Whats wrong with me why can I not get a boyfriend?

November 27, 2012

How do I PM somebody?

I think you can't until you become an established member which takes awhile or you can donate.

November 28, 2012

What do your friends think about you not finding the right guy? When you are with guys do you eventually ask what they want in their lives and allign yourself with that if you have the same goals. It sounds like you continually have to explain yourself to guys who dont care about you as a person. Find a guy who asks the why about you and wants to know where your going in life. Enjoy yourself! be happy I recently got rejected and after I thought about it. Im hot too with an awesome personality and this guy is really missing out. Im 28 and in the prime of my life and if someone doesn't want to be happy with me then thats their problem. I dont want to ask myself or friends anymore what is wrong with whomever or is there something wrong with me because with me there is nothing wrong. You keep being the awesome person you are. I have been for the last 9 1/2 years in relationships with losers who wasted my time and put themselves first and just checked out. I did so much for them. Regroup and think about what you want in a person then after a few dates start asking pointed questions about who you are interested in. If they respond favorably then continue to see them. I know it can happen for both of us but just not right now.

November 28, 2012

Friends are a great place to meet people, but if they are introducing you to HR Pumpndumps, what kind of friends are they really? Do you have any community activities? Clubs, sports groups, charities? If not, consider cultivating some of those.

This a good point

November 28, 2012

Not sure how to answer the feminism question. I mean I dont think its a woman's role to be a slave to her husband if thats what you mean. I guess I believe in equality- women should work and split chores with their partner if they live together.

Every single guy that I dated that was considered super hot used me for sex (meaning they disappeared after we had sex, or lost alot of interest) so I dont seek out men like that.
I have only ever rejected 2 guys. One because I knew he'd end up hurting me- he is a friend who goes through a ton of women and Id only have lasted a few months with him. He is known in my group for being unable to stay with one woman and hes hit on every female friend he has so Im not special. The other I rejected because he had no personality- never talked and no sense of humor which is super important to me.

I mean I need to be attracted to someone which is so subjective I have been attracted to many average looking men that had good personalities. Other than that I dont have a type personality wise. I tend to like guys that are somewhat smart- not super smart but who I can talk to about different things. However, a few guys I dated were not like this. I have liked outgoing guys, shy guys (tried with a few shy guys...they never really showed interest so I gave up), alpha and beta types (I guess I prefer a mixture of these qualities), educated and noneducated.

Ive slept with about 10 guys and none of them led to a relationship. This isnt even counting ones I fooled around with- just sex. I dont put out quickly but expecting a man to wait until Im his girlfriend doesnt seem like a good idea.

Well then, if you haven't put out quickly during these liasions, you were in fact in a relationship; just very brief.

November 28, 2012

So you've listed qualities that are definitely great. Going off by that alone would make it seem like a guy would be crazy not to date you (fooling around too early is off putting to a lot of guys though). How about you list some qualities that even you would find difficult to deal with. Are you clingy? Are you actually funny? Do you get and laugh at jokes the guys you are dating make?

Also, is it generally difficult for women in your area to date? IE. If you are in NYC, I get why you are having trouble getting into a relationship, or if you live in San Jose, then something else is off.

I live in NYC. No- dating happens out the wazoo around here. I get tons of men knocking down my door to date me...I am lucky I can be pickier about the types I choose to go out with. I DO NOT date men that have reputations of being players or users. I recently turned down a co worker of this type and he hounded me about why I wouldnt date him and got pissy when I said his history bothered me...so I do mean that

Edited November 28, 2012 by pbjbear

November 28, 2012

I live in NYC as well and found that women here are driven by something far more than relationships. I don't know if you fall into that category but in my experience, they're all work driven or motivated by themselves to be independent. Men (or most men I at least hope) want to be that provider/protector and with these types of women in NYC, can't really be that guy they want to be. So, someones got to give, right? You seem like you've got your life laid out well. You're not a bum, you're fit and attractive, but for some reason, Mr. Right just hasn't come along. Qualities of a person are irrelevant if you find someone you're truly meant to be and are happy with. You can come from opposite ends of the spectrum and still be happy. So, if anything, lower or disregard any standard you have and just have fun. On the note of having sex, it's not necessary to have sex to prolong the relationship or commit. My friend has been steadily dating the same guy for 2 years, she's still a virgin (religious reason) and he's still around.

