her to change her passwords) and found a pictures of her already with the new guy happy and on a date. Pics just like we had. Ohh the agony. We had just had goodby sex days earlier.

 

That is when i told her i could see all her stuff, new guy included ecetera. What time she got home, what she charged on her cards. She was so pissed about me invading her privacy (rightly so). I got pissed right back. She told me to control myself (correct again)

 

Nevertheless i knew i couldn't control myself. So when she didn't change them all I i went against advise and logged in with bad password to reset every account and informed her she now NEEDS to reset the ALL. She was SO SO Mad which is what I wanted. I torched all bridges. It was the F-IN nuclear bomb of making sure she wouldn't f-up my NC and i wouldnt either.

 

What a relief. I forgot about facebook. She doesn't use it much and i haven't had the desire to look at it nor will i. This act was the beginning of getting my sanity back. Im sooooo sooo glad I invaded her privacy like that and reset everything. It was pure evil and total Self preservation! I was so torrementednd obsevive before that. What a relief.

 

Keep in mind this was in the immediate post breakup madness period. Doing it again now would just be crazy and looking to get in big trouble. I think your fine though. Big deal. Your not going to get arrested. Just dont do it anymore.

Edited November 27, 2012 by cavalier99

[cavalier99]

NOTE TO SELF:

 

1) In subsequent relationships DONT know their passwords.

 

2) IF you know passowrds and breakup occurs:

 

DONT forget to have them change all passowrds you know in front of you at last meeting or even earlier while there are still some good feelings. OR do it yourself in front of them. Then you cannot be accused of violataing privacy later and you will maitain dignity self respect.

 

3) OR..Show much greater SELF CONTROL if possible. If not.. refer to points 1 and 2.

[KatZee]

I think that's super creepy that you hack into his account. It's illegal actually, and it absolutely does log every time you log in from a new area and he's absolutely going to know that it was you. I'm not sure about you but I feel embarrassed FOR you.

 

I get that people have set backs but it's NOT OK for you to be going into his Facebook account LOOKING for things. You're the EX. Whatever he does from the day of the split onward is not your business. What does it matter if he's moved on? Or has someone else? Or is still grieving from the split? None of that matters! Focus on yourself and YOUR life, not snooping on what he's doing.

[itsmyfault]

The Ex and I aren't friends on Facebook, But she isn't blocked.

 

I still have a peek from time to time, Not that I can actually see anything.

I know eventually even that will stop. I mean we used to Gmail chat like 24/7 and when we broke up weaning myself off just going on gmail was hard.

 

remember its like a habit, When you were together, going on each other FB's was the norm.

 

I'm now off gmail 95% of the time, I've blocked her on chat so when I'm Online, I can't see if she is.

 

As I become less interested in what she might be doing and more intent on not letting her know what I'm doing (through mutual friends) I am using FB less and less.

 

Something I have learned over a few months now, Not everything you see or read will be true, People fake happiness or try to pretend they have it.

As long as you are happy in yourself you will feel much better.

 

I can feel how much better I'm doing now, Getting back to where I used to be before her, The person that didn't "need" anyone.

[cavalier99]

I think that's super creepy that you hack into his account. It's illegal actually, and it absolutely does log every time you log in from a new area and he's absolutely going to know that it was you. I'm not sure about you but I feel embarrassed FOR you.

 

 

Its not THAT creepy. Obsseive and wrong YES (Im not happy about my lack of self control in the 3-4 days following the breakup). However, my ex had me login to her stuff all the time (not to justify anything) but it was old habit that needed breaking. Some of my EX's accounts were almost like joint accounts over the years.. she even had me setup many of the accounts.

 

The OP didnt hack in ..she logged in. Hacking in is CREEPY.

 

I agree the issue is doing it after the break up (BAD) even if you previously had permission to do this. Permission is revoced when relationship ends. Thus my NOTES to self for subsequent relationships. And YES it was EXTREMELY embarassing to ask her to change her passords for my own sanity and to show that sort of weakness. I never want to feel that way ever again.

