ThisTypeOfThinking Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Hi everyone, Stumbled across the forums just randomly through google, been reading some threads and decided to come outta the woodworks to post up looking for advice/help Basically, after 3 years of being in a relationship, I was given the "its not working boot". My ex GF "FB" officially changed her status to single a few weeks ago. The problem is, we still live together in a 1 BDRM apartment and are bound by a lease. This certainly doesn't help. Here's our backstory We met in July of 09 via being in the same circle of friends. Almost 1 month passed by before we were hanging out together a lot. I've never had a GF, never been on a date ever before (lived a bit of a sheltered life you could say). After mustering up the courage to ask, we went on our first date and it was pretty successful. Sept 09 we decided to be "exclusive". However, I think there were warning signs (periods of being ignored, then the center of attention, etc) that I didn't pick up on. I was just ecstatic that I felt like I found someone who understood me and shared the same interests and vice versa. Soon, the ignoring came back, followed by her wanting to break it off. We'd talk it out and everything would be fine. This happened a couple times a month. Finally in late november 09, she breaks it off with me citing her not being able to handle having a relationship status (especially on Facebook). This devestated me, but I dealt with it. I gave her the space she wanted. I really wanted to be together... There was just this feeling that she gave me when we were together and things were great. I know she felt the same way, but was dealing with some sort of issue. Time passes, we hang out every now and then, few periods of space, etc. We get back together again officially in February 2010, just after Valentines. It was slightly awkward because I got her something for Valentines, and she didn't know how to handle it really and cited the being broken up thing. Regardless, somehow I feel like that was the turning point of an upward spiral. From Feb '10 til just a few weeks ago, we've been together. We've been living together since July '10. It was a rollercoaster ride, to say the least. We would have fights, we would make up. Up and down, up and down. Sometimes our fights would be miniscule, but it'd escalate because we would say some pretty bad things to each other. However, we always got over it and endured. Money has always been an issue. I don't make a lot of it, neither does she, and sometimes I would start to live outside of my means to try and do things we liked together. Same with her. We always would talk about engagement and marriage and stuff, but I never had the money to buy a proper ring and she definitely wanted one. Then, we'd talk about things that seemed to be an obstacle... Like for instance, if we were to have a reception, my parents won't attend if there is alcohol involved (they're fairly strict Muslims). Somehow, this was a big deal to the Ex if my parents didn't attend, but she definitely would not remotely budge on not having alcohol. Lose lose situation. There were times of insecurity... I remember one night, she said I "smelled like another girl" when I got into bed one night after work (I work til 2am at a med lab) and would freeze me out for a few days. Always talk about how low she viewed herself and how I look attractive and such. To me that was nonsense, she was the most beautiful person in the world to me and I tried to let her know that as much as I could. But if I talked about what we do at work involving any female coworkers, jealousy would strike hard. Eventually I would stop altogether, for fear of anymore conflict. Things just kinda progressively got worse as money became an issue, constant arguing (I'm not tidy enough, etc etc). Seemed like every argument was some sort of flaw about me. I hit a rough patch in school and dropped out of classes due to anxiety, which made her think that I had no future. This has led up to this final breakup. She basically told me that she was moving ahead while I was at a standstill or even regressing in life. I definitely don't feel that is the case. We hardly talk in person except for on the weekends, as my work schedule is the complete opposite as hers (I work 6pm-2:30am). She went to thanksgiving dinner with her family and we had texted back and forth and basically had a "serious" conversation, which led to her telling me about how happy she is being single and that she loves me but is not in love with me. That's made me feel insecure now, despite being broken up, I'm having a hard time dealing with the thought of her going to someone else. She's never given me that vibe and as far as I know, she isn't a cheater. She is usually very honest (sometimes her honesty can be somewhat brutal and hurtful even). I don't want it to end. Despite what seems like a painted picture of negativity, its really hard to describe how much I love her and the incredibly good times we had together. I told her though, I can't be her friend if this is really done for good. I feel like I've poured too much of my heart into it. Even moreso being my first and only love (not hers, however). She said that makes her sad but respects that. Problem is, I can't just seem to stop contact. I might go a day but then she'll text me something and sure enough we're texting back and forth. I feel like I made a mistake in telling her that I'm feeling hurt, slightly betrayed, frustrated, heartbroken. All I was greeted with was "yeah, sorry". I'm not coping well.
