BleedingBike Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 my girlfriend and i are now 27, we were each other's first and we were together for 8 years, sadly it ended recently. she told me she wants to be certain if what we have is the real thing. in order to know that, she said should see what the else the world has to offer. she wanted to talk to others to know other people's outlook on life but couldn't do it since she's in a committed relationship as that would be cheating. so she decided on leaving me so that she won't be stopped by our relationship. im at a lost, confused and in disbelief. this happened when i thought our relationship is about to take it to the next step as i was about to propose to her. any advice would be greatly needed... thanks
ReadMyThread Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 This will be the easiest advice I've ever had to give on here lol. Bro, this girl is stuuuuuuuuuuupid lol. That's all... Lol jk. But really you don't want to be with her. If she really has to go and see what else is out there she is practically saying that what you two had, she doesnt want it anymore. She might in the future but I wouldn't wait for that because she may never. You wants someone who WANTS to be with you. Not someone who wants to go **** other dudes and see if they are better than you or not and if they aren't THEN she'll be back. Right? Lol. Women are evil. Don't get attached to them for **** like this to happen again. NC forever. You know what it is lol.
cavalier99 Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 my girlfriend and i are now 27, we were each other's first and we were together for 8 years, sadly it ended recently. she told me she wants to be certain if what we have is the real thing. in order to know that, she said should see what the else the world has to offer. she wanted to talk to others to know other people's outlook on life but couldn't do it since she's in a committed relationship as that would be cheating. so she decided on leaving me so that she won't be stopped by our relationship. im at a lost, confused and in disbelief. this happened when i thought our relationship is about to take it to the next step as i was about to propose to her. any advice would be greatly needed... thanks Wow. Sorry. That is really tough especially considering you were going to propose and the time together. Unfortunately her seeing what is out there means that it is DONE. You obviously cant wait around while she bangs other guys and discovers herself. Don't misread her comments that there is hope. There isn't. And even if a miracle happens and she comes back, you need to proceed as if she is gone forever. Kill off all hope right now or you will prolong the suffering. It is really hard but you need to KNOW that it is over. Don't listen to her any more and read NO FOOLINS guide. At least she was respectful to you and didn't cheat. You just need to respect her wishes and start NC immediately. No begging or pleading and if you have done this STOP. It gets better as the weeks go on. The first few unfortunately are pure hell but we have all been there. Post here. Not to her. NC.
denxnis Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 She is interested in another guy most likely and wants to see where that will lead her. If it fails she will want you to be there as a backup. She may or may not come back to you in the future. I have been through this and I have friends who have been through this, if you listen to EXACTLY what I say next you will without a doubt come out of this a better man. Tell her exactly how you feel - do not repeat yourself - do not get choked up - remain calm and most importantly be the alpha male. Once you have told her how you feel, in person, look her dead in the eyes and tell her if she decides to go do her "own thing" and be single that you will walk away and never look back because you are a man with self-respect and will not settle for second best. At this point she will try to say a lot of things and convince you she isn't trying to get with other guys - you need to stand firm and not cave in or argue, or persuade her. -Just my 2 cents Been there, done that.
