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first consentual sex...got burned badly and feel distraught

Reedekulous

By Reedekulous
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Reedekulous New Member

Reedekulous

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Hi everyone. I have examined this site a few times in the past year for advice and never joined. This is my first post and I need to vent.

 

I was raped by two different men in my late teens. Late teens to early 20's I tried dating but it didnt turn out well obviously because I wasnt emotionally healed. I have done a few years of therapy though and a lot of self help. I dont think the average person can tell I am a rape victim judging by the past 2 years of me.

 

Only started dating within this past year again. Id say nothing out of the ordinary has occurred but none of it progressed past a few months of dating. I have done everything but sex with 2 guys so Im not against sexual contact but wanted to save my first "go all the way" experience

 

However, this guy I have been friends with for 4 years that Ive always had a huge crush on started to show interest in me a few months ago. He is part of my close group of friends. My other friends talked about it and said they hoped we'd get together. We have always spent one on one time together hanging out but it increased the past few months and I got the vibe maybe he liked me but I wasnt sure. I know everything about him and he seems like a good guy. He doesnt sleep around or manipulate women that I know of. He is not a player. Im saying this because of what Im about to describe.

 

Im pretty sure he has always known I adore him though I have never said it out loud. I liked him from the get go and my other friends talked about it and sometimes I made it obvious, but not within the past two years have I done this. I figured he didnt like me and accepted his friendship. He is funny, cute and nice to me. We have alot of similar interests

 

Well, we had sex after a social gathering two weeks ago. Neither one of us was drunk- him not at all, me maybe slightly tipsy. I thought it was a good sign. We went on a few dates and hung out and had sex a few more times. He seemed to be into me. He initiated those dates. I have never talked about my history with him but he mentioned on our last date that he knows Ive been abused before, When I asked him how he knew he said he could just tell by how shy I am and how I dont trust others easily. I didnt think too much of it since he knew me before I got serious help and he got a Psychology degree in college. Im pretty alert for signs a guy is going to hurt me and I didnt get any from him really.

 

He told me a few days ago he didnt want to continue to see me romantically but said if I wanted to have sex with him I could. I asked why. I wasnt overly emotional or mean when I asked, but after a few tries he said he doesnt want to deal with a rape victim...his exact words. I told him I didnt display bad behavior so why did he bring that up? I understand a past like that would worry men...but I didnt act clingy or become untrustful towards him. I played aloof actually and have never used him as a therapist...ever. I dont talk about my past with anyone but my sister and mother. Ive read alot of books about dating and I acted like the typical girl with him Im sure of it. He said a rape victim is unattractive for something more long term. I didnt know what to say so I ended the conversation.

 

Needless to say I am devastated. This is a huge blow for me and I didnt see it coming. He acted into me so I felt it was going somewhere. This is a guy Ive known for years and trusted, he knew it wasnt easy for me to sleep with him but it felt perfect. He just suddenly changed his mind/lost interest which happens, but he used my past against me. The emotional pain I feel is unbearable...I feel I can hardly function that the first guy I gave myself to and have been friends with for a long time threw me away. Cant eat or sleep and feel like crying all the time. Will it ever get better? It was very awkward seeing him again in a group setting. He acted distant and my friends just think he didnt like me enough to commit.

Edited by Reedekulous
MyPoutine Established Member

MyPoutine

Posted
Posted

That is cold blooded. Remove him permanently from your life he is a heartless douche.

 

Seriously if he knew you were a victim of abuse he could have found hundreds of ways to let you down without resorting to that.

  • Like 4
SmileFace Established Member

SmileFace

Posted
Posted

I am sorry this happened to you.

 

I doubt I wll ever share my past with a guy - then again I shared it on ls.

Malia25 Member

Malia25

Posted
Posted
He said a rape victim is unattractive for something more long term. I didnt know what to say so I ended the conversation.

 

I can't believe he thought that, let alone actually said it out loud to you. What a piece of ****, seriously. I'm so sorry for what happened to you in the past. The negative things that happen to us are merely memories and do little to define us or our worth. The same can be said for you. As the previous poster said, please delete him from your life forever. He is heartless and moreover, he can't seem to separate his "psychological" thoughts with common decency.

 

I don't know him, but I'm pretty sure I hate him. Your friends should too.

  • Like 1
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Reedekulous New Member

Reedekulous

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  • Author
Posted
That is cold blooded. Remove him permanently from your life he is a heartless douche.

