LRP Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 I was married for 2 and a half years to the "love of my life." We were together for 5 years in all. The story of how we met is beautiful... he was my waiter at a cafe in Barcelona...I moved from NYC to be with him there...he is from Chile, and at first I understood very little Spanish, and he very little English, but we communicated through our eyes... it was magical...and a bit goofy, I admit. We could both tell we were good people though, and though it's hard to explain now, we were totally in love. I had a bit of a crisis of sorts at the end of two and a half years in Barcelona, we decided to get married and move back to the States. Marriage was a mutually agreed upon thing, it was the only way that he would be able to stay in the states with me. Now, I know that we shouldn't have married "for the papers" as they say, but we got really caught up in it. Almost as soon as arriving in the US our dynamic changed. We had to stay in my Mom's house, though we had the whole basement, it was a big change. The culture shock was one thing, but his behavior changed as well. He began staying up and watching TV on the couch...I would go to bed (inviting him to come with me) but he found reasons to sleep on the couch. I'll cut to the chase. We have been divorced for four years, but I still think about him. I recently broke up with a BF of 2 years because I couldn't stand to just be thinking about my ex anymore and be with this really nice guy (the BF). My ex says that he still wonders if we should be together, and he says he still loves me. Though when we divorced there was enough to divorce about (not sleeping together, his eternally sour mood, and my frustration, I could go on...), I still feel as though I love him. I really know him well and care about him. I don't know if that's enough...and I also don't know if things will really change... he moved back to Chile so we haven't had the chance to do the trial and error reconciliation thing. Back to the BF- so I broke up with him to get this thing with my ex sorted out. All of a sudden, I became incredibly frustrated that I would have to do so much to see if this wack-a-doo relationship would even work out, meanwhile breaking off one that was in general much more nurturing than my relationship with my ex ever was. By so much, I mean that I was going to have to downsize my stuff drastically, quit my job, save a ton of money for the plane ticket to Chile and travel expenses, and throw caution into the wind. The idea was that I would move there and see if it worked out, because we had tried living in the US before and that hadn't gone very well. Anyway, I got really frustrated, because all of that requires a lot of resolve and support and because my ex told me he was going to call more frequently and then didn't call for 2 and a half weeks. Not hearing from him just brought back all the bad memories and I lost trust in him. He had excuses, and told me he was talking about me incessantly during those two weeks, but I broke it off because I suddenly felt that what I was doing was too risky. I'm 35, and that factored in as well. I was scared of losing time in South America. Waiting in the wings, is my BF...who I got back together with after deciding not to go to Chile. He has been faithful emotionally and physically... he is not financially stable (neither of them are) and sometimes I feel that he alternates from being childlike to being insightful and mature. Maybe a little too extremely. I guess I have my questions about him, but overall my question is this: My ex says he's coming back to the U.S. in April because he has to see me...it's been four years and he wants to see if there is anything still between us. He knows about my BF. Should I stay with my BF knowing that if I see my ex in April I might want to be with him? Because it is a ways a way, and because things could change between now and April I haven't told my BF... I really wouldn't know how to handle it if my ex showed up say tomorrow...do I tell my BF if he's here? Do I rock the boat, even if I'm not going to cheat on my BF? Am I just being a chicken when I should really break up with my BF until this thing with my ex is sorted out? I don't want to lose a good BF for nothing (i guess what I'm saying is that I could see how it would be wrong to keep my BF if I was seeing my ex on the side Right NOW and just seeing how things went, but I'm not even sure the ex will actually follow through in April, so how does that change things..if at all?) In a lot of ways my ex and I do not have a "rational" attraction. I really do not know if I would go back to him. All I can say for sure is that I will be really happy to see him in person and I will probably cry. Though the married times were far from perfect we shared a lot together and we've always had a special connection. Please comment and question away! I've felt really isolated with this issue, and I truly appreciate your feedback.
