paloma22 Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 So I met a guy on okcupid about 6 months ago, Dan. The relationships started off tumultuous, about a month in i found out he had slept with his ex, despite his commitment to us being 'exclusive'. A few weeks after this (before I found out about the ex), he asked me to be his girlfriend. I found out by chance about the ex after he lied (then confessed) to me about who was texting him. I found the messages on his phone and he confessed everything. I broke it off with him, but a week later swallowed my pride and decided to give him another chance. He stopped talking to his ex and things were great. He told me he loved me, and we started a long distance relationship in the fall. Long story short, I began to get very jealous of him, and his ex. Their careers, her looks, etc. I found myself falling further and further into this abyss of doubt but no matter what, Dan tried to reassure me and said he was sure this was right. After awhile, I got obsessive. I would go and check her Facebook, check his phone and one time even read emails on his Facebook between them from their past life. He knew all of this and we kept trying to move forward. It got to the point that we fought often, I was extremely emotional, and always needed reassurance from him. Eventually, I think he got tired. On halloween, late at night he got a call from his ex, after not hearing from her for 5 months. He told me right away, but was out and did not want to discuss it. I tried to stay strong and know I could trust him. Two days later, he came back for the weekend and we had an amazing weekend together. He told me he loved me several times, etc etc. My confidence was renewed. That night, he landed in another city for work (the same city she is living in). He calls me and breaks up with me THAT night. Saying he had time to think on the plane and believed it was never going to work with us, we didn't have a future, I'm sorry etc. Totally out of the blue and after the perfect weekend. I was so shocked I hung up and didn't speak to him until 2 weeks later, when I decided to give him his stuff back in person. He told me he only had drinks with her, and I decided after I didn't believe him. He pulled a 'now I'm wondering if this was the right decision' crap but i was strong and said he had made his choice. I think it was BS regardless, because after an amicable chat he took his stuff and said 'take care' and walked out. This hurt. NOW, he's back on OkCupid. Listed as single and looking for short term dating. He's changing his profile every city he is in. SO I am assuming he is not back with his ex... But how can someone have a change of heart and move on so quickly? Does he really just not give a crap about me and had to stoop that low that quickly? How can emotions just turn off like a switch? We went from being in love, to nothing. He is completely out of my life and I truly feel has no desire to even maintain any contact with me. This hurts a lot, especially because I know he 'stays friends with exes'. I know I should want to hate him for it. The thing is, I think I still love him. Can someone please help understand things better, I need to move on, but I'm struggling! I've been having trouble sleeping, having nightmares about it, anxiety, etc. Any advice would be wonderful to help me heal this broken heart.
dasein Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 The understanding of it is not that important. Crappy people do crappy things for a whole host of reasons. He gave you all you needed to know by cheating early in the relationship. What's important is giving less and less of your mental real estate to this guy as opposed to puzzling things out. Good luck moving on.
FitChick Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 I read the title of this thread as "Hung up on his ass." I thought, man, that must be some great looking ass! 7
Imajerk17 Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 LS woman makes horrible choices and then wonders why things turned out so bad. News at 11. 2
SmileFace Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 LS woman makes horrible choices and then wonders why things turned out so bad. News at 11. Hey! I resemble that comment.... Hmmph!