 

Seriously if he knew you were a victim of abuse he could have found hundreds of ways to let you down without resorting to that.

 

I cant unless I start ignoring my closest group of friends.

Ninjainpajamas Established Member

Ninjainpajamas

Posted
Posted

Look, I know some people subscribe to this whole "friends for a long time, then magically lovers" thing but look, he was never into you enough to want to date you, so he wasn't going to be with you in the long-term anyway. A guy doesn't just sit on the fence if he is interested in you and bide his time unless he's the one pursuing you, other than him knowing you're a safety backup card that he can use up like a get out of jail free card whenever he needs some side action or intimacy.

 

What I think he did that was very wrong is he jabbed with someone very deep to the core of a huge issue that you deal with, that to me means he recognized your issues or was aware to some degree and instead of just telling you he didn't have strong emotions for you which was the real reason he didn't want to be with you and let this get out of the little sex box and containment so he hit you with something hard and what he felt was something he could substantiate on a rational level to "push you away". He was self-absorbed and selfish when telling you about this "rape victim" thing...completely desensitized and shut off to how it would have affected you which really makes me feel like this guy doesn't even respect your feelings even as a friend, that's just heartless to someone you even care about...didn't seem like a shred of sympathy he had for you, I'm not sure what you saw in this guy but he cut you off like fat off a piece of meat.

 

So that I am sorry for, however realize that this wasn't the real issue. This guy is just finding an excuse not to be in a relationship with you, trust me, he knew this wasn't going anywhere which is why he took a stab at it a few times (your vagina) and then was done with it...he's more experienced and realized you were "new" and not so used to it, so he started realizing that "uh oh, this is going to get serious quick and she'll have all these emotions for me...time to pull on the ejection seat".

 

And really what did you do and go based off? why did you end up sleeping with this guy that you never even had an romantic relationship with him in anyway way? he was clearly not interested in the past, what do you think made him suddenly interested?...it doesn't work that way I'm afraid, men know right away what they're into and want and if they do they make at least some attempt to pursue, they don't just be your "friend" for years to come but magically find some emotion for you...IMO never trust in that on a romantic level even though you thought you could trust him as a friend...once you cross that line into "romance" by being intimate everything can change instantly. Now some people claim to be mutual friends so they sleep together and then nothing awkward happens but to me that's a bit weird, and again...they always some little problems here and there and it comes with some fundamental emotions and qualities that should be there from the beginning.....because even if you build companionship and closeness that doesn't equate to romantic love, that's more convenient and comfortable, secure love which after heartache some people settle into stability over these other elements.

 

Anyway...yes it's going to get better, no you're probably not going to take in a lot of that right now what i said above because you are so hurt. But don't think you did anything wrong to cause this, or that it's because you are a rape victim, he was just looking for a way out, this is how some guys behave..nothing more, don't take it to heart.

 

And no you didn't give him everything, you gave me a piece of you because you trusted an unwise choice on a romantic level, you slept with a guy that you thought you could trust and felt like it was something special...completely wrong assessment by you, that's not how it works, but it's a hard lesson learned, but not the end of the world.

 

As far as being a rape victim, yes that may pose some problems and issues in a relationship long-term. But you've also worked on it and went to therapy where a lot of women have not and just deal with it and internalize it, you at least know it's an issue you have and can continue to work out....you think all these retarded people out their don't have their own issues? they do...and if he was really into you then he'd have taken a chance and he'd see how much of an issue it was...because I mean c'mon, a lot of women are raped and molested, you're definitely not the only one and if men chose just based off of that it would be ridiculous.

 

So unless this guy is overly traumatized and studied rape victims intensely, I don't buy it at all. Plus if he had any brains he would have realized how badly he was hurting you by one...being your first intimate encounter, and then stabbing you in the chest with a rape victim comment knowing what it would do to you psychologically...so this guy was just a scared douchebag who couldn't come up with a good excuse and then he offers to still sleep with you? ha, it's only ok to bang rape victims...I see.

  • Like 1
SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

Posted
Posted

I'm so sorry this happened to you;( If he could tell you were abused and didn't want a R with someone with your history he shouldn't of gone out with you. Did he know you were a virgin??

aussietigerwolf Established Member

aussietigerwolf

Posted
Posted

Wow... What a heartless POS that guy was.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted

Reed - I am a triple rape victim so I understand where you have been and am very sorry for what you have been through.

 

More than that, I am sorry for the guy you have had to deal with... The sad part is that there are just as many compassionate men who will want to know your wounds and help be there for you as there are those who can't handle them.

