dealing with a mean ex

[nells87]

It's hard for me to even write this cos I feel like such an idiot for putting up with everything I have and I just can't understand why I am finding this so hard.

 

My ex is 32 and I'm 25. We've been together for a year and also were together in 2010 for a year too. This break up almost exactly mirrors the last. The dynamics of our relationship have always been weird. I have self-esteem issues so I cling to the relationship as a way of feeling good about myself and not having to deal with my core issues. My ex has trust issues, intimacy issues and anger problems. He's been hurt a lot in the past so it is impossible for him to trust women and basically accused me of cheating throughout the relationship. There was one time when he stopped talking to me for 3 days as he had convinced himself that I was cheating on him. There was another time when he thought that I had been cheating on him because we had gone from having sex twice a day to only once a day.

 

He also doesn't communicate. If a minor problem arises instead of talking about it there and then he'll insist that he's not bothered until he can no longer control his temper and then he would unleash at me. A couple of months ago it even got physical. We had a huge argument, I was winding him up calling him names and he lunged at me and I fell against a table.

 

Despite the gash I had on my side I still ended up begging him not to leave and apologised for provoking him. I had basically got to a point where I couldn't imagine life without him. We don't live together but since I moved out of my mum's house last year September he had spent virtually every single night here. I started uni last year and found it really hard to make friends so I was socially isolated and he was the only one in my life on a day to day basis.

 

So out relationship basically followed a general pattern. Everything would be good between us, he would be loving and caring and we'd enjoy each other's company, then he'd either convince himself that I was cheating on him or we would have an argument about something, he would leave and I would beg him to stay.

 

As you can see it was a really destructive unhealthy relationship. The stress of the relationship contributed to me to developing depression earlier this year. I was essentially unhappy but yet I loved him and I just couldn't imagine my life without him. When I was with him it made me feel like everything else could be ok and I did really want everything to work out.

 

Fast forward to the break up - just over a month ago he announced via text that he couldn't see us working out and that he needed space to work out his problems. I was totally blindsided by this as just two days before he had sent me a message saying how much he cared about me I'd also seen him that morning and he had shown no signs at all of wanting to break up. I messaged him back saying 'if that's what you want fine but if we're done then this time it's for good.' He came the next day to pick up his stuff and changed his mind again saying that he just needed some space and wouldn't be able to see me as much but he didn't want to break up. I said okay. Gave him his space but after a coupla of weeks it was apparent that I was being strung along. I called him and now he was saying that he just couldn't be in a relationship right now because he's so unhappy with his life. He still wanted to see me but just couldn't do a relationship. I informed him that I wasn't willing to do a friends with benefits thing. I was staying strong but inside I was falling apart.

 

He came to pick up his stuff once again and this time actually stuck to his word to my surprise as at the back of my mind I thought he would change his mind again. He called me that night however to see how I was. We talked and then I messaged him to say that I couldn't do the friends thing as I wouldn't be able to get over him if he was still in my life so it would have no be strict no contact.

 

He didn't reply. Two days later he messaged me saying that he missed me and backtracked completely saying that he didn't want us to break up he just wanted a less serious relationship. I should have told him to p*** off but I didn't. My stupid reasoning is that I would wean myself off him as I had accepted that we shouldn't be together and that I needed to sort my self esteem issues out before I could be with anyone but cutting him out in the past had never worked. I always ended up going back. I thought if I saw him less often I would get over him slowly. How dumb am I?

 

Unsurprisingly enough the next two weeks were totally on his terms. One day he'd call me 3 times, the next day I wouldn't hear from him. I was as hooked as ever. This all came to a head the weekend before last. On the friday I called him forgetting that earlier that day I had withheld my number on my mobile so I could call the tax office without them obtaining my number. He thought it was suspicious that I called him from withheld and accused me of being up to something. I explained the story to him but he clearly didn't believe me. He still ended up coming to my house later that night anyway and left on Saturday morning. He literally fell asleep within 10 minutes of coming over, then we had sex in the morning and he left.

 

On sunday he came round in the evening. While we were in bed watching tv a guy friend of mine rang. My ex basically doesn't believe that I can have platonic male friends despite the fact that one of his closest friends is a woman so he was instantly suspicious and as soon as I got off the phone he started accusing me. I once again defended myself but he didn't believe me. I brought up the fact that I'm starting to feel more like a casual sex partner than a girlfriend despite him saying that he still wanted a relationship. He said that we obviously want two different things so maybe he should leave. At this point I saw red and told him to get the f*** out of my house. As he was leaving he got in my face and said 'you might think you can play me but no one f***ing plays me etc etc. Just ranting at me basically as he was leaving.

 

Later that night I was still really angry but it still really bothered me that he thought I was sleeping with someone else when I haven't as much as looked at another guy since we got together so I sent angry messages calling him this that and the other as well as trying to make him see that I haven't done anything. He replied saying that he knows it wasn't my friend on the phone and he doesn't give a f*** anyway.

 

The next day I fell apart. After everything I can't deal with that being our ending. He'll go off thinking I'm some cheating ho when that couldn't be further from the truth. I sent another message saying that I know we're over but I never betrayed you and I would like us to be able to be civil. He didn't reply. I sent another message on the Wednesday practically begging him to reply to previous message cos I couldn't handle being ignored.