LostOne1 Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Hi everyone, Stumbled across the forums just randomly through google, been reading some threads and decided to come outta the woodworks to post up looking for advice/help Basically, after 3 years of being in a relationship, I was given the "its not working boot". My ex GF "FB" officially changed her status to single a few weeks ago. The problem is, we still live together in a 1 BDRM apartment and are bound by a lease. This certainly doesn't help. Here's our backstory We met in July of 09 via being in the same circle of friends. Almost 1 month passed by before we were hanging out together a lot. I've never had a GF, never been on a date ever before (lived a bit of a sheltered life you could say). After mustering up the courage to ask, we went on our first date and it was pretty successful. Sept 09 we decided to be "exclusive". However, I think there were warning signs (periods of being ignored, then the center of attention, etc) that I didn't pick up on. I was just ecstatic that I felt like I found someone who understood me and shared the same interests and vice versa. Soon, the ignoring came back, followed by her wanting to break it off. We'd talk it out and everything would be fine. This happened a couple times a month. Finally in late november 09, she breaks it off with me citing her not being able to handle having a relationship status (especially on Facebook). This devestated me, but I dealt with it. I gave her the space she wanted. I really wanted to be together... There was just this feeling that she gave me when we were together and things were great. I know she felt the same way, but was dealing with some sort of issue. Time passes, we hang out every now and then, few periods of space, etc. We get back together again officially in February 2010, just after Valentines. It was slightly awkward because I got her something for Valentines, and she didn't know how to handle it really and cited the being broken up thing. Regardless, somehow I feel like that was the turning point of an upward spiral. From Feb '10 til just a few weeks ago, we've been together. We've been living together since July '10. It was a rollercoaster ride, to say the least. We would have fights, we would make up. Up and down, up and down. Sometimes our fights would be miniscule, but it'd escalate because we would say some pretty bad things to each other. However, we always got over it and endured. Money has always been an issue. I don't make a lot of it, neither does she, and sometimes I would start to live outside of my means to try and do things we liked together. Same with her. We always would talk about engagement and marriage and stuff, but I never had the money to buy a proper ring and she definitely wanted one. Then, we'd talk about things that seemed to be an obstacle... Like for instance, if we were to have a reception, my parents won't attend if there is alcohol involved (they're fairly strict Muslims). Somehow, this was a big deal to the Ex if my parents didn't attend, but she definitely would not remotely budge on not having alcohol. Lose lose situation. There were times of insecurity... I remember one night, she said I "smelled like another girl" when I got into bed one night after work (I work til 2am at a med lab) and would freeze me out for a few days. Always talk about how low she viewed herself and how I look attractive and such. To me that was nonsense, she was the most beautiful person in the world to me and I tried to let her know that as much as I could. But if I talked about what we do at work involving any female coworkers, jealousy would strike hard. Eventually I would stop altogether, for fear of anymore conflict. Things just kinda progressively got worse as money became an issue, constant arguing (I'm not tidy enough, etc etc). Seemed like every argument was some sort of flaw about me. I hit a rough patch in school and dropped out of classes due to anxiety, which made her think that I had no future. This has led up to this final breakup. She basically told me that she was moving ahead while I was at a standstill or even regressing in life. I definitely don't feel that is the case. We hardly talk in person except for on the weekends, as my work schedule is the complete opposite as hers (I work 6pm-2:30am). She went to thanksgiving dinner with her family and we had texted back and forth and basically had a "serious" conversation, which led to her telling me about how happy she is being single and that she loves me but is not in love with me. That's made me feel insecure now, despite being broken up, I'm having a hard time dealing with the thought of her going to someone else. She's never given me that vibe and as far as I know, she isn't a cheater. She is usually very honest (sometimes her honesty can be somewhat brutal and hurtful even). I don't want it to end. Despite what seems like a painted picture of negativity, its really hard to describe how much I love her and the incredibly good times we had together. I told her though, I can't be her friend if this is really done for good. I feel like