Also, what worked for me was: don't look for it. It'll come.

November 28, 2012

Not sure how to answer that what do you consider to be too independent? I work a full time job and occasionally have weeks where I go over 40 hours a week. I almost have a grad degree but I got that slowly. I am not into spending every living second at work or school- I have an active social life and hobbies and I need that to be happy. I also dont work in a field that is high paying. I can survive on my own but I dont have alot of extra $$$ and cannot go out and buy fancy clothes, organic food and stuff like that. So a NYC guy most def could fulfill a provider need by settling down with me but I dont focus on that. In fact, the men I dated that I was happiest with did not have high paying jobs. The closest Ive ever come to being in love was with a guy who was unemployed the majority of the time we dated.

NYC people tend to be more Type A so I see what you mean...but Im not super Type A. I feel im more a mix between Type A and Type B. Im not planning on living here the rest of my life though...

I really dont think a typical NYC guy wants a clingy dependent woman...I dont get that at all. 80% of the experiences I have are that NYC guys like women that are detached but want sex soon

November 28, 2012

Well you mentioned that you pay for your own date? I don't know if that's the new thing but I always believed in the man paying for the first couple of dates and when finally going steady you guys can even it out then.

I agree that NYC men probably prefer the detached but sexually willing woman. I mean NYC is a fast paced city. Also, being the providee/protectee doesn't mean you're clingy and dependent. But at the same time, there's got to be something else going on that's causing them to flee from you. And that would be hard to pinpoint because well... it's hard to judge everyone online based on what they say. For example: I can always talk good about myself, but other people might see me differently. I'd like to say I'm a nice guy, but a lot of people think I'm an a-hole so I guess I'm not that nice after all.

November 28, 2012

I get tons of men knocking down my door to date me...I am lucky I can be pickier about the types I choose to go out with. I DO NOT date men that have reputations of being players or users. I recently turned down a co worker of this type and he hounded me about why I wouldnt date him and got pissy when I said his history bothered me...so I do mean that

Since you have tons of men knocking down your door, the only reason you don't have a boyfriend is because of the men you choose.

There is nothing else.

November 28, 2012

Since you have tons of men knocking down your door, the only reason you don't have a boyfriend is because of the men you choose.

There is nothing else.

I agree but I am already pretty picky about who I continue to date. My friends say "Oh no Peyton cant date him hes a manwhore...oh no Peyton cant date him hes not a nice guy" Not bragging- they prob see me as snotty but hey- my past experiences dictate my dating choices. I dont know what else to do.

I feel the vast majority of NYC men do not want a relationship unless someone who is way out of their league is interested in them- like fashion models, 10's looks wise, extremely successful women. I was hoping thered be some like me who just want a normal relationship

I can start letting a guy pay for dates but I started doing that after the 5th guy bitched at me about how if Im not going to put out by a certain length of time I am a waste of $$$

November 28, 2012

Like that dude mentioned, and back to what I said... drop the standards. Why do you have to choose. Why not just go with it. Everything is a risk, obviously you're trying to play it safe. But in doing so, you're also limiting yourself. What if that one guy who hounds a lot of chicks finally realizes that he wants you to be that one girl who changes him? Never really know til you let loose and just go with it. If you want a humble guy who'll appreciate you, maybe that bum on the street who has no job/house/anything. No guarantees though.

November 28, 2012

I just think you're dating guys who aren't looking for anything serious, it's seems to be on the superficial level mostly.

I'm not saying you're not dating other guys for other reasons but they probably look at you like some arm candy and that's about it....you're not stimulating enough to them to persuade them into a relationship, and otherwise they aren't seeming to be looking for one in the first place.

Desirable men have options, whether it's look, career or status...any guy who has something going for him in the dating realm isn't just going to settle for the first thing. I think you're dating these guys, going with the flow, they lead you to the bedroom, they get what they want and they're just done after that.

My question is, what are you talking to these guys and asking them about that you're not seeing or realizing they aren't interested in a relationship? and why are you letting men use your for sex without establishing some kind of direct interest, by communicating and seeing where they are in life and what they are ultimately looking for? sure, some guys are going to lie and say "well if i meet the right person" or "well yeah ultimately I'm looking for something serious...eventually"...but I doubt these guys are very interested in you and you are likely an open book and attaching quickly.

