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Whats wrong with me why can I not get a boyfriend?

pbjbear

By pbjbear
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pbjbear Established Member

pbjbear

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Also, here's a hint. Guys aren't stupid. We know when something is "off" about a girl. We may not be able to put our finger on it, but we know. A girl can be the most beautiful thing in the world but if she is unstable, we won't dare get into a serious relationship with her. She'll just get used for sex. You're telling me at the age of 25 that you STILL haven't found anyone worth seriously dating and you date(d) a lot? I don't believe it. You have to be going after the wrong type of males. The behavior you describe is characteristic of alpha males, beta males usually don't pump and dump women. Why don't you go after them? They're not bad guys...

 

I have found beta males dont "pump and dump" as you call it but they are capable of stringing you along. I have dated a few shyer guys and thats what they ended up doing. After 3 months when things hadnt progressed I decided to cut my losses.

SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

Posted
Posted
LMAO. I dont give it up easily, tons of men are willing to be patient and then bolt the second they get it. I can tell alot of the people responding didnt really read all my replies so Ill say again, I get creamed on here by some when I say I never put out in the first 4 dates. Waiting doesnt guarantee he will stick around though. Also add in that holding off for too long scares them away too. I think the women that respond "make a man commit first then" have good intentions but where I live, there are a ton of females ready to give it up way before the first 4 dates so if I dont put out pretty early a guy wont wait.

 

Im not dating anymore. Ive talked to alot of people (females) here in NYC that have the same problem as me. One of my closest friends who had the same issue as me moved out to the Midwest a year ago and when I talked to her 2 weeks ago, she said she has no issues getting a boyfriend there and that I should give up trying to find a committal man in NYC where theres a surplus of women since Im planning on moving within the next year. So thats what Im doing

 

I know this was already stated here but I've heard NYC has WAY more women than men. That could be PART of the problem but it isn't all of it so let's delve into this deeper! While keeping the lid on the cookie jar isn't bullet proof it does up your chances of landing a man who wants more than a hookup. So when you say you don't sleep with them until the 5th date or so is this 5th date two weeks after you met? I'm asking because length if time is WAY more important than date number. It this 5th date is a month/5weeks after you've met then then you really do need to move. If it's inside 2-3 weeks then keep it at one date a week for the first month-6 weeks. Only when things progress after sexcapades and he sticks around should you be seeing a man more than once a week IMO.

kaylan Established Member

kaylan

Posted
Posted
Also, here's a hint. Guys aren't stupid. We know when something is "off" about a girl. We may not be able to put our finger on it, but we know. A girl can be the most beautiful thing in the world but if she is unstable, we won't dare get into a serious relationship with her. She'll just get used for sex. You're telling me at the age of 25 that you STILL haven't found anyone worth seriously dating and you date(d) a lot? I don't believe it. You have to be going after the wrong type of males. The behavior you describe is characteristic of alpha males, beta males usually don't pump and dump women. Why don't you go after them? They're not bad guys...

I get so sick of this alpha/beta garbage. We arent animals...we are complex beings with advanced cognitive abilities.

 

And yes, Ive known "beta" guys whod sleep with a woman but not commit for a variety of reasons. Usually the main reason being he didnt think they were compatible in the long run and the spark wasnt there.

SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

Posted
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You do seem like the kind of guy Id want to date (based on your posts)

 

But Im not moving to the midwest :(

 

Move to Houston! We agree on lots if things! I'm kidding of course:)

 

My parents are from NYC, born and raised. My dad grew up in the Bronx and my mother in Queens. As much as I LOVE to visit NYC I could never live there!

 

Have you thought about looking past the city? Mabye Jersey or Long Island? There's tons of suburban areas you could try, no?

clia Established Member

clia

Posted
Posted
LMAO. I dont give it up easily, tons of men are willing to be patient and then bolt the second they get it. I can tell alot of the people responding didnt really read all my replies so Ill say again, I get creamed on here by some when I say I never put out in the first 4 dates. Waiting doesnt guarantee he will stick around though. Also add in that holding off for too long scares them away too. I think the women that respond "make a man commit first then" have good intentions but where I live, there are a ton of females ready to give it up way before the first 4 dates so if I dont put out pretty early a guy wont wait.

