I've lost myself along the way...

[BellaStark]

Hi everyone - I'm new here, and never been in a situation like this before. From what I've read, this seems like a pretty safe place to post thoughts and confusions about this topic, so I'm going out on a limb here that maybe some of you will have some words of wisdom for me...

 

I have been with the same man for 10 years, married for 6 - no kids yet, and for the most part, we have a solid marriage. We've of course had our bumps along the way that leave deep scars, but nothing that would ever automatically tear us apart. The thing is though, ALL the scar tissue up until now is mine. When we had been married only four months I caught him chatting in sex rooms online. We were young, and he was stupid, and it took lots of tears and therapy for us to get past this habit of his (that he continued for some time after I caught him, regardless of how it made me feel) and the fact that he didn't care to give it up even though it hurt me, and I always suspected there was more to know than just chatting, but I never learned the full truth. But what can you do? I made the choice to move on, and find happiness with him again.

 

But, two years ago, when I was only 25, I was diagnosed with a very rare cancer. Going through that has changed me in ways that I never anticipated, and made me feel like a completely different person than I ever expected to be. The trauma of feeling unsure if I would live and die at that age is still with me. Now, the thing is, my husband is such a loving, caring person, but was emotionally useless while I was going through this. He comes from a background where people just don't let emotions show very easily, and the entire time he seemed like he didn't care at all about what was happening. Eventually, when I finally got a clear scan and was cancer-free, he was literally over it the next day. His life just went on, but I went through a bit of depression for a few weeks. One day a year later he actually said to me "I just kept asking myself, when is she finally gonna get over this?" It broke my heart, and it made me feel like my 'loving' husband didn't care what happened to me. He's admitted now that he really left me alone during that time, but aside from already feeling defective for having this ridiculous disease find me anyway, this really destroyed my sense of self. Had I really committed to a man who could seem so unfeeling about me this way?

 

Now, two years later, I am still cancer free, but have contracting an odd "female" problem that doctors have been trying to fix for the last 6 months. This issue makes it very painful for us to have sex. I am a very sexual woman, and our sex life is generally great, but we've only been able to have sex three times since this problem started, and each time it was because I was climbing the walls, but it was painful and uncomfortable. Could I be any more useless? First cancer, now this? I feel like if I was a car I would be a lemon. That on top of a previous eating disorder, my husband needing to chat with other women early in our marriage (I'm not enough for him sexually?) and him just not being phased by my cancer at all...well...confidence isn't exactly high right now.

 

So...three weeks ago I had to go away for work for a weekend, and I met a very sweet man there. He talked and flirted with me, but of course, me being married, I knew there could be nothing behind it...until the last night we were there. He came to my room, and confessed that he had a huge crush on me, and was really sad that I'm married. It was a sweet moment, and I told him of course I can't act on it, but that the feeling was mutual for him too. He gave me a hug, and there was a moment when we ALMOST kissed...but I thought of my husband at the last minute and pulled away.

 

Flash forward three weeks, and I've been texting with this man every day since then, and we skyped tonight for about 2 hours. I don't know what is happening to me - this isn't something that i was looking for, or ever anticipated, or would have ever thought myself capable of...but there is something SO entirely wonderful and liberating about talking to a man who thinks I'm sexy, beautiful, enticing, all the things he tells me I am, and doesn't know anything about my health troubles. It almost feels like a clean slate, and it feels wonderful. I don't love my husband any less, and can't imagine my life without him. But at the same time every time I talk to this other guy, I feel warm and excited, and good about myself for the first time in a long time.

