First date after 2 months. Sad and hurt.

[edgygirl]

So I met this guy online and we've been emailing/texting/talking for two months and he asked me a month ago if I was going to be in my city for Thanksgiving as he was coming to visit part of his family. We are both 40. The conversations intensified over the last month (daily) and the expectations ran high.

 

So we finally meet on the weekend. I know I looked good (all guys stared at me in the restaurant), and I did feel there was chemistry. But as the alcohol was poured and I felt comfortable with him, somehow he extracted things about me/my family that I would not normally tell. Nothing too crazy, just things that I don't ever tell anyone like my fights with my brother since I was born, etc.

 

I also think I was trying too hard to be sociable (I talked with people in the table beside us when he was in the bathroom, laughed with the waitress etc). I think I was just trying to show that I am friendly/funny but maybe it came across as trying too hard (?)

In any case, we went to another bar and had a glass of whiskey as well. Inhibitions disappeared and we kissed PDA-like sitting at the counter.

 

We ended up in my place (his family lives a little far from the city and he did not have his car) and ended up having sex (many many times) the whole night. It was quite good and I was surprised by his technique which left me a bit confused with all the alcohol. I would say my performance wasn't the best.

 

In any case, next morning all the sweetness from the 2 last months had disappeared. We had sex in the morning again, and after he showered he sat in the sofa saying nothing, it made me so uncomfortable. I am not sure now if the sweetness before meeting was in my head or things just changed after sex or after we finally met.

 

He was supposed to stay in the city for 2 more days. He left in the afternoon to visit a friend who had a baby. Didn't hear from him at all that day. Next day after lunch he sends me a How you're doing message. By then I was so angry and sad that apparently he did plan to see me again before leaving that I decided to make him wait about 2-3 hours and then I replied saying I was recovering from having gone out last night. Asked him if he was having fun or prepping to go back home. He only answered 6 hours later, when I was at a bar having a girls night out. He only said he was going back to work tomorrow. I told him I was having this girls night out fun. Haven't heard back from him. I must say he works in shifts crazy hours for now but still...

I think I gave the impression that I drink too much, when it happened only this weekend. So today I said I think I was tipsy when I sent him my last message and asked him when was his shift today. No word back.

 

I have the impression I should understand he is not that into me anymore and suck it up.

 

But it hurts as we had a lot of chemistry talking before meeting, seems we have the same background and goals in life, we are just a match.

 

I was thinking maybe he thinks I am too old as we're the same age and he doesn't want to rush into having kids or so.

 

I am writing to vent and to hear from you guys some advice on how to get over it and the (apparent) rejection. It kind of hurts because we were a good match and in my age it's hard to become interested in someone. I know we needed more time to get to know each other and I feel bad I could not resist to get in bed with him. Specially because I've decided to not go to bed with anyone I did not have some feelings for since I broke up with my ex last April. So it's been forever, and I was super craving it.

 

Also he did not use protection, how could we be so stupid? Specially that he is in the medical field.

 

Ouch it kind of hurts... I guess I should just shut up and not contact him ever again. I guess he just contacted me to be polite and not feel like a jerk.

 

If he didn't like me, why did he sleep with me? ugh. That's so lame after talking with someone for so long. Or maybe he didn't like me after he slept with me? I'm so confused.

[SpiralOut]

You didn't do anything wrong. It's normal to be nervous on dates when you haven't done that in a while.

 

He sounds like a jerk. A real gentleman would never act that way.

[Cutiepie1976]

Sorry things turned out as they did...

 

I'm a woman, not a guy...and I wasn't there, but here's my take:

 

You had a good connection before meeting. There were things on the actual date itself that made him realize that you weren't GF material for him. If you're up for it, many guys will still sleep with you even if you aren't GF material, and that's just what he did. In the morning, he didn't care how he treated you. There was no relationship potential, so why bother with a charade, especially when it might encourage phone calls and texts from you? His delayed text was probably out of guilt because he feels a little bad about it all.

 

I think telling him you were out drinking with your girlfriends the next night and that you drunk texted him (after you drank heavily on your date with him) was the final nail in the coffin. It may have come across as party girl with a drinking problem who can't grow up, not mature, responsible adult who has her act together and is looking for a stable relationship. Not that it really made a difference at that point.

 

 

A few thoughts:

1. Limit your drinking. Really no more than a glass for the entire night or nothing at all.
   
2. Don't treat your date as a free therapy session, no matter how comfortable you feel with him.
   
3. Look for cues during the date
   
4. Unless sex can be an emotionless activity for you and you're perfectly okay if these turn into ONS, hold off on hauling the guy off. At least wait until you get to know him a little.
   

 

Whether he's a jerk or not is largely irrelevant. Two people invariably contribute to the outcome of a date. You can control you in a situation, not him. Blame him and play the victim or change what you do and thus who you can attract to continue dating you.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I am only able to give you an impression from the limit information here, but I would say that he wanted sex and then was gone. I would not contact him, let him contact you. If he never talks to you again, you obviously have your answer. If he contacts and you two pick up the conversation fine, but next time he is in town, don't have sex and see what his reaction to that situation. Also, this distance doesn't sound like a doable relationship situation. There are lots of men in the world and oddly enough a couple of them are pretty good fellows.

 

It is understandable that you were nervous. Invest time in your hobbies or explore new hobbies if you don't have any. If you become interested in various things, others may connect because of a mutual interest or merely because you are interesting. Smile.....its a Brave New World.