need some light shed on a situation

[spicytango]

If I'm posting in the wrong place just let me know what I can do to ... fix it or something.

Hi all! I've recently decided to ask for other's opinion on this matter since I don't really feel like talking to this stuff with my family or friends. It's embarassing to me..

 

I've been seeing this guy since spring of 2012 so its been a bit.. we have fun together and generally ... its all good. This is my first relationship. Hes 10 yrs older then me, I am young and extremely inexperienced, where he has dated plenty of girls and knows the whole dating game and from what I am starting to see, knows how to play women well it seems...

Anyways, lately I've been noticing that whenever we get together, we hang out, I spend the night.. afterwards when I leave, his texting gets very nonexistent. Usually he'll text me often but its like he blows hot before and afterwards, he goes cold. This past time has been kind of irritating me. I spend the night with him and a day later he asked me how I was doing. I replied simply that I was tired. He asked why. I told him why and he just never texted me back after I replied. It was like he just decided to ignore me. I was thinking maybe it was my fault because I waited so long inbetween texts, cuz I was busy at work this weekend. So I was thinking maybe it was the same for him.. but it doesn't make sense because hes unemployed at the moment. I just find it weird, being that texting is a lazy form of communication and yet, someone can't find the time to text another person back? This has been over the weekend. I haven't texted him back asking him where he is or why he hasn't texted me back.

I've read a couple of blogs on the internet about this case of not texting, and generally the only reasons are: busy, not interested, another girl.

I've been doing reading about all the red flags and if hes not that into you and blah blah blah.. guys that disappear on the weekend are a red flag or so they say. There are so many rules to dating that I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do.

I'm starting to become paranoid that... maybe he's playing me,using me, and possibly seeing someone else. I'm starting to feel that he only wants to see me when he's not getting his sexual needs fulfilled.

There are a couple of other things that confuse me. While I feel like he's possibly using me for sexual reasons, I don't understand why I would be allowed to meet his sister and her family. Or meet his mom and be told that his mom likes me... but does that not mean anything? Or am I just another girl he brings home to his mom...?

He also never officially asked me out or asked to start seeing me. It was like it was just assumed..

Anyways, I don't understand anything about dating. I don't like the games.. I think that if you really like someone, games are not needed. I'm just simple and naive I guess. I just want some help to shed some light on this because I don't know what to do. If more details are needed, just ask.

- spicy

[mammasita]

Tell him you don't like it. That's all you can do. Lay it on the table for him. Put out there what you will accept and what is unacceptable. Don't speculate.

[dasein]

Welcome to the forum. Texting is the cause of so many misunderstandings, if you stick around and read here, you will see lots of them. Many people simply don't like texting, but go along with it for awhile, and then slide off when it becomes tiresome. The "text tether" is a very recent development and many people just don't like the constant obligations and noise it creates.

 

So try to gauge your relationship by how he treats you in person, how he is with you physically, whether you continue to enjoy each other's company, and whether or not he tries to involve you more and more in his broader life. Those are the things that matter, not texts.

[Nightsky]

Spicy how old are you, and how spicy are you? (by that I mean hot!)(and by tha t I mean description of yourself please)

 

He very well could be using you for sex if that's how he's made you feel. Although I've also had to deal with girls who say that crap when they shouldn't...

[maybealone]

I've read a couple of blogs on the internet about this case of not texting, and generally the only reasons are: busy, not interested, another girl.

 

In my opinion, these blogs missed the most obvious, which is that guys generally put in way more effort before sex and/or it becoming a relationship. Also in my opinion, men don't necessarily feel the need to respond to a text that doesn't have a question in it.

 

So try to gauge your relationship by how he treats you in person, how he is with you physically, whether you continue to enjoy each other's company, and whether or not he tries to involve you more and more in his broader life. Those are the things that matter, not texts.

 

I agree with this, and would add to it that you should look at how often he wants to see you. For example, in a relationship that's been going on roughly six months, I would expect to see the guy a few times a week. If we were getting together to go out and have sex once every week or so, that would not be enough for me.

[spicytango]

Welcome to the forum. Texting is the cause of so many misunderstandings, if you stick around and read here, you will see lots of them. Many people simply don't like texting, but go along with it for awhile, and then slide off when it becomes tiresome. The "text tether" is a very recent development and many people just don't like the constant obligations and noise it creates.

