Whats wrong with me why can I not get a boyfriend?

[darkmoon]

if you don't cook, it might be that, men like women who cook - not that i can be bothered to, but i am in a FWB and if you like womens issues, discuss even rape say, men tune out

 

try to cook them a meal, they like to see a really big plateful regularly, ask them to pay for ingredients if you cook alot/each day, if you are broke, that's fair, he pays for his food

 

i know a woman who irons too, does his washing...offer, i know it's old-fashioned, but it helps, daily she waits on him too "anything need doing around the house?" that's what she says, my two cents...

 

i'd avoid living in wthout marriage too loose an arrangement, at least discuss how women get kicked out, "can we just have a quick word about my security?" I do mean quick, they don't want too much drama understandably

 

too, i'd see alot of men at once, increase your odds xx

try all this for six months/a year

Edited November 29, 2012 by darkmoon

[threebyfate]

I don't understand this. It's a repetitive theme on LS where women can't find guys who are relationship oriented. But my personal experiences haven't aligned with this one bit, finding more men who wanted relationships than I was willing to enter into, when single.

 

So here's maybe some possible reasons or maybe not:

• Didn't sleep with men until we entered exclusive, committed relationships. Even then, wouldn't necessarily sleep with them. Prior to my second husband, slept with less than a handful of men.
  
• Avoided low self-esteem guys.
  
• Let them pay for the first date which always happened, without needing to pretend or prompt them but then alternated from there. But if I wasn't interested in a second date, paid the entire shot, including his meal.
  
• Never asked out or pursued any men, assuming men were being friendly unless they asked me out.
  
• Maintained firm boundaries.
  

 

Men can be weird but then, so can women. Maybe there's an element of wanting what they felt they couldn't get since I can come across emotionally reserved. Not an easy read until I allow someone close to me.

 

My husband tells me that there were a few things that jumped out at him about me. Confidence and independence. Not a push-over.

 

Maybe some of this might help.

[scratch]

I feel the vast majority of NYC men do not want a relationship unless someone who is way out of their league is interested in them- like fashion models, 10's looks wise, extremely successful women. I was hoping thered be some like me who just want a normal relationship

 

I can start letting a guy pay for dates but I started doing that after the 5th guy bitched at me about how if Im not going to put out by a certain length of time I am a waste of $$$

 

Throughout this thread, you never mentioned whether or not you were having fun on your dates. Is it possible that you (and your date) aren't actually having fun?

 

I've been in situations like that, where we filled out the checklists we both had for looks, success, education, etc., but we didn't have fun. However, we kept dating because she wanted a relationship and I wanted sex. It ended when one (or both) of us realized it was a waste of time.

 

I'm also in NYC, and have dated a fair number of women. The two main considerations I have: 1) am I having fun, and 2) is she interested? If the answer to both is yes, sex and commitment will take care of themselves.

 

Another bit of practical advice you might use is how to know whether a guy is interested in a relationship or just sex. Look at his actions in the courtship process; if he's interested in more, he'll enthusiastically do all the calling and planning of dates, or he'll drop hints that at the "stage" you're at, there should be more equality.

 

Will you be lied to, and used for sex? Probably, on occasion. I have no doubt that I've been used for a free meal or show. But that's the liar's problem, not mine, and I try to move on and not lose sleep about it. Easier said than done, but doable yet.

[meandmyself]

Throughout this thread, you never mentioned whether or not you were having fun on your dates. Is it possible that you (and your date) aren't actually having fun?

 

I've been in situations like that, where we filled out the checklists we both had for looks, success, education, etc., but we didn't have fun. However, we kept dating because she wanted a relationship and I wanted sex. It ended when one (or both) of us realized it was a waste of time.

 

I'm also in NYC, and have dated a fair number of women. The two main considerations I have: 1) am I having fun, and 2) is she interested? If the answer to both is yes, sex and commitment will take care of themselves.

