didier19 Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 I'm 19 years old and just started university at the beginning of October. Up until about a month ago I had been with a wonderful, gorgeous, kind and dedicated girlfriend of the same age, and we were very very happy together for nearly 3 years. In july though, I did something absolutely unforgivable and cheated on her with someone that I have no feelings for and visa versa, it was just a totally random thing that I regret more than I can even begin to put into words. To my discredit, I decided not to tell my girlfriend about it, as I didn't want to ruin something so perfect because of something so stupid. However, 2 months later my girlfriend found out and was absolutely devastated. She began to question everything about our relationship and the trust was completely gone. But, we were in love, and she didn't want to leave me so we decided that we would stay together and try and make it work. This was at the beginning of september, before she started at her new school and I went off to university, and I genuinely thought that things were going to be okay. She started before me and became very happy where she was, but her attitude towards me didn't get any better, and if anything it only got worse. Initially we were still constantly together, but then as soon as I went to university she hardly spoke to me and was still absolutely seething, which was totally understandable. I went back to visit her after two weeks at university, when we spent the whole weekend together, but towards the end of it she said she needed some space to try and forget about stuff. We were apart for 2 weeks again before she came to visit me (supposedly with no intention of ending things), but then she proceeded to dump me while she was here. I understood completely why she felt it had to happen; the trust was gone and she felt that she just couldn't act normally around me any longer and she just felt that we needed to be apart for a while while things settled down and she spent some time focussing on herself. BUT, she insisted that only did she still want to be friends and stay in constant contact, but she was also very open to the idea of us starting something up again in the future as what we'd had was truly very very special. At first i dealt with it okay, as I knew that this had happened for a reason and may even help us in the long-run. However, after 3 weeks I went back to visit home and met up with her for coffee, only to find out that she had (pretty much ever since we split) already been seeing another guy. A guy from her new school who had had feelings for her since they'd met and she had been in constant contact with even while we were together. I trust her completely, so don't think anything was going on while were still together, but I can't help but think that she was at least thinking about it. Hearing this though really hit me like a tonne of bricks. She clearly has (and might have had) feelings for this guy, and I'm preparing myself that it could even turn into something serious. I so wasn't expecting it as she still seemed like she was really cut up about our break up and had been acting as though this was the case the whole time up until then. I handled the news awfully, getting very upset with her and have no plunged into a very deep depression about the whole situation. How could she have moved on from me so quickly? Why would she entertain the idea of our possible reconciliation when this was what was to come? Now, she's acting differently towards me, being very dismissive as she moves on without looking back. We're still on contact, but from her end it's blunt and suggests no interest whatsoever in how i'm handling things, something which i always extended to her. I know i have no right to expect her not to move on at all, and I hurt her terribly and she deserves to be happy, but I can't understand how she can just move on with somebody else when what we had was so profound. I can't sleep, I can't eat, all I can do is think about her 24/7. She insists she still wants to talk to me on a daily basis but talks to me like im nothing now. It's literally like she's stopped caring COMPLETELY when she said all this positive stuff about how we would deal with the break up. I understand that she must still be very hurt herself, but why would she say all this stuff only to go back on it all later? I still love her immensely and honestly cannot see myself finding anyone like her ever again, and can only think negatively about my future right now. She's just replaced me and completely disappeared. One minute i'm find, and the next all i want to do is cry and talk to her. The guilt and regret about what i did eats away at me every single second, and all I want to do is be back with her and show her that I can make her happy, but she seems to not even be sparing me a second thought. Are there any positives which I'm missing here? All I can do at the moment is feel like I'm constantly sinking and losing her more and more with each passing second.