Edited November 27, 2012 by cavalier99

[KatZee]

If I broke up with someone, went into NC and weeks later got a notification that my account had been accessed from XXX location and I knew it was my ex I would be MAJORLY creeped out. I would think, "Why's he in my personal account? Why is he snooping on me? What is he looking for? Is he stalking me?"

 

This is why I really don't agree with couples who demand access to the other persons accounts. What's mine is mine, what's yours is yours. I'm not that insecure that I need your account name and password so I can check up on you. Shows a bit of control issues as well.

[cavalier99]

If I broke up with someone, went into NC and weeks later got a notification that my account had been accessed from XXX location and I knew it was my ex I would be MAJORLY creeped out. I would think, "Why's he in my personal account? Why is he snooping on me? What is he looking for? Is he stalking me?"

 

This is why I really don't agree with couples who demand access to the other persons accounts. What's mine is mine, what's yours is yours. I'm not that insecure that I need your account name and password so I can check up on you. Shows a bit of control issues as well.

 

You are right about the weeks later thing. My stuff happened in the days following the BU. And i was literally out of my mind and emotion were running hot for both of us.

 

Right now id feel really low about logging into any thing of hers. I guess Id creep myself out doing it lol.

 

During relationship i had this info but it wasn't to checkup on her. Although i did use it that way when i started getting suspicions. It is weird because I'm not an obsessive type but her behavior coupled with the access along with the info i gathered was a sort of weird positive reinforcer. At the end of the day i wish she didn't pull that sh-t and i wish i didn't feel compelled to use the tools i had access to in order to discover the truth. What a mind f-ck. So unhealthy. I'm glad it is over.

 

Chances are he wont see and it seemed like a stupid mistake by the OP..not a crime. She obviously feels like sh-t about it and it is a good lesson.

Edited November 27, 2012 by cavalier99

[th90]

I think that's super creepy that you hack into his account. It's illegal actually, and it absolutely does log every time you log in from a new area and he's absolutely going to know that it was you. I'm not sure about you but I feel embarrassed FOR you.

 

I get that people have set backs but it's NOT OK for you to be going into his Facebook account LOOKING for things. You're the EX. Whatever he does from the day of the split onward is not your business. What does it matter if he's moved on? Or has someone else? Or is still grieving from the split? None of that matters! Focus on yourself and YOUR life, not snooping on what he's doing.

 

I understand that it's wrong for me to have done that. Otherwise I wouldn't be feeling angry at myself. But I hope that you understand my circumstances. I was dumped without a solid reason. I know people say the fact that he dumped me, it simply means he wanted me out of his life, he doesn't love me anymore, etc and these are more reasons than enough. But I couldn't live through a day without thinking what went wrong, what have I done wrong. If he would just let me know he has found someone better than I am, it's much easier for me to move on. But he didn't. He couldn't give me better reasons to end our 7 years long relationship.

 

I search for answers not to give myself hope especially if it wasn't for someone else, I want to be able to move on easier without looking back. I don't want to look back at myself 5 or 10 years from now still wondering what went wrong.

 

By the way, I'm not justifying my action. I just need to have better self-control.

[movingon12]

Don't beat yourself up about it - lots of us have done it. Mainly to get answers from exes who refuse to explain what went wrong/what they want now. It's not a fun way to find out anything, but in my case my ex was refusing to say whether he wanted to break up or not, I'd just get ignored or vague 'let's not rush into any decisions' type comments. I ended up checking his fb messages to see what he was telling his friends. Painful but necessary. Once was enough though.

[itsmyfault]

Just going to say he might have had GIGS, if you didn't get an explanation this might be why.

 

He would not have even know why he was breaking up with you, It would have been just as confusing for him.

 

GIGS isn't nice for either person and if that's what he has, then there is nothing he could have done to stop it.

 

So if you need a reason, try and settle for this; He simply wanted to see what else life had to offer him. Not that you ever did anything wrong, or he stopped loving or caring for you, just that he needed to find himself and become the man he will most likely be for the rest of his life.

 

I don't wish to get your hopes up but he may still come back to you.

