Best way to clear the air

[suladas]

I'm sure most people know my situation, breaking up with my neighbor a few months ago, anyways it is still incredibly awkward, like I seen her today getting the mail and I just hate how it's awkward and we don't talk, and avoid each other. I'm not mad at her or anything, i've let it go. There is still some feelings there because being that close and seeing her today made my heart race. But I think more then anything it's because of the tension there and knowing how awkward it is.

 

 

I'm just looking for advice on how to clear the air? We haven't had contact in like 3 months (besides for seeing each other like that, no talking or texts), broken up for 4.5 months now. I don't want to be her friend or anything, I would like to go back to somewhat what we had before dating, as much as possible. Just being able to say hi and it not be weird and stuff.

I was thinking of sending a message on FB and re-adding her, or is a text better? I mean then I know if she reads it and doesn't accept the friend request there's my answer.

 

I was thinking along on the lines of Hey, i'm not sure about your feelings on it, but it really seems to be awkward and a lot of tension between us and i'd just like to clear the air and go back to being able to at least say hi and stuff. Obviously I don't know how you feel about it, but it seems like we avoid each other and I don't see why we should.

 

Is this good? Anything I should change/add?

 

I'm sure some people are gonna say why I want to, I mean if she didn't live next door and I would never see her, I wouldn't care and would be ok never talking to her again. But we live next door, we see each other all the time so I don't see why not just try to make it friendly again, especially when summer comes again we see each other outside all the time. I know there is a chance she doesn't want to or doesn't care, but if that's the case whatever I tried.

[na49]

I know where you're coming from, seeing my ex still makes my heart race even though we haven't been broken up for as long as you and your ex have been. I think that for your sake, you shouldn't want to be friends (or "civil" I tried that with my ex and it doesn't really work, or didn't for me). Even though you think you've moved on, the fact that you want her to pay attention to you makes me think that you haven't completely moved on. I can understand how awkward it must be, I deal with the something similar, seeing my ex in class or outside of class. I don't make eye contact and walk right past her.

[Simon Phoenix]

Don't do anything. Let it happen at it's own pace, if it does. Just because you are neighbors doesn't mean you have to talk to each other. Lots of neighbors don't interact with each other. If you still get butterflies around her, it's too soon to make this move.

[suladas]

I'm not sure about it yet. I mean I'm like 99% over her it doesn't really phase me anymore. The thing today was because I didn't know what to do, like say hi? Nothing? Just avoid her? I find it annoying. If we cleared the air I wouldn't think twice, if I try and fail I won't care either because ill just think I tried and whatever. I mean I don't think if I just get ignored I will care much. What do I have to loose by trying? I know lots of neighbors don't talk but I don't like that and besides for her I talk to them all and I like it that way. Actually we will have to talk a bit, considering its a duplex, there is going to be things that come up like in the spring finishing the fence between us well have to talk. I think if I wait until then and do nothing I'd be more likely to just tell her to screw off and not want to talk to her anymore, which I'd like to avoid if possible. Maybe I'm just to nice, I don't know.

[CptSaveAho]

If you have to create a thread about her, you aren't over her....

[suladas]

If you have to create a thread about her, you aren't over her....

 

How do you make that connection? I've made some mistakes during the BU and there's been good advice here so why not? I know I'm not 100% over her just like so close though.

[Pinky777]

Why not just say Hi next time you see her? Same way you would with any other neighbor, if you're like that. Don't say hi and wait around for a response, just a friendly hello and walk right on by. She might not respond at all because she's confused or taken aback. You don't have to say anything at all but it seems like an awkward situation having to see her from time to time. I wouldn't FB friend her or text her, those are things friends or acquaintances do, but a friendly hi is what neighbors do, which is what you are. If she continues to ignore you, she's the jerk.

[geegirl]

"Just saw my ex this afternoon walking to her car with a guy, assuming she is with him, oh man did it hurt for a few minutes it felt like my heart was ripped out and stomped on, obviously I don't know for sure but I am going to assume that is it someone she is seeing. It was the first time i've cried in a very long time. I could be wrong but I doubt it.