 

I know that I shouldn't talk to this guy anymore before things progress, and we are already at a place that I would HATE to know if my husband did to me. But the idea of giving this guy up makes me feel empty. He makes me feel special in a way that I'm not sure my husband can anymore - by no fault of his own. It's not his fault at all that I've been through what I've been through, but I feel like I've changed so much, and maybe it's possible that he'll never be able to make me feel womanly and beautiful like that ever again. The problem is, the more I talk to this guy, the more I feel emotionally attached to him. He's not some jerk, but genuine and good - but then again, so is my husband.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. This is the most cohesive I've been about this whole situation, so I appreciate any ideas or feedback. Please though, please don't post telling me that I'm awful and a bad person - I do try to do my best, and I am CERTAINLY not using my health as an excuse to hurt the people I love - I just feel like circumstances may have run away from me when I wasn't looking. Does this make any sense? I haven't engaged in anything physical with this man yet, and I don't want to make any serious mistakes...but at the same time I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like a lemon either.

 

Thank you for listening - sorry if this got super long!

[frozensprouts]

it sounds like you are using the other man as a "band aid" to temporally treat your wounds, but that's no long term solution...

 

you've been through a very rough go of things...it's okay to ask for help from a counselor or psychologist...it's okay to not be "tough" right now...is there any kind of support group you could join for people who have gone through major illnesses? It may really help you to talk to others who have bee where you are...

 

I know that being with the other many may temporally make you feel a bit better, but it doesn't sound like you have it in you to ever be happy or guilt free as a "cheater"...if you have an affair ( or continue the one you've started)...you'll just end up feeling like even more of a "lemon"...don't let that happen...

 

It sounds like your husband needs some help here too...he needs to sit down and be made to understand how you feel...he needs to know what you need from him and to learn how to be there for you the way you need him to be...

 

BTW- you are no "lemon"- you are a woman who has been through a really rough time...be gentle with yourself right now:) ( and please, don't cheat...it will just end up making you feel worse and not better)

[cocorico]

Hi everyone - I'm new here, and never been in a situation like this before. From what I've read, this seems like a pretty safe place to post thoughts and confusions about this topic, so I'm going out on a limb here that maybe some of you will have some words of wisdom for me...

 

I have been with the same man for 10 years, married for 6 - no kids yet, and for the most part, we have a solid marriage. We've of course had our bumps along the way that leave deep scars, but nothing that would ever automatically tear us apart. The thing is though, ALL the scar tissue up until now is mine. When we had been married only four months I caught him chatting in sex rooms online. We were young, and he was stupid, and it took lots of tears and therapy for us to get past this habit of his (that he continued for some time after I caught him, regardless of how it made me feel) and the fact that he didn't care to give it up even though it hurt me, and I always suspected there was more to know than just chatting, but I never learned the full truth. But what can you do? I made the choice to move on, and find happiness with him again.

 

But, two years ago, when I was only 25, I was diagnosed with a very rare cancer. Going through that has changed me in ways that I never anticipated, and made me feel like a completely different person than I ever expected to be. The trauma of feeling unsure if I would live and die at that age is still with me. Now, the thing is, my husband is such a loving, caring person, but was emotionally useless while I was going through this. He comes from a background where people just don't let emotions show very easily, and the entire time he seemed like he didn't care at all about what was happening. Eventually, when I finally got a clear scan and was cancer-free, he was literally over it the next day. His life just went on, but I went through a bit of depression for a few weeks. One day a year later he actually said to me "I just kept asking myself, when is she finally gonna get over this?" It broke my heart, and it made me feel like my 'loving' husband didn't care what happened to me. He's admitted now that he really left me alone during that time, but aside from already feeling defective for having this ridiculous disease find me anyway, this really destroyed my sense of self. Had I really committed to a man who could seem so unfeeling about me this way?

 

Now, two years later, I am still cancer free, but have contracting an odd "female" problem that doctors have been trying to fix for the last 6 months. This issue makes it very painful for us to have sex. I am a very sexual woman, and our sex life is generally great, but we've only been able to have sex three times since this problem started, and each time it was because I was climbing the walls, but it was painful and uncomfortable. Could I be any more useless? First cancer, now this? I feel like if I was a car I would be a lemon. That on top of a previous eating disorder, my husband needing to chat with other women early in our marriage (I'm not enough for him sexually?) and him just not being phased by my cancer at all...well...confidence isn't exactly high right now.