 

The guys who cut and run if you aren't willing to put out by the third or fourth date aren't that into you, so you are better off holding out. Guys who are into you are willing to wait. Not a ridiculous amount of time, but they aren't just going to robotically stop seeing you after date three if you haven't slept with them. And frankly, if you are into them, you will probably want to sleep with them by date six or seven anyway.

SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

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I get so sick of this alpha/beta garbage. We arent animals...we are complex beings with advanced cognitive abilities.

 

Me too! I'm thinking of starting a thread about it later! I'm off to work...

TheGuard13 Established Member

TheGuard13

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]PB,[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]You’re clearly fairly intelligent, and have a decent sense of humor.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I think you've been a bit vague about your experiences, in general. You've given kind of a general overview of your experiences, and I don't think that's the way to go if you want to find out the specific reason you don't have a long term relationship.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]With that in mind, [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]What are you like beyond the basics? Not whether you have a career, are hot, etc…what do you like to do for fun?What are your hobbies, and what do you specifically like about them? What makes you you? What makes you an individual, different than most people?[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]It might unravel some of the issues in your dating life if you were to actually tell us more about your last couple dates/relationships, in terms of specifics. Or perhaps to tell us w[/FONT][/sIZE][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]hat issues you have had in relationships with people in the past, other then men notstaying with you.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Also, I don't do much casual dating, and I don't have casual sex, so I'm not sure what men and women are doing these days. So[/FONT][/sIZE][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] forgive me for asking this...but its the elephant in the room, and I'm going to give you a male perspective: When a girl is attractive, intelligent, and fun, and guys don't want to date her or see her more than once or twice, there's usually a reason beyond basic compatibility stuff...which many guys are willing to put up with for a while if the sex is good.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Is the sex good? Are you good at it? Because if the sex was good, or great, it seems to me thatmost men wouldn't wait until you gave it up and then immediately "bolt". Again, I don't know what people are doing these days, but it seems to me that if really good sex was being exchanged, that even the men who just wanted sex would see a woman more than once or twice before moving on.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]As has been said already, you do have a bit of an attitude about men, which is understandable, but its also really apparent basedon the way you generalize people in some of the conversations on here. Now, that’s not always a bad thing. Plenty ofmen get turned on by a woman with a little fire…but they can also get turned off by it if the situation is rignt.[/FONT][/sIZE]

kaylan Established Member

kaylan

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Well it matters... it is not as easy to get into a relationship for an unattractive person as for a attractive person... that is a fact!

 

OP is claiming to be almost perfect (if you read her original post), some of us just wonder how much of that is true...

Less attractive people can date one another and usually do. So it cant be that hard to find a relationship.

 

Im 26, and from reading my posts on this forum I think woman can tell Im not a terrible guy. But in since I first started dating at 16, Ive had 2 gfs. And my total time of being with those ladies was a year and 4 months. And I havent been slutting it up either in my single time. Sure Ive had my fun, but Ive also had plenty of down-time in my dating history as well.

 

Its hard to find someone you click with, and whos a good person to date. Im not unattractive, though sometimes I can feel that was depending on the day. Realistically Id say Im about average, even though some women may think Im hot stuff. But being a good person and being sexually attractive doesnt make finding a suitable mate all that easy.

 

I get very frustrated myself that I cant seem to find a lot of good women I click with out there. And I dont commit unless Im super sure about a girls long term potential with me. The problem just seems to be a shortage of decent gal and me also picking the wrong ones.

 

The girl I last dated seemed like a sweetheart whod be suitable for me in the early going...but she bailed and told me she wasnt ready to be committed. And this girl wasnt some bombshell, and she wasnt a skank either. She was just a regular gal who was down to earth. If anything she was constantly telling me how hot I was and what not.

 

Id rather have a skanky girl lead me on, because I can sum up things properly in my head. What really throws you for a loop, and can hurt a bit, is when you are with someone who seems really great, and you do all this couply **** together...and it ends the same way. And their intentions were never bad, and they still remained a good person through it all....and it just confuses the hell outa you when it doesnt work.

 

So in this case, being super attractive to someone didnt make a difference. This gal just didnt want to commit to me...and thats that. She wasnt a user and a girl who sleeps around either. So I can understand how OP dates guys who are rather nice and decent, but things still not go where you want them too.

  • Like 2
pteromom Established Member

pteromom

Posted
Posted

I haven't read a lot of responses, but from what I "know" of you on here, I think it may be that you are too mature and intelligent for a lot of guys your age.