Whenever I hear a girl saying "I'm getting used for sex" I assume that girl has got to be pretty gullible and not really doing much different than "seeing where it goes" with these men...and a lot of these guys are going to be out to use you...especially if "hot" because they are desirable, that means every other girl out there they are dating is in love with their looks and willing to put out without much effort because..."at least he was hot".

You haven't really posted a lot of personal information on what is happening with your relationships to really dig in further, but that's the general gist of it...otherwise you may be attracted (unwittingly) to guys who are not available and just because they are coming on strong initially doesn't mean they are truly interested....do you give things time to develop? how much are you really investing in getting to know there guys on a personal level?

The answer is there, and likely clear...at least from a guys point of view, I might be able to tell by looking at you but not sure, otherwise you might be hot and have other things going on for you...but women men care about all of those things in the beginning necessarily, if you're "hot" then they could care less about anything other than your vagina really.

November 28, 2012

Admittedly I only read the first page, but I think you might be giving too much of yourself away, or might be trying too hard.

Let a guy pay for you the first date. Make him dinner at a later time if he offers to. That way it will feel reciprocal, but you're letting him be a gentleman.

November 28, 2012

-I am not clingy. Lots of friends and hobbies
-Get told Im hot all the time. I work out a ton and eat healthy...have a body fat percentage of 19%, 5'4 113 lbs and a B almost C Cup. I will post pics if people think Im lying.
-I dont make men wait forever for sex but dont put out too quickly (usually the 4th date is the earliest for sex...I think the longest I waited was for 2 months and that was for him)
-Good career
-Im a caring nice person and get told I have a heart of gold
-I pay on alot of my dates.

OK, so none of this list describes who YOU are. What is your personality like? You could be all these things, but as dumb as a pile of rocks. Or you could have the personality of a piece of wet cardboard.

I remember my most recent ex talking about his ex. She was good looking, caring, nice... but STUPID. She couldn't hold a conversation. She was literally an idiot, I think once saying that Japan was the capital of China. I heard her once say that 8 was the middle of 1 and 10. Yes, THAT stupid.

She also had no personality. Dull. Dry. Boring. Refused to try new things. Her set way or no way.

So in the end, her chest size, her looks, her caring nature... none of it mattered... she didn't stimulate him MENTALLY. That's what guys look for as well.

November 28, 2012

I can start letting a guy pay for dates but I started doing that after the 5th guy bitched at me about how if Im not going to put out by a certain length of time I am a waste of $$$

Wow, so this was the comment that lead you to start paying for dates?

I think this says a lot about how you perceive yourself, which likely affects the type of guys you're attracting and how they view you...

November 28, 2012

OK, so none of this list describes who YOU are. What is your personality like? You could be all these things, but as dumb as a pile of rocks. Or you could have the personality of a piece of wet cardboard.

I remember my most recent ex talking about his ex. She was good looking, caring, nice... but STUPID. She couldn't hold a conversation. She was literally an idiot, I think once saying that Japan was the capital of China. I heard her once say that 8 was the middle of 1 and 10. Yes, THAT stupid.

She also had no personality. Dull. Dry. Boring. Refused to try new things. Her set way or no way.

So in the end, her chest size, her looks, her caring nature... none of it mattered... she didn't stimulate him MENTALLY. That's what guys look for as well.

To be fair, your ex doesn't sound like much of a winner either if that's what kind of women he has relationships with.

Doesn't sound like he has much of a standard when you put it that way, but then again he probably exaggerated her faults to make you look better and to make her look worse.

I wonder what he'll say about you to his next Gf!

November 28, 2012

Wow, so this was the comment that lead you to start paying for dates?

I think this says a lot about how you perceive yourself, which likely affects the type of guys you're attracting and how they view you...

I have never gotten a comment like that since I started paying my own way.

I said it a few times but Ill repeat I dont go after players. Yeah, within my first year of dating I did. But I was inexperienced, naiive and read signs wrong many girls d this when theyre young. I have learned from my lesson.

Also, the men that say this crap to me did not seem like this the first few dates. I will ignore men I think are trying to use me for an easy lay. I really just cannot trust men anymore or at least ones in NYC because I feel the vast majority just want to get in my pants.