 

But now I feel good that I know, I am glad I seen it actually. It means she was a lying b*tch as I had somewhat assumed she was lying to me already about some things, now I know for sure because if she lied about one thing I am sure she lied about tons. Now I can carry on with my life and not ever try to be nice to her again despite being neighbors, some days I thought I would tell her to f**k off if she ever spoke to me, now I know I will. I thought i'd be really sad because I though we had something but honestly I just feel more like f**k her, I deserve a lot better, I put up with a lot and gave her the benefit of the doubt too many times and let myself get walked all over, because I felt bad that she was going through a rough time with things and was doing what I could to help her. Especially considering pre-dating how much I did for her just because i'm a good guy and to be lied to and played like that? I mean I said right from the start of the BU, if she didn't want to be with me just tell me straight out don't give me BS like you want to be alone and all this sh*t and we could still be neighbors without any hard feelings. A lot of stuff still doesn't make sense if she's dating again, but whatever."

 

 

 

You wrote the above 23 days ago, with much hurt, hostility and anger. You sing a different tune now. I think you're bargaining with your emotions. You're kidding yourself into believing you're 99% over her. The above speaks otherwise.

 

Best to wait until you're completely over her, and that means getting to stage of seeing her with someone else and not flinching or posting on a support forum.

 

Don't compare your reactions and emotions to neighbors. You didn't date them nor did they hurt you.

Edited November 27, 2012 by geegirl

[suladas]

Why not just say Hi next time you see her? Same way you would with any other neighbor, if you're like that. Don't say hi and wait around for a response, just a friendly hello and walk right on by. She might not respond at all because she's confused or taken aback. You don't have to say anything at all but it seems like an awkward situation having to see her from time to time. I wouldn't FB friend her or text her, those are things friends or acquaintances do, but a friendly hi is what neighbors do, which is what you are. If she continues to ignore you, she's the jerk.

 

I was thinking of that actually, but it seems kinda odd just to say hi after everything? That wouldn't come across as odd? We actually exchanged fb and numbers long before dating, we were really close neighbors right from day 1 actually. Maybe that's why I see it differently? I mean we'd talk pretty much everyday, closer then any neighbor I've had before by far.

[Simon Phoenix]

I was thinking of that actually, but it seems kinda odd just to say hi after everything? That wouldn't come across as odd? We actually exchanged fb and numbers long before dating, we were really close neighbors right from day 1 actually. Maybe that's why I see it differently? I mean we'd talk pretty much everyday, closer then any neighbor I've had before by far.

 

Why do you care if it comes off as odd?

[CptSaveAho]

What do you want to clear the air about? You had an older woman use you as a rebound... stop worrying what she thinks/feels and focus on yourself

 

FYI, your ex is a LOSER. You shouldnt care how she feels or try to go back to the way things were. You are so much better off now without her and her baggage in your life. Seriously go have some fun with your life, jump into PUA, meet women your own age and have fun.

[suladas]

"Just saw my ex this afternoon walking to her car with a guy, assuming she is with him, oh man did it hurt for a few minutes it felt like my heart was ripped out and stomped on, obviously I don't know for sure but I am going to assume that is it someone she is seeing. It was the first time i've cried in a very long time. I could be wrong but I doubt it.

 

But now I feel good that I know, I am glad I seen it actually. It means she was a lying b*tch as I had somewhat assumed she was lying to me already about some things, now I know for sure because if she lied about one thing I am sure she lied about tons. Now I can carry on with my life and not ever try to be nice to her again despite being neighbors, some days I thought I would tell her to f**k off if she ever spoke to me, now I know I will. I thought i'd be really sad because I though we had something but honestly I just feel more like f**k her, I deserve a lot better, I put up with a lot and gave her the benefit of the doubt too many times and let myself get walked all over, because I felt bad that she was going through a rough time with things and was doing what I could to help her. Especially considering pre-dating how much I did for her just because i'm a good guy and to be lied to and played like that? I mean I said right from the start of the BU, if she didn't want to be with me just tell me straight out don't give me BS like you want to be alone and all this sh*t and we could still be neighbors without any hard feelings. A lot of stuff still doesn't make sense if she's dating again, but whatever."