 

I have always liked dorky/geeky guys too, but they usually take a while to blossom and find their voices. When they are your age, it is common for them to be afraid to show themselves to women.

 

The other thing is - most people just aren't ready for a serious relationship. They *think* they are, but they aren't. They are co-dependent and flighty and confused about who they are and what they really want. This is not YOUR fault - it's just the reality of the world we live in. It's not you - it's THEM.

 

Keep dating. Don't settle for less than you deserve. Have your list of "standards", but make sure they are realistic standards, and make sure they are based on what really matters (compatibility, maturity, integrity) and not so much on things that don't matter.

 

Put a lot of thought into what you want your life with a partner to be like, then - make your single life as much like that as possible! Because that's where you are going to meet the men who want the same thing. You see a life of travel and adventure? Join some adventure/outdoor clubs. You see a life of discussing philosophy and literature? Hang out at readings and book stores. You want to start a family right away? Reach out to your married friends and tell them to hook you up. My point is - put yourself in the places the guys you want would be.

 

Lastly, make sure you are showing the world who you are. Make sure your hair, clothes, attitude, etc. reflect who you are inside. You want the right men to gravitate toward you, and you want the players and jerks to stay away. Smile and focus on being warm and open, because you never know when someone will notice you.

TheGuard13 Established Member

TheGuard13

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PB,

 

You’re clearly fairly intelligent, and have a decent sense of humor.

 

I think you've been a bit vague about your experiences, in general. You've given kind of a general overview of your experiences, and I don't think that's the way to go if you want to find out the specific reason you don't have a long term relationship.

 

With that in mind,

 

What are you like beyond the basics? Not whether you have a career, are hot, etc…what do you like to do for fun?What are your hobbies, and what do you specifically like about them? What makes you you? What makes you an individual, different than most people?

 

It might unravel some of the issues in your dating life if you were to actually tell us more about your last couple dates/relationships, in terms of specifics. Or perhaps to tell us what issues you have had in relationships with people in the past, other then men notstaying with you.

 

Also, I don't do much casual dating, and I don't have casual sex (whatever the hell that even means, there's nothing casual about good sex), so I'm not sure what men and women are doing these days. So please forgive me in advance for asking this...but its the elephant in the room, and I'm going to give you a male perspective: When a girl is attractive, intelligent, and fun, and guys don't want to date her or see her more than once or twice, there's usually a reason beyond basic compatibility stuff...which many guys are willing to put up with for a while if the sex is good. "He's just not that into you" has layers.

 

Is the sex good? Are you good at it? What kinds of sexual activities do you enjoy and participate in? Because if the sex was good, or great, it seems to me that most men wouldn't wait until you gave it up and then immediately "bolt". Again, I don't know what people are doing these days, but it seems to me that if really good sex was being exchanged, that even the men who just wanted sex would see a woman more than once or twice before moving on.

 

As has been said already, you do have a bit of an attitude about men, which is understandable, but its also really apparent basedon the way you generalize people in some of the conversations on here. Now, that’s not always a bad thing. Plenty ofmen get turned on by a woman with a little fire…but they can also get turned off by it if the situation is rignt. And...as has been pointed out, you may be a little too mature for men your age. A lot of men get "intimidated" by intelligent, mature women with expectations that they act like an adult.

animalover Established Member

animalover

Posted
Posted
Less attractive people can date one another and usually do. So it cant be that hard to find a relationship.

 

Im 26, and from reading my posts on this forum I think woman can tell Im not a terrible guy. But in since I first started dating at 16, Ive had 2 gfs. And my total time of being with those ladies was a year and 4 months. And I havent been slutting it up either in my single time. Sure Ive had my fun, but Ive also had plenty of down-time in my dating history as well.

 

Its hard to find someone you click with, and whos a good person to date. Im not unattractive, though sometimes I can feel that was depending on the day. Realistically Id say Im about average, even though some women may think Im hot stuff. But being a good person and being sexually attractive doesnt make finding a suitable mate all that easy.

 

I get very frustrated myself that I cant seem to find a lot of good women I click with out there. And I dont commit unless Im super sure about a girls long term potential with me. The problem just seems to be a shortage of decent gal and me also picking the wrong ones.

