Maybe I am reading too much into things...

[Wonderlandless]

My guy lives in Boston (I live in Kentucky, just moved back here from Chicago) and he travels A LOT for work. So much so that he often only has a week's notice before he has to go somewhere. Needless to say, his life is hectic as can be.

 

That isn't the problem, though. Monday he returned from Austin and was messaging me, texting me, etc. Tuesday he got really sick, his cat was ran over and one of his friends died all within a few hours of each other. Ever since he seems very withdrawn. 95% of the time he is messaging/texting me, but the past few days I have had to initiate contact. We still talk for hours either by IM or video chat, but he just seems so meh (pretty much ever since we met we either chat off and on all day or talk for hours at night). When I voiced my concern on Friday he told me "I don't know why you are doubting how I feel about you, I am very happy and comfortable."

 

I am planning on moving to Boston in either March or April (probably close to the end of April), and he still seems very excited. On Wednesday he was very sick and depressed but kept insisting we talk online because he wanted to see me so badly. We started talking about Boston and he mentioned that if I moved into his place it might be kind of cramped since his room is so small, but I can rent out one of the other rooms and he'd really like that. I said I think for the first few months I live in Boston I am going to live apart from him, but close.

 

I'm coming to see him in about three weeks. I was going to only stay for a few days but he said he really wants me to stay for a week. He has to go out to LA to work during the NYE week, and originally he wanted me to come with him but then decided Boston would be better so that he can spend more personal time with me. I said I would try to do both, then joked that I had to be his NYE kiss he said with an offhand "We'll see." He will be in Cleveland for an extra day off work this Friday and I said I could drive up to see him since its only 5 hours, but he said he felt like that was a waste of time and money since he will still kind of be working and he'd rather I save my money to see him for longer than half a day.

 

The thing is, he has always been a realist, and reminds me to not plan too far ahead, because things can change (he especially noted that after this week). Sometimes he's even said "Who knows if we will be together in the New Year/Spring/etc". He said that on Friday and I told him it really hurts my feelings when he says stuff like that, and he says he is not trying to insinuate anything, that he has no plans of going anywhere but he is just very mindful of the fact things can change, and quickly.

 

The reassuring signs from this weekend are he will still tell me how much he misses me without being prompted (including right after his cat and friend died. He said he wanted me to be there so badly, but he knew I couldn't and he didn't even want to think about it) or say things like "This is exactly why you're my girl!" or when he joked "I'm crazy for Wii Bowling! Almost as crazy as I am for you, so its a tough call who will win out." and he still is willing to chat for hours either by IM or skype/phone but he seems so down. Also, as soon as he sees my IM he responds immediately and always returns my texts in a timely manner.

 

Like I said, I know a lot of stuff fell on his shoulders, and he even pushed his work travel to Cleveland to tomorrow (he was going to leave Friday but was too depressed) and I want to help him, but his sudden withdrawl has me not thinking straight at all. I see all bad signs, hell, I'm even reading those stupid online "why your man is pulling away and how to get him back" (which I know is 99% baaaad advice ) and to be honest, this has been a pretty messed up year for me in both love and life, so I think I am a little over sensitive to everything right now, but I am trying to remain as light and casual as possible.

 

So, what do you guys think? Today is his big sports watching day, so I am not going to initiate contact. I could just use some direction/advice/outside thoughts.

Edited November 25, 2012 by Wonderlandless

[aussietigerwolf]

Just take a big breath and relax. It sounds like he's nuts about you

[Wonderlandless]

Just take a big breath and relax. It sounds like he's nuts about you

 

I hope so. I'm prone to anxiety (something he is well aware of) but I have been in therapy for it, so someday it is a struggle, but he's been supportive. Now I just wish I could help him somehow.

 

I also think we are coming to the end of the 'honeymoon' phase as well. The transition is something I haven't experienced for... uh, two years now. I guess I forgot what it was like.

[Wonderlandless]

Oh, another detail that has been bothering me: he doesn't say 'I love you' first since the night all that bad stuff went down. He will say it after I do, or if we are talking via IM he will usually respond with a "<3". Should I just stop saying it to him? Is it a bad sign?

[Mrlonelyone]

Question is does he know you love him? If he does then there is no reason to keep on saying it.

[Wonderlandless]

Question is does he know you love him? If he does then there is no reason to keep on saying it.

 

I... assume he knows. I make it pretty clear, and he did tell me when we kind of argued that he doesn't know why I doubt his love since he is 'happy and comfortable'. So you think he's just at the point where he is comfortable in the relationship that he doesn't have to say "I miss you!" and "I love you!" all the time, then?

[PepperPotts]

I have several thoughts on this.

 

1. Your boyfriend is having a really, really rough time right now. If you stop and think about it, if you were having this bad of a time you'd be incredibly frustrated if you had to deal with his insecurities on top of it. You are making life harder for him by questioning his affection when he doesn't have the strength to tend to your needs and his.

 

2. I've recommended this several times here, but seriously, read Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. It's eyeopening.

 

3. My boyfriend used to say things like "let's not plan too far away" to me too. It didn't mean he was questioning us (but boy did it feel like it then), he was just trying to deal with stress and trying to compartmentalize everything. Future plans? Let's not plan for those. Anything could happen right now. Let me deal with the things I have to deal with *right now.* If your boyfriend was trying to plan for New Year's he might have included calling his friend to say Happy New Years and petting his cat. Now none of that is going to happen.

 

Anyway, I don't mean any of this to sound harsh. I've just been through it, and I know how it goes. You have to be able to trust your boyfriend, and that means trusting that he loves you when he doesn't have it in him to show it. If you can't, if he has to be able to be 100% perky all the time when you're around, you're in for some trouble. You have to be willing to accept what he can give you and trust that he feels the same.