 

 

 

You wrote the above 23 days ago, with much hurt, hostility and anger. You sing a different tune now. I think you're bargaining with your emotions. You're kidding yourself into believing you're 99% over her. The above speaks otherwise.

 

Best to wait until you're completely over her, and that means getting to stage of seeing her with someone else and not flinching or posting on a support forum.

 

Don't compare your reactions and emotions to neighbors. You didn't date them nor did they hurt you.

 

I know how bad that hurt then, for many reasons it felt like the BU was happening all over again. I seen them together since then, and today again and everytime it bothers me less and less. I'm not completely ok with her dating someone else, nor will I be tomorrow but one day I will be and I want to get there. I don't have a choice, I don't have the luxury of forgetting my ex like most people. I have to accept that she's dating someone new and i'm going to see them together. I think a big part of the issue is i've been on dates but none go anywhere and i'm struggling to find someone new. If I was with someone new, I know I wouldn't care. I want her to be happy I have nothing against her, if she is happier with someone else then good for her, why would anyone want to be with someone who wasn't happy with them?

[suladas]

Why do you care if it comes off as odd?

 

Well i'd like to do whatever is the best way to clear the air and get things as back to normal as possible. We did the hi thing right after the BU for about a week but it was really weird, and both just stopped and started avoiding each other. So to start doing it 4 months later seems a bit odd no?

 

I'm just wondering why everything thinks it's a bad idea. Is it because you think if she ignores it it will hurt me? Do you think it makes me seem desperate? Just wondering what the reason is.

[suladas]

What do you want to clear the air about? You had an older woman use you as a rebound... stop worrying what she thinks/feels and focus on yourself

 

FYI, your ex is a LOSER. You shouldnt care how she feels or try to go back to the way things were. You are so much better off now without her and her baggage in your life. Seriously go have some fun with your life, jump into PUA, meet women your own age and have fun.

 

You can think whatever you'd like, but I know I was not a rebound in anyway. Where did I say i'm trying to get her back? I'm meeting new women, i've been on dates, etc. I have yet to meet anyone who comes close, but whatever it will come. I don't even see what that has to do with this though?

Edited November 27, 2012 by suladas

[CptSaveAho]

Right! Your first relationship with a older lady with 4 kids and your 23

 

You know it all! When I was 23, I wouldnt touch a lady with kids when there are sooooooooooooooooooooooo many young girls without kids

 

FYI.... no older man that was healthy would touch her with a 10 foot pole

[suladas]

Right! Your first relationship with a older lady with 4 kids and your 23

 

You know it all! When I was 23, I wouldnt touch a lady with kids when there are sooooooooooooooooooooooo many young girls without kids

 

FYI.... no older man that was healthy would touch her with a 10 foot pole

 

I'm not saying I know everything why do you think i'm here? Did you see where I said earlier how I made mistakes since the BU and why i'm here for the good advice?

[CptSaveAho]

You didnt make any mistakes.... Did everything we have all been guilty of

 

There is nothing you need to clear the air of... shes lucky she wasnt my neighbor at 23.... id use her car everynight as a urinal after my nights out

[suladas]

You didnt make any mistakes.... Did everything we have all been guilty of

 

There is nothing you need to clear the air of... shes lucky she wasnt my neighbor at 23.... id use her car everynight as a urinal after my nights out

 

Why? Unless everything she ever said to me was a lie, which I highly doubt I don't see any reason to hate her. Sure I wish some things during the BU where different but it is what it is, and she didn't do anything to hurt me on purpose. Trust me, i've been trying to find a solid reason to hate her, or know if she was lying. I'd be happy then to make her f**king life a living hell for screwing me over, but I know she didn't. Things just didn't work out, I don't see the need to hate ex's unless they did something to hurt you.

[CptSaveAho]

Simple facts... your young and immature... stop pretending like you know it all... you dont

 

Accept these things

1) the relationship is over

2) she used you as a rebound (includes lying)

3) stop lying to yourself.... every one of your threads is you spewing complete and utter BS and we have all pointed it out to you... you are the only one not accepting it

4) Move on... get therapy.... you have been grieving this bull**** relationship for longer then the relationship itself

[suladas]

I have moved on. Besides for a few setbacks in the past month I was doing great and couldn't careless anymore. Everyone can agree that seeing your ex with someone new hurts, especially considering my circumstances. I accepted the relationship was over a long time ago.

