Mina Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 So today I helped setup a new laptop for a former coworker. While I was working on it, we got to talking about my relationship with my ex, and I finally got something I was looking for: Someone who had seen my ex and I together for a long period of time. She told me it was really pretty obvious that I really cared about and loved my ex, seeing that "I was as upbeat and giddy as a child when I was with her and a rather cynical cold person without her". She claimed it was noticeable over the months we worked together that I was really trying to better both myself for her and helping her as much as I could for her benefit. I told my former coworker about the few months leading up to the breakup, my ex hanging out with her ex who she claimed raped her, the lack of sex, and the fighting. I was told that the fighting was not my fault as that situation would have caused fights in any relationship. She agreed that while there was no proof to cheating, the situations my ex was placing herself in made it very suspicious. She confirmed my opinion that my ex will probably never have a decent relationship, as her tendencies to jump into relationships quickly (her 2 one months failed rebound relationships so far) along side her mental issues and problems with having sex, she'll be very hard pressed to find someone willing to be with her with all of that baggage. And yet, with all of that, I still admit to missing her dearly. When my coworker predicted that my ex will try to reach out to me in the future, I couldn't say I would turn her away. I still love her too much. At least now I'm don't feel as guilty about the breakup, but I still admit I really want her back. Coming up on 2 months of NC, 8 months since the breakup. Still feeling empty over the whole thing. 2
lakerman34 Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 It's funny because although no 2 breakup stories are the same, you can find similarities in almost all of them. My ex, I treated her like a goddess. Then, one day, she took away sex and then problems just arose. I essentially told her after about 3 weeks of no sex that so many issues in our relationship would be solved had we had sex. Then, one night, she disappeared from 12AM - 6AM (prime hookup time in college). Her roommate had no idea where she was, none of her sorority sisters had any idea where she was, and I assumed the worst (she was cheating). Well, she gave me two contradicting stories, and I still don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure she cheated on me. We eventually broke up, and turns out 3 weeks after the breakup she's dating the guy who I thought she cheated on me with (huh?) Their 'relationship' is going on 1 month now. I'd be surprised if it lasts another month. Neither do I care if it lasts another month. My ex was SO good at hiding her baggage, but one could read between the lines and intuit that there was A LOT. I've dated girls with baggage before, and I've FINALLY come to the conclusion that IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT. No matter how much you love these people, some people just never get over their personal baggage. Do you really want to involve yourself with someone whose got issues? Trust me, one day you'll find someone who's GENUINELY happy in life (my ex always smiled and acted bubbly, yet always found it necessary to get blackout drunk and stoned...hmmmm......), and though NOBODY you'll find will be 'perfect,' they will have a clean mind, and you will have a fulfilling, happy, loving relationship with them. Just enjoy single life, see it as a blessing, and one day Mr./Mrs. Right will come along and make ALL exes come across as a learning experience and a joke. So today I helped setup a new laptop for a former coworker. While I was working on it, we got to talking about my relationship with my ex, and I finally got something I was looking for: Someone who had seen my ex and I together for a long period of time. She told me it was really pretty obvious that I really cared about and loved my ex, seeing that "I was as upbeat and giddy as a child when I was with her and a rather cynical cold person without her". She claimed it was noticeable over the months we worked together that I was really trying to better both myself for her and helping her as much as I could for her benefit. I told my former coworker about the few months leading up to the breakup, my ex hanging out with her ex who she claimed raped her, the lack of sex, and the fighting. I was told that the fighting was not my fault as that situation would have caused fights in any relationship. She agreed that while there was no proof to cheating, the situations my ex was placing herself in made it very suspicious. She confirmed my opinion that my ex will probably never have a decent relationship, as her tendencies to jump into relationships quickly (her 2 one months failed rebound relationships so far) along side her mental issues and problems with having sex, she'll be very hard pressed to find someone willing to be with her with all of that baggage. And yet, with all of that, I still admit to missing her dearly. When my coworker predicted that my ex will try to reach out to me in the future, I couldn't say I would turn her away. I still love her too much. At least now I'm don't feel as guilty about the breakup, but I still admit I really want her back. Coming up on 2 months of NC, 8 months since the breakup. Still feeling empty over the whole thing.
bpdr Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 She confirmed my opinion that my ex will probably never have a decent relationship, as her tendencies to jump into relationships quickly (her 2 one months failed rebound relationships so far) along side her mental issues and problems with having sex, she'll be very hard pressed to find someone willing to be with her with all of that baggage. I hear ya Mina. I too am wrangling with nearly identical persona with my STBXW who also is personality disordered but yet not clinically diagnosed. The damage to the relationship has far exceeded anything I have ever experienced before. My only contact is regarding finance via email. No voice, No texts, and have not seen her since September. It's okay to admit that you still love her. But taking her back after all of that? You really have to ask yourself -- and it begs the question; "Can the TWO of you actually be happy?" once fences are mended -- if ever? I know with my W and her baggage -- and what she has done to destroy me in the process is unforgivable. Even so, regarding finance and D stuff -- my W says to me; "It bums me out more than anything that things didn't work out for us and I love you and miss you every day" Followed by; "Who knows what the future holds for us"? I mean really!? Niceties don't cut it. Actions speak louder than words. Has your ex made ANY concessions like this? I know you love her. But, even with the "Change of Heart" so-to-speak -- does it make sense to you to reinvent a broken relationship? Albeit -- a Marriage? The answer to that question eludes me everyday while my heart burns, and my stress and anxiety levels are through the roof! It just plain sucks all of the time. Like you, I feel these same emotions. The typical "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda' type crap. So, I simply reach into my pocket and pull out my LIST of crap she has put me through! (And is STILL doing to me) then, the picture becomes logically clear again. The heart will bedevil you. The mind will not fail you. You know in your mind the very RIGHT thing to do. Stop listening to your heart. For it is there, you will balk, you will hesitate, you will ponder the romance of it -- and then you will be back to square one! Do you really want to put yourself through that again? In my case, I genuinely feel as if it could really damage my psychological welfare. My mind hasn't been right since April of this year. I know this. I also know -- I may never be the same again. For this M changed me forever. Do you still feel the same for your ex as you did in the beginning? If you do, then I say yes. Go for it. But if you do not....forget it. It's over. NC all the way, and move beyond this toxic relationship. I wish you all the very best in every endeavor. Think about you this time. Not her. BP
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