 

So try to gauge your relationship by how he treats you in person, how he is with you physically, whether you continue to enjoy each other's company, and whether or not he tries to involve you more and more in his broader life. Those are the things that matter, not texts.

 

That is an interesting POV that I did not think of at all. Interestingly, I thought that maybe he just got sick of being the one to always text me how I was doing or start up a text conversation because I read that if the woman is always the one to text first, she seems needy or nagging.

 

I do like your advice about gauging the relationship through the real life situations. I think we do enjoy our company, but maybe more me then him or thats how I feel. I think some things I do bother him here and there and he mentions them and we sort it out just fine. But I think it bothers him that I don't talk about things that bother me which can be a huge problem. For instance, like the whole texting thing. I never say anything because I hate creating waves.

As much fun as we have together, I feel like he's biding his time, and waiting for a more experienced woman to come along. I always feel like theres something amiss. But I care too much for him now to just let things go. I hate giving up. He tells me things like, he has feelings and he enjoys my company, but recently, I feel that maybe he seems to be getting tired of me.. and I hate playing games. People say you have to make someone chase you...

Edited November 26, 2012 by spicytango
forgot to add some things :)

[veggirl]

Girl, really all you need to know is that if he is into you, you will KNOW. You will NOT wonder.

 

if you are wondering, you should look elsewhere.

 

It is legit that simple. People make it harder, but they are delusional and only end up hurting themselves.

[Nightsky]

Girl, really all you need to know is that if he is into you, you will KNOW. You will NOT wonder.

 

Oh veggirl you're like Oprah/Dr. Phil good. Right to the point and all. Some one needs to get a camera on you and I volunteer

[spicytango]

Spicy how old are you, and how spicy are you? (by that I mean hot!)(and by tha t I mean description of yourself please)

 

He very well could be using you for sex if that's how he's made you feel. Although I've also had to deal with girls who say that crap when they shouldn't...

 

I am in my early twenties and of mixed ethnicity. Dark straight hair, slightly tan. I've been told that by people that I'm pretty.. 5'0 and 105. Skinny.

To me though, I look in the mirror and see average. There are so many pretty girls out there...

 

Yeah, it just kind of feels that I'm being used. Maybe, maybe not. Like I said, I've never been in any relationship with ANYONE so I really don't know how to deal with men. The only man in my life, mentally abused me.

 

So what do you mean by girls saying crap about you? Its so easy for me to get caught up in the mindset of 'every man wants to use me,' so its kind of nice to see a male's POV.

[spicytango]

Girl, really all you need to know is that if he is into you, you will KNOW. You will NOT wonder.

 

if you are wondering, you should look elsewhere.

 

It is legit that simple. People make it harder, but they are delusional and only end up hurting themselves.

 

Sometimes the truth hurts. You make a strong point and I want to just be strong and walk away.. Maybe its a good thing that he hasn't texted me.

[Nightsky]

I am in my early twenties and of mixed ethnicity. Dark straight hair, slightly tan. I've been told that by people that I'm pretty.. 5'0 and 105. Skinny.

To me though, I look in the mirror and see average. There are so many pretty girls out there...

 

Yeah, it just kind of feels that I'm being used. Maybe, maybe not. Like I said, I've never been in any relationship with ANYONE so I really don't know how to deal with men. The only man in my life, mentally abused me.

 

So what do you mean by girls saying crap about you? Its so easy for me to get caught up in the mindset of 'every man wants to use me,' so its kind of nice to see a male's POV.

 

what mix of ethnicities? You sound pretty hot though. I like that you think you're average muahaha.

 

What do you mean the only man in your life mentally abused you? Your father was mean and drunk or something? Were you a virgin before this current guy, or just slept with guys who wern't a serious relationship?

 

By the way being in relationships with lots of men isn't really going to make you better at it so stop double guessing yourself. Just go with what you are feeling and try to look at it logically. Personally I hate txting back and forth but I wouldn't ignore my gf. I'd make an effort to talk with her quickly let her know I care. Though at a certain point a girl can be too needy. It's a balancing act. Also just cause this guy dated many girls doesn't mean he knows what he's doing in bed or in the relationship so don't ascribe him some all knowing power.