 

I honestly don't really care if I contact her, i've went many months I could go many more, like I said if she didn't live next door i'd be happy never seeing or talking to her again. I don't have the urge to contact her anymore, it's more like if we talk again, cool, if not whatever. It seems like you are assuming because I want to clear the air I want her back? That is not the case at all. Even just because it hurts to see her with someone else, doesn't mean I want her back either.

 

Maybe i'm wrong here, but I feel like trying to clear the air will actually help me. If she doesn't respond I realize she is a b*tch say f**k it and completely forget about it. Or she responds, we clear the air and things are no longer weird.

 

What BS am I spewing?

Edited November 27, 2012 by suladas

[CptSaveAho]

What is there to clear the air about... you dated 6 weeks.... she dumped you and is now dating someone new. Does she need to dump you again?

 

Clear the air .... aka closure is hey I cleaned up my mess, please dump me again because I dont have any self respect and coping abilities to live a normal emotionally healthy life is essentially what you are telling us

 

Except your asking for closure 4 months after a 6 week relationship... You look really psychotic btw. Dont be surprised if the cops are called

[Simon Phoenix]

Well i'd like to do whatever is the best way to clear the air and get things as back to normal as possible. We did the hi thing right after the BU for about a week but it was really weird, and both just stopped and started avoiding each other. So to start doing it 4 months later seems a bit odd no?

 

I'm just wondering why everything thinks it's a bad idea. Is it because you think if she ignores it it will hurt me? Do you think it makes me seem desperate? Just wondering what the reason is.

 

Who cares if it seems odd? If you want to say hi, say hi. If you don't, don't. You don't need to have to make a big production about it. You definitely don't need to clear the air. Just say hi, or nod or smile, or don't.

[moveONorStay]

Power to you for wanting to be the bigger person and be civil. Problem is, not many people are capable of this...as seems to be the case of your ex.

 

Honestly, you are 23 and free to see whoever you want...you'll find someone far more suitable for you if you let this lady go.

 

Ask yourself honestly...where did you see a relationship with her going?? She is 35 with 4 kids...do you want to play dad?? Hell no!!!! That would be crazy!!

 

Think about it! When are 35 you'll have a wife and kids of your own...this woman will be 47 and past it!!

 

Look at the bigger picture!

[geegirl]

The only one making it weird is you. You're viewing the whole situation from your perspective. Do you even think this woman cares about clearing the air? Do you think she cares that it's weird? She's 35 with 4 kids, dating and living her life. She's far removed from the 6 weeks that you had with her. She's moved on. She's not posting on a site asking for support in terms of finding normalcy with a man she had a fling with for 6 weeks. She's in a different mental and emotional space. Her head is filled with the new man.

 

You on the other hand, struggling about how to be civil. This is not about clearing the air. This is about you still feeling emotional and still needing some sort of validation from her that you exist, or that she cares, or that she's affected. You need something from her to feel accepted.

 

"Trying to clear the air will actually help me." You depend on her validation to help you deal with your emotions. Bingo. Deal with them on your own.

 

Stop lying to yourself about having moved on. If you did, you wouldn't have to create a thread about extending a simple hello to a neighbor who once was your lover. You would have done it. And regardless of the outcome, you would have survived and carried on. The fact that you have to post and debate about it, is a clear sign to you that you need to keep away from someone that triggers you this much.

 

I see my ex, that I dated for 2 years here and there and we say hi and that's it. I don't come here and post because it is indifferent to me. It's not indifferent to you. When it's not, best to stay away.

 

And you said that there may come a time when you're over her and you won't even want to have anything to do with her. Try to get there. You'll be thankful when it happens.

[cavalier99]

Easy there everyone. I agree with everyone and suladas. He is just trying to get thru this and it is tough on him even if it was short relationship. Enough harsh reality for now. Saludas I reccomend u reflect on what people said and dont get mad. I like your posts. I believe you have moved on a lot. But it was a short relationship. Dont give it so much power.

Edited November 27, 2012 by cavalier99