He broke my heart + already back on OKC ?!

[paloma22]

So I met a guy on okcupid about 6 months ago, Dan. The relationships started off tumultuous, about a month in i found out he had slept with his ex, despite his commitment to us being 'exclusive'. A few weeks after this (before I found out about the ex), he asked me to be his girlfriend.

 

I found out by chance about the ex after he lied (then confessed) to me about who was texting him. I found the messages on his phone and he confessed everything.

 

I broke it off with him, but a week later swallowed my pride and decided to give him another chance. He stopped talking to his ex and things were great.

 

He told me he loved me, and we started a long distance relationship in the fall. Long story short, I began to get very jealous of him, and his ex. Their careers, her looks, etc. I found myself falling further and further into this abyss of doubt but no matter what, Dan tried to reassure me and said he was sure this was right.

 

After awhile, I got obsessive. I would go and check her Facebook, check his phone and one time even read emails on his Facebook between them from their past life. He knew all of this and we kept trying to move forward.

 

It got to the point that we fought often, I was extremely emotional, and always needed reassurance from him. Eventually, I think he got tired.

 

On halloween, late at night he got a call from his ex, after not hearing from her for 5 months. He told me right away, but was out and did not want to discuss it.

 

I tried to stay strong and know I could trust him. Two days later, he came back for the weekend and we had an amazing weekend together. He told me he loved me several times, etc etc. My confidence was renewed.

 

That night, he landed in another city for work (the same city she is living in).

He calls me and breaks up with me THAT night. Saying he had time to think on the plane and believed it was never going to work with us, we didn't have a future, I'm sorry etc.

 

Totally out of the blue and after the perfect weekend.

 

I was so shocked I hung up and didn't speak to him until 2 weeks later, when I decided to give him his stuff back in person. He told me he only had drinks with her, and I decided after I didn't believe him. He pulled a 'now I'm wondering if this was the right decision' crap but i was strong and said he had made his choice. I think it was BS regardless, because after an amicable chat he took his stuff and said 'take care' and walked out. This hurt.

 

NOW, he's back on OkCupid. Listed as single and looking for short term dating. He's changing his profile every city he is in. SO I am assuming he is not back with his ex...

 

But how can someone have a change of heart and move on so quickly? Does he really just not give a crap about me and had to stoop that low that quickly? How can emotions just turn off like a switch?

 

We went from being in love, to nothing. He is completely out of my life and I truly feel has no desire to even maintain any contact with me. This hurts a lot, especially because I know he 'stays friends with exes'. I know I should want to hate him for it. The thing is, I think I still love him.

 

Can someone please help understand things better, I need to move on, but I'm struggling! I've been having trouble sleeping, having nightmares about it, anxiety, etc.

 

Any advice would be wonderful to help me heal this broken heart.

Edited November 26, 2012 by paloma22

[Treasa]

Oh sweetie...I wish saying "He's a dick" would be all it would take to heal you, but it boils down to that. I definitely understand your heartbreak over a guy you shouldn't be heartbroken over, trust me. LOL But still, he's a dick. GOOD FOR YOU for remaining strong and not asking how to get back!!!

 

I have guy feelings about things, and I honestly feel like you're going to be just fine. You're articulate and thoughtful and smart and have a lot going for you. Someday you'll be really glad you didn't settle for this *******.

[Own Worst Enemy]

You sound lovely: open and honest and looking for a proper partner. He is a douche.

 

This won't help right now, but keep saying it to yourself. He will always be a douche!

[paloma22]

Sure he's an ass, but i can't help but blame myself too. Not for the way he ended things, but for the way i acted insecurely. I told myself I would give him another chance, yet could never fully trust him. I took my insecurities out on him and sabotaged the relationship.

 

What I can't get over (I shouldn't have to, but for some reason can't) is why he cut off all contact 'just like that'.

 

I miss him. Know the relationship was toxic but his actions with being back on OKC basically just express to me how little he cares about my very existence. The sad thing is I shouldn't want to even think about his existence...

[KatZee]

Well I'll try to be the mediator of all sides because I can see where it went wrong for both of them. I don't think it's so black and white to be like, "He's a dick." Because I don't think he is.

 

1. Yes. He did cheat. I think he had a lot of unresolved issues with his ex. I think he got into a relationship with you prematurely.

 

I think at this point, you both should have went your separate ways. Dating for 30 days and he's already messing with the ex is a huge red flag.

 

We can't turn back time so there's no point going into more about that but then you guys decided to put it past you and move on.

 

It was at THIS point where OP made the mistakes. Yes, he cheated. HOWEVER, when you decide to stay with someone once they've cheated, that means you must FORGIVE and truly forgive that person. Forgiveness doesn't come with conditions, and OP I think it came with many conditions for you and that's what fueled the next few months of jealousy, paranoia, phone snooping, Facebook stalking... you held it over his head, and you see that you did this.

 

If you EVER find yourself in a situation like this again, GET OUT. This is no way to live and this isn't a relationship you should want to be in, one in which you're always looking over your shoulder trying to find something.

 

I think HE put up with way more than he should have, with your snooping and constant drama. I think he tried to prove to you that he was with YOU and only you but you just couldn't let it go and your actions are eventually which pushed him over the edge.

 

Neither of you are blameless, but just chalk it up to wrong timing and a relationship that's not meant to be.

[Treasa]

I understand what you're saying, but I prefer to stick by my original point that he is a dick.

[KatZee]

I understand what you're saying, but I prefer to stick by my original point that he is a dick.

 

I don't know if you're being funny with this or are serious, but at the end of this it doesn't help the OP at all to just be like, "He's a dick and that's why we aren't together." She needs to own up to what she's done, which I think she has. She needs to accept partial blame with her mistakes. It's a cop out to put all blame on him and act like she's played no part because then how is she going to grow and change her ways if she doesn't acknowledge them?

[paloma22]

I don't know if you're being funny with this or are serious, but at the end of this it doesn't help the OP at all to just be like, "He's a dick and that's why we aren't together." She needs to own up to what she's done, which I think she has. She needs to accept partial blame with her mistakes. It's a cop out to put all blame on him and act like she's played no part because then how is she going to grow and change her ways if she doesn't acknowledge them?

 

Thanks Katzee. I appreciate your 'optimistic' devils advocate view on this dilemma.

 

However, was I always second best ? Was he always going to do this to me cause he was never that emotionally invested?

 

Someone else said I was a placeholder, a companion to fill the void. The second he had the chance to see his ex again (even if they are not back together), he jumped at the chance and broke it off with me.

 

By then, things with us were bad, but still. The timing was all too coincidental.

So if he's not back with his ex (she broke up with him, and perhaps doesn't want to reconcile despite their strange relationship), and he's over me, why is he 'single' and roaming the dating sites?

 

Just trying to get laid or is he trying to get over it himself? Or is he just OVER it period? I know he is not looking for a relationship.

 

Im still confused and know many of these questions will never be answered. Its so hurtful that I feel this relationship ended the way it began (with her!). But maybe thats not the case, and I had a lot to do with it as well with the sabotaging. I remember he would say to me, why can't we just be happy. I never let us just be happy..

Edited November 27, 2012 by paloma22

[paloma22]

[ grow and change her ways if she doesn't acknowledge them?

 

and in future, cheating can't be accepted. I think i am living proof that its VERY tough to move past. I was being optimistic, but now I see the light.