 

Another bit of practical advice you might use is how to know whether a guy is interested in a relationship or just sex. Look at his actions in the courtship process; if he's interested in more, he'll enthusiastically do all the calling and planning of dates, or he'll drop hints that at the "stage" you're at, there should be more equality.

 

Will you be lied to, and used for sex? Probably, on occasion. I have no doubt that I've been used for a free meal or show. But that's the liar's problem, not mine, and I try to move on and not lose sleep about it. Easier said than done, but doable yet.

 

Well I see some differences to be uses for a free meal or show and to be used for sex... don't you?

[scratch]

Well I see some differences to be used for a free meal or show and to be used for sex... don't you?

 

The difference between the two is a matter of degree, but the behaviors are similarly mercenary.

 

I would be less upset were my brother used for a free meal once than my sister used for sex one. But what about 10 free meals and shows? 100? Permanent support? At some point, sex goes from being a relatively big deal, to a relatively small one.

[meandmyself]

The difference between the two is a matter of degree, but the behaviors are similarly mercenary.

 

I would be less upset were my brother used for a free meal once than my sister used for sex one. But what about 10 free meals and shows? 100? Permanent support? At some point, sex goes from being a relatively big deal, to a relatively small one.

 

Gosh! I still prefer my brother to be used for 1000 free meals and shows than my sister to be used once for sex... I don't think the times this happens evens the terms...

[pbjbear]

Thanks for all the replies. I do cook but I dont offer to cook early on in stages of dating.

 

Its pretty hard to NOT have fun in NYC. There is not too much to do just hanging out in my apartment so the majority of my dates are out somewhere though I dont mind relaxing. One of the things I will miss about this place when I move is how easy it is to have fun. Yeah I am originally from the Midwest, moved here for college and then stayed, and think Im prob going to go back because of the social scene here and its so dang expensive.

 

I work with children so I do sometimes talk about children stuff, but I dont think guys get turned off by that and I usually only say this stuff when they ask me specific things about my job or seem more intelligent.

 

I wouldnt mind getting married and having kids but I dont have a timeline and Im not in any rush. Would like it to happen when I meet the right person

[pbjbear]

Didn't sleep with men until we entered exclusive, committed relationships. Even then, wouldn't necessarily sleep with them. Prior to my second husband, slept with less than a handful of men.

 

 

 

If I do this I will NOT get a boyfriend. I have tried it and it does not work.

[Woggle]

I don't meany any disrespect by this but some of the views you expressed in the other thread about male/ female relationships might be a reason why you are struggling with dating. Men know we are not as bad as you say we are and many don't want to deal with a woman who thinks we are all dogs.

 

Would you want to date a man who felt that low about women?

[pbjbear]

I dont voice my opinions about men when I am dating.

[meandmyself]

I don't meany any disrespect by this but some of the views you expressed in the other thread about male/ female relationships might be a reason why you are struggling with dating. Men know we are not as bad as you say we are and many don't want to deal with a woman who thinks we are all dogs.

 

Would you want to date a man who felt that low about women?

 

I have already said that but they deleted my post

 

It seems that she is much more relaxed in her own post that in the others...

[meandmyself]

I dont voice my opinions about men when I am dating.

 

Ohh believe me they notice...

[scratch]

Its pretty hard to NOT have fun in NYC. There is not too much to do just hanging out in my apartment so the majority of my dates are out somewhere though I dont mind relaxing. One of the things I will miss about this place when I move is how easy it is to have fun. Yeah I am originally from the Midwest, moved here for college and then stayed, and think Im prob going to go back because of the social scene here and its so dang expensive.

 

This comment shows me that you may be missing the point of what it means to have fun on a date. It's not about what you do, in my opinion, as much as about who you do it with. If you have way more fun with someone going to the Met or MSG than you do going for a walk with them, you're not having enough fun to keep dating them.