 

You might me a wonderful man some day who is husband material and if you don't tell him, he might be hurt that you couldn't confide your past traumas. It is a crapshoot and a royal pain.

 

Be strong and know that at some point, your history will make you that much more special to a certain someone. The guy you had a crush on was at least honest that he is not man enough to be able to handle your experiences. Give him a little credit for being honest. Some guys can't express their inability to care for a rape victim.

 

Best to you.

  • Like 2
SmileFace Established Member

SmileFace

Posted
Posted
I wouldn't either.

 

Why you actually post is beyond me.

crude Established Member

crude

Posted
Posted

More and more I see that not being honest and to the point ends up not paying off. Instead of asking him 2 or 3 years ago if he had any interest in you because you had a little crush on him, you chose to attempt vibe reading after 4 years of wondering if he was for you. If he's a decent guy, he would've given you an honest answer when you would've asked, and you wouldn't be distraught now. Instead of catchy titled books that popularize words like "friendzone" or "he's just not that into you", why can't people just be blunt and honest in life?

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted

I have always instigated full disclosure in my relationships, that includes the abuse. I know a lot of guys cant handle hearing it, they actually dont want to hear it..... i feel if they cant handle it they arent for me....i am hoping against hope that somewhere there is a nice guy who will understand, i am prepared to go it alone.......i have a tribe of a family i am lucky in that respect maybe not lucky in love.......

 

 

 

that guy was a true dickhead for treating you the way he did....that he basically said you can have sex with him but nothing permanent......cold hearted sob.........yes having abuse in your history does sometimes cause social isolation or tinges of awkwardness in situations, insecurities anxiety...none of that is the fault of the abused just a repercussion of abuse....that compassionate people would try and come to terms with......

 

 

hearing your story makes me sad for you....i havent ever been told this before after disclosing my past....i have been played though......i wish that you could go no contact with this twerp i read where he is in your close circle of friends....you may have to tell your friends the truth and still try to stay away from him so you can heal again....notice i said again....arrrgh....horrible guy.......i think i ought to slink off before i get creative and rhyme a whole poem about a slug full of swear words like...... grrrrr ....nearly wrote it...i am smiling at you though......hugs..slinks off ........ps was his name doug that would come in handy..i think ill give him that name.........slinking off being creative..doug the slug...deb

movingon12 Established Member

movingon12

Posted
Posted
I cant unless I start ignoring my closest group of friends.

 

I'm sure if your friends knew about this, they would want to cut him out of their lives too.

 

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Tara247 Established Member

Tara247

Posted
Posted

I'm so sorry, OP. :( You just got played by a scumbag. This freak never wanted a relationship with you to begin with, or like has already been said in this thread, he would have shown interest the first time he laid eyes on you. He's a hurtful, heartless, run-of-the mill, user scumbag. :sick: Don't ever speak to him again. Don't even look at him. Avoid him like the plague.

LittlePrince Established Member

LittlePrince

Posted
Posted
I'm sure if your friends knew about this, they would want to cut him out of their lives too.

 

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

If they like him a lot then they'll more likely boot her for causing issues or ignore her.

  • Like 1
BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted
Hi everyone. I have examined this site a few times in the past year for advice and never joined. This is my first post and I need to vent.

 

I was raped by two different men in my late teens. Late teens to early 20's I tried dating but it didnt turn out well obviously because I wasnt emotionally healed. I have done a few years of therapy though and a lot of self help. I dont think the average person can tell I am a rape victim judging by the past 2 years of me.

 

I am so sorry about that. :( Did you press charges? If not, I understand but sad to say rapists tend to keep on raping other victims. :(

 

Only started dating within this past year again. Id say nothing out of the ordinary has occurred but none of it progressed past a few months of dating. I have done everything but sex with 2 guys so Im not against sexual contact but wanted to save my first "go all the way" experience

 

However, this guy I have been friends with for 4 years that Ive always had a huge crush on started to show interest in me a few months ago. He is part of my close group of friends. My other friends talked about it and said they hoped we'd get together. We have always spent one on one time together hanging out but it increased the past few months and I got the vibe maybe he liked me but I wasnt sure. I know everything about him and he seems like a good guy. He doesnt sleep around or manipulate women that I know of. He is not a player. Im saying this because of what Im about to describe.