 

As for girls claiming you only want sex that can be annoying to a guy cause... yeah he wants sex but he has been dating you for months now. So you should know if he does or doesn't.

 

You have to figure this one out! But damn you do sound hot, not in FL by any chance are you...

[spicytango]

In my opinion, these blogs missed the most obvious, which is that guys generally put in way more effort before sex and/or it becoming a relationship. Also in my opinion, men don't necessarily feel the need to respond to a text that doesn't have a question in it.

 

 

 

I agree with this, and would add to it that you should look at how often he wants to see you. For example, in a relationship that's been going on roughly six months, I would expect to see the guy a few times a week. If we were getting together to go out and have sex once every week or so, that would not be enough for me.

 

Oh I never thought about it that way, and when you mention it, my last texts that I sent him were not questions but statements.

 

But wow, the fact that you brought up how often he wants to see me, kind of made me realize.. that he doesn't make a huge effort to see me, even considering we live an hour away from each other.. that isn't too far is it?

"If we were getting together to go out and have sex once every week or so" That describes how often I see him. Mostly because I have work and classes and I don't like to invite myself over or just assume he's not busy..

[veggirl]

Sometimes the truth hurts. You make a strong point and I want to just be strong and walk away.. Maybe its a good thing that he hasn't texted me.

 

don't worry about it, we've all been there. Just try to be one of the people who actually learns from it. You shouldn't have to invite yourself over and you shouldn't feel worried that you'll interrupt him when he is busy. easier said that done (the first time) but you should really just let it go. Really once you meet a guy who is truly into you, you will see the difference and never settle for this s.hit again. don't jump when he tells you to, you are not at his beck and call.

[Nightsky]

WTF, did you morons tell her he isn't interested?

 

HE IS

 

He is just trying to make sure he doesn't come off as clingy, I do this to girls and it has worked!

 

look dude she's totally into him we can't really screw things up. I just told her what she already thinks.

 

Also please don't get all balsy cause you're on the internet and start calling us morons.

 

Now I hope she turns out to live in FL because this moron would love to get a look

[spicytango]

what mix of ethnicities? You sound pretty hot though. I like that you think you're average muahaha.

 

What do you mean the only man in your life mentally abused you? Your father was mean and drunk or something? Were you a virgin before this current guy, or just slept with guys who wern't a serious relationship?

 

By the way being in relationships with lots of men isn't really going to make you better at it so stop double guessing yourself. Just go with what you are feeling and try to look at it logically. Personally I hate txting back and forth but I wouldn't ignore my gf. I'd make an effort to talk with her quickly let her know I care. Though at a certain point a girl can be too needy. It's a balancing act. Also just cause this guy dated many girls doesn't mean he knows what he's doing in bed or in the relationship so don't ascribe him some all knowing power.

 

As for girls claiming you only want sex that can be annoying to a guy cause... yeah he wants sex but he has been dating you for months now. So you should know if he does or doesn't.

 

You have to figure this one out! But damn you do sound hot, not in FL by any chance are you...

I'm asian/hispanic. I think its pretty common.. and yes I prefer to stick to that average thought because..well, I'm just me! lol

I've had friends that tell me that before they met me, they thought I was a snot based on how I looked. It's kind of sad.

 

Well, my dad was abusive toward my siblings, but I never got much of the physical abuse since I'm the last born and I think my dad started to stop the physical abuse. But the mental abuse continued. So now, I have low self esteem/image and think every problem in everything is because I didn't do my part or help the situation or whatever.

I was a virgin before meeting this guy. I think I was too easy with him. Or slept with him too fast. But I guess I became curious at that point and I also didn't know how to handle men. (I still don't!) No parent ever gave me the sex talk or how a man should treat me blah blah. I'm learning the hard way.

 

See, I totally agree with you. If you care for someone, you won't leave them hanging through texting even... it doesn't take much to text someone back. I can understand if they were sleeping or something but to ignore me for two days now or not text me for two days makes me feel unimportant... as if I'm just another number on the phone list. And I'm afraid that if I try to text him, he'll keep ignoring me like I did something wrong, or read that as me being a needy nagging housewife type or something..