 

Since that Monday I haven't eaten or slept properly. I've gone from not being able to sleep early on in the week to sleeping too much now and feeling tired all the time. I went to the doctor on thursday and he signed me off work for two weeks and has prescribed me anti-depressants as I'm clearly depressed. I suffered from depression a few months ago and have been seeing a counsellor but this is a whole different level. I've also had to apply for essay extensions at university as I'm incapable of getting any assignments done.

 

I caved today and phoned twice and sent a message and still got nothing. I can't deal with him being this mean and cruel. I sit in bed crying my eyes out because the guy that I invested so much in cannot even send me a simple message. he would rather torture me by ignoring me. I don't know how to get over this. I have fully accepted that we're done. I couldn't put myself through this again. I just can't accept or deal with the way he is treating me and I don't know what to do. My begging pleading texts are having no effect accept to further diminish my self-esteem and dignity so I have no choice but to try and move past this but I don't know how.

 

I know I have go to total NC but in my mind that would mean accepting that the last 4 years of my life have been for nothing. That I gave and gave to someone that has so little regard for me that they can't even send me a simple message that would enable me to move on.

 

How do I begin to accept this?

[na49]

You are a bit older and probably had a bit more of a serious relationship than I did, but I think the same concepts apply. The time with him doesn't need to be seen as a "waste" but instead look at it as a chapter in your life. A chapter that is now over and done with, there were plenty of good times but you don't want to think about those now. Cry as much as you need to, I'd imagine it's hard after spending that much time with one person. Your ex not responding to you is better however. You don't want to hear what he has to say because it won't be anything that you want to hear. (that he is over you, doesn't want you back, wants you to leave him alone, etc.) So rather than torture yourself and beg him, give him time and space. Try to cheer yourself up the best way that you can. If you don't contact him for a while, he will contact you again. He may not be telling you what you want to hear, but this isn't the last time you'll hear from him.

[KatZee]

You really don't need him to move on.

 

Don't you see how you're just playing into his hand? He's always, ALWAYS been the one in control of this relationship. And even when there IS NO relationship he still controls you.

 

I can tell you that he's sitting home right now smug, and smirking every single time an incoming call comes from you, or his phone dings with a new text message. He's RELISHING this. Why are you continuing to give him the ammunition to abuse you?

 

You've spent 4 years and want to know that it wasn't a waste, but it WAS. You should have left years ago. You should have left when he kept trying to control and blame you of cheating. You absolutely SHOULD have left when he got physical with you and caused you to have a gash in your head.

 

Yea, you love him... but is this really enough of an excuse to stay with someone so vile, so abusive, so controlling and so manipulative? NO. It's not. The only person you should ever love this much is yourself, and it's clear you don't love yourself, and it's clear you don't have any self-esteem. No confident, self-loving woman would EVER stay with such a person. Someone who knocked them down, disrespected them, hurt them emotionally and physically.

 

You don't need closure from this person. THIS IS YOUR CLOSURE. Knowing you're finally walking away from a toxic, destructive, and evil human being. You don't need him to s.hit on you further, or curse and scream at you, or tell you that you're nothing. Why are you begging for contact with this piece of scum?

 

DELETE his number, STOP begging him for contact. You're being seen as weak, desperate, and pathetic. Especially because he KNOWS how he treats you. HE KNOWS what he's done to you, and he KNOWS you will still chase him down begging for him. Take back your power and start loving yourself. Stop thinking this is what you want, need and deserve from a partner.

[nells87]

Thanks for reading and replying na49 and katzee.

 

A little while after I finished writing the post he sent me a message saying 'leave me alone'. This was after 2 phone calls and two messages. Just to be clear before yesterday I had only sent him 3 messages since the big argument on Sunday. I hadn't phoned him at all.

 

Katzee you're absolutely right. Getting back together with him last year was the height of stupidity. When things were good they would be really good and that was what kept me hanging on. I lived in hope that he would change ad then when I finally realised he wouldn't I still stayed because I couldn't imagine my life without him. I knew I would fall apart.

 

My self-esteem issues run really deep and now he's gone I'm forced to finally address them. It's scary but I know it needs to be done. He's told me to leave him alone and I intend to.

[movingon12]

It wasn't a waste - you will have learnt from it and grown. You'll learn from the break up too and it will make you stronger. Use what you learned to make your next relationship better.

 

Take time to work out what it was that you liked about him, that you want to repeat in a future relationship. There will have been good things - you stayed with him for a long time, so what did he offer you? How will you identify that in a new partner?

 

What didn't you like about him (apart from the obvious)?

 

Work out what you think you did well in the relationship - what can you offer the next guy? What can't you offer? (Personally, my first husband needed a wife like his mum who liked a spotlessly clean house and liked to clean - but I couldn't care less about cleaning, it's not my thing, I like fixing things. This time round I'm with a guy who likes cleaning but hates fixing things. You see what I mean)

 

But you have to go NC. Now.

[moveONorStay]

Without doubt an abusive relationship on many levels and the longer you are involved the more damage will be done mentally.

 

Get out now and don't ever look back. He'll forever play on your feelings if you do.

 

You deserve better and he is out there somewhere.