Struggling to cope? Perhaps you're "faking" NC & holding yourself back

[Exit]

Sorry this is so long. Just start by reading the first few paragraphs, and if at that point it sounds like this might apply to you, I really think you might gain something if you tough it out and read the whole thing. Up to you. I bet you'd read this if I swore it would bring your ex back. Well sorry, I can't, but I do think I might be able to help some people start moving forward again. Continue at your own risk...

 

I just wrote about this to someone else specifically in their own thread, but I have seen this going on so much lately, that I thought maybe I would address it out in the open.

 

I see a lot of people trying to pass off their behavior as NC when it really isn't. Trying to act like they are committed to moving on and healing when they really aren't. Trying to pull the wool over other people's eyes when they insist they've gone NC but their ex keeps ruining it. I think there is a certain amount of fake-it-til-you-make-it involved in letting go of someone that you don't really want to be letting go of, so I'm not trying to villainize those of you who are guilty of this. We've all tried to act like we're more ready to move on than we really are at some point. I just think some of you don't even realize where you're dropping the ball, so I'm trying to make you aware of why this happening.

 

I guess I'd refer to what I see happening a lot lately as a form of no contact I would call "NC for victims", or "noncommittal NC". This would apply to any of the numerous people who have been here lately to create a thread somewhere along the lines of:

"UGH! I was doing so good, but then my ex sent me this text!"

"Dammit! I was just starting to feel better and then they sent me this on Facebook!"

"My ex asked me some question and then it turned into a huge argument."

etc

Also while in the process of writing this I came to the realization that this could really apply to an extended audience of anyone who is not seeing results from their NC or anyone confused and feeling like they are still not moving forward no matter what they try.

 

That mentality is where the "victim" aspect of this comes in. Every form of modern communication has privacy controls and ways to block people or to hide yourself from their view. I do not feel sympathy for anyone who comes here and says their ex ruined their NC for them. That statement doesn't even make sense. Why would you even bother trying to commit to no contact but leave those methods of communication available to your ex? You could absolutely prevent these attacks and NC resets from happening, but you are choosing to make a victim out of yourself. My only guess would be this is behavior typical of the "I hope NC will bring my ex back" types. That's why you leave the door open, because you hope they might have something good to say. And that's what you need to admit that you're guilty of doing, because that's the biggest way in which you're still holding on and not moving forward. NC is not healing you if you are still waiting to hear from them. NC should be your commitment and affirmation that this is it, it's done, time to find out what else life has in store for me. NC by any other name is not NC. Trying to heal and move on while still tempting fate by allowing them to contact you is just playing tug of war with yourself. You're basically doing "no initiated contact" and all you have to do is scroll down the coping forum to see what kind of results you will get from that. If they contact you, it will hurt you, it will piss you off, and it's not no contact. So this could also be useful information for another type of member we see here, the people who create threads about how dutifully they've been sticking to NC, but they aren't feeling any better yet. If I were a betting man, I would wager these people also are guilty of leaving their lines of communication open, thus in no way shape or form truly being committed to healing and moving forward, and their source of melancholy is the fact that they're subconsciously waiting to be contacted (while outwardly maintaining the appearance that they're doing NC) and haven't been contacted yet. If you commit to NC and prevent the communication in the first place, there is nothing to sit around and wait for, and maybe then your progress would gain momentum again.

 

I'll use the same comparison I just posted in another thread. This behavior is like complaining that a burglar came into your house and stole your most prized possessions. And proclaiming that you deserve none of the blame because you absolutely did not invite this person in! As a matter of fact, you may have even boldly TOLD them to stay out! ...But you did leave your door wide open with all your vulnerable things on display and your porch light on. And you don't want to admit that means you had a helping hand in derailing your own so-called NC. You're not shutting the doors. You're not locking them. You're not protecting yourself. You're getting robbed, and they're taking away all your valuable progress and making you start your count over at zero. But then you come to the forums and act upset about it without taking responsibility for why it happened.

 

If it were not possible to block their phone number, change your own phone number, block them on Facebook, set your Facebook to only allow friends to contact you, delete your Facebook, change your Twitter privacy, etc etc etc, I would cry you all a river and understand that you're helpless to do anything about it. But you're not. All of those things are possible with very small amounts of time and effort. A few mouse clicks. So I can't see past the irony when I see members here playing the ruined NC victim card.

 

Block them. Truly commit to your NC, or don't bother doing it. Even if you lock every door to your home, a determined burglar could still get in. And even if you block every possible road that your ex could use to contact you, they might still find a way to get in touch. If an ex tries to text you and tries to call you and tries to email you, and nothing works, they may just try to come and find you. But maybe then, and only then, is it an indication that they are trying to get in touch with you for something important. And isn't that what you're hoping for anyway? So your theory that you need to leave these doors open just in case they decide that they want you back is dead in the water. If an ex ever had an honest change of heart, finding out that they can't reach you by text wouldn't surprise or deter them, they would understand why you felt you needed to do that. I promise you your ex is not going to decide that they want to spend eternity with you and then when their email gets rejected they say "eh, oh well". If they DID give up that easily, it would only go to show that they didn't really have a good reason to contact you anyway, and they just wanted to get a rise out of you or string you along, and they were immediately turned off when they realized they couldn't get to you anymore. If your ex isn't deterred by being blocked and is going to go to the ends of the earth to get a message across to you, then maybe they finally have something worth saying. But at that point it's their responsibility to figure out how to get the message to you. Basically this unnecessarily long paragraph is trying to say: don't let your hope that they'll come back some day be a reason to leave all your lines of contact open. On the very small chance that your ex ever truly wants to come back because they've realized they foolishly walked away from the love of their life, it won't stop them just because you changed your phone number. They'd find you. And anything short of that type of determination to win you back, you don't want to hear from them anyway, right? Blocking them will only filter out the very types of communication that you don't want interrupting your NC anyway: meaningless questions, holiday greetings, drama stirring, details about their new date, being strung along, etc. It works out perfectly, because the only thing you would ever want to hear from them is that they realize they made a huge mistake, and if that day ever comes, I promise you they will not let a changed phone number and a blocked Facebook stop them. They will absolutely get the message to you. So see? You're free to block them now! Yay! No more excuses not to do it. If nothing else, I'm a hopeless romantic, and I wouldn't doom a bunch of people to missed reconciliation opportunities if I really felt that's what my advice would cause. I'd love for everyone to get to be with who they want to be with. Scratch that, I'd love for everyone to be with who is right for them. There's a very high chance the person who chose to dump you isn't the right one. Anyways my point is I would not suggest blocking your ex if I really felt you were going to miss out on a future change of heart.

