ALittleLost2 Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 A little back information: We had been together 10 years..married for 6 years. No children together, but he pretty much helped me raise 3 of my children. Weve had our up and downs, but we always managed to work through any issues and move on. We were each others best friend. In March of this year we went thru a rough patch for a few months, we finally communicated with each other and things changed. Things really changed. For the next 3 months or so things were awesome. He found a job he really liked (he had been laid off for quite some time) and all the issues we had been dealing with before were disappearing. I was probably the happiest person ever and he was happy too. Constantly telling me how much he loved me and how things felt so great to him. We made time for just the 2 of us to reconnect...dinner dates, alone time, etc. Things truly were amazing. Even in hindsight now, things were awesome. In the middle of Sept he came to me and told me he wanted to leave. He said the pressures of having a wife and kids were too much for him. He said the kids were really getting to him and he didnt know how to handle that. I tried to talk to him and work together, but he was adamant he just couldnt do it. I was shocked because there were absolutely NO signs he was unhappy or stressed or anything and believe me, i went over the weeks leading up to this with a fine tooth comb thinking ok, you have obviously missed something here, but i found nothing unusual. He told me he still loved me and that if it were just he and i, he woudlnt be going but he just could not do the "wife and kid and family" thing. Keep in mind he has been doing the "wife and kid and family" thing for ten years at this point! He moved out and I didnt contact him etc. After a week and a half i get an email saying he has made the biggest mistake ever. He sent me flowers and a card again saying how much of a mistake he has made and that he shouldnt have left that he didnt know what he was thinking. He came to the house to sit and talk with me. We talked for about 3 hours and he said he wanted to go to counseling because he refused to throw ten years out the window and that he loved me and the kids. He cried and seemed truly sorry. He promised he would never do anything like that again and even talked with the kids explaining what he did and that he would never ever do that to them again. My kids were very upset when he left as they see him as "daddy" and he knows this. He seemed to be emotionally torn about what he did as he cried quite a bit during our conversation and the conversation with the kids about his actions. He genuinely appeared to regret what he had done and seemed very sincere with us all. Present situation: Six weeks after he came back from leaving for a week and a half, he moved out again. I picked him up from work on my way home from work. We came home and he took his shower. I had come upstairs and was checking my email and noticed he was dressed. I asked him if he was going somewhere and he told me no, he was just cold. I sat down at my desk to check my email and got a tap on my shoulder about 10 seconds later. He said i have something to tell you and i said whats wrong and he said im leaving. You can imagine my shock and surprise considering he just came back from doing this crap six weeks ago! I asked him why he wouldnt tell me. All he said was he "HAD" to leave. I asked if it was the same reasons as before, he said no it wasnt, i asked if he didnt love me, he stated that he DID love me and this had nothing to do with him not loving, i begged like a fool for a reason he gave me absolutely NONE at all. 45 minutes after he had told me he was all packed up and waiting for a taxi to get him in the driveway. The kids were all upset talking to him. He talked to them, but refused to talk to me. He seemed sad he was going, his eyes were teary throughout the process. The taxi came he put this things in and he left. That was 3 weeks ago. Since then, a lot has come to light. I have learned he is living with another woman he first had contact with on a dating site about 5 days before he left. So he moved out of here in with someone he doesnt even know. I know because i went to her house. He answered her door. I went in the house. I asked her how long this had been going on and she stated they had only started talking around the beginning of the month..he left on Nov 2. He told her he left me because i cheated on him. I have NEVER cheated on him..ever and he knows that. He never said one word to me there...not one word other than i had to leave or he was calling the cops. I was really shocked. How could i not see this coming??!! I just turned around and walked out the door and left. I have driven myself insane wondering how in the world i missed this. How did i misread our marriage so badly. He was wanting to buy he and i matching necklace pendants for christmas, telling me he loved me, leaving me little notes here and there about how he loved me, called me asking me about a new wedding band set for christmas. Kissing me and telling me how after ten years he still gets chills all over. He wasnt leaving the house, he wasnt calling anyone at least from his cell phone as i have access to that, we have one car so i picked him up and took him to work so when he was at work i knew he was there. The only type of communication he had with her is thru emails until he left and he left me for someone he only knew for about a week thru emails??!! Im floored. I never saw this coming. There were absolutely NO signs whatsoever. I have gone over this in my head so many times thinking i MUST have missed something somewhere, but i cant come up with anything. I dont want him back. Obviously if he can do this to me and more importantly those kids, he isnt worth it to me. But i cant get past the questions. How can someone erase us from their life that fast? Why couldnt he just tell me he didnt want to do this anymore instead of just saying he "had" to leave and that he "still loved me"???! And the kids..i have no idea what to tell the kids. They keep asking me questions and i just stand there dumbfounded because i dont know what to tell them. Its like we never existed. How do you leave a ten year relationship and just move in with someone you dont even know? My mind is blown and im just having trouble processing it all. I dont know anyone personally that this has happened to. My mind is all over the place and im sorry this was so long. Im being strong and doing what i have to do on the outside, inside is a whole other story. People tell me just move on, let it go but its quite hard to just say ok whatever im moving on. I have SO many questions and no answers at all. I feel like a complete idiot. I know he wasnt cheating on me the whole six weeks he was back and why even come back??! He had somewhere to live he didnt have to come back to us just to do this again. I am filled with so much anger then it goes to sadness, but right back to anger and im not an angry person. I hate feeling this way.
