nothingleft Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 Been just over a month, and about 2 or 3 weeks since I just cut him off (which is pointless, he wasn't trying to get in touch anyway- had been goading him into a response and finally got an awful one, finishing "take something positive from this. Learn from it. Goodbye.") WHAT positive? The only man I ever loved just did a total turnaround and ceased loving me over the course of a few days??? The only thing I can possibly learn is that either all men really are as **** as I suspected, even when they seem so different, or that I am so despicable that I managed while trying my best to drive him away. The Goodbye was a clear cut, and we'll never speak again. Every day I pray he'll change his mind, or suddenly miss me, try to get in touch. When he sent my things back he didn't send my letters, does that mean he'd already got rid of them? Or has he kept them and there's still the slightest, tiny thing still there? I know I blocked him, I expect he'll have done what I did and deleted all messages, as it was too painful to see the slip (free-fall) from the excited beginning and loving middle to the sudden bitter, hateful end. There are always ways to get back in contact. No number? The phonebook. Blocked facebook? Make a new profile. All else failed? Write a letter. And I just sit here pathetically, every time the phone rings at an odd time I hope it's him. It never is, and it never will be. I just can't get my head around this. I don't want to, I didn't think I would ever have to, I thought I had Found Him at last. Some days are slightly better than others, but only the days when I am blindly optimistic/deluded that he'll come back to me. Most days are crushing misery. Today is particularly bad. I think I must have dreamt of him, I just woke up feeling awful. I read the things on here complaining about exes getting in touch, usually just when you're moving on. I want that to happen to me! I want to trick the universe, pretend I'm on my way so that he's urged to throw a welcome spanner in the works. Some of them give me hope- they got back in touch after a few months, they got in touch over a holiday or birthday (all coming up fast, he's just before Christmas, I'm New Years) Perhaps he'll remember the plans we had for his birthday and mine, and decide he actually does want that. Some of them are from Dumpers who think they made a mistake, I hang my whole life on those, if it can happen then perhaps it will for me. I never sleep or eat, I'm suddenly under 8 stone for the first time in.... actually I think last time I weighed that little I was too young to really know about scales... The only energy I live off is nerves or anger. How can some other person do this to me? I truly wish I were dead. I never thought I would Not Be Able To Live Without someone, but I'm already not living. I read my tarot cards, even though I know it's bollocks. Hell I nearly cast a spell (until I saw you had to pay for it... my believing in crap is apparently outweighed by my Scottish nature, or the logic that it is clearly a scam aimed at weak and desperate people- which is reprehensible, disgusting) ((though if I actually had any money, I am that desperate- better than nothing, perhaps the universe will help me out)) I've always been prone to depression, but this is so catastrophic- I am truly not in my right mind. Because it's NHS, they won't help me. I am sensitive to medication and in the past have suffered liver damage, fainting and bouts of psychosis as reactions to the wrong pills. Instead of trying to find the right ones, I am just off everything. Instead of offering me any treatment, they do nothing. I am at the doctors, BEGGING for help, telling them I want to die, visibly deteriorating before their eyes and they do nothing. My friends are tired of it, or busy with their own lives and rarely speak to me. I cry all the time, or I'm irritable and aggressive, I'm getting paranoid about the doctors and don't want to see them, I make scenarios in my head about When I See Him Again that I know will never happen. The lack of sleep I think is messing with my head, and when I'm up alone all night chain smoking and wishing i could have a bottle of whiskey my daydreams become overpowering. I see things in the corner of my eye, I talk to myself, I read my cards over and over- feeling suicidal when they come out wrong and going on to live another day when they come out hopeful. The only place I can talk to anyone is here. And the only person I want to talk to, who could help me through this is the one that caused it all. He has to get in touch, he has to want me back, otherwise I just can't live. And I can't stop thinking about him. I can get rid of his letters and things that remind me of him, I can change the clothes he liked and cut off all my hair, and avoid films and music- but I can't avoid myself. We were so similar that things I find myself saying or thinking instantly remind me of him. Happiness reminds me of him. And unhappiness, he caused. Even stupid things, like the smoking reminds me of every time we shared a cigarette. Sun reminds me of our summer together, rain reminds me of our storms. And I see no way out.