KatZee Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 I did something absolutely unforgivable and cheated on her with someone that I have no feelings for. Mistake number one. (obviously) I decided not to tell my girlfriend about it, as I didn't want to ruin something so perfect because of something so stupid. Mistake number two. Not only are you the cheater, you are now the cheater that tried to hide it, instead of being honest and dealing with any consequences. Now she had to find out from someone else. This is WORSE. But, we were in love, and she didn't want to leave me so we decided that we would stay together and try and make it work. Your ex girlfriend's mistake. Which she now realizes. And is why she met someone else. I genuinely thought that things were going to be okay. Your mistake number three, four, five and six. You're both kids yourselves. You're not married. There is nothing tying you guys together. The relationship died the day she found out about you cheating and it was never going to come back. her attitude towards me didn't get any better, and if anything it only got worse... and was still absolutely seething...she needed some space to try and forget about stuff... she proceeded to dump me while she was here. All completely normal and justifiable. Nothing new to see here. How could she have moved on from me so quickly? Why would she entertain the idea of our possible reconciliation when this was what was to come? Dumb question results in dumb answer. You cheated on her. That's how. I'm going to tell you from first hand experience what cheating does to someone. It makes you hate the person that did it. Any love she may have felt for you, even if she was saying she still loved you after the fact was now tainted by your infidelity and that hatred, and that disgust trumps love pretty much 99% of the time. I could barely look my cheater in the face. He disgusted me. I hated him and he saw it in my eyes. The trust was gone, the relationship was a lie. I wanted nothing to do with him but at the same time I loved him. My mistake for staying. To HER nothing you had was "profound" so stop speaking from your point of view. The only thing SHE feels is that she had a guy she loved more than anything, and that guy decided to do the SINGLE most disrespectful thing and cheat, with someone you don't even give a s.hit about on top of that!!! There was NO POINT to what you did. NONE. To HER, the relationship is a complete lie. A joke. She's been made a fool of. She's a joke because people KNEW you cheated and they knew when she didn't. She feels stupid. To HER, you can't possibly love her or feel what you had was so "profound" BECAUSE YOU CHEATED!!! You didn't even give it a second thought. That is NOT love. Everything you feel now, depression, can't eat, can't sleep... this is a result of YOU. NOT HER. From this point forward she's completely justified in doing whatever she wants. Whether it be talk to you, not talk to you, date someone else, go back to you... everything is in HER control. She talks to you like you're nothing? You ARE nothing to her. I can't even tell you the anger that comes as a result of cheating. I can't even imagine what she thinks of you. Wait, I can. Believe me, it's nothing good. It's literally like she's stopped caring COMPLETELY when she said all this positive stuff about how we would deal with the break up. I understand that she must still be very hurt herself, but why would she say all this stuff only to go back on it all later? The mind of a cheatee is a roller coaster of emotions. Maybe when it FIRST happened she felt she could deal with it and get through it. Clearly that's not the case now. The choices, emotions, decisions of a cheatee should never be seen as written in stone because they will change from a day to day basis. It's really not a good place to be because there are no GOOD days being the cheatee. You will have S.HIT days, Godawful days, miserable days, and then sort of OK days. This is NO way to live, and if she found someone who makes her happy and she's able to start fresh with someone new, so be it. You're clearly paying for it, but lesson learned. Cheating really isn't a joke and it's not something that should be done to those you claim to "love immensely." I'm sure if she meant all this much to you, you wouldn't have gone sticking your dick in someone that meant absolutely nothing to you. The fact that you did this, shows a complete lack of character, lack of morals, lack of integrity, and a a complete lack of something within yourself and until you figure out what that is, you will continue to be a cheater. And honestly, how can YOU make her happy when YOU were the one who did the worst thing possible? I'm sure she would have taken a bullet for you... but you were the one holding the gun. It's not possible for her to view you in the same light anymore. It's just not. You also aren't losing her every passing second. You lost her the day she found out you cheated.
Chi townD Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Well, here's what you DON'T want to hear. Dude, you blew it. She checked out of the relationship long before she ended it with you. That's why it may seem that she's moving on easily. Because she already mourned the loss of the relationship long before she actually ended it. You have put your life on hold in hopes that she's coming back. Dude, she isn't coming back. However, I think it's cruel as hell to want to contact you everyday while she's with someone else. How much pain does she want to put you through? So, here's the gut check. You have to start to heal and move on. She may have said to you at one time that there's a possiblity of you two getting back together in the future. But, to be honest, you were her back up plan. If things didn't work out with this new guy, she would still have you. But, it looks like things aren't going to end with them. Time to start going No Contact with her. Time to heal and move on. You screwed up and you screwed up bad. But, now you have to learn from your mistakes and apply what you've learned towards your next relationship. Sorry, it might not be what you wanted to hear. But, I think it's time to move on.
CptSaveAho Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 He's 19.... he's young and gets a free pass... learned from his mistake and regrets it (no need to spike the football) fortunately there are consequences to mistakes and this one is going to hurt... you're going to lose her although you dont want to... you have a long road ahead, figure out how to forgive yourself and move forward
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