I've poured too much of my heart into it. Even moreso being my first and only love (not hers, however). She said that makes her sad but respects that. Problem is, I can't just seem to stop contact. I might go a day but then she'll text me something and sure enough we're texting back and forth. I feel like I made a mistake in telling her that I'm feeling hurt, slightly betrayed, frustrated, heartbroken. All I was greeted with was "yeah, sorry". I'm not coping well. I feel your pain. I went through something some what similar. I'll give you some major advice now... DON'T CONTACT HER. I did with my ex and it made our relationship so bad that we can;t fix it now. When an ex is mad or pushes you away.. don't contact her. She already told you her feelings. And if you leave her alone maybe she will miss you. And who knows maybe she won't... She probably feels sorry for you like my ex did for me. I think it;s hard for them to let us go, but once they do it's easier for them than us. Money in my relationship was a problem for me too. She always got me fancy stuff, but I was a fulltime student and didn't have $ to blow always. I know the stress of school I felt it too with my ex and now I kinda feel it more. Like I have no future or my future is messed up now. My ex told me the same thing.. how she is so happy without me, that she was miserable with me and all my flaws and how I am this bad person. Which to me seems fake, because if I was such a bad person she wouldn't have stuck with me for 3 yrs. Personally I think it;s anger and pain they are feeling and so they want to hurt us back. That's why I regret NOT using NC the day she BU with me. I shoulda just said I agree with you, I need some space too, you can think all you want but I'm gonna move on if you want this BU too. After that block her on FB and everything else. Because I know my ex wouldn't have expected me to do that and it would make her miss me more. I kept chasing her and it just pissed her off more and it brought us closer at times and then further at times especially when our talks got heated with anger. This is your chance to be a better person. I feel it;s the same for me. It's a chance for both of us to GET a AWESOME CAREER, to create a future we want. Women want someone that has a good career and is successful like her. So you need to WORK on YOURSELF now, as do I too. We need to get back on track and feel good about ourselves, love our own seleves, work out, aim for a career and imagine that being sucessful and with a awesome attitude we will do much better. On top of that we will find somneone that will love us better than our ex's did. Take this pain of having to lose your ex as a sign that god or a force or fate has given you a chance to do something different now. I find it hard, because I miss my ex and I felt my future was running alongside hers and planned with hers. Well.. now there is NO HER... so I can sit here and rot and watch her life go well. Or I can do something about it and try to be better than I was with her and create a future for myself. it's hard because there WILL be days you sink back in the hole, but you get yourself back out and tell yourself you DESERVE a good future too. Just because our ex's left us doesn't mean we don't deserve a good future. We made mistakes, they made mistakes, but at the end we both were willing to work it out and our ex's weren't. So let's not blame our ownselves. Don't contact her, if you feel like it. Turn your phone off or let ur battery die and put away your phone in a drawer. Know that you can create a future for yourself and then you'll have LOTS of MONEY and that will not be a problem ever again.
Treasa Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Honestly, she sounds like a pain in the ass nightmare. She's looking for every possible way for this not to work. Not budging on alcohol at a wedding that isn't even planned? That's ridiculous. She sounds super high maintenance. I really have to question why you want someone who isn't into you, places a high value on her FB status, and is worried about very minor things. I really think you could do better.
KathyM Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 I'm sorry. I guess she thought there were too many dealbreakers. Can't afford a ring. Dropped out of college. Your parents refusing to come to the wedding, etc. Next time around, buy a ring, even an inexpensive one, until you can afford something better. And don't move in together until after the marriage. I know it sounds old fashioned, but the most sure fire way to lose a relationship is to move in together without marriage, because all of the little things, little grievances, that come with living together eat away at your relationship, and if there is not a marriage to hold it together, it's just too easy to walk away over something minor, or a combination of minor things. I read an interesting article recently that said that married people are the happiest, followed by single people, followed by co-habitating couples. The long co-habitation with no ring and problems with the wedding is what killed your relationship.