lovejoy41 Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 (edited) I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know what I felt like after 1month and it wasn't a good feeling at all. Look, you have to realize that this man was not able to give you the things that you deserved. You said it "he wasn't keeping in touch", so cutting him off didn't matter. I felt the same about my ex. He only texted when it was convenient for him, no calls, god forbid if I called him IF he even answered, and he replied to my texts when he was ready IF he even replied at all. So I cut my guy off too after 3 out of 5 years of that mess! So, stop thinking that you ran him away and please stop acting as if he was a god. Nothing that you or I did differently would've changed these men. He does not determine who you are. I know it hurts like hell, trust me I do but you have got to take the first step towards healing & that step is wanting to heal. You can't stop living because of this man. He has moved on with his life & you have to do the same. Like I said in my reply to you on my post, cry it out, hit something, get it out. Once you do that, repeat the same thing. Any breakup will hurt sweetie but it won't kill you. Pick yourself up and cry if you need to but start pushing yourself to healing and moving on. I said it, time is a healer. It's gonna take time first. And you take all of the time you need. Don't let anyone tell you how fast to heal and how fast to get over it. You do that at your own pace, just make sure that you do it though. We are all different and heal differently. Time doesn't matter, but the healing itself does. As time passes, it will get better BUT only if you want it to. Staying in the state that you are in is only gonna make things worse. It is going to eat away at your mental state,destroy you physically(weight loss, sick from stress&depression) & you know what? He still will have moved on. None of that will bring him back. You ended it because it was not working for you, it wasn't what made you happy right? So don't regret that. As for him contacting you, be careful what you wish for. I have read many stories about people trying to get on with their lives and exes constantly contacting them and they were not good endings. Matter of fact, I've read quite a few of those stories on here. Usually they will go back to the ex after they contact them, only for the ex to pull the same thing which made them leave to begin with. They feel betrayed and stupid for going back. OR some of these exes stalk, or constantly continue trying and even when you're over them or darn near over them it stalls the healing process or is just damn annoying! I know my ex is just annoying and dumb! He told me many times he wasn't ready for a relationship. He knew that I wanted one, sooooo why in the heck is he still reaching out knowing that he has no intentions of being with me in a relationship? I suppose for his ego. Just so that he has control. You see when you dump someone like him, he feels out of control. So what better way to get that control back than by contacting me and me being stupid enough to respond & him walking all over me again? I think not! So, don't you do that either. You broke it off and he's went on, so good for you! You can get on with your life. He knows that you're hurting for him and if you're begging him back after dumping him, he wont take you serious about anything even if you got back together. You're putting yourself in a position to become his doormat or an option by dumping him and then begging him back. Take your power back. If by any chance he should want you back, the motivation for him to come back would be in your strength. The fact that you respect yourself & that you won't put up with any mess is what would be the impetus in him coming back. Not a desperate sobbing woman. I don't care what they say, men don't respect those kind of women. Use them yes, but respect them no. Don't do that. Show him that you mean what you say and that you deserve respect and have boundaries. I can't tell you how to heal and move on because it has to start with you. However, if you feel like your life is ending and you just can't live without this man you may want to seek therapy to help you through the breakup. Give it time. I'm praying for you. Don't give up on men. All men are not the same. Take this time to work on you. Do things you enjoy. Things you enjoyed doing before he became your boyfriend. He wasn't always in your life. You had a life before him didn't you? You can have a life without him as well. I hope I haven't been to harsh on this post. It's just that I know what you're going through because I've been through it, still getting through it, and I had no one to help me through it but GOD. So if I can say anything to help someone else through something like this, I damn sure will try. Hang in there. You are loved, you are special, and you deserve the best. Remember that okay? Edited November 25, 2012 by lovejoy41 2