.

I know I should know these things by now but I feel like .. perhaps its me? I am trying to figure it out though... I'm a negative person so I tend to think of everything in the worst light.

 

lol no, I live up north in the cold. MN. Ugh. I wish I lived in FL though. It just snowed and I don't think I'll survive this winter.

[spicytango]

Okay now I'm very confused.

[spicytango]

he is trying to keep you interested, if he replies right after you text him then he is afraid you may take him for granted and he may lose his value, it is how the text game works for guys that are players have had a lot of experience

 

UUUGH! So basically its all a game then right? The whole "relationship" and all? I hate my life.

[Nightsky]

UUUGH! So basically its all a game then right? The whole "relationship" and all? I hate my life.

 

Look spicytango I had two very important questions first what mix of races are you and second do you live in FL.

 

Also yes it is all a game but you're a big game player yourself. I really doubt it was just about sex, but he might be a dick who you don't enjoy dating. I mean this probably is just the way he is. Also you said he doesn't have a job. Thats pretty hard on a man. So if he had a job he might be happier and more talkative or what ever. It's hard for us to answer your questions for you. The best advice I can give you is trust yourself and try to look at things logically. Also even though he has relationship experience and you don't he still might be ****tier at relationships than you.

 

So answer my questions about races, and if you live in FL.

 

Also were you a virgin before this guy cause that would explain a lot too.

[spicytango]

Look spicytango I had two very important questions first what mix of races are you and second do you live in FL.

 

Also yes it is all a game but you're a big game player yourself. I really doubt it was just about sex, but he might be a dick who you don't enjoy dating. I mean this probably is just the way he is. Also you said he doesn't have a job. Thats pretty hard on a man. So if he had a job he might be happier and more talkative or what ever. It's hard for us to answer your questions for you. The best advice I can give you is trust yourself and try to look at things logically. Also even though he has relationship experience and you don't he still might be ****tier at relationships than you.

 

So answer my questions about races, and if you live in FL.

 

Also were you a virgin before this guy cause that would explain a lot too.

No I do not live in FL. Sorry, I don't feel comfortable disclosing my actual races because people tend to judge me based on those things and always tell me its a hot mix. I find it uncomfortable.. I'm just asian/hispanic.

 

yeah I probably am a game player, but I never meant to play games. I care for him and don't want to hurt him.. I agree about the job issue and I'm sure it's definitely a cut to the ego.

And yeah, I was still a virgin at the time I met him...

[veggirl]

ST, you have been seeing him since the spring...it is winter, he has not asked to be your boyfriend yet? Have you guys ever had a talk about that? (ps, don't ever initiate that talk, a guy who wants you will do it himself)

 

anyway, seriously, you need to set some personal boundaries. How did you decide that THIS was the guy you should lose your virginity to, anyway? girl you are not a game player, you are insecure. It's understandable. you are just inexperienced. my advice to you is keep your distance until a man proves you are what he wants. You will know, I promise. when it is right, it just flows. This guy is nothing but an anecdote. forget him.

 

Your best bet is to reflect for a second...what can you learn from this...and then move on. Do not ever chase a guy!!!! A good relationship will a) not take from spring to winter to become "official" and b) not make you feel anxious/insecure.

[Nightsky]

No I do not live in FL. Sorry, I don't feel comfortable disclosing my actual races because people tend to judge me based on those things and always tell me its a hot mix. I find it uncomfortable.. I'm just asian/hispanic.

 

yeah I probably am a game player, but I never meant to play games. I care for him and don't want to hurt him.. I agree about the job issue and I'm sure it's definitely a cut to the ego.

And yeah, I was still a virgin at the time I met him...

 

DAMN WHY GOD, WHY COULDN'T SHE LIVE IN FL she was ripe for the steal. Thats right thats where I was going with the do you live in FL I wanted to steal you away from your bf who dating has become crappy to do.

 

I'm so confused you're uncomfortable disclosing the mix because people always tell you its a hot mix... TELL ME. See to me a hot mix would be like chinese/japanese and like spain/Brazil... cmon tell me the exact recipe I have to know! You sound really hot though. AND YES YOU DO PLAY GAMES I CAN TELL JUST BY TALKING TO YOU ON HERE. I mean most people would say something like I don't want to disclose my mix because its personal, you were like "its just to hot for you to handle." now tell me the mix!!! tell me.