WhatYouWantToHear Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Break up with your boyfriend, or at least tell him the truth. And guess what, a girl who says this: ..at first I understood very little Spanish, and he very little English, but we communicated through our eyes is going to sleep with that guy after being 4 years apart from him. That's not even a question--you two will be physical when you meet again. I'm not saying its wrong, just telling you what you already know will happen. So break up now and don't be a cheater. 1
Chi townD Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Good rule of thumb to remember....There's a reason why our Ex's are our Ex's. Nuff said.
dumPI Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 so you fall in love just by looking in someone else's eyes (because communication was nearly imposible). Then you married for the papers. He dumps you (refusing to sleep together, etc). You got a great guy and are still thinking of that ex. I feel pity for the great guy. And you (at 35) are chasing the one who got away and emotionally cheating
Author LRP Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 so you fall in love just by looking in someone else's eyes (because communication was nearly imposible). Then you married for the papers. He dumps you (refusing to sleep together, etc). You got a great guy and are still thinking of that ex. I feel pity for the great guy. And you (at 35) are chasing the one who got away and emotionally cheating Ok, just to clarify... he didn't dump me. I dumped him. and we did communicate. google translator helped a lot. i now speak spanish fluently. we married bc of pressure for the papers, but we didn't marry for the papers. we were in love. so there was love there, rather than other people who marry solely for the papers. i feel pity for that great guy too. i've tried to make up my mind and it's very difficult and that is why i'm posting this. i kind of wonder why i am still hung up on my ex. i guess it's the guilt, but if you have any other ideas let me know what they are. i still feel guilty about it especially bc i know i don't feel true enough (in a totally comfortable that my ex is an ex way) to my current bf even though i would not cheat on him. i guess in saying that i'm not totally comfortable that my ex is an ex is pretty telling. my issue is that i have to give up on this dude if i am not going to move to chile. and i just don't know if i can do that. if i am giving up on him, than i want to be with my bf. thus far, even tho my bf has been much sweeter than my former husband, i still feel stuck on being there for him. like i brainwashed myself into thinking that he was the only one for me and now i am REALLY having trouble adjusting. even tho it would do me a world of good. i feel driven crazy by this at times. i appreciate your reply, thanks.
Author LRP Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 Break up with your boyfriend, or at least tell him the truth. And guess what, a girl who says this: is going to sleep with that guy after being 4 years apart from him. That's not even a question--you two will be physical when you meet again. I'm not saying its wrong, just telling you what you already know will happen. So break up now and don't be a cheater. I don't want to be a cheater either. so do you think i should break up now even though i don't know if my ex will really come to visit in April? and btw, emotional cheating...well, i feel terrible about this, that is why i am even contemplating breaking up... if i didn't give a crap i would just take advantage of my bf and not post about it. i'm trying to say that my situation is somewhat complicated due to where we live and the expense of visiting each other. if we lived closer i know we would have gotten this sorted long ago. i wonder if other ppl have similar "maybe" relationships that they haven't followed bc of where the other wants to live and so forth, and i wonder if you all think it is emotionally cheating when you may not ever be with the person ever again? he calls me on the phone (not often) and gchats with me sometimes (also not often) but we don't talk to each other romantically. i have told him i am with my bf and he said matter of factly that he had to come visit me...and i do want to see him... i mean i can't bring myself to tell him not to come, bc i do want to see him...as an aside, he has other friends that he will visit, so there's no issue of him staying with me. i can sort of envision the scenario of me finding out that he actually has bought the ticket, i then tell my bf that he is coming...he gets really upset bc it will make him nervous of course, we will break up bc even though i have strong feelings for my bf i hv emotional intimacy feelings for my ex. the physical stuff i could control i think, but like you guys said, even a look for us is like cheating and i know that is the truth...so i wouldn't even want to do that to my bf. i guess, i want to state too that for the first yr with my bf i didn't think abt my ex quite like this... i was content that he was living his life and that mine was going it's own direction also. we still talked about 3x a yr..holidays & birthdays. it was only when talk of marriage and kids surfaced with my bf that i suddenly got weird.
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