Author nothingleft Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 He dumped me, I had no clue it was coming- sorry I don't think I made it clear what happened, my thoughts are all jumbled. Thing is, I have never been happy until I met him. Even as a small child. I was only barely coping when I met him, and the first week I did I was euphoric, and didn't know why. In spite of misgivings, and general mistrust of men, and telling myself I didn't want a relationship and I wouldn't take things further, I was just so happy. That's one of the reasons I think this was something different from the usual, the one for me. Any answer that doesn't tell me to get over it, grow up, forget about him (or "learn from it" still don't know what the hell that meant) is a blessing. Thank you, thank you for replying. But I have less of a life now than I did even back before him. I've lost my friends, my freedom, my work, any sense of a future. At least then I thought things could get better, or if they didn't I could work through it, improve myself. I'm too proud to beg. When he told me we were done (after nearly passing out) I backed off from him, was distant and cold and finally said if that was really that he should just **** off. He did, went to get a lift to the station and before he left I ran outside with no shoes, knocked on the window and hugged him. I mumbled please don't do this, and he said nothing before my mother came and pulled me away. I wish she hadn't meddled. We could have had something else, at least he could have given me more finality, or some indication he cared. That was the closest I came. I haven't told him I still love him, I haven't told him I want him back, I contacted him a few times- each more blistering with hate than the last. The last time before I blocked facebook, I told him that as he only cares about himself I can never hurt him as he had me unless his self was what I attacked. So I did. I attacked his weaknesses, his insecurities and indecisions, that if he knew he was damaged and flighty he ought not to inflict himself on anyone else. I let him know I hated him, I regret meeting him more than anything else in my life. The lowest blow was that he always had dreams to change the world, and I told him his dreams were mediocre, and he was a fool to ever think they would lead to more than a life of mediocrity. So, not really any begging, but certainly a surefire way of making sure he never ever wants anything to do with me again. Which I regret now, unless his life crashes around him and I was right- he will just think I'm crazy and bitter and he's well rid. I am crazy and bitter, but I still love him. Even if he did want me back, I don't know if I would or could though. I would never trust him like I did, or open myself up like that. I don't think I ever will again. I would subconsciously want to punish him for the agony (was going to go for pain, but I've done pain before, this isn't it) he's created. Perhaps it's just my ego wanting him to want me, wanting not to be worthless. Oh God, I want either to never have met him- to still be fumbling around and hoping there's something better out there- or to have him back, us back the way we were. But having known better, knowing how happy and loved and in love I could be then having it taken away is too cruel. I don't want time. Time is a destroyer, not a healer. It ruined us, if only we were stuck in our happiest days forever. All time can perhaps do is dull the memories a little, but not enough. He won't know or care if I am strong or dying. We live at different ends of the country, with no contact and no friends in common. My only hope is that if his feelings really can change like that, they will change again. Perhaps he will feel lonely, or nostalgic, or regretful that the future has come and it wasn't what we had planned. But it's just empty hopes. And if the only hope I have doesn't really exist, I have nowhere else to turn.
lovejoy41 Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 (edited) Oh I see. I'm sorry I misunderstood. Like I said I'm not a therapist but it sounds like you have a fear of commitment too. I did the same thing. I told my ex that I didn't want a relationship(neither did he) & I was happy with that for about 2 years! lol After 2 years, I had already begin to develop feelings for him & didn't want to continue on being casual but he made it real hard for me to dump him by manipulating me with his kindness(money,talks with my sons, fixing things around the house, b-day gifts, dates, etc, etc..) & false promises. However, now that I know that it was him that dumped you it still doesn't change what I said about you healing & getting through the breakup. I know it might be hard to hear and to see, but you never know. He might've done you a favor. If you were good to him & he broke up with you out of the blue, he will probably do the same thing to the next woman. I mean I know that we can only go by what's told on your post but everything happens for a reason. These men do hurt us and women hurt men as well, BUT for me there hasn't been not one of my exes that did me wrong & then did the next woman right. They have ALL did me dirty & ALL of them went on to do the same thing to the next woman. Soooo, I consider myself a very lucky woman. Imagine being married for years to a man like that!! Most of the time when they leave you or you dump them & they go on to someone else they don't change. All of the things that you say you've lost, you can get back. If you can't, you can start over or get new ones. I've lost a few friends this year too, not because of the breakup but just because I discovered that they were not really friends to begin with. If they were your friends they would still be around or will make their way back to you, so don't worry about that stuff. What's important right now is nothing or no one but YOU! You need to start putting yourself first. If you have never been happy until you met this man it's time for you to start being happy without him. I'm guilty of only being happy when I was with the guy I walked away from too, but what I've learned is to never base your happiness off of someone else making you happy. You have to keep yourself happy. If you don't, the next relationship or marriage you're in will fall apart because you hold a man responsible for your own happiness. I know it hurts but look at this as a blessing. It's an opportunity for you to start over and to rebuild yourself. Hang in there. It will get better. Please don't give up on yourself. What's done is done & you can't change it. Forget what you said to him, you were angry and hurt. It happened & you can't change it now. Give yourself a chance at a happy life. You don't need a man to keep you happy. If I can do it, so can you. Don't give up. Sounds to me like some of your issues stem far back. I think some type of therapy would help address a lot of those issues. Maybe you should look into therapy as well. I pray that all of what I said plants itself deeply inside of you, that it grows, & you heal. Edited November 27, 2012 by lovejoy41