 

The girl I last dated seemed like a sweetheart whod be suitable for me in the early going...but she bailed and told me she wasnt ready to be committed. And this girl wasnt some bombshell, and she wasnt a skank either. She was just a regular gal who was down to earth. If anything she was constantly telling me how hot I was and what not.

 

Id rather have a skanky girl lead me on, because I can sum up things properly in my head. What really throws you for a loop, and can hurt a bit, is when you are with someone who seems really great, and you do all this couply **** together...and it ends the same way. And their intentions were never bad, and they still remained a good person through it all....and it just confuses the hell outa you when it doesnt work.

 

So in this case, being super attractive to someone didnt make a difference. This gal just didnt want to commit to me...and thats that. She wasnt a user and a girl who sleeps around either. So I can understand how OP dates guys who are rather nice and decent, but things still not go where you want them too.

 

Don't get me wrong, I understand that people would find difficult to find someone to commit or someone who wants commitment... but I think that often that happen because people aim for the wrong targets...

 

If you want commitment you should not try to find a girlfriend in a club...

 

I always try to find attractive girls in my close environment, I have many hobbies (very important!) , a big social life (even more important!) and a work with allow me to meet lots of new people every day, when you know beforehand someone you are going to date.... the success ratio will increase as you already know the person and you have already a good idea of what you are going to find!

 

I have had my own share of disappointments, I have had 5 ltr and non of them worked out! Now I have a girlfriend... or someone who I am beginning to feel attached too and things are going good but that doesn't mean that they will end up good... The trick is to keep working on the relationship every day... many people once they have got into a relationship they feel they don't need to invest in the relationship anymore... well that is a big mistake and a costly one!

 

If what you look is ONS and FWB... well then you should ask someone else because I don't do casual sex... if what you look is for a serious relationship then improve yourself, look for new hobbies and activities that will allow you to grow your social life and meet new women... It is the most save receipt for a success in finding a girlfriend/boyfriend!

CptObvious Established Member

CptObvious

Posted
Posted
-Get told Im hot all the time. I work out a ton and eat healthy...have a body fat percentage of 19%, 5'4 113 lbs and a B almost C Cup. I will post pics if people think Im lying.

 

I think you're lying. Send me your pics please.

kaylan Established Member

kaylan

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^shes not lying lolol

normal person Established Member

normal person

Posted
Posted (edited)
I know this was already stated here but I've heard NYC has WAY more women than men.

 

That's the big hurdle for girls in NYC. Not only are they all competing for a small number of guys, but the guys are very aware of it and use it to their advantage. Combine that with the general selfish attitude of the city and the high cost of living? It's like a Japanese game show, girls here are trying to walk through a gauntlet of fire while blindfolded in high heels. I honestly feel bad for girls trying to find a decent guy in NYC the same way I feel for guys in SoCal trying to find any single girl.

 

Pbjbear, I see a lot of people say you're too negative, but knowing the culture of NYC I honestly understand why you come off that way. I'm sure you're not so cynical offline and I'm figuring you just come here to vent and try to make sense of it all. Sometimes you can take every precaution and do everything right and still get burned. It happens in high frequency here and a lot of outsiders don't really get that. NYC is the only place I ever hear hot girls complaining about not finding a decent guy (non-hyperbolically), you're certainly not the first. My heart aches when I see a girl like you who's not after some guy for his money constantly getting chewed up and spit out. It's tough to read so I don't want to imagine what it's like to go through.

 

I'm going to disagree with a lot of people here and say that it's probably not much to do with the way you look or act, you sound like you're a lot of fun and pretty good looking to be honest. I bet if you move to a place where the deck wasn't so stacked against you, you'll find a boyfriend before you unpack.

Edited by normal person
  • Like 1
outsidethebox Established Member

outsidethebox

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pjbear, what's your criteria for stringing someone along for several dates versus dating (ie determining you are not being strung along)?

lakerman34 Established Member

lakerman34

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OP, I know we've had our disagreements, but my heart kind of bleeds for you in this one because I'm the same way. Medical school, 6'0" tall, 175 lbs., 9%BF, told I have a big heart, very good looking and am told I'm sexy, absolutely ADORE the women I'm dating, and my best female friend told me I have a "Prince Charming Complex" (a good thing) where I want to treat a woman the best I can.