 

Im pretty sure he has always known I adore him though I have never said it out loud. I liked him from the get go and my other friends talked about it and sometimes I made it obvious, but not within the past two years have I done this. I figured he didnt like me and accepted his friendship. He is funny, cute and nice to me. We have alot of similar interests

 

Well, we had sex after a social gathering two weeks ago. Neither one of us was drunk- him not at all, me maybe slightly tipsy. I thought it was a good sign. We went on a few dates and hung out and had sex a few more times. He seemed to be into me. He initiated those dates. I have never talked about my history with him but he mentioned on our last date that he knows Ive been abused before, When I asked him how he knew he said he could just tell by how shy I am and how I dont trust others easily. I didnt think too much of it since he knew me before I got serious help and he got a Psychology degree in college. Im pretty alert for signs a guy is going to hurt me and I didnt get any from him really.

 

He told me a few days ago he didnt want to continue to see me romantically but said if I wanted to have sex with him I could. I asked why. I wasnt overly emotional or mean when I asked, but after a few tries he said he doesnt want to deal with a rape victim...his exact words. I told him I didnt display bad behavior so why did he bring that up? I understand a past like that would worry men...but I didnt act clingy or become untrustful towards him. I played aloof actually and have never used him as a therapist...ever. I dont talk about my past with anyone but my sister and mother. Ive read alot of books about dating and I acted like the typical girl with him Im sure of it. He said a rape victim is unattractive for something more long term. I didnt know what to say so I ended the conversation.

 

I boldened what angers me so much about what happened. He was just using you then. :sick: I wish I could give him a piece of my mind!!! :( Why are some guys like this? Why are some guys so heartless? I don't understand how people can be so mean and cruel. Rape victims are people too and deserve lasting love too, if that's what they desire in life. He is lying to you when he said what I underlined. Please remember: he lied to you. Don't believe his lie. He is just being mean, selfish, rude, heartless, and not a wonderful man at all!

 

Personally, I don't think it would be best to continue to have sex with a man who does not value you as a wonderful lady, but rather as just someone to have sex with but not "worthy" of a long term relationship. Please don't believe his lie and think this is the best for you; it's not. He doesn't care about you, sadly. :(

 

Needless to say I am devastated. This is a huge blow for me and I didnt see it coming. He acted into me so I felt it was going somewhere. This is a guy Ive known for years and trusted, he knew it wasnt easy for me to sleep with him but it felt perfect. He just suddenly changed his mind/lost interest which happens, but he used my past against me. The emotional pain I feel is unbearable...I feel I can hardly function that the first guy I gave myself to and have been friends with for a long time threw me away. Cant eat or sleep and feel like crying all the time. Will it ever get better? It was very awkward seeing him again in a group setting. He acted distant and my friends just think he didnt like me enough to commit.

 

You need to heal. Breakups can be very painful. Believe me, I know.

 

I am not a rape victim, but my friends who have been raped also have a harder time in healing because they have been hurt so badly. :(

 

Please take care of your health and please don't believe his lie. You are a wonderful, amazing lady. You are not defined by what happened to you in your past, just like a person who has suffered a robbery or gotten shot is not defined by what a mean person did to them. His words show that he is not the man for you. Please write down your goals in life, what you want in a partner as well, and focus on them. Also, get involved in helping at a charity because that will help take your mind off of your pain and onto helping others in need.

 

Please don't give up hope. Art Critic has a beautiful quote on his signature that goes something like this: "One day someone will walk into your life who will make you understand why it didn't work with anyone else." I believe that can happen for you; please don't stay in the depths of despair. Please heal and let go of this guy, in order to get ready for someone better who truly loves you.

  • Like 1
kaylan Established Member

kaylan

Posted
Posted
I wouldn't either.

Its nothing against the OP, but if I could choose between a girl with a rape in her past, and one who doesnt have one...Id choose the latter. Ive dated a girl who had a rape in her past and been close friends with a girl who had one in her past. Its A LOT to deal with.

 

There tends to be sexual issues they have...large emotional issues to overcome, and a few other things. Its just very draining.

 

While I abhor rape and truly feel for women whove had this happen to them, I just cant deal with the drama and close-off nature many of these women have.

 

In regards to the guy in the OP....hes full of crap and a bastard for using her. Hes known her for a while, so why in the world would he sleep with her only to use the rape against her later? If he cared about her at all, and was really concerned about her past, he should have not initiated a damn thing. I personally would have backed off and if anything, helped my good friend find a good guy.

runningfar Established Member

runningfar

Posted
Posted

He clearly used you and then used your past against you. He is disgusting. No excuse.

SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

Posted
Posted

This isn't a would you date a rape victim thread... If you can put two and two together he said he could tell she was abused and IMO as long as he knew her he should of known before sex with her. He either used her or didn't like her exp level and bailed. Mabye she should of told him she wasn't experienced before but they way he ended it with what he said was the lowest of all lows!!!

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Reedekulous New Member

Reedekulous

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Posted (edited)
Its nothing against the OP, but if I could choose between a girl with a rape in her past, and one who doesnt have one...Id choose the latter. Ive dated a girl who had a rape in her past and been close friends with a girl who had one in her past. Its A LOT to deal with.

 

There tends to be sexual issues they have...large emotional issues to overcome, and a few other things. Its just very draining.

 

While I abhor rape and truly feel for women whove had this happen to them, I just cant deal with the drama and close-off nature many of these women have.

 

QUOTE]

 

Tons of women are raped and heal. Considering the stats of how often it happens, you probably have met and gotten to know some without any idea.

 

Yeah...I USED to be closed off. I dont have sexual issues. I have never ever been called "draining." Its this closed mindedness that has pushed me to hide everything inside constantly. Men like LittlePrince and Kaylan apparently populate the world so whats the point? Im done with dating Im never looking for somebody ever again. Theres no point in trying to find love when people just use it against me and cast me aside like I have too much "baggage" when I ACT LIKE A TYPICAL GIRLFRIEND. I am constantly self regulating when dating to make sure I dont turn men off and still doesnt work.

Edited by Reedekulous
LittlePrince Established Member

LittlePrince

Posted
Posted

He laid it out straight. He would become sexually involved but not emotionally committed to a girl with her past. This is exactly what he was doing. It simply came to a point when he needed to lay out the ground rules explicitly because she was obviously not following his hustle and flow. Let a playa play.

  • Author
Reedekulous New Member

Reedekulous

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
He laid it out straight. He would become sexually involved but not emotionally committed to a girl with her past. This is exactly what he was doing. It simply came to a point when he needed to lay out the ground rules explicitly because she was obviously not following his hustle and flow. Let a playa play.

 

Case in point. The only ones that have responded to me telling me Im worth of having someone and my past is something I cannot control are FEMALES. Im done with men- they are heartless, cold pricks.

Edited by Reedekulous
LittlePrince Established Member

LittlePrince

Posted
Posted
Case in point. The only ones that have responded to me telling me Im not scum of the earth for something I cannot control are FEMALES. Im done with men- they are heartless, cold pricks.

That's not going to work. You can't change your sexual orientation and therefore who you desire.

  • Author
Reedekulous New Member

Reedekulous

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
That's not going to work. You can't change your sexual orientation and therefore who you desire.

 

Stop putting words in my mouth. I mean I am done with dating. Example? A guy at my work likes me and if given the chance I think would ask me out and it seems like it is heading that way. Im not pursuing it- its pointless since I have been shunned and outcasted by male society for something I cannot control when I act like a NORMAL PERSON. I get you guys say rape victims have issues but I read a crapload of books about how women should act in dating and I followed them to the T, except with randomly sleeping with my friend but I didnt plan that. How I acted after I slept with him though I acted normal...no I didnt act like I have issues. My friends all call me the "fun smart" girl not a girl with emotional issues!!!! Everyone has told me Ive very sensible for someone my age! I dont take out my problems on other people I am the type to put it all inside anyway so even before therapy the only issue I had was opening up.

 

So really I have done what every rape victim should do, heal and learn to act like a normal woman. But there is no point...why go on a dates with a guy when at some point he will find out and be like "oh no...you act normal...but I found out about your rape...so youre useless" which is the attitude Ive gotten here. Honestly, posting this topic was the worst idea. Sat in my room and cried for an hour when I read your original response and Kaylan's response- it has only reaffirmed what I think and that is very few men arent selfish pricks without an ounce of compassion and reasoning inside them. There is no hope with dating for me but I dont need a man to be happy so Ill get over it.

Edited by Reedekulous
SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

Posted
Posted
Case in point. The only ones that have responded to me telling me Im worth of having someone and my past is something I cannot control are FEMALES. Im done with men- they are heartless, cold pricks.

I'm a man and look at my 2 posts. Of the two posters you mentioned, 1 is a woman hater and you should put him in ignore. The other is a good guy IMO, he just got off topic about the past but they way I seen it was that he knew already and either used you or didn't like your exp level.

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