bpdr Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 Been just over a month, and about 2 or 3 weeks since I just cut him off (which is pointless, he wasn't trying to get in touch anyway- had been goading him into a response and finally got an awful one, finishing "take something positive from this. Learn from it. Goodbye.") First off, from a male perspective here -- please be stronger than that. Guys wanna know their woman is capable, willing and supportive. Your statements here are none of those things combined. I encourage you to become more self strengthened (As I ponder your age here) But, also hope that what you seek may also become endearing to your future. You seem practical -- but not strong. Lose that. That's not to say I don't think being sensitive and emotional isn't warranted here -- but if you are coming off as "Needy or Clingy" in your R -- well then I understand more clearly your dilemma. NO MAN desires or WANTS THAT. Trust me when I say that. The perspectives gained here on LS always sheds light on subject matter the average Joe takes for granted. In other words, if you TRULY love your man, then SHOW HIM. Don't run AT HIM, DON'T COMPETE with him....BUT Make him see you are worth fighting for, if even from an emotional perspective. Men live for "Conquests" -- and that is sad, to a degree. Some of it is healthy -- some of it is not. It's up to you to ensure there is a healthy balance between the two to make a difference in the R. Relationships are complicated, messy affairs of the sordid type. A healthy "Medium" is required to absolutely maintain the preservation of love. A give, and take type of mentality (When needed) is obvious. You girls, complain that we are not "Emotionally in touch" or worse -- "That we have built up a wall" -- that somehow our previous relationships have somehow made you PAY FOR IT IN some weird way YET not realizing that our needs are not superficial or hallow BUT genuine and authentic. For the sake of not trying to make light of sweeping generalizations, I would just say to you -- show your man a TRUE sense of worth. Only then, can he take the value of the relationship with him -- to make sense of all of it. It's not complicated. It just takes work. And THAT is how you can alleviate your pain, anguish and suffering from the BU. Until that happens -- and until he see's that you are authentic-- all else attempts are futile. Trust me on that. It's really quite that simple. Men are NOT complicated creatures. Each and every one of us desire something from our woman. Whether it be strength, or just passion -- we need that from you regardless of situation. A man most feels at home with a woman that "Compliments" is attributes. The old addage "Behind every Successful Man -- are the innerworkings of a very strong Woman" -----> That cannot be MORE TRUE. I say. Good luck to you in observing these attributes in YOUR MAN. He deserves no less -- no more than that. If the time to show him that has passed -- be considerate and polite enough to let him go -- to find that need he wants and desires. That my lady -- is "True Love" Let him go, if you cannot fulfill his purpose. Otherwise - show him what you are made of, and prove your salt. In hopes this finds you in better spirits and hope, words to the wise spoken from a man with a broken heart. I needed that from my woman -- and I never got it. Now she is gone, and I am left picking up the pieces. BP
Author nothingleft Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 Thank you both for responding, a lot to take in. I've been awake for a few days now and am in a bit of a chipper mood this morning, so answers may jump around a wee bit... I was never needy or clingy in the relationship, if anything I was the more distant one for a long time- we evened out and all went well, then (and this is the only thing I can pinpoint as being the downfall) when I went back to Italy and was having a hard time with my work, missing him and friends who'd left and wasn't settled in yet, that was when I rang him- twice I think in the few weeks I was there- just for support. The second I showed weakness he backed off. I know he wanted me to be strong enough to support him, it is fair enough but there must be a give and take! He cannot feel he deserves my unwavering strength if he runs away when I have a bad work week! before that we were riding along very nicely- though I have noticed in myself before (and getting worse each time it seems) that after it has ended I morph into this hideous weedy creature who I do not like or recognise in me at all. Off topic, far far off topic, and not very nice: felt very ill last night and was sick. It was blue. Very blue. Not eaten anything blue. Don't think that's at all normal? I hope he knows me well enough to know that I was just lashing out as a kneejerk reaction to being hurt badly. I very much hope he doesn't know me well enough to realise that I (consciously? I'm not sure) came up with something designed to hurt him slowly, to pique the insecurities I know are there so that his every tiny, meaningless failure will be magnified and prove what I said right in his mind. Or that part of the reason I did so (subconsciously!!!! I'm not that bad. Always wise after the fact on that) was curiosity as to what it would take to cause him pain, and partly damaged pride. I had to take the upper hand by attacking weaknesses in him that I do not have (plenty to choose from in me, but at least I am strong in loyalty) I'm pretty sure