 

OMG this unemployed mystery man got to take your flower. Atleast please tell me he never got to have no condom vaginal sex with you.... atleast tell me that...

 

Look he took your virginity so logic says you have crazy eyes for him. Its hard to tell whats going on just be smart about figuring it out. Trust in yourself and remember what I said about even though you have no experience you might be better at this than him.

 

Also answer all my pervy questions about you

[spicytango]

ST, you have been seeing him since the spring...it is winter, he has not asked to be your boyfriend yet? Have you guys ever had a talk about that? (ps, don't ever initiate that talk, a guy who wants you will do it himself)

 

anyway, seriously, you need to set some personal boundaries. How did you decide that THIS was the guy you should lose your virginity to, anyway? girl you are not a game player, you are insecure. It's understandable. you are just inexperienced. my advice to you is keep your distance until a man proves you are what he wants. You will know, I promise. when it is right, it just flows. This guy is nothing but an anecdote. forget him.

 

Your best bet is to reflect for a second...what can you learn from this...and then move on. Do not ever chase a guy!!!! A good relationship will a) not take from spring to winter to become "official" and b) not make you feel anxious/insecure.

 

Yes I agree. I figured it would eventually come up, but no official asking or 'the talk' as its put. It was all just an assumption thing. And I never really did ask him about it..

I am insecure for sure! Agreed. I just feel like I could have done something better but I know people cannot be changed.. they change only if they want too.

And I was trying to figure out whether or not to text him back after these two days but I guess I won't. Its probably pointless. I guess I was just waiting for something bad or good to happen, like bad being him eventually saying he doesn't care for a relationship, or good being that he finally comes around and wants to have an 'official' relationship.

Oh well. Thats life. thank you though for your advice !

[spicytango]

DAMN WHY GOD, WHY COULDN'T SHE LIVE IN FL she was ripe for the steal. Thats right thats where I was going with the do you live in FL I wanted to steal you away from your bf who dating has become crappy to do.

 

I'm so confused you're uncomfortable disclosing the mix because people always tell you its a hot mix... TELL ME. See to me a hot mix would be like chinese/japanese and like spain/Brazil... cmon tell me the exact recipe I have to know! You sound really hot though. AND YES YOU DO PLAY GAMES I CAN TELL JUST BY TALKING TO YOU ON HERE. I mean most people would say something like I don't want to disclose my mix because its personal, you were like "its just to hot for you to handle." now tell me the mix!!! tell me.

 

OMG this unemployed mystery man got to take your flower. Atleast please tell me he never got to have no condom vaginal sex with you.... atleast tell me that...

 

Look he took your virginity so logic says you have crazy eyes for him. Its hard to tell whats going on just be smart about figuring it out. Trust in yourself and remember what I said about even though you have no experience you might be better at this than him.

 

Also answer all my pervy questions about you

 

Nightsky, you are crazy. lol My race is not important. And pervy questions will be avoided.

yeah i do got the crazy eyes for him but obviously i'm only another tally mark on the board. maybe he's finally decided I'm not the right girl for him and just decided to cut me off. It just sucks because I want to ask him why because I am insecure - I always need some stupid closure... in any case, I think him and I both are coming from different angles. Hes coming from an already been there done that, likely cynical view on women, and I'm coming from a starry-eyed hopeless romantic angle.

Thank you though for all your advice though

[Nightsky]

Nightsky, you are crazy. lol My race is not important. And pervy questions will be avoided.

yeah i do got the crazy eyes for him but obviously i'm only another tally mark on the board. maybe he's finally decided I'm not the right girl for him and just decided to cut me off. It just sucks because I want to ask him why because I am insecure - I always need some stupid closure... in any case, I think him and I both are coming from different angles. Hes coming from an already been there done that, likely cynical view on women, and I'm coming from a starry-eyed hopeless romantic angle.

Thank you though for all your advice though

 

See look at that you spot how crazy I am like a pro and refuse to put up with my perverted advance. I'm older and more experienced than you by the way.

 

Now tell me your racial make up! This white man needs to know.