 

Step back and look at this logically. If it's easier, flip it. Your friend dies, you get the flu, and your pet dies. All of these things happen in one day. Do you continue texting your boyfriend cute things and telling him how much you love him with the exact same frequency and tone? If not, does that mean you don't love him anymore? Or does it mean you have a massive headache and feel like you might vomit and that's outweighing your ability to emotionally connect to your partner?

 

TL;DR-- Read Men are from Mars, relax, and focus on supporting your man right now. He hasn't given you any reason to doubt his love, and he's the one who needs extra love and support from YOU right now. Ask not what your grieving/stressed/sick/depressed boyfriend can do for you...

[Wonderlandless]

Thank you Pepper (btw your user name is AMAZING). I have been pretty unfair to him, I see that now. Today marks a week since all that stuff went down and he's still coming to me first to message me, leaving texts like "how your day is going well" when I'm not around, telling me to make sure I save enough money to come see him when I said I want to buy a flute again.

 

Honestly, I am projecting my insecurities onto him and I wish I could stop... I try to remain as light and casual a possible when I am feeling freaked out, because I know he probably feels like crap that I am questioning him.

 

See, I moved back to Kentucky because I am saving up to move to Boston but I originally moved to Chicago to escape a bad family situation here in Kentucky. Sadly I had to move back home with my Grandmother and Dad (who I was trying to escape from) and it has really put me on edge and bringing out my anxieties. I have the option to live with a friend, but I figure for the amount I am spending in rent and gas at my friend's place, I could save up and move faster (something my guy also wants). I also just lost my best friend after realizing she was never my friend, but merely someone who got close to me in order to use me for her own gain (that is another story in itself). On top of that, since July of last year I've had pretty ****ty luck with guys suddenly deciding around the 2-3 month mark they a done with me and running off. My guy and I have passed that mark and I am still kind of feeling like any minute he's going to pull the rug out.

 

I spent much of the day going back and rereading our old convos and noticed he didn't always say "I love you" first. Sometimes he'd end our night with a '<3' sign, or say I love you after me. Of course I don't ever want him to feel like he can't be human around me. I want him through all of his ranges and emotions. I bought him a book I know he would love (he loves vintage maps, so I found a 1920 street guide of Boston for him) to cheer him up.

 

Much like your boyfriend, mine doesn't like to make plans because he can only deal with things on a very short-term basis due to his job. Thanks for the nice words, they weren't too harsh, they were very helpful (I've also confided in a friend who is an absolute wizard at this stuff and has always been dead on at figuring out what is going on in relationships and even he says I need to chill).

 

Any ideas on how I can stop myself from freaking out so much?

[PepperPotts]

I am a KY girl myself and recognize anime when I see it, so you are also pretty awesome

 

Ideas ideas ideas... No. Time. That's it.

 

To be honest, this is the situation we were in right before he left. I was freaking out because he wasn't showing any emotion about the whole thing. I'd express concern, he'd say "whatever happens happens." He was scared (he'd been in a bad LDR before) and also wasn't processing things. Once he had to, he told me how he really felt and everything was fine.

 

I don't see that kind of catharsis happening here because you're already separated.

 

But.

 

You can pretend it did. The only thing I know to tell you is to repeat to yourself any time you start stressing out "I love X and he loves me, and we wouldn't be doing this if we didn't want it to last forever." I spent months doing that. Trusting that you're loved is hard, but you have to let everything else go and repeat it until you believe it. He loves you, he loves you, he loves you. You also have to stop overanalyzing everything. Sometimes saying "I love you" second is just saying it second. It doesn't mean it wasn't on his mind.

 

Deep breaths! It's just a process. I have been there, so I know what you're going through. You are on the sucky end of the stick right now. Give it some time and trust him. Once you can accept that he loves you and isn't going anywhere and once you stop reading things into his words (or lack thereof) that aren't actually there, you will feel better!!

[Wonderlandless]

Ah nice! What part of Kentucky are you from?

 

I wonder if he's scared... well, probably all messed up from last week, and he just got into Cleveland (still, he always made time to talk to me when he was on his trips). I dunno, still kind of weirded out that he suddenly stopped with the 'i love you' and substituting for calling me 'baby', 'sweetie' and '<3'. I've honestly not yet bought my ticket to Boston for this month.

 

Yeah, I've had one bad LDR back in 2009, and he's had two of them since 2004(ish). He said he internalizes a lot, especially when under great stress. I sent him a message earlier telling him I missed him and that I was looking forward to talking (I was out with friends all evening). He saw it but didn't respond. I dunno, I just can't shake the feeling something is off, even though he said he's never been the type to say "well, I'm done with her!" out of the blue (the girl has usually either lead him on or not treated him nicely). I dunno.

[Vallez]

I don't know what to say, just that I'm in the same situation, but its completely different because me and him are not bf and gf.

I'm fresh into these longdistance things. All I can see thats is so akward and confusing and that at some points I start to freak out and loose my mind, I'm also thinking that I am overreacting, but I think my fears come out for a reason he probably isn't that into me.

Pepper really gave you great tips. Since I'm completely unxperienced I have no clues how this things go. But as a 3rd person I can notice that you might searching for a reasons that could justfy your fears.

Try to sit down, and think deeply if this is what you really want, I mean if he is the guy you really want for your. Be honest to yourself, you'll know the answer, write it down on a piece of paper. And when you know what you want for 100% I think you would be fine and you'll know what to do with your men