Minnie09 Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 That's unusual. The way be left unexpectedly the first time, then came back full of remorse, just to do it again six weeks later.... He seems conflicted and immature, selfish and self-centered. May I ask how old he is? It sounds like there's always been a third party that you weren't aware of, one OW or even more. Or - if there wasn't anybody in particular - at least the desire to explore greener and newer pastures. He may have been playing around online, chatting and flirting with women without actually meeting them. For some, that's already enough to feel trapped at home, because they think the world is waiting for them. When he moved out the first time, where did he stay? He might have "met" someone and it didn't work out. And the second time was - of that I am sure - because of the ow he's living with now. Most probably, that's the same girl he left you for the first time around, and then he changed his mind - twice.* I'm glad you don't want him back. But after ten long years, you have to make sure your kids are ok. They will miss him. How're they coping? Good luck, and I'm very sorry for your loss. Apparently he wasn't the man you think he was, like so many others out there who lead a double life and screw their families over without thinking twice about the consequences for others. People like that have no compassion, they simply don't care. He must have played this game for a long time without you knowing. He's a good actor. If there aren't even any cell phone records that are suspicious, then you know what you're dealing with: someone who is very deceitful and experienced in lying and cheating. Again, I'm sorry. You are obviously better off without him. And for him, it won't turn out to be the way he thinks it will. He will learn the hard way that the pastures are not greener, and that his future will be bleak. A liar attracts bad fate. He will learn that when it's too late for him, and you'll be happy by then. Hugs.
Author ALittleLost2 Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 Thank you for responding. He is 35 so he is def old enough to know better than to act like an immature little boy. I thought about that when he left the first time that maybe he met her then or staying there then, but he was in fact with a friend. Its very possible he created a profile on this dating site during that time though. He was only gone a week and a half and i figured sometimes we all just need a little bit of space. Had he been gone longer, then i would have worried more i think. Maybe i didnt worry enough when he left the first time. The female he is now living with though he did just meet her about a week before he moved out of here. She confirmed that when i asked for someone to just please tell me what was going on that at the VERY least i deserved an explanation. He never said a word but she stated that she had just starting talking to him at the beginning of the this month. And they did that thru emails. And i looked are her and him and i said are you kidding me?? You dont even know him nor do you know her! And they just both stared at me. She was in a state of shock i could tell and its very evident he has obviously lied to her about his situation with me. She did tell me he told her i cheated on him, so who knows what other lies he has told her about me. She avoided it and just walked away and said she couldnt deal with this right now and left he and i standing there. Its even more pathetic because this woman has 2 small children. What woman just moves in a man she doesnt even know anything about at all. Emails back n forth for only a week can only say so much. She seemed to be decent enough. Nice home, nice cars, she def does not seem to be hurting for money. So im not too sure what would prompt her to move him in. The kids are ok..obviously very hurt. The fact he threw them away so easily just blows me away. I cant even begin to put into words how that makes me feel. You dont want me, ok fine whatever, but to do this to them? They are innocent in all of this. And right at the holidays? This all just doesnt seem to fit in line with the whole cheating spouse stuff. Normally there are signs or something, there was nothing and i just cant turn my stupid brain off from thinking about it all and going over every last detail of the last couple months here. Another thing ive noticed, he is spending money like a madman. He is spending it on purchases, not withdrawing money. New cell phone, new clothes, new this new that and part of me wonders is that what this was about? He obviously didnt spend like that while here, there are bills to be paid and responsibilities and now he has none. She is allowing him to live there rent free and everything else. Who does that?! This all just shocks me to the core. I am just floored. Maybe you are right, maybe he is conflicted, definitely immature and selfish right now. Im so very hurt, but im doing a very good job of hiding that from everyone and trying to be the strong woman.
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