veggirl Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 Sorry OP but you ended up in this situation solely because you forgave him for cheating on you after a friggin month of knowing him! That's jacked up, you need to have more respect for yourself than that. He was OBVIOUSLY not over his ex, and you were always his 2nd choice. Don't date guys who cheat on you, seriously lol. god I can't believe people have to be told that he "moved on" quickly because he was never invested in the first place. you were a placeholder, a comfort and a companion because he couldn't have his ex. 1
Author paloma22 Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 Sorry OP but you ended up in this situation solely because you forgave him for cheating on you after a friggin month of knowing him! That's jacked up, you need to have more respect for yourself than that. He was OBVIOUSLY not over his ex, and you were always his 2nd choice. Don't date guys who cheat on you, seriously lol. god I can't believe people have to be told that he "moved on" quickly because he was never invested in the first place. you were a placeholder, a comfort and a companion because he couldn't have his ex. While I agree that I was maybe always a 'second choice', Im not sure if Im in denial or disagree re: not being invested in it. He put up with a lot of my insecurities and Facebook snooping etc etc. While yes, the initial blame was on him, he could have walked away from it much sooner than he did. I always held the cheating over his head. I never fully forgave or trusted him. Also, we had only started dating and were not bf/gf when this happened. Im not defending his actions at all, but some people say to me "well you only just started dating, and he knew her for 3 years, etc etc". I had never been in this type of scenario and felt like giving him the benefit of the doubt. I guess my lesson is learned. Either way, he did see her after he broke up with me but it appears they are not back together, just back in touch. What I don't understand is how quickly he hopped back on the dating sites. He isn't looking for a relationship, that i know. So is he just looking for rebound sex? Or a few more girls to manipulate/ fill the void?
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 He wasn't really into you from the beginning, he was just in it for the "experience"...you know, how a lot of people just get that high off that sensation and period of infatuation with a new random person that they indulge in and get to experience all those emotions and create this kind of fantasy together. The new touch, the new kiss, the new sex and chemistry and heightened sensation and over the top expressions and commitments with a person you just met but think this "could be the one!"....oolala Well most of the time, the person who is initiating that or has a history of that at some points disconnects and realizes they aren't really invested emotionally and willing to settle down with that person. They know they still have their issues and old flame emotions to work out...but that doesn't mean they don't want the... The new touch, the new kiss, the new sex and chemistry and heightened sensation and over the top expressions and commitments with a person you just met but think maybe this "could be the one!"....oolala You already knew what you were getting yourself into, I don't think you're that surprised as you like to pretend to be, I think you're just disappointed you couldn't work through and reach this potential together. Just because you had an amazing time, doesn't mean he was somewhere else, disconnected emotionally going through the motions while emotionally and mentally somewhere else, that's why this was all a "surprise". That experience left him feeling vulnerable and he had to search his emotions only to realize that his feelings were that strong for you and if he were to continue with this charade then he'd only have to hurt and disappoint you more down the road. So life continues on for him...he detached easily because you didn't mean that much to him, those were just words in the moment and if anything he's still wrapped up in your ex and you were just the rebound girl where he got to experience that feeling of being "in love" but he wasn't actually "in love" with you. Plus some guys can't face the guilt and shame of telling a woman how he really feels so he just says what you want to hear because women are open and very accommodating to the things they want to see and hear and put the things they don't on the backburner. So yeah he'll probably manipulate another girl like you, he'll probably take it slower this time and realize not to get himself in over his head...but he'll definitely manipulate, lead on and string along someone who's fulfilling his needs and desire in the interim. Welcome to world of "love" for the masses...isn't it exciting and romantic! Isn't it awesome that you can experience all these things by manipulating yourself with ideals and fantasies, and "potential" with someone who doesn't even love you or feel the same way...but because they say they do and pretend to "act" like they do (while you ignore the red flags) you can pretend it's going to last forever even though in the end they can just simply walk away and replace you like a stolen credit card? Hell I almost feel like signing up on OKcupid right now and manipulating a few women as we speak! Rest assured, he'll tell the next girl that his ex really hurt him and you him "just didn't work out" ::insert lame self-loathing excuses here::...and say he's damaged, and that he doesn't know if he can love, how to love, or how to be in a relationship again...that he's scared, doesn't want anything serious right now and she'll think...maybe I'll be the exception to the rule because what we have is special, so I'm going to "give this a chance" anyway! So round and round we go...
lovebug1234 Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 you really need to pull it together WOMAN. Have some dignity.
veggirl Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 He's back on the website because he is looking for sex and companionship from a new girl. It's really that simple, he obviously isn't over his ex but he likes having a girl around. People are on their best behavior at the beginning. His "best" was sneaking around with his ex. He is a loser and a user. I can't believe people tried to tell you that "well you are only newly dating.." your friends need some higher standards or better boyfriends if that is the stuff they think is acceptable, how is that beginning the start of a great true love?
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