Anthoxy Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 I have been with a girl for around a year. She is amazing and I am extremely happy with her. However, given that both of us are at university (and are "achievers"...we don't go to parties, drink, smoke...great grades and lots of extracurriculars) and are extremely busy (far more her than I) we typically only see each other once a day at night, and our relationship has gone from frequent dates and outings to, unfortunately, routinely watching an episode of a television show on Netflix, briefly talking, and parting ways. Long story short, I really want it to work with her and we work well together, but while I am extremely accommodating, we haven't gone on a date for the entire semester so far (over three months) and I don't like it. People joke about married couples being routine and not going out, but we've only been together for a little over a year and our combined age isn't even 40. What makes matters worse is that this isn't a one semester thing. She still has a year and a half of undergrad to go, and after that is even-harder medical schools for four years. I've addressed the issue briefly with her but she somewhat understandably gets upset (she is taking hard classes, doing research in a lab, doing volunteer work, working at a hospital, and is part of a biology club). She has no siblings, I do not know her parents well enough to mention to them, and I don't know her close friends. Any advice? Thanks in advance.
ErosOcean Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Start going on dates with yourself! And invite her with a quick text like, "(name of movie) this Friday 7 PM". If she responds that she can not go, then you still go either by yourself or with a friend. Keep inviting her to events that you have ALREADY planned to go to. Dinner out (by yourself or with a friend), lunch, movies, concerts, whatever. But MOST importantly, you STILL GO even if she doesn't. She may over time come to make room in her busy schedule. Or she may not. Either way, you have to be okay with it. Don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do and don't talk about wanting to go on dates anymore. Drop the subject of dating all together. Instead go out by yourself and invite her. She is free to join you if she wants. That's it.
lovebug1234 Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Break up and date other people, I was steady for 5 years during college and wished I dated around more.
Cutiepie1976 Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 (edited) Start going on dates with yourself! And invite her with a quick text like, "(name of movie) this Friday 7 PM". If she responds that she can not go, then you still go either by yourself or with a friend. Keep inviting her to events that you have ALREADY planned to go to. Dinner out (by yourself or with a friend), lunch, movies, concerts, whatever. But MOST importantly, you STILL GO even if she doesn't. She may over time come to make room in her busy schedule. Or she may not. Either way, you have to be okay with it. Don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do and don't talk about wanting to go on dates anymore. Drop the subject of dating all together. Instead go out by yourself and invite her. She is free to join you if she wants. That's it. Agreed. This is what I would do since she is busier and has a fuller schedule than you. Also, I'm sorry but you seem a bit inflexible and not terribly attuned to timing. Many students have final papers and exams to prepare for at this point in the year. Would it have been better to have this discussion with her once you were on holiday break, rather than adding to her stress level? You are still spending time regularly with each other. There are many ways to have a date and to make the time you spend together special. A date doesn't always have to entail going out. Why not cook (or buy:p) a special meal, open a nice bottle of wine if you're both legal and so inclined or sparkling cider, light some candles, put on some of her favorite music, and have a nice picnic on your dorm room floor (or outside if weather permits). Play a board game or just talk and connect rather than mindlessly watching another show on Netflix. Slow dance a little after your game is over.The key is to keep things fresh and varied, while working within the constraints of the situation. Going out for the same routine can be just as deadening as staying in and watching Netflix...and even more impersonal. I suspect she enjoys and values your chats. She not just you, needs to put effort into the relationship, but now is not the time to bring that up. When someone is stressed, he or she is looking for support from a partner, not demands and a laundry list of what she needs to do differently. (Not saying you are doing this.) These things tend to go in waves. Sometimes you contribute more, sometimes she will. Over time it ends up being fairly even. Relationships take effort and occasionally hit bumps. If you like someone, you invest in making it work rather than bailing at the first cloud. Over the holidays, once things calm down, have a heart-to-heart about how you might both juggle things in the upcoming semester. Ask her what worked for her this semester, and how she might like things changed. Do not lead with how your needs aren't being met. That puts the other person on the defensive and tends to devolve into an unproductive argument about who's sacrificed more. Good luck! You both sound like great people and are lucky to have found each other. Edited November 26, 2012 by Cutiepie1976
Recommended Posts