 

Is that directly related to why you can't break past "casual sex material" and into "relationship material" for the guys in whom you're interested? I'm not sure. As previous responders have noted, Occam suggests that most women who can't are going for guys who can (or think they can) do better in a relationship, but have a lower minimum bar for casual sex. You have already said you aren't in that situation, but I'm not sure how carefully you have considered it.

 

Just some additional food for thought.

[jakoye]

I am about to turn 25 and Ive never had a boyfriend. Ive dated tons but its never progressed to a relationship. Ive done casual and more serious dating and some hookups.

 

-I am not clingy. Lots of friends and hobbies

-Get told Im hot all the time. I work out a ton and eat healthy...have a body fat percentage of 19%, 5'4 113 lbs and a B almost C Cup. I will post pics if people think Im lying.

-I dont make men wait forever for sex but dont put out too quickly (usually the 4th date is the earliest for sex...I think the longest I waited was for 2 months and that was for him)

-Good career

-Im a caring nice person and get told I have a heart of gold

-I pay on alot of my dates.

 

My friends and family tell me Im a catch and dont get why Ive never had a boyfriend. Ive had tons of men use me for sex, string me along, disappear on me. Ive been the "almost" girlfriend so many times its frustrating. The "I dont want a relationship" the "I like you and think youre great but just not enough" The rejection is starting to wear on me and whenever I start dating someone new I think about how long will they like me until they decide to go away.

 

I didnt care for awhile, but its really starting to wear on my self esteem in the past year. Im not desperate for a guy meaning I wont settle for one who doesnt meet some standards I have- which arent very high. But I am starting to not trust men and give them the benefit of the doubt. If Im so hot and lovable, why do men reject me? I dont go for guys that seem like jerks either. Some guys just are good at hiding it but I have also dated guys that everyone says is so nice. I tend to go for dorkier types but not always. I was thinking today Id give up on dating. It always leads to heartbreak it seems. I see all of my friends get guys so easily that desire them and Im starting to think Im not worthy of love or something.

 

Almost no men I know would wait longer than 3 dates for sex. Your conservative attitude towards sex may be driving perfectly good men away.

 

You're a Red State girl in a blue-on-blue city. The "cultural" difference may be a factor.

 

Your height/weight stats seem fine, but I would need to see a picture to really get an idea of your dating "worth". You may be fighting above your weight.

 

On a more positive slant, it may be you've just hit a bad streak. It happens. Love doesn't happen every day and finding chemistry with just the right person is difficult. You're still young; you have time.

 

Having said all that, EVERYONE is worthy of love, my dear. Don't get down on yourself because you don't find yourself in a relationship.

[xxoo]

If I do this I will NOT get a boyfriend. I have tried it and it does not work.

 

But sleeping with them isn't working, either.

 

The ones that just want sex either disappear before sex, or disappear after sex. Which is better? Because they are going to disappear either way.

 

If you want to have sex, have sex! But having sex before exclusivity to increase your chances of becoming exclusive is bad logic.

[pbjbear]

I appreciate the responses. Its just frustrating because the responses Ive gotten are contradicting themselves.

Look at the 2 posters above me. One says "no guy will stick around if I dont sleep with him quickly" the other is saying "having sex before exclusivity most likely wont lead to exclusivity"

 

Really, what am I supposed to do?

 

If I have sex quickly, the guy is usually using me for sex, or sees to want a fling, and doesnt stick around.

If I make him hold off, he leaves.

 

This is a situation where I simply cannot win.

 

I am goofy. I am fun. I get called these things all the time. I know thats not my issue. You cant tell if a person is fun by what they write on these forums so I do get why people are asking. I am really just fed up with dating and I think Im just going to not date at all for the next 6 months and hopefully will move sometime after that.

Edited November 29, 2012 by pbjbear

[scratch]

If I have sex quickly, the guy is always using me for sex and never sticks around.

 

If I make him hold off, he leaves.

