ReadMyThread Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 Saludas I'm with you man! Lol. Whatever you say I'm behind you know this. In the end, you will do what YOU want to do no matter what anyone tells you. If you do want to clear the air, then clear it. Like you said a simple hey or hi the next time you see her or something and see what happens. But with this new guy in the way I wouldn't say anything to her or worry about clearing it. I don't think there is anything to clear if she has started with someone new. It sounds like you don't want her to hate you or for your two to hate each other. I think this will all go awake within NC. Time will take this away. I didn't know you were with her for 6 weeks. It must have ended in the honeymoon phase and you didn't get to see the real her. Be thankful for that! Damn that must be hard not seeing what problems she had but believe me Saludas, she has problems!!! Lol. Hell, she's got 4 kids! She's for sure got problems lol. Be thankful you didn't get too serious with this girl. It wouldn't have been better for you. You will meet someone who is 10x better than this girl. I know you will. From the posts you posts you are going in the right direction.
Author suladas Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 The only one making it weird is you. You're viewing the whole situation from your perspective. Do you even think this woman cares about clearing the air? Do you think she cares that it's weird? She's 35 with 4 kids, dating and living her life. She's far removed from the 6 weeks that you had with her. She's moved on. She's not posting on a site asking for support in terms of finding normalcy with a man she had a fling with for 6 weeks. She's in a different mental and emotional space. Her head is filled with the new man. You on the other hand, struggling about how to be civil. This is not about clearing the air. This is about you still feeling emotional and still needing some sort of validation from her that you exist, or that she cares, or that she's affected. You need something from her to feel accepted. "Trying to clear the air will actually help me." You depend on her validation to help you deal with your emotions. Bingo. Deal with them on your own. Stop lying to yourself about having moved on. If you did, you wouldn't have to create a thread about extending a simple hello to a neighbor who once was your lover. You would have done it. And regardless of the outcome, you would have survived and carried on. The fact that you have to post and debate about it, is a clear sign to you that you need to keep away from someone that triggers you this much. I see my ex, that I dated for 2 years here and there and we say hi and that's it. I don't come here and post because it is indifferent to me. It's not indifferent to you. When it's not, best to stay away. And you said that there may come a time when you're over her and you won't even want to have anything to do with her. Try to get there. You'll be thankful when it happens. As much as i hate to say it there is some truth to your post where I want to hear from her. Sorry to say, but until you live next door to your ex and see them everyday you seriously have no idea how rough it is. Other people have the luxury of forgetting their ex to help them, I don't have that. Even today though seeing them again, bothered me less then yesterday. I am really happy about that and i'm sure it won't be long where I won't care. Like I said to, 6 weeks is not a accurate gauge of how long it was, considering there was pretty much a friendship for a year prior to that, and in 6 weeks who sees each other pretty much every single day right from the start and talks most of the day. It doesn't mean anything, just saying i'm not being hard on myself with how long it took me to get over her. But i'm also not dumb, I know she isn't struggling or constantly thinking about me and she's long over it and what we had was nothing compared to her and her ex husband or anything.
na49 Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 I can imagine how difficult seeing your ex can be, my ex is in two of the same classes so I see her there, and although after the semester I'll be in new classes there is still the chance of me seeing her on campus. Something that I really don't want, and I definitely don't need to see her with another guy but I'm afraid I will eventually. I just hope that by the time that happens I'm more over her than I already am.
Author suladas Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 Saludas I'm with you man! Lol. Whatever you say I'm behind you know this. In the end, you will do what YOU want to do no matter what anyone tells you. If you do want to clear the air, then clear it. Like you said a simple hey or hi the next time you see her or something and see what happens. But with this new guy in the way I wouldn't say anything to her or worry about clearing it. I don't think there is anything to clear if she has started with someone new. It sounds like you don't want her to hate you or for your two to hate each other. I think this will all go awake within NC. Time will take this away. I didn't know you were with her for 6 weeks. It must have ended in the honeymoon phase and you didn't get to see the real her. Be thankful for that! Damn that must be hard not seeing what problems she had but believe me Saludas, she has problems!!! Lol. Hell, she's got 4 kids! She's for sure got problems lol. Be thankful you didn't get too serious with this girl. It wouldn't have been better for you. You will meet someone who is 10x better than this girl. I know you will. From the posts you posts you are going in the right direction. Thanks man. I'm doing fine, mostly just confused but it'll work out in the end. It was serious in the short time, that's why it was so hard, I even got attached to the kids. I'm not worried, no matter what happens i'll be fine.