 

I've been on dates, seriously dated girls, but I can't hold onto a girl that is in it for me for the LIFE of me. My longest "relationship" was 6 months (3 of those we didn't even see each other). My attitude about it is, it'll happen. In the end, we have great qualities. The average person goes on 100 dates before meeting Mr./Miss Right. I see keep your head up, stay confident in your beauty, be weary of the *******s, and perhaps don't put out even until you are CERTAIN he wants to have sex with you because I genuinely likes you for YOU, not only your body.

 

My .02. I'm rooting for you :o

 

I found out that great things like this come when you expect it the least. The right guy for you might be just around the corner...

normal person Established Member

normal person

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Lakerman, if you're "too" perfect, girls might have a tendency to get insecure about it. They think you can have anyone else and that you'll drop them whenever you want to change it up (although the paradox they don't think of is that if you're perfect, you're too nice to do that). You sound like you're on the right track though, I'm sure things will pick up for you too.

lakerman34 Established Member

lakerman34

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I have to apologize for all the grammatical errors. I'm drunk, jetlagged, and tired hahaha

ChessPieceFace Established Member

ChessPieceFace

Posted
Posted
I am about to turn 25 and Ive never had a boyfriend. Ive dated tons but its never progressed to a relationship. Ive done casual and more serious dating and some hookups.

 

-I am not clingy. Lots of friends and hobbies

-Get told Im hot all the time. I work out a ton and eat healthy...have a body fat percentage of 19%, 5'4 113 lbs and a B almost C Cup. I will post pics if people think Im lying.

-I dont make men wait forever for sex but dont put out too quickly (usually the 4th date is the earliest for sex...I think the longest I waited was for 2 months and that was for him)

-Good career

-Im a caring nice person and get told I have a heart of gold

 

You post some of the most negative stuff I've seen. Stop treating men like the enemy and you'll have success.

  • Like 1
Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Posted

Not insulting you since I used to be the same way but a lot of the time you come across as the female version of the bitter men on this board.

animalover Established Member

animalover

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Posted
Not insulting you since I used to be the same way but a lot of the time you come across as the female version of the bitter men on this board.

 

I always find it funny when someone says... I don't want to offend you or insult you but.... the but says everything about the whole content of the sentence...

 

If you don't want to insult her... just don't do it!

phineas Established Member

phineas

Posted
Posted
I always find it funny when someone says... I don't want to offend you or insult you but.... the but says everything about the whole content of the sentence...

 

If you don't want to insult her... just don't do it!

 

It isn't an insult if it's true.

But I do find that a little funny when people say that.

 

Any way, read some of her past posts.

Their mostly rants against men.

She isn't even singling out certain types of men.

All men.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

It's not an insult. It's just a truthful observation. Being so negative towards the opposite sex does not exactly endear you to them. No woman on here wants to date one of the bitter men on here so why is it any different the other way around?

  • Like 2
Nik1 Established Member

Nik1

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Posted

After analyzing your post and finding no statements to the contrary, I've concluded that you must be a dull, lifeless, piece of meat. Not to sound harsh, but if you have everything else going for you and you can't keep a man for longer than a couple months, then that's the only conclusion I can reach. I mean, it can't be THAT hard to get a GUY to call you his girlfriend, if only for the recognition.

 

You're boring and men only want to use you for sex. Get a hobby, a manly one.

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted

I bet it is your city. Like that poster said - your in a place where there are not enough men to go around.

 

I guess the only things I could reccommend are:

 

- move to a city that is known to have a higher make to female ratio

- come across as a little more upbeat, try to pick up on any negative vibes you give out.

 

....do you go around thinking " wow I am so much hotter than all the girls around me who are in good relationships, why the heck don;t guys want to be with ME?"

 

...Then yeah, people honestly pick up on it if your always thinking about how you cannot get dates.

 

.... I am a women who is less attractive than you and has not even completed my degree yet, I have WAY less to offer a guy on paper!

 

However, I am a very happy person, and I believe I am lovely to be around, and I know there are guys out there that I can make laugh and who will really enjoy being around me.

 

I do not let the fact I am not super pretty or super thin, or the fact I have not even finished my degree yet at age 26, hold me back..

..I honestly walk out the door thinking I have a lot to offer, based on who I am and where I am heading in life.

 

 

 

 

.....Do you think even if there were enough men to go around where you live, that you would still be selling yourself short?

 

 

You clearly have so much to offer, it would be a shame if you were not presenting yourself as such...

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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