 

This is a situation where I simply cannot win.

 

If you insist on finding a clear causality here, you will drive yourself crazy. What XOXO may be saying is, you should choose to have sex (or not) based on what you want to do, not because you are trying to accomplish something.

 

I am goofy. I am fun. I get called these things all the time. I know thats not my issue.

 

Perhaps I am not communicating well here. Do you see the difference between being a fun person and having fun on a date? You can be a fun person, know lots of jokes and have snowball fights, but if your primary goal is to figure out what's wrong with the guy, it's not going to be a fun date.

 

Being on a fun date is about having an engaging conversation while also feeling the chemistry. If your date is trying to figure out what buttons he needs to push to get you into bed, it's not going to be fun. Conversely, you may be in a place where you're feeling really cautious and edgy, and doing nothing but trying to catch a guy working an angle. If that's where you are, you're not ready to be open to having fun on a date.

 

Waiting until you're ready to be a bit vulnerable makes a lot of sense.

[meandmyself]

I appreciate the responses. Its just frustrating because the responses Ive gotten are contradicting themselves.

Look at the 2 posters above me. One says "no guy will stick around if I dont sleep with him quickly" the other is saying "having sex before exclusivity most likely wont lead to exclusivity"

 

Really, what am I supposed to do?

 

If I have sex quickly, the guy is usually using me for sex, or sees to want a fling, and doesnt stick around.

If I make him hold off, he leaves.

 

This is a situation where I simply cannot win.

 

I am goofy. I am fun. I get called these things all the time. I know thats not my issue. You cant tell if a person is fun by what they write on these forums so I do get why people are asking. I am really just fed up with dating and I think Im just going to not date at all for the next 6 months and hopefully will move sometime after that.

 

The truth is that if you are easy you will get more dates... no doubt about it but if what you want is a committed relationship you need other kind of men and other kind of behavior.

[xxoo]

If I have sex quickly, the guy is usually using me for sex, or sees to want a fling, and doesnt stick around.

If I make him hold off, he leaves.

 

This is a situation where I simply cannot win.

 

Lots of guys will move on.

 

The relatively few guys who want a relationship, and truly connect with you, will not.

 

But you do have to be in a good place to make that kind of connection yourself. Connecting is a two-way street. I agree that a break from dating is a good idea. Focus on other things for a while. Ironically, those kinds of connections often happen when you aren't looking for it.

[mesmerized]

It doesn't sound like them leaving you has to do anything with how soon you sleep with them. Men you meet are probably just looking for the next best thing. You might have to change the typical "type" you go for.

[threebyfate]

If I do this I will NOT get a boyfriend. I have tried it and it does not work.

Why focus on only one data point? Is it possible it's a combination of all or most of data points?

 

People get into relationships when they find someone who sparks something long-term within them.

 

As a thought, what you might want to do is to chat with a guy friend who will be brutally honest with you. He may be able to shed some light onto why guys are kissing and bypassing.

 

But one thing does leap out at me with your posts. Do you honestly value yourself? If so, it's not coming across to me.

[Woggle]

Just be yourself and try not to always see the worst in men and then you should be fine. You are not going to attract every single man because nobody attracts everybody but you should find somebody you can really click with.

[pbjbear]

It doesn't sound like them leaving you has to do anything with how soon you sleep with them. Men you meet are probably just looking for the next best thing. You might have to change the typical "type" you go for.

 

Perhaps I just dont know how to find guys that arent.

 

I know I wont attract everybody and like I said I have rejected a few too but it was before we got to a relationship talk anyway. It is frustrating how much dating Ive done in the past 5 years and how I still have to tell people I have never had a boyfriend.

[pbjbear]

Ohh believe me they notice...

 

Im not sure how. I treat the people I date with respect. There is always a chance the next one could turn into something so I dont want to blow it. I dont get respect back

[fonewear]

I would recommend trying to date older men that are looking for a serious relationship.