Chi townD Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Things just kinda progressively got worse as money became an issue, constant arguing (I'm not tidy enough, etc etc). Seemed like every argument was some sort of flaw about me. I hit a rough patch in school and dropped out of classes due to anxiety, which made her think that I had no future. This has led up to this final breakup. She basically told me that she was moving ahead while I was at a standstill or even regressing in life. I definitely don't feel that is the case. We hardly talk in person except for on the weekends, as my work schedule is the complete opposite as hers (I work 6pm-2:30am). She went to thanksgiving dinner with her family and we had texted back and forth and basically had a "serious" conversation, which led to her telling me about how happy she is being single and that she loves me but is not in love with me. That's made me feel insecure now, despite being broken up, I'm having a hard time dealing with the thought of her going to someone else. She's never given me that vibe and as far as I know, she isn't a cheater. She is usually very honest (sometimes her honesty can be somewhat brutal and hurtful even). Yeah, well...she's not being completely honest with you. Dude, there's another guy in the picture. I suspect that she was cheating on you. You have to turn off your heart and turn on the brain. Look, one day she got angry because you smelt like another girl. Of course, you probably weren't with another girl but she wanted you to be. Because, if she thought you were then she didn't have to feel so guilty about what she was doing behind your back. She gave you a hard time about dropping out of classes. Telling you that she's moving forward while you were at a stand still. This is her head giving her permission to continue to see this other guy because you're not going anywhere in life. Sort of comparing the two of you out loud. Thus, giving herself permission to continue to see this other guy. And finally, you got the I love you but I'm not in love with you speech. That is text book response from a cheater. Nearly ALL cheaters say this. And it is a major red flag. So, my advice? Get out of the lease. Borrow money from your folks if you have to. Staying with her is going to cause you nothing but pain. There's a chance that one day you come home early and she won't be the only one in the apartment with her. And you can't get mad! Because you two are broken up! Isn't that nice? Get back into school. You say that your financial situation sucks? Well, getting a solid education will fix that problem. Start working on you! Start making positive changes in your life. Don't spend one more red cent on her. The money you would have normally spend on her, use that money to get a gym membership and start working out like crazy. Buy a new wardrobe and get a new hairstyle. Get out and start seeing the world. Start to move forward. Finally, when you do get out of the lease, complete NC. She made a choice to have you out of her life. So, you give her exactly what she wants.
Author ThisTypeOfThinking Posted November 26, 2012 Author Posted November 26, 2012 I'm sorry. I guess she thought there were too many dealbreakers. Can't afford a ring. Dropped out of college. Your parents refusing to come to the wedding, etc. Next time around, buy a ring, even an inexpensive one, until you can afford something better. And don't move in together until after the marriage. I know it sounds old fashioned, but the most sure fire way to lose a relationship is to move in together without marriage, because all of the little things, little grievances, that come with living together eat away at your relationship, and if there is not a marriage to hold it together, it's just too easy to walk away over something minor, or a combination of minor things. I read an interesting article recently that said that married people are the happiest, followed by single people, followed by co-habitating couples. The long co-habitation with no ring and problems with the wedding is what killed your relationship. Well, I didn't drop out of college. Just a quarter. I actually am about to be accepted into my program soon and am signed up for classes this coming quarter. I thought about the ring thing, but her deal was it was going to be "forever" so it should be a good one to begin with. I guess that's understandable. She may very well have accepted what I coulda given her, but I feel like that may be a harbor for resentment? Perhaps my lack of action is at fault. I don't feel like she's ever cheated while we were together. Unless she had an intricate web of lies that I never caught onto. Trust me, I see these "red flags" now but still can't see how it could have happened. However, I do feel like there might have been some emotional cheating, ie feelings for someone else without action. I can't control that I guess.
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