akward situation

[dkny27]

I am 34 years old and I have had a bf (32) for about 4 months now, and I couldn't ask for a better one. He is kind, patient, honest, trustworthy, loyal, makes me feel good about myself, lets me be myself and loves me for me. My friends all love him. He's social, outgoing and friendly and also funny. My big issue at the moment is that he doesn't have a job, and also needs a new engine in his car. We have been dating since about March, but he didn't officially ask me to be his gf till July. We live about 1 1/2 hours away from each other, so its a challenge to get together sometimes. He does not use me, ask me for money, or expect me to pay for anything. In fact he gets very upset if I try to pay for anything for him. When we first started dating he was landscaping part time. There are not a lot of jobs in the area he lives in, and its very rural, so no public transportation close to him. He even told me he wasn't in the position to have a gf or even really date when we first started hanging out, because he wanted to get his car fixed and a full-time job, but the more we spent time together it was clear that we both liked each other. I've been trying to stick it out, hoping he could get things together. He lives at his grandmothers house with his brother. His grandfather had gotten ill and was a challenge for his grandmother to take care of if he fell, so the boys moved in to help her, and he passed away, so they are staying there so his grandmother isn't alone. They have the whole basement, which is actually set up like an apartment, so its kind cool. He and his brother were planning on moving out and getting their own place at some point. I'm just really starting to get annoyed though. There are so many temp and seasonal jobs right now that I just don't understand why he isn't working. I realize half the battle is having a working car to get to work, but I'm sure he could make some sort of arrangements with either his grandmother and or brother to be dropped off or picked up. He doesn't seem lazy. He is very clean and organized. When he stays over my house, he always asks if there is anything he can help me with like cleaning, laundry, ect. He has even been helpful by letting me sleep in and taking my 2 small dogs out, which I don't expect him to do because they are my responsibility. I don't want to push the issue or threaten to leave him if he doesn't get a job.

 

I'm not his mother. He is an adult. He is highly intelligent, which makes me think he might have some sort of adult learning disability? I remember him telling me he's very smart, but needs to figure out how to do things in his own way.

 

There is a very busy outlet mall that he could probably even walk to, near his house. I mentioned this to him once, and he said you have to fill out a lot of the applications online, which he said he has a hard time with. I mentioned it in conversation with his brother and he said my bf wouldn't work retail. It kinda made me mad, because at times I have worked 3 jobs and went to college part time so I could make ends meet. I don't know how to even start a conversation with him about this topic, because I know no matter what I say, its most likely going to hurt him somehow, its a touchy subject cause he gets upset because he wants to be able to take me out on dates, and not have me drive all the time so we can see each other. He's everything I could ever want in a bf, except for this problem, so its hard to see myself walking away, but its also making me start to resent him a bit. I go out with my friends, and they all ask where he is, and he refuses to go out most of the time because he doesn't want me to have to pay for him too. Can anyone give me some good advice here? Does anyone have any experience with someone who is super smart, but possibly have some sort of learning disability that prevents them from holding a job?

[Naturalista]

I have been working two jobs for almost 4 yrs to make ends meet. I have a son and so many bills and it gets hard to work like that but I have to. I was in a relationship with someone who didn't have a job when we met but he was leasing a car. Anyway he moved in with me from DC to my state cause the long distance was to much for us. I thought by him moving to a different state and having my help would help him get on his feet. He had standards for what jobs he would take which pissed me off when he didn't even have a college degree or something to back those standards. I even had an interview set up for him at my part time job. When I got home after working both jobs I told him about it and he told me they can't just schedule an interview for 11 am the next day. Who can be prepared for something like that in a few hours. So he didn't go and at that point I lost it. His mom called trying to plead with me about how he had a hard time finding a job but in time God will make a way. I realized then there was no helping him b/c he had no real intentions of working and his mom probably always made excuses for him and was glad he had moved and was somebody else responsibilty now. I began to resent and decided it just had to end. Best thing I could have ever done cause he still doesn't work and was even using my debit card info to pay his cell phone bill and I didn't even know. Found out months after he was gone. Anyway I've experienced a little of what you're going through but your guy seems to be more considerate. I didn't say anything to my ex about finding a job unless he brought it up and we got nowhere. Just me angry and him sent back home. I think your guy is more considerate so try talking to him to find out if he does have a disability and if you could help him in anyway with finding a job. See how he feels about working and what his future plans are. Its still early in your relationship and the earlier you have this convo the better you will feel. You don't want to invest a lot of time in someone and realize it can't work out. If him having a job is a big deal to you then you have to let him know. I have waited for things to change and get better in my relationships and that never works. super long post sorry!

[dkny27]

Thank you for a response Naturalista. I saw a ton of people read my thread, but your the only one who responded. I'm sorry you had to go through that with your ex. My bf does seem a little considerate, not going out with me and my friends so I won't have to pay for him, ect. but we do need to have a conversation about this, cause its really starting to get on my nerves. The way I see it is, there is really no reason he shouldn't have a job, even if its temp holiday hire...unless he has some kind of learning disability. I know he has a anxiety issue that we haven't really discussed and I have been doing a little research online about adult leaning disorders and he has a lot of the signs, so either he is too embarrassed to tell me, or he doesn't know himself. We all know how good guys are for asking for help or going to the doctor. I'm hoping this might be the case because I really don't see him as being lazy sitting at home, he has so many good qualities, but not having a job is def going to be a deal breaker for me. I just hate this waiting for him to get it together. I hope our conversation will be alright this weekend. Thanks again for sharing.