Author suladas Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 I can imagine how difficult seeing your ex can be, my ex is in two of the same classes so I see her there, and although after the semester I'll be in new classes there is still the chance of me seeing her on campus. Something that I really don't want, and I definitely don't need to see her with another guy but I'm afraid I will eventually. I just hope that by the time that happens I'm more over her than I already am. It's not easy. Part of why it was so tough on me was because of things said during the BU, I never expected her to start seeing someone else, especially not anywhere near that soon. Best advice I can say is, expect to see her with someone else and brace yourself for it, it's not easy. I could see her and not be bothered, but a guy added to it, makes it much worse.
geegirl Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 As much as i hate to say it there is some truth to your post where I want to hear from her. Sorry to say, but until you live next door to your ex and see them everyday you seriously have no idea how rough it is. Other people have the luxury of forgetting their ex to help them, I don't have that. Even today though seeing them again, bothered me less then yesterday. I am really happy about that and i'm sure it won't be long where I won't care. Like I said to, 6 weeks is not a accurate gauge of how long it was, considering there was pretty much a friendship for a year prior to that, and in 6 weeks who sees each other pretty much every single day right from the start and talks most of the day. It doesn't mean anything, just saying i'm not being hard on myself with how long it took me to get over her. But i'm also not dumb, I know she isn't struggling or constantly thinking about me and she's long over it and what we had was nothing compared to her and her ex husband or anything. Understandable. It's hard having your trigger right there infront of you. No one can fault you for feeling the way you are feeling. That's not the point of this thread/responses. The problem is that you keep lying to yourself. You say you are 99% moved on, when everything you say is otherwise. That's what we're trying to tell you. Hi, hello, clearing the air, being weird is irrelevant when you're still caught up emotionally. There is no benefit for you to derail yourself this way. Your only objective now is to get over her, completely, and be true to yourself about it rather than bargain your efforts to actually heal just because you need some sort of acceptance/validation from her.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 No air needs to be cleared. If you want to say hi, you say hi and don't worry if it seems "weird", because it shouldn't matter to you if it does or not. You can always give a head nod as well. But yeah, if you are worried about how a simple gesture such as saying hi is being perceived then you aren't quite healed. Hi is hi -- it's not a big deal. Trust me, it's a lot more "weird" to have to clear the air.
Author suladas Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 Well I ended up sending her a message, not the one I wrote just a short one. I know you guys said not to but i really thought it was best. Actually replied and was happy about talking again. Weird though, first contact in 4 months and getting a reply didn't phase me.
geegirl Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Weird though, first contact in 4 months and getting a reply didn't phase me. Didn't phase you because you got a fix, sort of an ego boost. Salved your wound for a bit. Hopefully you get what you seek from being in contact again. Good luck.
Author suladas Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 Didn't phase you because you got a fix, sort of an ego boost. Salved your wound for a bit. Hopefully you get what you seek from being in contact again. Good luck. I think it's because when I see her it won't be weird, we know were each of us stands now and want to be friendly still.
Author suladas Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 Seems like a dead end again. Haha whatever. Actually still glad I did it, I just don't give a f**k anymore. Breaking no contact didn't phase me at all, I was a tiny bit concerned actually but it helped me even more. I give up trying to understand her, it's a waste of time. Whatever happens, happens. Got a hot date this weekend anyways
CptSaveAho Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Got a hot date this weekend anyways Say hi to rosie and her 5 sisters for me
Author suladas Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 Say hi to rosie and her 5 sisters for me Don't get the reference.....
Simon Phoenix Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Don't get the reference..... He's saying that you will be petting the one-eyed monster.
LostOne1 Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Seems like a dead end again. Haha whatever. Actually still glad I did it, I just don't give a f**k anymore. Breaking no contact didn't phase me at all, I was a tiny bit concerned actually but it helped me even more. I give up trying to understand her, it's a waste of time. Whatever happens, happens. Got a hot date this weekend anyways yeah I gave up too after awhile. I wish I had given up before, because it makes me feel stupid in some sense. Because I have my ex the satisfaction of wanting her, which porbably made her feel like she was worth more than me. At the same time I'm glad, because I know I tried and that's all I could do. No use trying to understand the ex's lol... I think their state of mind is un-understandable. I guess when a BU happens no one thinks clearly for awhile probably till both sides heal. Then you think clearly and see things in better perspective. Its gotta be worse living near each other or next to each other. If me and my ex had that.. jeez.. it would be very odd and tough.