 

So...three weeks ago I had to go away for work for a weekend, and I met a very sweet man there. He talked and flirted with me, but of course, me being married, I knew there could be nothing behind it...until the last night we were there. He came to my room, and confessed that he had a huge crush on me, and was really sad that I'm married. It was a sweet moment, and I told him of course I can't act on it, but that the feeling was mutual for him too. He gave me a hug, and there was a moment when we ALMOST kissed...but I thought of my husband at the last minute and pulled away.

 

Flash forward three weeks, and I've been texting with this man every day since then, and we skyped tonight for about 2 hours. I don't know what is happening to me - this isn't something that i was looking for, or ever anticipated, or would have ever thought myself capable of...but there is something SO entirely wonderful and liberating about talking to a man who thinks I'm sexy, beautiful, enticing, all the things he tells me I am, and doesn't know anything about my health troubles. It almost feels like a clean slate, and it feels wonderful. I don't love my husband any less, and can't imagine my life without him. But at the same time every time I talk to this other guy, I feel warm and excited, and good about myself for the first time in a long time.

 

I know that I shouldn't talk to this guy anymore before things progress, and we are already at a place that I would HATE to know if my husband did to me. But the idea of giving this guy up makes me feel empty. He makes me feel special in a way that I'm not sure my husband can anymore - by no fault of his own. It's not his fault at all that I've been through what I've been through, but I feel like I've changed so much, and maybe it's possible that he'll never be able to make me feel womanly and beautiful like that ever again. The problem is, the more I talk to this guy, the more I feel emotionally attached to him. He's not some jerk, but genuine and good - but then again, so is my husband.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. This is the most cohesive I've been about this whole situation, so I appreciate any ideas or feedback. Please though, please don't post telling me that I'm awful and a bad person - I do try to do my best, and I am CERTAINLY not using my health as an excuse to hurt the people I love - I just feel like circumstances may have run away from me when I wasn't looking. Does this make any sense? I haven't engaged in anything physical with this man yet, and I don't want to make any serious mistakes...but at the same time I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like a lemon either.

 

Thank you for listening - sorry if this got super long!

 

Bella, you rave the affirmation you are getting from this guy, that you have been wanting but not getting from your H. Fair enough. The question in my mind is, *can* you get this from your H? It's clearly something you need. If you feel he is capable of giving it, then I'd suggest telling him you really miss and need that, and are finding yourself drawn to others who can provide it for you and that if it can't be met within your M you are at risk of seeking it elsewhere - and ask him to go to MC with you to work out how to resolve that issue within your M.

 

If you feel he can't provide you with the kind of affirmation you need, then you need to admit that the M will on its own never meet your emotional needs fully, and consider what you want to do about that. Are you prepared to remain in an in satisfying M? Would your H be a,enable to opening the M in a way where you could both get some of your needs met elsewhere, while still remaining each other's primary partner? Or would it be better for you to walk away and find someone who is a better fit for what you need emotionally? You need to consider which resonates best with you, and take whatever actions that implies.

 

Meanwhile, put the sweet guy on ice until you know what you want to do. If you keep feeding the R with him, any chances of fixing things in your M get slimmer and you will find the decision about what to do longer term taken out of your hands. Once you know what it is you want and what you need to do, the sweet guy's role (if any) will become clearer to you.

[frozensprouts]

sorry...double post..not sure what happened

[road]

Your WH had EA's chat with women.

 

You are now having revenge EA with the OM.

 

Having a third person in a relationship ment for two always goes bad.

 

What to do?

 

Go NC with your OM. Tell your WH/BH.

 

Then get His Needs Her Needs by Dr Harley, and work on restoring your marriage.

 

Or Get a divorce. Better to always act the right way in the end.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

You and your H have not been communicating.

 

You need to have the "Your needs of him, his needs of you" discussion.

 

Ideally following the the "What do you *think* his needs of you are" and "What does he *think* your needs of him are" discussion.

 

You say you have all the scars. Maybe. You do seem to have an inkling of the danger in your current path. I urge you, do not disengage from your marriage by going further into an emotional affair fog.