I tried for a period of time to not have sexual contact beyond making out before a relationship. You wont get past 4 dates. Even the ones where I explained this to and said "Oh yeah thats good. Shows you have some self respect few women have that today" did the same thing. I dont think this is in my head...this is a extremely common complaint I hear about dating in NYC. I dont cook for men early on...I dont think I come on too strong. I dont state my feelings or wear my heart on my sleeve in the beginning because Ive learned thats no good.

Personality wise Ive been described by others as smart, goofy, honest, sweet. Those are traits I hear people say about me over and over but Ive heard other things inconsistently.

Faults I have gotten from men: being blunt when asked for my opinion however the same 2 guys that said this also said I was a "sweet girl" so whatever the heck that means...sorry not gonna change this. If I am going to severely hurt a guys feelings with what I say I will soften it Im not heartless but otherwise I wont.

I have been told Im judgmental for not wanting to date a guy who has had a ton of casual sex...some is fine but men that sleep with a ton of different women turn me off and this is common among men I meet. They say "good luck finding a good quality man in his 20's who hasnt done that" Men are outnumbered by women in NYC so they have a ton of options.

A few have told me I was too detached recently...but thats because Im getting sick of dating and dont take men seriously anymore. Its pretty damn hard to not get detached overall. I dont know- I havent heard consistent faults about my personality from the opposite sex. If a guy seems genuinely nice I will show more of my emotions though.

To the person who said I should stop looking...I get asked out alot. Does this mean I should say no to a guy that asks me out? and tell others Im going on a Penis Embargo

Edited November 28, 2012 by pbjbear

November 28, 2012

Sorry if I missed it, but what is your friends theory on your dilemma?

If you have 'tons of men keen on you', but cannot get a bf, then it just does not make sense.

I knew a couple of girls like this but they were skanks and had nothing much going for them except they looked cheap & easy and were, (and guys were not interested in introducing them as their gf), and that does not sound to be your case. I'm thinking maybe you have no sense of humor and a serious/boring personality and a conservative nature. (just guessing) I know of a couple of guys who were not all that bad looking & had good career but were like this and they struggled for years. At the same time though I know a few 'cute bland as no initiative' girls who had no problems because they were pretty.

November 28, 2012

Sorry if I missed it, but what is your friends theory on your dilemma?
If you have 'tons of men keen on you', but cannot get a bf, then it just does not make sense.
I knew a couple of girls like this but they were skanks and had nothing much going for them except they looked cheap & easy and were, (and guys were not interested in introducing them as their gf), and that does not sound to be your case. I'm thinking maybe you have no sense of humor and a serious/boring personality and a conservative nature. (just guessing) I know of a couple of guys who were not all that bad looking & had good career but were like this and they struggled for years. At the same time though I know a few 'cute bland as no initiative' girls who had no problems because they were pretty.

Not serious I get called a goofball alot. Guys do not care about personality as much as women thats why u see the opposite you stated

November 28, 2012

OK, so none of this list describes who YOU are. What is your personality like? You could be all these things, but as dumb as a pile of rocks. Or you could have the personality of a piece of wet cardboard.

I remember my most recent ex talking about his ex. She was good looking, caring, nice... but STUPID. She couldn't hold a conversation. She was literally an idiot, I think once saying that Japan was the capital of China. I heard her once say that 8 was the middle of 1 and 10. Yes, THAT stupid.

She also had no personality. Dull. Dry. Boring. Refused to try new things. Her set way or no way.

So in the end, her chest size, her looks, her caring nature... none of it mattered... she didn't stimulate him MENTALLY. That's what guys look for as well.

Why did I read did this while on a call at work. I actually laughed out loud.

November 28, 2012

To be fair, your ex doesn't sound like much of a winner either if that's what kind of women he has relationships with.

Doesn't sound like he has much of a standard when you put it that way, but then again he probably exaggerated her faults to make you look better and to make her look worse.

I wonder what he'll say about you to his next Gf!

You're right, it doesn't. And I think that's why we didn't work out. He was looking for some sort of broken, submissive type and I just don't fit that mold. He couldn't handle me at all.

I already know exactly what he'd say or has said about me to other people because he said those things to my face, the a.sshole he is. He was always trying to break me down and lower me to his level.

I also made sure to set several records straight when we were over to MANY people because I knew he'd make himself out to be some sort of freaking victim, just like he always did.

November 28, 2012

You're right, it doesn't. And I think that's why we didn't work out. He was looking for some sort of broken, submissive type and I just don't fit that mold. He couldn't handle me at all.