this is twisted, but we act on what we know, on how we would react- I was brought up in a family where half of us were prone to vicious, violent tempers and the others to cold, sullen grudges. A bad mix. But those of us who would explode, fight until all was done then go our separate ways a while would happily have forgotten the fight within a few hours. Deep down I respect the passion in speaking your damn mind, getting everything out and hiding no feeling, throw a punch if it evens the score (I have a lot of brothers...), and I'm conditioned to expect this to yield the best results. I can't bear to watch the cold, silent misunderstandings festering away on the other side of the family. So perhaps I thought attack was the best way I had at the time to prove my mettle. Anyway, we've gone so far now that if I got in touch it would definitely be needy and clingy. I have no intention of it, though I'm eaten up inside wishing he would get in touch with me (if he did, he is certainly the bigger person) To Lovejoy: I think you are right in things stemming back a very very long way- so much so that I have no idea where I end and the bad side of me begins. Being prone to depression, violent anger, wild flights of impulse, drinking too much and Lord knows what else- I have good points, plenty of them I know. But before I left Italy I spoke to a friend, I told him I was terrified of getting help because without these problems, I wouldn't know who I was. What if the good points go too? What if the kindness is just need for people to like me, or if wry humour is a bleak outlook, the little vulnerability I allow through just self loathing, impulsiveness is mania (they already said what I thought as a heady imagination/very very successful meditation device of mine was actually psychosis brought on by being prescribed the wrong pills for me...) Everything I know, all I've known is now being Diagnosed! I am no longer a person, me, I am a list of symptoms. My friend wrote me something about not letting the bad angels win, that I should be excited and trust that there was enough good there that was actually me. I know this is too much to spout off at strangers, I apologise. I also know if I admit I am constantly on the edge of sanity, that a change of meds can tip me into hallucinating by day and screaming myself awake at night- it makes perfect sense for him to leave. But I was so much better with him. I even stopped taking the stuff when he was there as I was becoming so naturally happy, finally calming, learning where I trip. The good points were coming out and the bad were farther away- I didn't tell him the extent, I didn't want to put the pressure on him, but he knew something was healing. And it is since he left that I have allowed myself to slip again, there's almost a freedom in it and a familiarity. The wrong medication was always what really really messed me up though, so perhaps as long as I take nothing and try to become strong through my own will... Perhaps it is even better to have lost the last thing outside myself that was holding me up. I have been crashing but I feel that I am beginning to come up again. It doesn't mean I don't want him back. I desperately do. Not as a crutch, I just love him, I can be strong for myself and for him if he can do the same. I need him to know it, but I can never tell him. God, but my posts are getting longer and longer. I'll finish with this: I just had a strange sort of revelation. I've been busily hating him for what he did and loving him at the same time and trying to work out why: It is because he is a good man who did a cruel thing, while I am a bad person trying to do good things as compensation. On the surface it may seem as I saw it, he was hard and cruel just when I was weakest and most fragile. Clear cut wrong and right. But I know now why I can love him and not myself at this time.
cloudatlas Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 Oh, I like you. I think you are fascinating. And too, that in your emotional instabilities sound very much like mine. And the way our respectable boys (men? what defines a man these days, or a women?) made us feel. Again, all the hugs. Either way, maybe your brothers could come play house with you? If you're realizing why you could love him, but not yourself, maybe it's time to make yourself feel the way he did. Also, maybe ask your doctors how to lessen your medication, try substituting it with vitamins and herbal treatments? A little more organic, because if the wrong medicine lands you with hallucinations, those doctors haven't been doing their job all that well.
Buns Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 I recognize myself in 80% of what you are saying... But you have an amazing ability to put into words what you are feeling and thinking in a way that I cannot. So I thank you for that, because even though our feelings are alike but our stories different, I'll be able to use the advice that people are giving you too.. My relationship ended 2 months and 1 week ago... In the past two weeks I have been crying a lot less, but the pain inside is still very raw, if not more intense.. I am now able to go out though, I like going for walks on my own, just admiring things around me..Trying to convince myself that maybe this world isn't as ugly as I think it is...that I should stick around a bit... I suggest you take up a hobby, where you will meet new people. It could be anything, arts & crafts, sports..whatever, but force yourself to go and do things that you didn't do with him so that you know that there is a life outside of him, and other things to do. You will also make new friends... You don't have to go and be a cheery, ahppy person, just go and enjoy being around other people, even if you do feel rubbish and want to run away screaming...
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