 

By no means do you have to do this. But if you don't, I certainly don't think you have any right to get upset if or when they do end up contacting you. If you want to protect the effort you're putting into your NC, that's your job. Not theirs. Don't count on them not to contact you because you've declared that you're doing NC. They don't care. They'll still contact you and not understand why it upsets you. There's proof of that happening to people all over this forum. So it's one or the other. Block them, or accept that if they text you a stupid joke or a holiday greeting that makes you lose all your healing progress and miss them all over again, accept that you allowed it to happen.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or judgmental. I'm sure I struggled with NC at some point. I'm just trying to help a few people empower themselves and realize that if you really want to make sure your NC never gets ruined again, you do have that ability. I'm not trying to sound preachy. I'm not telling you anything that you didn't already know, but I can tell that a few of you don't want to admit that you know it. You know why you're not blocking them and you know why your NC is getting messed up. I'm just trying to get you to admit that you know and that you're not a helpless victim. I know that you know that I know what you know. lol

 

Commit to your plan to move on, people. Anything worth doing is worth doing well. If you've been wondering why NC hasn't made you feel any better, it may be because you were leaving these doors open and hiding it from yourself. You will truly be moving forward when you choose to not contact them AND to prevent them from contacting you. Then there's nothing left to wait for and nothing to do but heal. I'd bet many of you doing "NC" still hope to see a certain someone when you see a text on your phone or open your email inbox. That type of thing will hold you back and chain you in place. Eliminate the possibility and then that toxic hope that sabotages you won't be there any more. You'll know when your phone beeps that it might be anyone in the world but your ex, because you blocked them, or they don't know your new number. Just think if your phone beeps 10 or 20 times a day and every time that happens, some little piece of you secretly hopes it's going to be from a certain phone number. It's no wonder you aren't moving forward if you haven't taken steps to eliminate that kind of hope from taking root.

 

I give you permission to complain that your ex ruined your NC when you've blocked their phone, Facebook, Twitter, email, LinkedIn, YouTube, Instagram, and then they showed up at your house beating on your front door to tell you that they love you and they're a huge idiot and they couldn't figure out how to contact you any other way. At that point you may even be allowed to consider getting back together with them. Until you've done all of those things first, your ex isn't breaking your NC, you are.

 

Happy Holidays.

Edited November 26, 2012 by Exit

[Mandos]

This should be definitely pinned. Very well said.

[bvelvet]

This is an interesting topic for me as I have come to the conclusion that I must move on. I don't worry about her contacting me to be honest (except for the fact she hasn't fully moved out and won't until January since she needs a permanent place). But I don't want to be petty and delete her as a friend from facebook etc. I don't want to hate her I just want to start moving on.

 

Is there a middle ground for me?

 

Right now I am flailing and since we still have a joint phone bill I am looking at all of the messages she is sending her new love interest.

 

It's so crazy to me to think I would have no contact with her in my life... we have some mutual friends etc. How does one completely cut 13 years out of ones life???

[lakerman34]

Exit, I'm glad you brought this up.

 

I've made it a point to go to many threads and try and convince people to COMPLETELY deactivate ALL social networking sites, and to PERMANENTLY DELETE the ex from their lives (i.e. throw away pics, burn gifts, etc).

 

Otherwise, the temptation will always be there and 'sneaking a peek' can really ruin your day. Or week.

 

It has nothing to do with 'strength.' Who cares about your ex? She's your EX aka an EXAMPLE of who NOT to date. Make her a stranger in your life, enjoy single life, and someday, someone who is BETTER will come into your life. Believe that with all your heart, move on, and it will happen for you.

[Treasa]

I'd be pissed as hell if someone stole one of my Christmas decorations from my front lawn (not that I have any out right now) even if I didn't lock them down.

 

I didn't block my ex from contacting me via email, but I did block him from FB. I was pissed at him for emailing me a few days after I decided to go NC, and I didn't feel like I was being a victim. I had every right to be mad at him for trying to string me along.

 

I see what you're trying to do. I really understand. But when you're really hurting, and you can barely make it through the day, something as seemingly easy as blocking someone on FB might feel like trying to climb Mount Everest, you know?

 

In hindsight, while I was annoyed at my ex for contacting me, I'm also glad he did it. It showed me how strong I was, because I didn't give him the satisfaction of a reply. It tested my resolve, and I passed with flying colors.

 

I think the root of becoming permanently healthy is not allowing others to have control of your thoughts or emotions. If you do, your happiness is totally dependent on them. Make your happiness your own responsibility, take control of your own life and your own thoughts and emotions, and then it doesn't matter what your ex does.

 

After I got over this particular ex, I never cried or grieved for more than one single day over any other failed relationship. I would be hurt that day, and then move on and be happy again with myself.

 

To each their own. Unfortunately, even the most well-meaning advice like yours is hard to hear when you're really hurting.