I already know exactly what he'd say or has said about me to other people because he said those things to my face, the a.sshole he is. He was always trying to break me down and lower me to his level.

I also made sure to set several records straight when we were over to MANY people because I knew he'd make himself out to be some sort of freaking victim, just like he always did.

Hey there women and men both do this. Ive seen girls do this to my male friends and Ive had men do it to me. Ignore him. Men like this love weakminded women and choose them for a reason.

November 29, 2012

I have never gotten a comment like that since I started paying my own way.
I said it a few times but Ill repeat I dont go after players. Yeah, within my first year of dating I did. But I was inexperienced, naiive and read signs wrong many girls d this when theyre young. I have learned from my lesson.

Also, the men that say this crap to me did not seem like this the first few dates. I will ignore men I think are trying to use me for an easy lay. I really just cannot trust men anymore or at least ones in NYC because I feel the vast majority just want to get in my pants.

I tried for a period of time to not have sexual contact beyond making out before a relationship. You wont get past 4 dates. Even the ones where I explained this to and said "Oh yeah thats good. Shows you have some self respect few women have that today" did the same thing. I dont think this is in my head...this is a extremely common complaint I hear about dating in NYC. I dont cook for men early on...I dont think I come on too strong. I dont state my feelings or wear my heart on my sleeve in the beginning because Ive learned thats no good.

Personality wise Ive been described by others as smart, goofy, honest, sweet. Those are traits I hear people say about me over and over but Ive heard other things inconsistently.
Faults I have gotten from men: being blunt when asked for my opinion however the same 2 guys that said this also said I was a "sweet girl" so whatever the heck that means...sorry not gonna change this. If I am going to severely hurt a guys feelings with what I say I will soften it Im not heartless but otherwise I wont.
I have been told Im judgmental for not wanting to date a guy who has had a ton of casual sex...some is fine but men that sleep with a ton of different women turn me off and this is common among men I meet. They say "good luck finding a good quality man in his 20's who hasnt done that" Men are outnumbered by women in NYC so they have a ton of options.
A few have told me I was too detached recently...but thats because Im getting sick of dating and dont take men seriously anymore. Its pretty damn hard to not get detached overall. I dont know- I havent heard consistent faults about my personality from the opposite sex. If a guy seems genuinely nice I will show more of my emotions though.

To the person who said I should stop looking...I get asked out alot. Does this mean I should say no to a guy that asks me out? and tell others Im going on a Penis Embargo

You certainly sound like a smart, level headed girl. But as you said, you live in NYC and men have a lot of options. Most men in your age bracket prefer to sleep around than commit to one girl for the rest of their lives. People here can say whatever they want but unless you get lucky or lower your standards significantly, dating is going to be hard. I'm not sure what to tell you except:

-Don't be very judgmental or at least don't be vocal about it. People don't like to be judged in their face so unless they are doing something really morally wrong, keep it to yourself.

-Don't take dating too seriously, try to have fun with it instead of being too serious right off the bat. This will scare guys off, rightfully so. By being flirty and teasing them you will make them want more and perhaps will make them feel waiting is worth it because you're just so damn flirtatious and sexy!

-Don't be too dependent on the outcome and try to enjoy dating and time you have with these men. If you keep your hopes up for every date, you are just going to burn yourself out.

November 29, 2012

Well I dont take it seriously anymore. Prob why I get called detached. I just view dates as a way to meet new people and pass the time. I highly doubt I will get a boyfriend anytime soon considering Im prob too normal in the demographic where I live. This is truly my attitude.

I will try to work on not being judgmental. But I must say when I find out a man has had an inordinate amount of casual sex I become less attracted to them so it wont help...

November 29, 2012

Well I dont take it seriously anymore. Prob why I get called detached. I just view dates as a way to meet new people and pass the time. I highly doubt I will get a boyfriend anytime soon considering Im prob too normal in the demographic where I live. This is truly my attitude.

I will try to work on not being judgmental. But I must say when I find out a man has had an inordinate amount of casual sex I become less attracted to them so it wont help...

Yeah, you would have way more luck elsewhere. NYC girl to guy ratio is too skewed in the favor of the guys, they have no reason to commit. Since you are looking at moving anyways, might as well wait to find a serious R until you do. Hey, Bay Area is full of nerdy, smart guys...if you are into that kind of thing (well at least the weather is a heck of a lot better).

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