Author suladas Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 yeah I gave up too after awhile. I wish I had given up before, because it makes me feel stupid in some sense. Because I have my ex the satisfaction of wanting her, which porbably made her feel like she was worth more than me. At the same time I'm glad, because I know I tried and that's all I could do. No use trying to understand the ex's lol... I think their state of mind is un-understandable. I guess when a BU happens no one thinks clearly for awhile probably till both sides heal. Then you think clearly and see things in better perspective. Its gotta be worse living near each other or next to each other. If me and my ex had that.. jeez.. it would be very odd and tough. If she assumed I still wanted her from the message yesterday she is crazy, it was simply a hey how have you been things have been awkward not talking and all, don't see why it needs to be like that. I don't know what she is thinking she agreed at first and said sorry for acting that way. It could be a million reasons she's flip flopping but then again she was hot and cold the whole time we went out. It use to be hard, but I'm use to her being next door now.
geegirl Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 (edited) If she assumed I still wanted her from the message yesterday she is crazy, it was simply a hey how have you been things have been awkward not talking and all, don't see why it needs to be like that. I don't know what she is thinking she agreed at first and said sorry for acting that way. It could be a million reasons she's flip flopping but then again she was hot and cold the whole time we went out. It use to be hard, but I'm use to her being next door now. The thing is, it's awkward for you but it isn't for her. You keep forcing your expectations on her. You can't stand the awkwardness but she's perfectly fine with it. In that sense, you can't expect a response that helps alleviate your issues because it's not an issue for her. Dumpers can smell desperation. If you've reached out three times already, albeit she dumped you, she can smell you. It doesn't matter the content or tone of your message. She apologized for acting a certain way and to her, that's all that was needed. Your motive to contact was to be able to say hi if you saw her, so leave it at that. There is no need to get into conversations and be friends. She's not in a the same emotional bubble as you are. She is detached, you however, are still attached. Kill your expectations. A few days ago you said it's hard with her being next door and that you need to end the awkwardness and now when you're disappointed with the outcome, you are suddenly used to her living next door. It's a strong sense of denial. You tend to lie to yourself about how you really feel. Edited November 29, 2012 by geegirl
Author suladas Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 Not even going to bother with most of it, a lot of the conclusions being made here are insane, and frankly I didn't say even half of what happened between us because I couldn't be bothered and don't want to dig up the past. Fact is I know my ex better then you guys, sure i've got some good advice here I should have followed but also bad advice that i'm glad I didn't. I did my best to try and figure out what advice was good and to follow. I did what I did because I wanted to clear the air, and things go back to how they were long before we dated as close as possible. I said i'm use to her being next door, but it's still awkward and a bit tough sometimes it makes sense to me? Yes I am not kidding myself, I still have some feelings for her, and yes contacting her again brought a bit to the surface again. Did contacting her change anything? Not really, not as much as I thought it would, but whatever. I really did expect more of a solid good/bad response not wishy washy. It is a bit frusterating to be honest. If she completely ignored it, it would of been a more solid answer then replying in the way she did. Sure it's my first BU and I don't know much and i'm learning as I go, and taking the advice I think is good. Will I look back and think I was foolish about some of the things I did? Sure most likely, but it's a learning experience. Am I causing myself more hurt then needed getting over her? For sure, but i'm learning a lot. Oh and for the record, I said many times I wasn't NC, partly because still seeing her isn't being NC, and if she did initiate I would of likely responsed. I didn't see the point in ignoring, in my case anyway. But then again it depends on the situation. As far as her being hold and cold, I was a bit naive there in not calling her out on it, I just figured it was a phase between some of the things she was going through. I have reflected and learned a lot since the RS ended, and things I will not put up with, and do differently in my next one.
Author suladas Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 Oh and just incase anyone is wondering. It was the last time I will contact her, unless it pertains to something that I don't have a choice because of our living situation it is the last time. Feel free to quote me if I ever say different, but I won't. There is nothing else to say, not even on christmas.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 No air needed to be cleared dude. You would have been a lot more effective just naturally just saying hi or nodding. The sooner you stop looking at this as some epic confrontation the better. You definitely were looking for a specific response and you didn't get it.
Author suladas Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 It didn't need to be by any means, I was more-less gauging her response. Ya for sure I was hoping for a good response, but mostly just any response good or bad. Not wishy washy crap.
Author suladas Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Well got into it today with her, and didn't end very well. Can't say I care to ever speak to her again. Just kinda kicked in, why did I bother being nice to someone for so long who frankly didn't deserve it? I guess I figured she was a good person, but obviously I was wrong. The joys of her still being next door, even though I will never speak to her again unless she has something good to say to make up for the BS, I really doubt this is the end..... I forsee more BS arising I'm not one to hold grudges but i'm not going to forget this BS and just be friendly again. I'm perfectly ok never talking to her again. Sure a part of me wishes it ended differently, but it is what it is.
Author suladas Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 (edited) The weird part is, I really didn't even get that angry or want to say anything hurtful, even if it was completely true. I wanted to before as there is plenty of things I know that would hurt her deep but I didn't want to. I think i'm just too nice of a person and it burns me a lot. Edited December 11, 2012 by suladas
Author suladas Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 I just know i'm going to hear from her again, i'll pretty much guarantee it. I'll deal with it when and if it happens I guess.
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