 

"a man who thinks I'm sexy, beautiful, enticing, all the things he tells me I am, and doesn't know anything about my health troubles" is a fantasy partner against whom your real H will inevitably be found limited and therefore wanting.

 

OP - it is brave of you to share your state of mind right up to the initial stages of this affair. I hope you can both give the time and effort to your marriage to talk with each other fully and openly. Also, reveal this online relationship and go NC, if you want your marriage to succeed.

Edited November 26, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[BellaStark]

I want to thank you all for your insightful, and correct comments - I know that you are all right in what you say. I need to put a stop to this, and have a long and serious discussion with my husband about the state of things, and that my needs aren't being met from him emotionally. I think the reason I haven't done this is that I often don't start trouble or brings things up unless I have a clear idea i mind of what EXACTLY I want the outcome to be (I try to have productive struggles if that makes sense) and since I've felt like a blind person walking with my hands out in front of me for a while, I haven't felt equipped to have this talk yet. But I need to figure it out now that this unexpected other aspect has come into my life. Thank you all again for your words - It felt so good to tell this story somewhere.

[BetrayedH]

Please DO stop this emotional affair immediately. Your OM will understand. If he doesn't, then he isn't such a great guy after all and cares more about himself than he does you.

 

You owe it to your husband to either fix the marriage or leave it. He doesn't deserve to be in a situation where he stays committed to you and you are getting your needs met elsewhere. The allure of an affair is a powerful one. We all want external validation. And nobody likes conflict with their spouse. But you are an adult with adult responsibilities. Stop this before it gets completely out of hand. Sit your husband down and tell him how dangerously close your marriage is to failure and give him the opportunity to step up. Come completely clean with him about what has happened and that you have ended it and desperately want to salvage your marriage. He will be hurt, to be sure, but I think you will be very surprised at how he then fights to save his marriage. Schedule individual counseling for yourself to show him that you're taking intiative on your part of things. Schedule marriage counseling as well. I think that ultimately you would prefer to have your needs met by your husband and no one else. Get to work on it. Step one is breaking it off with the OM. That means being clear with him about no contact with you for life because what you have done is incredibly disrespectful to your husband and marriage. That part is difficult but can be done. Then do the hard part with your H and watch the improvements start to occur. Anything short of this is unethical, unhealthy and destructive. And you know it.

 

Good luck to you. I think you have a seriously good shot at repairing your marriage. Honesty (sometimes brutal honesty) is what it takes and I think you have managed to make that realization before you went over a cliff.

[waterwoman]

. Now, the thing is, my husband is such a loving, caring person, but was emotionally useless while I was going through this. He comes from a background where people just don't let emotions show very easily, and the entire time he seemed like he didn't care at all about what was happening. Eventually, when I finally got a clear scan and was cancer-free, he was literally over it the next day. His life just went on, but I went through a bit of depression for a few weeks. One day a year later he actually said to me "I just kept asking myself, when is she finally gonna get over this?" It broke my heart, and it made me feel like my 'loving' husband didn't care what happened to me. He's admitted now that he really left me alone during that time, but aside from already feeling defective for having this ridiculous disease find me anyway, this really destroyed my sense of self. Had I really committed to a man who could seem so unfeeling about me this way?

 

Sadly you can't dictate how people react to crises. Did her support you practically? That is the way some people deal with this. There are emoters and there are do-ers and unfortunately some people can't be both. And there are also other factors to take into account - fear being one. The 'C' word tends to strike fear into many people - coupled with the fear of losing the person they love.

 

I wouldn't hold this against him as such - you say his family aren't great with emotional expression, well it isn't that surprising he hasn't learned to be either is it? Give him a chance to mend this about himself. My H is the same - emotionally constipated I call it . Since his affair he has had to try some laxatives - it was that that lead to the problems in our marriage.

 

MC and IC and a lot of patience and love on both sides. And give the OM the bum's rush. He has no place in your life right now.

Edited November 27, 2012 by waterwoman