movingon12 Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 I read once you should never marry the first person you fall in love with, because you've got nothing to compare it to. You guys got together when you were really young and have been together for a long time - the next step - marriage, babies - must have been on her mind too, and I can completely understand why she would feel she needs time apart to be sure that what she has with you (the good and the bad - lets face it, *every* relationship has some 'bad') is what she wants for the rest of her life. To have only one partner for your whole life is very rare these days - and I'm not sure it's necessarily a good thing. But I also can imagine it must be absolutely awful for you too. I would talk to her, as calmly as you can, say you understand what's she saying and you respect her need for some time apart but this is very upsetting for you, so you want to set a deadline. In 6 months/1 year whatever you think you can live with, she needs to make a decision and let you know. You can't wait around for an indefinite period hoping that she'll decide your relationship is "the real thing" and I'm sure she'd understand this. Then go NC for the separation period. Use it, if you can, to date other people yourself, so that you can also be sure your relationship is what you really want. You might be surprised; it's very easy to get comfortable in a rut, and you stay because it's easy, rather than because it's right. good luck
Chi townD Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 (edited) I would talk to her, as calmly as you can, say you understand what's she saying and you respect her need for some time apart but this is very upsetting for you, so you want to set a deadline. In 6 months/1 year whatever you think you can live with, she needs to make a decision and let you know. You can't wait around for an indefinite period hoping that she'll decide your relationship is "the real thing" and I'm sure she'd understand this. I don't agree with this at all. There shouldn't be a deadline set on when to readdress the relationship. That would drive a guy insane. Waiting and hoping that a person is going to come back to you. Sure, you state that he can date other people as well. But, if he does, do you think that he'll be able to dedicate 100% of himself to the person he's dating? Probably not. He probably won't allow himself to get too close to someone because in the back of his mind, he'll be thinking that he needs to readdress his prior relationship in 3 months, or 5 month or whatever. And that's not fair to him and certainly not fair to the girl he would be dating. @ Bleedingbike, Look she says that she want to "explore the world and 'talk' to people" (I never heard of having sex with other people put in those terms...but okay) and that she would rather break up with you than cheat. Okay, well...it is what it is. She values the prospect of sleeping with other people higher than your current relationship. Believe me, when she leaves she already has her eye on someone and I wouldn't be shocked in the least if you find out she's in bed with this dude within the week (so much for exploring the world). If I were you, I would just say, "If this is something that you need to do. Then, I can't stop you. I KNOW what we had was real, but if you feel that I'm not the man for you; I can't change your mind on that either. But, once you leave here, it will be the last time you see me or ever hear from me. Once you walk out it's over. We can't be friends because I didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with you with the end result is us being nothing more than friends. I will need to mourn the loss of this relationship, heal and move on with my life. I will not talk with you, text you or see you. This isn't a punishment if that's what you think. It's giving me the opportunity to heal and move on. And I won't be able to do that if I'm still talking with you and I still harbor feelings for you. I don't want to set myself up with false hope. Besides, isn't that what want me to do? Heal and move on? Well, this is the only way I can see me doing that. I hope that you find the real thing. But, if you discover that I WAS the real thing, you'll know. Because, you'll realized that you lost it." Then, go dark on her. A hard No Contact (NC) Block her from facebook and change your phone number. IS it going to suck! YEP!! Is it going to hurt? Painfully so! But, you'll need to heal and move on. You need to make positive changes to your life. You'll need to do the same and go out into the world. See something new, get new hobbies, meet new people. Work on the new you. Redefine yourself and STAY BUSY!!! You make it her choice and she's well aware of the consquences of her actions. That it's her choice to have you out of her life. So, you give her exactly what she's asking for. Edited November 27, 2012 by Chi townD 2
I'm nuts Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 Do you want me to tell her what the world has to offer? S.F.A. Some people need a bloody good wake up call.
movingon12 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 (edited) (With or without a deadline, he'll be waiting around to see if she changes her mind and comes back. Nearly every post on this board is from people waiting around for their exes to change their minds and come back. At least with a deadline, he knows he will get an answer, and when he can expect it.) Maybe I'm misunderstanding - and it's hard to know without actually knowing you guys, but it sounds to me likes she's not asking to break it off permanently, she's asking for a trial separation to get her head together and make sure she's doing the right thing. (Incidentally, you mentioned you were 'going to' propose. 8 years is a long time to have been together without a proposal - is there a chance that she didn't realise you were going to propose, and was thinking that you were happy with the status quo, and your relationship was never going to move on, and that's partly why she felt it wasn't 'right'?) You can threaten her with 'either stay with me or never come back' or you can agree to see what life is like without each other. That's up to you. Edited November 28, 2012 by movingon12
Recommended Posts