If he does, He will be very lucky if you take him back. Usually people with GIGS realise after a few months that what they thought they were looking for, they already had it.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

[th90]

Just going to say he might have had GIGS, if you didn't get an explanation this might be why.

 

He would not have even know why he was breaking up with you, It would have been just as confusing for him.

 

GIGS isn't nice for either person and if that's what he has, then there is nothing he could have done to stop it.

 

So if you need a reason, try and settle for this; He simply wanted to see what else life had to offer him. Not that you ever did anything wrong, or he stopped loving or caring for you, just that he needed to find himself and become the man he will most likely be for the rest of his life.

 

I don't wish to get your hopes up but he may still come back to you.

If he does, He will be very lucky if you take him back. Usually people with GIGS realise after a few months that what they thought they were looking for, they already had it.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

I have read about GIGS. 3 months back, we had a fight. He eventually told me he slept with a girl, hugging her to sleep but that was all. No sex or making out. He told me he did some soul searching. It freaked me out. He told me he wanted to be single. He said he wanted to explore and become better and didn't think he could do it as long as we were still together. I insisted that he held onto us because he said he still love me. 3 weeks after that, I had a major breakdown because I had trust issue. Again, he said maybe we should break but he texted me 10 minutes later after we hung up to tell me that he was sorry and said he couldn't imagine a life without me. And things were well again until the inevitable break up occurred.

 

I feel really stupid as I look back now. If I had not insisted on staying together and let him go 3 months back, I wouldn't have actually given him the time to "get over me". The last 2 months of our relationship probably reassured him how much he wanted to be single and eventually "didn't feel the same anymore".

 

I believe 3 months ago he was definitely having GIGS. But as I insisted on staying together, he eventually realized for real that he really wanted to be single or try dating other girls.

[itsmyfault]

Yeah, Sounds like GIGS.

 

Unfortunately you cant stop it, in a way he would have felt like he couldn't breathe with you around, almost like suffocating him.

 

Some people say the person doesn't get past the GIGS till they sleep around and try different things.

[th90]

You mentioned somewhere you had GIGS. How did you get past it if I may ask? Were you feeling really great right after breaking up with your gf? How long did you take to come to your senses and what triggered it?

[itsmyfault]

Yeah, I had GIGs.

 

I actually broke it off 4 months before we properly split, last time I straight away felt like an idiot and we just talked through stuff. For her, it left a lasting memory, she was never the same after.

 

She lost trust in me, lost security in our relationship.

this in-turn put pressure on us a lot, She is at uni, I never had a problem with LDR as we were stronger than a few miles and I loved her.

 

But for 3 months she wouldn't see me, she was having hell with her depression and it consumed her. I finally saw her after 3 months when I decided It was time I took action, and i drove all the way to her uni to get her a 1AM got home at 5AM.

 

I don't think we ever recovered from those 3 months though, they tore us apart. (I know i caused that)

 

Anyway right after the split I was doing great, In fact I was doing great for 2 months. One day I spoke to her on the phone and it hit me like a train.

Sadly she would not take me back, I found it hard. Probably just as hard as she did, if not harder (she was sleeping with someone new) I went into self destruct and I've never been so low.

 

The thing is, She never said she wouldn't get back with me because of him, it was because of me. Personally I think I have changed to much for her to love me again. (not bothered)

 

I was an innocent, non-drinker, non-smoker, non-partier and I devoted a lot of time to her before we got together. I think she likes those thinks, I still don't smoke but I do the other stuff.

 

I see it as having lost the person I love, But having gained a better me, I'm more sociable, Confident, I know what I want now, I know how I would approach relationships differently and most of all I'm a better friend to my friends.

 

Sorry for bambling on. So yes he MAY try and come back to you, but he certainly will not be the same guy you fell in love with, To make it work again would be very very hard.

 

Also lets not forget, by the time he does come back, you may be over him enough to say "no, Sorry, It just won't happen. I can't let you hurt me again.

[Realist3]

I know this may be just as wrong as your login, but that ship already sailed. How about go back in and turn notifications of login off.